“I like what you’ve done here,” Admiral Watanabe told Rosa when they re-entered the Tower cell from which the Queen had been abducted.  He saw the work that the Countess and the Ladies Knitting Circle had done: the neatly made bed, the scrubbed walls, and the tastefully set table.  “You left it in much better shape than you found it.”

“But I didn’t…” Rosa started to say.

“It was a mess when Randolph and his crew were here.  I’m not convinced either the elephant, or William, were house broken.”

“William was here.”  Rosa touched her lips.

“And his brother, Chris.  I’ve yet to find a way to tell them apart.”

“Obviously you haven’t kissed them.”  Still, she tenderly ran her fingers over the initials carved under a doily.

“I’ve got constables out looking for the missing frog.  Some…things…were taken from the Tower and he’s our prime suspect.”

“Why don’t you suspect me?” asked Rosa.

“Well…” the Admiral hemmed and hawed.  “You can’t steal something that might be yours anyway.”

“What about Jimmy, the queen’s cousin?”

“Er…We’ll just leave Jimmy out of this for awhile.  I’m sure we’ll find the frog soon.”

“I wouldn’t count on it.”

“Can somebody help me with this cork?” asked Walter, who was busy at the other end of the table.

A movement attracted everyone’s attention.  “Who have we here?” asked Sir Francis.

Over by the window, three witches were trying to make a stubborn reindeer stand up.  One had hold of his antlers, while the other two were pushing on his rump.

“Let me introduce them, Sir Francis,” answered Rosa, pointing to each witch in turn.  “This is Helga, Aberdeen, and Helga-Aberdeen.”

“That’s quite a stutter you have,” said the Admiral.  “How come I never notice it before?”

The penguins, as was their want, raced over and threw the animal out the window.  Everyone crowded around to watch it somersault twice, then fly out of sight.

“That was our ride home,” complained Aberdeen.

“So you speak English,” said Admiral Watanabe.

“And Pig Latin,” admitted the witch.

“Never heard of it,” replied the Admiral.

Sir Francis Drake joined the conversation.

“He’s asking what the witches did with your mother,” Walter told Rosa.

“There was no queen here,” insisted the witches.  “Just a man named Huberto,” Aberdeen added.  “And he seemed straight.”

Even though she didn’t understand what was being said and she wasn’t aware that they were talking about her father, still the mention of his name caused Rosa’s heart to skip.  She missed him so much, she thought she could smell his aftershave.

“I’m not sure what to do,” admitted Sir Francis, reverting to Spanish.  “We can’t let people know we’ve lost the Queen.  In time of peace, that would be frowned upon.  During a war, I suspect it’s totally unacceptable.”

“I’ve an idea!” said Admiral Watanabe.  “Let Rosa impersonate her mother.”

“But I can’t impersonate the Queen,” said Rosa.  “She’s taller than me, she has red hair, and she’s fifty-five years old.”

“You’ve been looking a little peaked lately,” Walter offered helpfully.

“The Queen has wigs you could wear,” Watanabe suggested.

Before she could respond, there was a ruckus and the sound of voices on the stairs.

“No luck finding the frog,” said a constable, as he entered the room.  “He seems to have vanished.  But this person may have something to do with the theft.  He’s William Morris, a known miscreant.”  His two assistants thrust Chris into the cell.

“We have several attractive…er…ladies who claim he was trying to win their affection with promises of jewelry and foreign trips.  We’ll be checking out their stories later.”  The constable turned to his companions.  “Here’s an address for you and here’s an address for you.  I’ll follow up on this one myself…It’s a shame that a naval hero like Christopher Morris has a brother like this.”

 “Is Chris considered a hero, then?” asked Sir Francis.

“We were giving him the benefit of the doubt,” the constable replied.

“Hey!” said Chris

“Let’s wait see what happens with those dinghies first,” added the Admiral.  “He better not lose one.”

Chris insisted, “But I’m Christopher.  And I’m innocent.”

