“This river has three ends,” Christopher said, as the carpet reached the Danube delta where the Danube split into three branches, and came to a stop in a clearing just before a swamp.  The air was musty with the smell of decay and overgrown vegetation.  “That doesn’t seem fair.  Rivers are supposed to merge, not separate.”

“All’s fair in love and war,” Randolph responded.

 “What does that have to do with this?”

“Nothing, I guess, said Randolph.  “But I don’t know a saying about three rivers.”

“I remember hearing about three rivers…something about a stadium,” Llywarch interjected.  “I can’t recall what is was, but I believe pirates were involved.  Has anyone else got a craving for mustard?”

“How do we know which one the genie lives on?” Gretel asked.

“I have a suggestion,” said Irving.  “Dam two of them, so they no longer flow to the sea.”

“Which two should we block off?” asked Chevy.

“It won’t matter.  Since we know the genie lives where the Danube flows to the Black Sea, he’ll have to live on the one that’s left.”

“That’s brilliant,” said Chevy.  He turned and said, “Dam River!” with a chuckle.

“That reminds me,” said Irving.  “Close your eyes and open your mouth.”

“Yuck!  That tastes awful,” Chevy said.  “What was it?”

“Soap,” said Irving.  “I figured out what your unique number system meant.”

“Have you got any of that I could borrow?” asked Gretel, giving Randolph a meaningful look.

“Blimey,” said Randolph.  “…I mean, Chevy, you should watch yourself around the ladies.

The others kept their mouths shut.

At the edge of the clearing were two enormous stones.  “Hombre,” Irving asked.  “Can you roll those stones in front of two rivers?”

“Yes, ma’am,” answered Hombre, while keeping his hand over his mouth.

As each stone fell into place, that branch of the Danube dried up with a sucking sound, much like a plug being pulled in a bathtub.  All of the travelers scratched, as it reminded them of their own unwashed state.

 “Er… we’d better go,” suggested Llywarch.  The beds of the dry rivers were beginning to fill up with angry water creatures looking disgruntled and shaking their fists.

 “It’s not permanent,” Irving said, as the carpet sped them to safety.  “Eventually the water will undercut the stones and wash them away.

There was a house right at the end of the Danube where the blue of the river met the black of the sea.  It was an unkempt house that looked like no one had lived there for a long time.  Shingles were missing from the roof.  Shutters hung haphazardly.  Newspapers were piled up on the porch.  Mail was overflowing in the box.  And the lawn was as high as Harley’s back.  Rex started munching on it.

When they entered the house, through a creaky door, the inside was a mess.  Cobwebs were on the ceiling and dishes were stacked in the sink.  Dust was everywhere; on tables and pictures and windows, but especially on the floor.  Tiny foot prints could be seen in it, leading up the stairs.

As they reached the top of the stairs, a feminine voice could be heard in a far room.  “The stone,” she said.  “I must have the stone.”

“I know how you feel,” Llywarch called out.  “I had a stone once.  It took a week to pass.  I thought I was going to die,” he told Gretel.

A tiny frizzy red head with bright blue eyes poked itself around the frame of the door.  “Please don’t hurt me,” she said.  “I have gold.”  A woman, shorter than Hombre, stepped out into the hall.

“My dear,” said Llywarch.  “We wouldn’t rob someone while they were passing a kidney stone.  That would be barbarian.”

“What Larry means,” Gretel added, “is that we wouldn’t rob anyone any time.  We want to help.”

“Yes, of course, that’s what I meant,” Llywarch harrumphed.  “Just how much gold do you have?”

“Larry!”

“I’m sorry.  It’s just that I need to buy some nuts.”

“You’re beautiful,” Hombre whispered.  “Are you a dwarf?  My name's Hombre.”  He flexed his muscles.

“No.  I’m a Leprechaun.  I’m Colleen.”

“That’s a b...beautiful name,” Hombre stuttered.

“Thank you.  Have you seen my stone?”

“Here now,” said Llywarch.  “We’ll have none of that.  We’re decent folk.”

“I don’t think she’s talking about a kidney stone, Larry,” said Randolph.

“Oh!  Gall stone then…that’s just as bad.”

“No.  I’m talking about the Blarney Stone,” Colleen said in distress.

