“How am I supposed to fight with this…vessel?” Captain Earl complained, as he watched the dinghy bobbed up and down in the river.

“You should have thought of that before you lost the last one.”  The Commodore bit into Gretel’s ring to see if it was real.  “According to this note, you promised to count the appendages of your crew to get the number of boats in the Lisbon harbor.”

“What crew?” asked Randolph.

The Commodore pointed out who was available.

“Chris,” sighed Randolph.  “It looks like you’re going to have to take your boots off.”

*     *     *

On the day before, behind the castle, the albatross was taking its feathers off

“The blasted thread snapped on me,” said the bird, as it pulled away tar to reveal a brown hen underneath.  “I gave it a good tug and it broke loose.  I should have let it unravel on its own.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.  I want Rosa alive…I show her that thirty isn’t too old…I’ve idea,” the peddler continued, as he grabbed a handful of moss.  “Give me some of that tar.”  He smiled to reveal the gold tooth of Don Swan.

*     *     *

While Swan was disguising himself, the travelers went in to meet Randolph’s mother, Hombre asked Colleen, “What’s a bogey?”

“It’s like a wood sprite, only larger and meaner.”

“Then I hope we don’t run into one.  My feet are still damp.”

 “Wipe you feet!” the housekeeper commanded them, as they entered the large hall.

“Oh dear,” said Gretel.  “Your name wouldn’t be Aberdeen, would it?”

“Have we met?”

“Er…I know your niece…and your sister.”

“Are you Gretel?” the housekeeper accused.

The size of the hall showed that the castle was as large as any other castle.  It looked much like the one in Lapland.  That Randolph was wealthy was apparent.  His service to the navy was one of duty and not of need.

“Randolph!”  Another bundle of energy came into the hall and threw herself in Randolph’s arms.  The dowager countess was an older version of Ronnie.

Randolph’s mother stepped back, still holding his arms, and said, “Let me take a look at you.  You look thin.  Hasn’t anybody been taking care of you?”

“Yes!  I have!” insisted Gretel.

The dowager glared at her before turning back to Randolph and saying, “No matter.  You’re home now.  I’ll have you fattened up in no time.”

“Mother, I’m married.  I have a wife.”

“Oh?  I’m so happy for you.  She’s beautiful.  And it looks like she can cook.”  His mother started hugging Rosa.

“Looks can be deceiving,” Chris muttered.

“Not her.  Her!”

“Oh,” his mother repeated.

“I…I’m happy to meet you.”  Gretel curtsied and offered her hand.

His mother ignored it.

“Mother!  How come you’re dressed in black?  Did somebody die?”

“I’m in mourning for Scotland.  That reminds me.  Now that you’re home, I want you to invade England.”

“What?  Why would we do that?”

“Not us, silly - you.  I wish England to be punished.”

The rest of the travelers were puzzled.  “Er…You haven’t earned any wishes, have you?” asked Llywarch.

“What has England done to bother you, now?”

“They stole our stone.”

“She sounds like a penguin,” Chris whispered to Rosa.

“Do you want me to hide the Blarney?” Hombre asked Colleen.

“Mother, the Stone of Scone has been in England for almost four hundred years.”

Colleen whispered into Hombre’s ear, “The Stone of Scone, or the Coronation Stone, is the stone over which Scotland crowns its king.  It’s related to the Blarney Stone and is as important to Scotland as the Blarney is to Ireland.”

“Well, it’s about time they gave it back!  And last year they beheaded that nice lady - Mary, Queen of Scots.”

“I didn’t know that.  We’ve been at sea.  But if I remember right, didn’t Mary poison her husband and plot to assassinate Queen Elizabeth?”

“Well!  If you’re going to be picky about it, I’ll ask Bruce to invade England, instead.”

“No!” said Ronnie.  “He can’t go.”

“Didn’t Queen Elizabeth promise that Mary’s son would be heir if she never married and had a child?”

“That’s another reason I don’t trust her.  What’s Jimmy’s chance of inheriting?  Every woman wants to marry and have a child.”

“Bruce.  If you invade England and get killed, I’ll never speak to you again!”

“Ronnie, I didn’t think you cared.  Ouch!  Did Gretel teach you that?”

Ignoring him, Randolph’s sister put her arm through Chris’s and asked, while batting her eyes, “You wouldn’t invade England, would you?”

“No,” Chris responded. “I’m pretty sure I would not.  Ouch!  Rosa, that’s not any better than pinching!”

*     *     *

In the present, the dinghy was crowded as they rowed it about the Thames.  And steering was difficult.  It would have been easier if it came with two oars.