“That’s what he keeps saying,” the constable replied.  “All I know is someone stole the Crown Jewels.”

Walter whispered something to the penguins and they all pushed the diamonds to the bottom of their packs.

“Hey!” cried one of them, as he spied an object under the bed.  “I found my ice pick.”

“William?” asked Rosa suspiciously, eyeing the Morris standing before her.

“That settles it.”  The Admiral was satisfied.  “She says he’s William – and she’s kissed both of them.  …Er…Does your father know about that, young lady?”

“Do you know my father?”

“Er… Ia ‘anca ‘alkta ‘igPa ‘atinLa.”

“Rosa,” said Chris.  “You’ve got to help me.  Tell them I’m Chris.”

“You’ve lied to me before,” responded Rosa.

“Not me.  That was William.”

“Both of you,” insisted Rosa.

“Then kiss me.  That’ll prove it.”

“Well,” said Rosa, after the kiss.  “It was better than the frog.”

“WHAT?”

“I mean…Chris could have gotten better…or William could be feeling poorly…or I could just be tired.”

“I can do worse; try it again.”

“You’re right.  This is Chris,” said Rosa, wiping her lips.

“Oh no!” said Admiral Watanabe.

“What are you complaining about?  I’m the one that kissed him.”

“You don’t understand.  We suspect William is a Spanish spy.  What if he’s in one of the dinghies pretending to be Chris?  He’s in a position to sabotage all our plans.”

“I know that Williams is dangerous…and intriguing…but why do you suspect him of being a spy/”

“Hey!  I can be dangerous and intriguing,” Chris interjected.

Rosa snorted.

“He worked for those Devil Chickens.”

“Yes.  He was running their casino in Budapest.  What happened?”

 “He was fired for being honest, but I think it’s a ruse and that he was sent back to England to spy for the Armada.

Rosa replied hesitantly, “Being honest doesn’t sound like him.”

“I’ll to have to tell Huber…er…the Mysterious Stranger about this.  He promised to take care of William for us - in exchange for information about his daughter…er…someone else we have under surveillance.”

“Oh!” Rosa gasped.  “What do you mean by ‘take care of’?.  He’s not going to hurt him, is he?”

“Well,” replied the Admiral.  “I don’t think he’s going give him a medal and set him free.”

“Oh!  It’s something horrible; I know it!  Who is this awful Stranger?”

“Er...I’m not at liberty to say.”

“But if William was already locked up you wouldn’t have this Mysterious Stranger hunt for him and hurt him, would you?”

“No,” the Admiral agreed.  “Then we could torture…er…interrogate him, ourselves.  Then, of course, we would give him a fair trail.  Have you ever been to a hanging?”

As despicable as William was, Rosa still couldn’t let him be hurt.  She had an idea.  “Wait a minute!” she said.  She grabbed Chris by the lapels of his shirt and kissed him again.

It was a good thing she was holding his shirt; he nearly fell as he went weak in the knees.  “I…I…love you,” he stuttered.

“Remember that.  I’ll try to be back before they hang you,” whispered Rosa.  Then to the others she claimed, “I was mistaken.  That’s Chris in the dinghy.  This is William.”

“Wait a minute…” started Chris.

“William, be quiet,” Rosa insisted.  And she kissed him to shut him up.  This time she wasn’t holding on and he slipped to the floor.

“Search him for diamonds,” Admiral Watanabe told the constables as they chained him to the wall.

*     *     *

Huberto was accompanying the Countess and her friends on a shopping spree.  He kept telling himself that he was keeping them under surveillance in case they knew anything about Rosa or the spy he was supposed to be tracking.  But he had to admit he was having a good time.

They were carrying mugs of ale and eating pomegranates when they came upon a theatre sign that read in bold scroll,

Held over by popular demand

 The Globe Theatre presents

William Shakespeare

For the 2nd showing

Standing room only

The bottom line was a bit of theatrical license.  There weren’t any seats in the Globe Theatre.

