Are you
depressed?
Overwhelmed?
…conflicted?
A flop with chicks?
Maybe the
Dark Side of the Force is for you!
Last night
I sat myself down and started watching Star Wars movies to get myself into the
correct frame of mind for George’s latest movie—Revenge of the Sith. Now, before, I get
started, I’m going to lay out the titles of the movies (in chronological order)
and the abbreviated names of each movie so I can save time and typing later and
so we’ll all be working from the same page, mmmmkay?
Episode I:
The Phantom Menace…………….Also known as
T.P.M. or simply “Menace”.
Episode
II: Attack of the Clones……………….Also
known as A.O.T.C. or simply “Clones”
Episode
III: Revenge of the Sith………………..Also known as R.O.T.S or simply “Sith”
Episode
IV: A
Episode V:
The Empire Strikes Back…………..Also
known as E.S.B. or simply “Empire”
Episode
VI: Return of the Jedi…………………..Also
known as R.O.T.J or simply “Jedi”
Believe it
or not, many people can’t keep the order of these movies straight.
Ok, so I
watched my copy of Menace and
grudgingly accepted, upon close scrutiny that, yes indeed, it did play like a
kid’s movie. It was almost entirely exposition and flashy special effects. Very
good lightsaber dueling and Darth Maul made the movie
worth the trouble though. And yes, Jar-Jar was pretty lame and superfluous, but
so was Walter Mondale and we survived him. Get over it.
Then I
watched Clones. Wow. CGI animation
good! Dialogue bad! Really bad dialogue! But—we got to see Jango Fett’s ship, Slave 1, strutting her hostile, destructive stuff, which was
impressive, as was Jango Fett.
Mace Windu’s lightsaber
technique needed work though. If you’re a fan, and you have an imagination and
you’re willing to consider the plight of the characters, then the movie wasn’t
too bad. But the dialogue was awful and the plot seemed to drag, relying too
heavily upon a visual display to carry an underdeveloped storyline. Heck, even Ewan MacGregor’s beard looked
terrible. Clones
was probably the worst of the Star Wars movies. But Yoda’s lightsaber freak-out made the movie worth the yawns. Well,
that and Natalie Portman’s ultra-snug white body glove… or the black leather
strapless prom dress she wore in the fireplace make-out room on Naboo… or—well, you get the idea.
And then,
after a good night’s sleep, I climbed onto my motorcycle and rode over to the
local Cineplex (because I’m too lazy to walk my fat ass over there), bought my
ticket, was directed to the wrong theater, and finally found a seat in the
correct theater just as the introductory crawl for Revenge of the Sith made it’s way across
the screen.
Whew. That
was close.
So… what
would you like to know?
Speaking
as a die-hard fan of the Star Wars chronicles, and as someone who counts Darth
Vader among his personal heroes (because people don’t tend to argue with D.V.
all the time, and if the do, they don’t do it for very long)…
It is my
opinion that Revenge of the Sith,
is—quite possibly—the best movie in the sextology (?)
This movie
kicked my ass.
It
LITERALLY made me laugh and made me cry. There is so much going on in this
movie that—by the time you get to the end of it—you almost forget all the cool
crap that happened at the beginning because of all the cool crap that happens
in the middle and all the cool crap that happens toward the end. It was
engaging and exhilarating all the way through (the exact opposite
effect of watching a Kevin Costner movie). Watching this movie was like watching a
distillation of the very best elements of Hope,
Empire and Jedi as well as the jaw-dropping visual effects of Menace and Clones all rolled into one movie.
There’s really no way to describe how much better Sith is than Clones or Menace except to put it like this: Have you ever had to do
something that you haven’t done in a long time (play ping-pong, shoot a game of
nine-ball, dance the Charleston, whatever), and upon trying to do it again, you
suck at it even though you were really, REALLY good at it when you
used to do it on a regular basis? But doing it again after being away from it
for a while, for the first few minutes/games/whatever, you stink at it. But
then, once your brain and your muscles remember how to do it, you find that
you’re actually better at it than you used to be?
I think
this same principle applies to George Lucas. When he started making Menace, he hadn’t made a Star Wars movie
in 28 years. He was rusty. He was out of practice. His first couple
of attempts at getting back in the game were pretty feeble. We can all
agree on that. But with Sith… let’s just say that
George finally remembered how to do slam dunks.
Over…
and over…
and over again.
Did I
mention that this movie kicked my ass?