“Avast!  You bloody menaces to navigation!  Get that toy out of the way.”

Some of the river traffic was annoyed with them.

“Do you think he’s talking about my crutch?’ asked Ekaraj, from his seat in the rear.  His nose had been re-injured during his visit to the Loch Ness Monster.  Something he was unwilling to talk about.  But the crutch had replaced Gretel’s sling.

Randolph wasn’t paying attention.  He was worrying about the count he had to turn in to Admiral Watanabe.  He only got to twenty-one.  Chris didn’t really have any extra toes.  But Randolph gave him credit for an ingrown nail.  Slumped at the bow of the dinghy – the opposite end from Ekaraj - Randolph was sitting about four feet above the surface of the river.

Bruce took charge.  “Give me that crutch,” he said.  He reached past the ladies and borrowed it.

“Ow!” said Ekaraj.

With the crutch to use as an oar, Bruce moved up to sit by Chris, who was rowing, making sure to elbow him as he did.

“Ow!” said Chris.  And he shoved back.

Ronnie secretly smiled.

Alternatively they shoved back and forth between strokes.

The dinghy skidded all over the river.  Ships of all sizes and nationalities scrambled to get out of the way.  One of them hit a bridge.  “Mother used to sing a song about that,” Ronnie said, as part of the bridge fell down.

Enormous warships were running aground or colliding with each other.  The damage was horrendous

Suddenly a merchant vessel flying a Dutch flag crossed in front of them.  Being built for capacity and not for speed, it struggled to get out of the way.

CRACK!

It wasn’t successful.  Worse still, it turned out that the elephant’s crutch made an excellent battering ram.  The vessel began to sink.

“Does anyone have a wish available,” Randolph came out of his funk to ask.

It didn’t matter.

WHOOSE!

There was a flash of lightning, a cloud of smoke, and the roar of thunder…and Llywarch disappeared.

It didn’t matter that they rescued the sailors from the sinking ship.  It didn’t matter that they turned out to be Randolph’s missing crew returning to England. And it almost didn’t matter that William was among them – except that the authorities didn’t know whether to throw Chris or him into the Bloody Tower.

That problem was easily solved.

WHOOSE!

There was a flash of lightning, a cloud of smoke, and the roar of thunder…and Llywarch reappeared.

He looked around the cramped cell that usually housed royal prisoners, craning his neck to see past Ekaraj.  “Hello, William.  Your sister sends you and Christopher her love.  I suspect that we won’t be able to accept her invitation to dinner.”

*     *     *

 The Tower wasn’t the only place to give royalty shabby treatment.  It had been just as bad the day before at Randolph’s castle.

“But mother, Gretel’s a princess.”

“Aberdeen tells me she vandalizes houses.”

“Please,” said Gretel.  “I was very young and very hungry.”

“I think I’m going to like you,” said Ronnie.

“Is that an elephant swimming in the loch?” her mother asked.

Dinner was an uneasy affair as they sat around the long table in the castle’s formal dinning room.  The Countess refused to give up her seat at the end of the table, so Gretel sat next to her.  “Let’s not stand on formality – while you’re still married,” the mother insisted, “I’ll call you ‘Home Wrecker’ and you may call me ‘your Ladyship’.”

“I’m sure she means that as a term of affection,” Randolph said, from his end of the table

Unfortunately for Chris, Rosa was sitting across from him when he had his first bite of haggis.  “Rosa,” he grimaced.  “Did you cook this?  Ouch!”

“I made that special for you,” Ronnie informed him, in her breathless voice.

“Oh…er…I really like it.  Ouch!”  This time Bruce speared him with a fork, when he made the mistake of laying a hand on the table.

“I’m sorry,” said Bruce, as he pulled the prongs free and wiped them clean on his kilt.  “I thought that was a piece of vermin.”

“I have to go to London tomorrow and turn in my report to the Admiralty,” said Randolph, patting the paper in his pocket.

“You’re taking me with you,” Gretel informed him.

“What’s on the paper?” Bruce asked.

“It’s top secret.  But vital for the security of England.  I’ve been guarding it ever since Lisbon, so nothing would happen to it.”

“Here let me hold it for you,” said his mother, as she reached for a lighted candle.

*     *     *

“You’re in luck,” Admiral Watanabe told Randolph, as he unlocked the door to the Tower to let them out.  “Not only do we need this room for another occupant, but we were able to get the total of ships in the Armada by recounting your crew.”

A tall stranger who was with him added, “They claim it wasn’t your fault that you lost your sloop.  They insist someone else was to blame.  Have either of you heard of a person named Rosa?”