 “Sounds like a success,” Huberto said.  “Can I interest you ladies in a matinee?”

They were led up to the balcony where they dropped the rugs in a corner, placing their shopping bags on top of them to hold them down.  Then they rushed to look over the rail.  “We can only do this for a little while,” said the Countess, patting her hair.  “Then we must get back to invading England.”

“Why is a beautiful lady like yourself wearing black?“ asked Huberto.

“I love your aftershave,” the Countess replied instead of answering.

“To be or not to be.  That is the question,” said Shakespeare.

“This is the answer,” said Geowulf, from the pits.  And he hit him with an orange.

“Isn’t that your daughter-in-law?” asked one of the ladies in the knitting circle.  “She throws well.”

“Ronnie’s not so bad either,” admitted the Countess.

“I think I could hit him from here,” said the lady with the bottle warmer.

“Take that, Billy!” came from the pits

“Blasted goblins,” muttered Shakespeare.

*     *     *

Having declined an invitation to return to the Bloody Tower with Rosa and the others, Ekaraj was wandering along the London streets, being left alone - no one would admit they could see him – when a brawl erupted inside a nearby theatre and a bard was tossed into his path.

Shakespeare looked up from where he lay on the cobblestones and saw the pachyderm.  He shut his eyes and started repeating, “I don’t believe in elephants.”

“Well!” answered Ekaraj.  “I don’t believe in bards.”

“That’s telling him,” said Gary, as he emerged from the building.  All the patrons of the play were exiting behind him.

“I didn’t realize there was so much action in this play,” one man was saying to his wife as they left.  “I’m going to have to re-read the book.”

Shakespeare opened his eyes and immediately closed them again.  This time he kept repeating, “I don’t believe in giant parrots.”

“I got replies to all the messages, Senior Huberto,” said Naught, as he approached in his parrot suit.  A dozen butterflies rested on his shoulder.  “And surprisingly everyone is willing to save England for Rosa.”

 “I’m not surprised,” responded Gretel.  “Everybody loves Rosa.”

“Is this the same Rosa we all know?” asked Geowulf.  “’Because if it is, Billy here could use you to make up stories for him.”

Shakespeare’s ears picked up.  “Stories?  Tell me about Rosa.  Is she a dream?”

Gary snorted.  “More like a Midsummer’s Nightmare.”

“No!  Her story is romantic,” said Gretel.  “There’s even a balcony scene.”

“I have a name for it already,” said Shakespeare.  “How does this sound, ‘Romeo and Rosa’.”

The others looked each other.  “We like the Rosa part.  But isn’t Romeo an odd name,” said Geowulf.”

“I’ll work on it,” said Shakespeare.  “But Rosa definitely stays.”

“I’ve always like her,” insisted Naught, “Now I’m beginning to think that most people are fond of her.”

“Yeah.  I guess I like her well enough,” Geowulf admitted, while shuffling his feet.

“I’d love to see her in long johns,” another goblin admitted.

“Hey!  That’s my daughter.”

“Sorry, Your Majesty.  I didn’t realize you were the King of England.”

“I’m not,” said Huberto, through clenched teeth.

 “Ouch!” said Gretel suddenly, as the Countess hit her on the foot with a poker.

“Did I do that right?” asked the Countess.  “Now that Rosa’s the Princess of England, we need to protect her from foreigners.  You did say you were from Germany, didn’t you?”

*     *     *

“So it’s decided,” said Sir Francis.  “The witches will impersonate the Queen, while Rosa goes and rescues her.”

“Wait a minute:” Chris interrupted from the wall where he hung.  “Why is that Rosa’s job?”

“Because the Queen’s her mother,” the naval hero replied.

“Can’t you do it?” asked Chris.

“I’d like to, but I have a bowling tournament…er…I have an important meeting in Portsmouth.”

“Shame on you, William,” added the Admiral.  “Not only are you a traitor, you don’t even respect motherhood.  What kind of despicable person are you?”