“Blarney, huh,” responded Llywarch.  “I don’t know what part of the body that’s near, but if it’s decent, then sure we’ll take a look at it.”

“I lost it!’

“Oh!  You should be feeling better soon, then.”

“Larry!  I don’t think she’s talking about a body part,” Gretel interrupted.  “It’s a real stone that she lost.  Is it an important stone, Colleen?  How big is it?”

“It’s bigger than this,” said Colleen, as she spread her arms out.  “And it’s the most important stone in Ireland.”

“My goodness,” said Llywarch.  “I’d hate to think of passing that.”

“I’ll find it,” promised Hombre and he started looking under beds.

“When I lose things,” said Gretel.  “It helps to think of where I saw it last.”

“It was in the garden a day ago.  I was sitting on it.  Then, suddenly, it vanished – and I fell to the ground.”

“You weren’t hurt, were you?” asked Hombre.

“No.”  Colleen flashed him such a charming smile that he almost fell down the stairs.  “…only my conscience.”

“If that’s what you want to call it,” said Llywarch.  “I prefer derriere.”

“Let’s go to the garden,” said Irving.  “Maybe we can find a clue and you can tell us about it.”

“What about the genie?” asked Chris.  “He stole my fiancee.”

“Her too,” said Randolph.  “I though he stole Rosa.”

“Rosa is my fiancee,” Chris insistent through gritted teeth.  “I just haven’t had a chance to ask her, yet.”

“You don’t have a fiancee, do you?” Hombre asked Colleen.  But the girls were already outside.

As they stood in the garden, Colleen told them, “The genie hasn’t been here in ages.  I’ve heard stories about him being in a bottle…or maybe a lamp.  Anyway, the place is abandoned.  So, I came here to hide from my father, the king.”

“King, huh,” said Hombre.  “I don’t suppose he wants you to marry a commoner.”

“He wants me to marry, Shamus O’Flannigan, that pompous bag of wind.”

“I have wind sometimes,” Llywarch admitted.

“Larry!  Be quiet and listen.”

“He can’t make you marry this Shameless person, can he?” asked Hombre.

“No,” said Colleen.  “Not if I can help it.  I stole the Blarney Stone and hid it here.  I’m not giving it back until Daddy agrees to let me marry whom I want.”

“Oh,” said Hombre.  “You have another boyfriend then?”

“Not yet,” said Colleen.  “But I want to be free to marry whom I want when I fall in love.”

“How do you feel about pig farming?” Hombre asked.

“Is this where it was, in the garden?” Irving asked, pointing to a large hole in the ground.”

“Yes.”

“That’s too big to put in a pocket,” Chevy said.

“If you’re not going to help, then just be quiet.”  Irving glared at him.

“Sorry.”

“What’s so important about the Blarney stone,” asked Randolph.

“A better question is how is this helping us find Rosa?” Christopher muttered.

“It’s the official stone of the King of Ireland.  Kissing it gives one the Gift of Gab.”

“I’ve never been one to kiss and tell,” said Randolph.

“If you’re not going to help, then just be quiet.”  Gretel glared at him.

“Where could you have gone?” Irving said addressing the hole, while pushing her glasses back up on her nose.

“My father would be willing to give a pot of gold to get it back.”

A loud explosion sounded in the distance.

“What was that?” asked Randolph.

“Oh,” said Colleen.  “That’s the pirates.  They’re having another Carnival.  They have one every Saturday.  This time they have something they stole.  I heard talk of it being valuable.

“The stone,” the travelers all said at once.

The Pirate Carnival turned out to be on the next branch of the river, which, of course, was dry.  Ships were sitting on the ground with their anchors resting beside them.  Pirate captains were standing at the sides of their vessels staring down with puzzled looks on their faces.  One captain, who refused to admit defeat, had all his sails unfurled and was trying to run before the wind.  There was a horrible scrapping sound as his ship moved along an inch at a time.  Several row boats had been caught in the drainage.  Their crews sat at their oars not knowing what to do.

“I saw something like this once in Italy,” one pirate was insisting, to the skepticism of his shipmates.

On the banks of the river, the party was in full swing.  The Carnival was for pirates only, but it was easy to sneak in.  They each put on an eye patch.

“What’s this party for,” Randolph asked the pirate guarding the entry.

The pirate paused from feeding crackers to the parrot on his shoulder and turned to look at them with his beady eye.