Captain Earl and First Mate Morris leaped to attention and saluted the tall stranger.  They both recognized Sir Francis Drake.  “N…No!” they lied.

“Do you think you could destroy Spanish vessels as completely as you destroy English ones?” he asked them.

“Wait a minute before you say anything more,” interrupted Admiral Watanabe.  “I think that elephant’s a foreigner.”

“Yes,” admitted Ekaraj.  “I’m an Indian elephant.”

“Well, that’s all right then.  The Indian’s are our allies.  Can you shoot a bow and arrow?”

Sir Francis Drake whispered in his ear.

“What?” said the admiral.  “And they’re both called the same thing?”

*     *     *

 “Do you think I could borrow your elephant?” the dowager countess had asked the previous day at the dinner table.  “If you’re not going to help, I’ll invade England myself.  I wonder what the Ladies Knitting Circle is doing tomorrow.  Now I need to find a weapon and learn how to use it.”

“I’m pretty good with frying pans,” Rosa offered.

“What should a person wear to an invasion?” Ronnie asked.

 “You can’t go,” Chris and Bruce both said at the same time.  “I forbid it!”

“Count us in,” Rosa and Ronnie decided.

“Er…I’m afraid I’m going to need the elephant to get to London…” Randolph started to say.

Aberdeen interrupted.  “There’s a peddler at the front door – along with his pet frog.”

They all laid down their utensils and trooped out into the hall.

“It’s Don Swan,” Rosa gasped, when everyone crowded around the door to see what the peddler was selling.  “And that frog looks like a chicken covered in moss!”

“That’s a common mistake,” the peddler smiled back at them.

“Er…Rosa…Doesn’t Swan have a gold tooth?” Chris asked.  “This one appears to be green…and somewhat mossy.”

“Does anyone beside me smell tar,” Llywarch asked.

“The frog has a beak,” Rosa declared.

“Yes,” agreed the peddler.  “This as a rare Australian…moss-back and beaked frog.  It’s related to the duck-billed platypus.”

“That sounds like a cat,” Colleen whispered to Hombre.

“I’m not sure.  I’m better with pigs,” was the reply.

“Its name is Rib-Bit.”

Llywarch choked.  “Rib-Bit is the name of your frog?”

“It’s two names, actually.  You see Rib-Bit has two maiden aunts…”

“That frog doesn’t have any warts.” Rosa insisted.

“Exactly!” the peddler exclaimed and he pulled out of his pocket a jar on which was hand labeled “D. Swan’s Patented Wart Remover.”  “The ’D’ stands for Dennis,” he told them as he unscrewed the lid.

“That explains the smell,” said Llywarch.

“I made this just for you ladies.

Slam!

“I’ve never had a wart in my life!” exclaimed the Countess on the other side of the door.

“The nerve of that peddler!” said Ronnie.  “Aberdeen, do we have any boiling water we could pour out on the front porch?”

*     *     *

As the former prisoners returned to the end of the Navy Pier, Randolph boasted, “Say what you will, Chris.  But yesterday I didn’t have a vessel and today I command a fleet.”

“But they’re all rowboats.”

“Fourteen of them,” Gretel added loyally.

“Bruce, you look different in pantaloons,” Ronnie told him.

“I’m uncomfortable without a draft,” he admitted.

“They drafted you into the navy, didn’t they,” Randolph replied.  “That’ll teach you to hang around with sailors.”

“Does this make you an admiral?” Gretel asked her husband.

Christopher snorted.

“That’s an awful habit you picked up from Rosa,” Randolph informed him.

Chris sighed.  “I wonder what she’s up to now.”

“I wonder were the crew is,” was Randolph’s reply

“I sent them out to find battering rams.”

*     *     *

“Stop!  Thief!” yelled the beggar, as a peg legged sailor made off with his crutches.  And he gave chase.  The beggar nearly caught him because he could run faster, when a milk cart got in the way.  “Ow!”  The beggar fell to the ground with a broken leg.  “Help me!  I’m a cripple,” he cried.  But no one believed him any more.

The sailor hopped into the next intersection and paused to wipe his brow.  But he was soon off again as he ran into his mates being chased by the residents of an infirmity hospital.

*     *     *

“That’s twelve of ‘em, Capt’n,” said a sailor with both a peg leg and a hook, as he laid the crutches out on the pier.  But those with all their fingers and toes disagreed.  “We counted thirteen,” they insisted.  “I only see ten,” admitted the sailor with an eye patch.

“We need fourteen,” said Chris.

“We’ll have to use the elephant’s,” responded Randolph.

“Blimey!’ said the sailors.  “You mean he’s real?”