 “I’m not William,” Chris said, through clenched teeth.

“If the Devil Chickens have her, I suspect they have taken her to the pirate ship, the Swan,” Rosa cut him off.  “How do I get there?” asked Rosa

“If there’s another dinghy, I’ll row you,” offered Chris, rattling his chains.

“Nice try, William, but you’re due for a long stay in this tower,” said Admiral Watanabe.

 “Look,” interrupted Walter, who was roosting on the windowsill.  “The reindeer didn’t get away.  It’s got its antlers stuck in a tree.”

“There’s your ride,” said Drake, as they all trooped out of the tower to the tree.  First, we untangle that reindeer.  Can you drop me off in Plymouth?”

“Do you think,” asked Rosa, “that I could stop off at the dinghies and borrow Chris to help me rescue my mother?

Chris kept his mouth shut.  He didn’t want to attract attention to the fact that he had left the tower with them.  The constables had hurried off to keep their dates…or interviews…with the ladies William had attempted to defraud, and in their haste, they had forgotten to lock his chains.

“I’ve never seen Chris win a fight,” interjected the penguin sergeant, “or even show up on time to a battle.  Maybe he’s not your best candidate.”

“Who would you suggest?”  But it wasn’t Chris Rosa was going after.  She was going to warn William to flee, before she rescued her mother.

“Just about anyone else,” suggested the littlest penguin.  The rest of the penguins agreed.

Christopher bit his tongue and hid behind a tree.

*     *     *

Gretel was astonished, as she sped out of London on a stolen rug, she rubbed her knuckles, which were sore and bleeding from decking the Countess.  She’d miss Randolph, but Ronnie promised to write and keep her informed.  She hoped Gretel would return and give her boxing lessons someday.  Blimey!  Her tears were making her see things.  She could swear she saw Rosa and Sir Francis Drake fly by on a reindeer – with Chris hanging from its tail.

*     *     *

The witches, who had become Elizabethan impersonators, were each wearing a red wig and making their way through the streets of London.  They were together because Admiral Watanabe believed three queens would be better than one in dispelling rumors that the Queen was missing.  He was at the back of the parade while Walter was in front crying.  “Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Make way for the Queens of England,” as they marched through the city.

“Say, Bud.  Where’s the elephant?” asked one of the drunken spectators.

“Three French hens.  Two turtle-doves.  And a partridge in a pear tree.”

“Three French hens.  Two turtle-doves.  And a partridge in a pear tree.”

The penguins were marching in two lines on each side of Her Majesties, as they waved to the cheering crowd.

“Blimey!  Is it Christmas?” exclaimed a woman who recognized the tune and rushed off to buy presents.

“Those ain’t no Queens,” said a voice in the crowd.  “The Empress has no clothes on.”

“WHAT?” squawked Walter, turning around and vied the three in their black dresses and shawls.  “Yes they do!  Although, they’d look better in browns.”

“No.  I mean they ain’t got no bloody crowns.”

“Oh,” said Walter, and he whispered to the penguins.  Several of them rummaged through their packs until crowns were produced.

“Now we believe it,” said the crowd.  “H’all ’ail the Queens Elizabeth,” they shouted.  “Long live ‘er Majesties.  ‘Ip ‘ip ‘urray.”

“Sound off!” ordered the lead penguin.  “One!”

“Two!  Three!  Four!   …No, I’m Four!  …I am!   …Only because you cut.   Four!  Four!  Six!  Seven!  Eight!  Nine!  Ten!”

“What kind of guards are those?” a little boy asked the rooster.  “They don’t look like Beefeaters?”

“No.  They’re more kipper eaters,” Walter told him.

*     *     *

I’m sure she meant that as a show of affection,” Huberto said to the Countess, as she put a hand up to her bleeding lip.

She wiggled a tooth and replied, “Good.  My boy needed a wife with gumption.”

“I like her too,” said Ronnie.  “Say is that a parade coming this way?”

*     *     *

“Shamus O’Flannigan, are you following me?” asked Colleen.