“Er… that’s a nice parrot you have,” said Gretel.

The pirate smiled a wide, one-toothed smile and agreed.  “I’m trainin’ it to enter the ‘Polly Want a Cracker’ contest…But we never win.”

“What’s the problem?” asked Irving.

“The bird’s name’s Richard.”

“What’s this party for,” Randolph asked again.

“Oh,” replied the pirate.  “This is our annual April Fools day Carnival.”

“But it’s May,” said Randolph.

“It may be to you,” answered the pirate, “but not to us.  All we’ve got’s this little bit of calendar to go by.”  He held up a torn calendar that showed the first week of April from about ten years before.  “So every time we get to the end of the page, we start over again.”

“Makes sense,” said Llywarch.

“Split up, but keep an eye open for anything to do with the stone,” said Irving, after the pirate let them through.

Chevy walked into a tree.  “Wrong eye,” he said.

“If you’re not going to help, then just be quiet.”  Irving glared at him.

“What does the stone look like?” Gretel asked Colleen.

“It’s white with streaks of gray.”

*     *     *

Back in Budapest, Rosa and William still had their hands on the lamp.

“Let go,” said Rosa, “This is my wish.”

“You wish,” said William.

“That’s one,” said the genie.

“You are a rude, ignorant, unattractive simpleton.  And you’re not at all funny.  I’m sure you were a disappointment to your parents.”  Rosa added, “I wish you were as interesting as William.”

“That’s two.  Although that one seems like a waste,” said the genie.

“Oh,” Rosa put her hand to her mouth in dismay.  “I wish I hadn’t said that.”

“That’s three,” said the genie in exasperation.  “You couldn’t remember to set me free, could you?”

“But I still have three wishes, don’t I?” asked William.

“Sadly, no.  You both had your hand on the lamp, so it counts for both of you.”  There was a puff of smoke and the genie disappeared back into the lamp.

“I wish he'd left his rug, “said William.  “It’s cold in here.”

Rosa gave him a disdainful look and settled down in the straw with her back against the wall.

*     *     *

It was apparent that this was a strange and unusual Carnival.  Normal events like bean tosses, juggling, tug-of-war, dancing and flower painting were replaced by knife throwing, picking pockets, anchor stealing, brawling, walking the plank and tattooing.  Walking the plank wasn’t getting much attention.  It lost its thrill with the river dry.  Even the sharks were just laying there in disgust.  And ships that lost their anchor didn’t drift much, either.

Cannon ball bowling was an interesting variation of nine pins.  Live pirates with peg legs were used instead of pins.  “That’s no fair, he jumped,” was a common complaint after a cannon was fired.  But nobody got their money back.

“KANGAROO COURT” read a large sign on the side of a waterfront warehouse.

“Pardon me,” said Llywarch, as he made his way past a boisterous group congregating in front of it.

“Arrest that man,” said one of the pirates.  And Llywarch found himself in their grasp.

“What am I being charged with?” asked Llywarch.

“Being polite,” was the reply.  “We, pirates, don’t like that!”

The others found themselves meeting up again at the end of the causeway without any clues to the missing stone.  And worse, it was starting to rain.

Did you notice anything unusual?” asked Randolph

You mean like kicking, scratching, biting and generally acting in an abhorrent manner?” asked Gretel.

“No,” said Randolph, “something unusual.”

“They all seemed to be having a good time and they didn’t mind showing it,” said Hombre.

“That’s it,” said Randolph.  “When have you ever seen a pirate having a good time?”

“Well,” said Colleen.  “I’ve only been here a short time and I don’t know many pirates.”

“Normally secretive and taciturn pirates are talkative and gregarious.  It’s like they’ve all kissed this Blarney Stone,” said Randolph.  “Maybe they set up a kissing booth.”

“If you’re not going to help…” Gretel started to say.

But Irving interrupted.  “That’s it,” she said.  “We’ll set up a kissing booth.”

“I’m not sure I want to kiss a pirate," said Hombre.

 “No,” said Irving.  “The women will set up a kissing booth.  And we’ll charge a stone for each kiss.  The bigger the stone, the better the kiss.  Look how beautiful Gretel is.  If the Blarney Stone’s here, someone’s bound to give it to her.

“I’ll have to stand on a stool,” said Colleen.