*     *     *

The previous day…

“That didn’t go so well, did it?” the hen asked the peddler, after they took refuge in the chicken coop.  A Scottish hen was looking at them strangely.

“I have no idea what set them off,” replied Don Swan, as he sat down and picked up a bit of straw to scrape the moss off his tooth.

The Scottish hen started squawking.

“What’s the matter with her?” Don asked.

“It appears that’s her nest and you’re sitting on her daughter.

The hen continued squawking.

“And she wants to know what your intentions are.”

*     *     *

The sleeping arrangements in the castle would have been strained even if they weren’t invaded by frogs.

“Mother!  Gretel sleeps with me.  She is not going to the dungeon.”

“Make up your mind,” said Aberdeen, as she stood in a half-opened doorway that led downward.

A short while later, after all had retired, two frogs silently hopped through the castle.

“Tell me again why we’re doing this?” the first frog asked.

“If we can get a pretty girl to kiss us, we’ll turn back into princes.”

“Princess, as in female?”

“No.  Prince – only plural”

“English is a difficult language, isn’t it?”

“Talk quieter,” the other frog warned.  “Yes.  It’s way off to one side of the Indo-European language tree.”

“You know, I don’t remember having ever been a prince.  When I think back to my childhood, I recall lots of water and the smell of pond scum.  It was wonderful.  But you know how the mind plays tricks on you; I seem to remember having a tail…Excuse me.  You can go first.”  The last remark was to Llywarch, who was returning to his room with glass of warm milk.

“Thank you,” replied Llywarch.  “You’re very kind.”  And he preceded the frogs down the hall.

The frogs first looked into the room where the Countess was sleeping.  “If you’re kissed by an old woman, do you suppose you’re changed into an old prince?”

“Let’s not risk it.”  And they hopped to the next room.

“Ah,” said a frog.  “This smells like pond scum.”

“We don’t need to go into there.  That’s were the unmarried men are sleeping.”

“This is it!”  And they hopped into the room where Ronnie, Rosa, and Colleen were asleep.

“Excuse me,” said the first frog.  Fortunately Llywarch’s room was close enough for them to be understood.

“Oh, Ronnie.  Let us sleep.  We don’t care how handsome Bruce is.”  Rosa and Colleen both pulled pillows over their heads.

“Er…We’re not Ronnie.  We’re frogs.”

Rosa sat bolt upright.  “I don’t care what Larry told you…and I don’t care what he saw it that nut.  “I’m not kissing a frog.  Christopher was bad enough.”

“But we want to be…ah… princes.”

“A princess?  I’m especially not kissing a girl frog.”

“No," said the second frog in exasperation.  “That’s more than one prince – as in plural.”

“Oh.”

“Does she have to be pretty?” asked Ronnie.  “I’ll kiss you if she has to be a pretty one.  Can I go get Bruce to watch?  Maybe it’ll make him jealous.”

The second frog looked at the first one.  “Young, pretty, and royal – those are the requirements aren’t they?”

“What makes you think you’ll turn into a prince – plural - if you kiss a pretty, young royal?” asked Rosa.

“That’s what the peddler told us.”

“What?  The one with a green tooth and a pet frog?”

The frogs look at each other.  “No,” they replied.  “He had a gold tooth and was accompanied by a chicken.”

“Did you know,” added the first frog.  “That chicken could talk without moving its lips.”

“Los Pollos del Diablo,” gasped Rosa.

“Don Swan is sure a master of disguises isn’t he?” said Colleen.

“What’s he up to?” wondered Rosa.

“All we know,” added the second frog, “is that after kissing you, we’re supposed to leave through the bedroom window and place a ladder under it.”

“If you need to kiss royalty,” stated Ronnie, returning to the subject at hand.  “You’ll have to kiss the leprechaun.  She’s a king’s daughter.  My dad was only an Earl.  And Rosa’s was a tax collector.”

“What do you think,” the first frog asked the second.  “Do tax collectors count as royalty?”

The second frog sighed, “No.  I think they just collect it.”

“That’s it then.  Too bad,” said Rosa.  “If I were royalty, I’d be happy to kiss you.”  She picked up the first frog to throw him out the window.

“I wish you were,” replied the frog.

Somewhere in his sleep, Llywarch heard the tinkling of a bluebell.  But he missed the puff of smoke when Rosa and the frog disappeared.”

*     *     *

“That didn’t work,” said the frog, after giving Rosa a peck on the lips and hopping from her hand – still as green as ever.

“Gentlemen, “I’d like to introduce you to my new daughter, Rosa,” said Queen Elizabeth, as she entered the royal chamber accompanied by Sir Francis Drake and Admiral Watanabe.