“No,” said Shamus.  “I came with the chicken.  That’s why she’s breathing so hard.  I’m the Spanish spy everyone is looking for.  Nobody suspects,” he added proudly.  “I’ve been blaming it on some poor schmuck named William.”

“But you don’t speak Spanish.”

“That’s made it hard,” Shamus admitted.

“I can translate,” gasped the chicken in Gaelic.  “I speak both languages.  You see, my father was an Irish gamecock.”

“Did you know that chickens can count well into the thousand by using their feathers?” Shamus asked, while scratching an ear.  He knocked his hat and it feel down over one eye.

“Oh!” gasped Colleen.  “You didn’t count my father’s gold.  You used a chicken.  You cheated and you lied!”

 “I didn’t lie.  All I said was I didn’t take my shoes off.”

“Do I still have to do my quest, then?” Hombre asked when Colleen informed him of the duplicity.

 “FE!  FI!  FO!” said the giants.  “Er…Is anyone here English?”

Even a dwarf as muscular as Hombre was no match for three giants, a leprechaun, and a chicken.  He and Colleen were soon trussed and locked in with the fool’s gold, along with the sword, the harp, and the rug.

“We’re going to die penniless,” said Colleen.

“Are you sure lead doesn’t count?”

“I think I’m in love,” said the sword, and he said something to the harp in Gaelic.

SLAP!

“Ouch!” said the sword.  “She’s sure high strung.”

*     *     *

“What did you want with my daughter?” Queen Elizabeth demanded of the pirate.  She finally impressed upon those holding her captive that she was the queen by swearing royally.  One of the chickens even asked if she would write some of it down.

“I’m wanted to marry her.”

“Humph!” replied the Queen.  “Your king wanted to marry me too.  Are all Spaniards so bad at courtship?”

“Hey!  That’s my boy you’re talking about,” exclaimed the Snow Hag.  “Of course,” she admitted, “he wasn’t much better when he was younger.  He ended up having to take his cousin, Denise, to dances.”

“Mom!”

“I didn’t think he had much experience

“I plan on treating Rosa as well you did,” replied Swan.

“I locked her up in the Tower on bread and water.”

“Yes,” the pirate’s gold tooth gleamed as he smiled.  “And after we conquer England, she will be again.  That should be easy.  With you captive, England has no monarch.”

“Does that include the butterflies?” asked the Snow Hag.  “Because I think I saw one recently.”

“You’ll never conquer England.  Not when we have English roses like Rosa.  She’s a credit to all that’s considered Anglo-Saxon…”

One of the Chickens of HEN interrupted, her breast swelling with pride.  “You’re wrong.  Rosa is a Spanish rose and a tribute to all that is Iberian.”  The other chickens started clucking in appreciation.

“I always wondered if she might have some Laplander in her,” Don Swan’s mother added.  “She’s quite a girl.  Swings a mean pan,” she added.

“Yes, yes,” Swan interjected.  “She’s an exceptional girl and I understand that she now has duel citizenship.  But I’m only interested in her dowry.”

All the female creatures on the ship laughed at this.

“As long as Rosa’s my legitimate daughter,” the Queen said, “her dowry is England and she’ll not lose it to the likes of you.  With me a prisoner, she will keep England safe and she’ll perform her duties with grace and dignity.”

“What happened to your cousin Jimmy?”

“Let’s leave Jimmy out of this for now.”

Just then, a hen with light brown feathers, a mop hat, curly eyelashes, a lacey apron, and a red garter on one of her drum sticks flew in the porthole.  “Ooh!” said the other chickens.

That helped a little, but Henrietta was incensed – and worried.  No Rooster had left her before - especially not while she was wearing her French hen outfit.  She checked herself in the cabin’s mirror looking for age lines, but feathers kept getting in the way.  “That Rosa is a hussy!” she declared.

“Was there trouble?” asked Swan.