“We don’t like it,” said Randolph, Chevy, and Hombre.

“I’m glad Rosa’s not here," said Chris.

In short order, the girls had set up the booth with a sign announcing the price of one stone per kiss.  And the pirates lined up.  The booth had a roof with the added advantage of keeping the women out of the rain, while their men stood outside, drenched and looking glum.

It didn’t take long for the pirates to realize that the bigger the stone, the better the kiss.

“I’ve never kissed a man with missing teeth before,” said Irving.  “It’s a bit unnerving.”

Suddenly there was a large sucking sound and a pirate appeared before Gretel with the giant stone that had been blocking the river.  There was the sound of rushing water and a yelp from the Walking-the-Plank booth, as the sharks were finally able to reach a participant.

Gretel looked at the size of the stone and put a closed sign in her window.  “I’m not that kind of girl,” she said, and left in a huff.

The Sea Hag, who sat on the bench of the Kangaroo Court, was just about ready to pronounce sentence on Llywarch for being polite, when the others found him in the warehouse.  There was the incessant ringing of her spittoon - when she didn’t miss.  She was the ugliest, meanest looking person in the room.  Her face was wrinkled and her hair was sparse.  She had a patch on one eye, and only one tooth.

“The pirate that let us in had one tooth, also,” said Llywarch, to make conversation.

“Oh, so you met my baby brother.”

“Be sure to smile,” the pirate who was defending him said.  “Act happy and talk a lot…She likes the strong and silent type.”

In the back of the warehouse, pirates were – with great effort - smiling, talking, acting happy…and staying as far away from the hag as possible.  They worked good-naturedly, as they broke open brown, furry balls and scraped a white substance lined with gray out of them onto long tables.

“That explains the openness and talking,” Randolph whispered to the others.

“Are those coconuts?” asked Llywarch.

“White with gray streaks,” realized Randolph, looking at the tables.  “That’s not the Blarney Stone.  That’s copra.”

“What’s copra?” asked Irving.

“Copra is the meat of a coconut.  It’s used to extract coconut oil.

“I use it to soften my skin,” the hag said.

“There’s not enough oil in captivity,” Chris snarled.

“Say, you look interesting,” the hag responded.

“Smile,” the defense attorney told him.  “Remember to smile.”

Chris quickly smiled as broad and bright as he could.

“I think coconut and almonds would make a good candy bar,” offered Gretel.

“Can I borrow one of these nuts?” Llywarch asked, walking over and holding one up to the light.  “I found Rosa,” he said.  “She’s back in Budapest.”

“Let’s go,” said Chris.  And the travelers headed for the door, only to find it bared by happy pirates.

“Em…Em…,” the hag cleared her throat.  “About the matter of a fine for being polite.”

“I’m not polite, you ugly old bag.”

“Very good,” the hag told Llywarch.  “But it’s a little late.  I fine you one pot of gold…but I’m willing to suspend the fine for a kiss.”  She giggled and batted her eyelashes at Llywarch.

“I like it better when you do it,” Chevy whispered to Irving.

“But I don’t have any gold,” Llywarch answered.  Outside it stopped raining and the sun came out.  But gloom remained in the warehouse.

“Well, then.  I’ll just have to have that little kiss.”  She spat at the spittoon and closed her eyes, puckering her lips.

All the pirates backed against the walls.

“Wait a minute,” Colleen said.  “There’s a rainbow.”  She stepped outside, but she was back almost immediately with a pot of gold.  “Here.”  She dumped the pot on the bench.  “I’d like to keep the pot, if I may.  I plant geraniums in them.”

“I’ve always loved geraniums,” Hombre said.

“What kind of manure do you use?” asked Gretel.

“I wanted to get in line and kiss you when you were in the booth,” Hombre told Colleen, as they walked back to the house where they left the carpet and the animals.  “But I didn’t have a stone.”

“Wait.  There’s something in my shoe.  Will you get out it for me?”

Hombre knelt and extracted an object from under Colleen’s heel.  “It’s a bit of rock.”  Hombre held it up and showed it to her.  “I hope it didn’t hurt.

Colleen took the pebble, then reached up on her tiptoes and kissed him.

“Wow!” said Hombre.  “That was quite a kiss.”

“Well,” replied Colleen.  “It was a big pebble.