“Walter and the penguins…I had them mesmerized…”

“We could see why,” the other chickens clucked in appreciation.

“Then an elephant came along…”

“Wait a minute,” said Don Swan.  “Have you been drinking?”

“It was Ekaraj!”

“Oh.  Alright.”

“Then that foreign admiral showed up with Sir Francis Drake…I don’t like the looks of him.”

“Ugliest duck I’ve ever seen,” interjected a hen.

“Not Sir Francis…Admiral Watanabe.  I’m uncomfortable with his foreign looks.”

“He should wear more browns,” a hen added.

“They stopped Rosa, and when those birds thought she was in danger, they left me.  I’ve never seen such loyalty.  For some reason she inspires it.  I don’t understand why.”

:”HA!” said the Queen.

“Ha what?” asked Swan.

“I told you she’d do fine.”  The Queen waxed poetic.  “What a piece of work is Rosa!  How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties!  In form and moving, how express and admirable!  In action how like an angel!  In apprehension, how like a god!  The beauty of the world!  The paragon of animals!”

“I’ll give her a chance to see what she’s like in action,” replied Swan.  “The Devil Chickens are going to stage a pre-invasion England.”

“What’s that?” asked the Queen.

“This’ll be an aerial assault, behind the lines to soften the resistance.”

“HA!  Rosa and her friends will stop you there and every other place you plan to attack England.  As long as Rosa is around England is safe.”

A Monarch butterfly hiding behind a map on the wall had heard what it needed.  It crawled unnoticed through a crack, and flew to London.

*     *     *

“Wait!  Wait!  Go slower,” Shakespeare, asked the butterfly, as it reported the conversation aboard the Swan to Huberto and Admiral Watanabe.  The queens were busy signing autographs, while Helga-Aberdeen kept eyeing one plumb little redheaded girl.

“This is what I have so far,” repeated the bard.  “’What a piece of work is Rosa!  How noble in reason! how infinite in faculties! in form and moving.’  I’ll change that to man of course.  But this is good stuff.”

“And I can use the witches.  How does this sound for a start. ‘Double, double toil and trouble’?”

“But there’s three of them,” said Gary.

“I’ll work on it.  It’s hard to rhyme ‘triple’.  I’m going write a play about Rosa battling for the crown of England.  Should I give her a hunchback?”

“I got a proposition for you, Billy,” said Geowulf.  “If I get to play the part of Rosa in your Romeo play, we won’t throw fruit at you, no more.”

Shakespeare thought it over.  “I’ll have to change it to a goblin name.  You don’t look like a Rosa.  Does Juliet begin with a ‘G’?”

“I wish Rosa were here, but she’s rescuing her mother,” said Admiral Watanabe, after the butterfly explained the pre-invasion.  “I’m not sure what to do.  We don’t have anything to repel an aerial assault.  Englishmen aren’t chickens.”

“Yoo hoo!  Excuse me, Admiral.  Yoo hoo!”  He turned to find the Countess tugging at his kimono.  “Perhaps, we can help.”  She pointed at the ladies of the knitting circle, who were floating two feet of the ground on their carpets.  “We can repel an aerial assault.  We’ll help Rosa.  And after all, we’re loyal Englishwomen.”

Llywarch started choking.

“You do that a lot,” the Admiral told him,

“And we’ll guard the shore,” insisted the goblins and the penguins.

“But you’re not English.”

“Excuse me!  But you did say this was for Rosa, didn’t you?” asked Gary, not bothering to explain the goblins’ dual citizenship..

“I’d like to help too,” said Llywarch, when he stopped turning blue.

“Oh, I have a special request for you.  Sir Francis would like a chance to avenge his bowling team’s one loss to yours…by forfeit.”

“It was kind of him not to show up,” admitted Llywarch,”

“Well.  Now he wishes for a rematch.

WHOOSE!

There was a flash of lightning, a cloud of smoke, and the roar of thunder…and Llywarch appeared in Portsmouth.

It’s your bowl,” said Sir Francis.