George
finally remembered how to do dramatic tension, thrilling seat-of-your-pants
adventure, supense, humor and tragedy. Suddenly, I
cared about these characters again. I actually gave a damn. I forgot for a
while that I was just watching a movie, and that’s what makes Revenge of the Sith
so f#%&ing good. It pulled me in and took me for
a ride.
And in spite of the fact that I know what would eventually happen
to all the characters, this movie made me cry… and that’s saying
something. It moved me. The only
other time in my adult life that a Star Wars movie made (and continues to make)
me shed a tear or two was when Chewbacca was howling in anguish, frustration
and rage, and throwing a fit as Solo was about to be encased in carbonite in Empire.
But let me tell you right now—if you go see Revenge
of the Sith, and you can sit through the whole
movie without needing a hankie or a tissue at least once, then you’re not
human. You’re not even a machine. If you can watch this movie without crying
just a little bit, then you’re already dead inside and you should go have
yourself buried. I think this movie may be George’s masterpiece.
It seems a
pity that it’s the last one.
Plot progression/development: Outstanding. You've gotta run to keep up with this movie. It is, to quote
Obi-Wan Kenobi-- "Always in motion". This thing never
stops. It doesn't drag. It doesn't stall. This is a racehorse of a movie. And
it likes to run. The thing is, you've really gotta
sit through the two snoozers that preceed it to be
able to know what's been going on, and then it will make the last three even
more enjoyable not only in the way you view Darth Vader and Yoda, but also how
you evaluate the real power that Luke Skywalker really had. Annakin
Skywalker got nearly fifteen years of daily instruction in the Jedi
disciplines from a number of established masters in a controlled environment.
Luke Skywalker got a crash course (measured literally in weeks) in
How-To-Be-A-Jedi-Supercommando, in a swamp with some
crackpot little old froggy-dude. Granted, it was Yoda
doing the teaching, but still, in just a few weeks Luke learned enough to fight
Vader to a standstill. That, my
friends, is power. Even Yoda's jaw dropped and his eyes went wide when Luke
actually managed to get his crashed X-Wing to move in the swamp, even if he
didn't get it out. Yoda recognized that "the prophecy" had probably
been misinterpreted, but it doesn't become evident until Empire, or possibly
even Jedi.
This is
lifted almost directly from Arthurian legend. Lancelot was the greatest fighter
that ever lived, and his son Galahad (I think
it was Galahad) was just as good a fighter as Lancelot. But the reason Galahad
ultimately defeated Lancelot was because Galahad was pure of heart and spirit,
whereas Lancelot’s soul was polluted by selfishness, pride, lust and avarice.
He’d been schtupping the queen—a queen that was not,
in fact his for the schtupping. So, too, was Vader
defeated, not only by Luke, but by his own hubris and arrogance.
Action: And let me tell you, there's plenty of
it. It is all spectacular, but one of the best parts of the action--at least
for me-- is something that might be too subtle for the average viewer to catch
on the first viewing. Before Annakin turns to the
dark side, his lightsaber technique involves a lot of
footwork, like a boxer. After he turns to the dark side, if he moves his feet
at all, it is to drive his opponent backward. Otherwise he more or less just
stands in one spot and wears his opponent out. The guy is planted. He aint movin
unless he wants to. But the lightsaber dueling
is... what's a good word? FEROCIOUS! And there's plenty of it. Hayden Christensen
seems to have become a much, much better actor since Clones, but the fencing that he and Ewan MacGregor do in Sith is just breathtaking.
From what I've heard and read, they spent many loooooooooooong
rehearsal hours working to make the dueling look fierce and realistic.
They do not disappoint.
Music: The soundtrack, as always, is first rate. Just
the right thematic score for the moment from moment to moment (all hail John
Williams), and pleasantly enough in the theater I went to, not too loud.
Sometimes the soundtrack walks all over the dialogue or the sounds of the
action. Not this time. The sound
engineers on this movie really did a great job. There are a couple of moments
in Clones that are sheer torture for
me to have to listen to. There were NONE of these errors in Sith.
Visuals: This movie’s visual effects are
spectacular, especially the business with all the lava toward the end of the
movie. Try to imagine
Non-humans: The charge of the Wookiee
Brigade was pretty impressive. It was nice to see what Wookiees
can do en masse when pissed off. If you thought Chewie
was a bad-ass brawler, try to imagine what Chewie and
four hundred of his Wookiee brothers can do. Lots of aliens and crap all over the place. Jar-Jar appears,
only momentarily at the end of the movie, but doesn’t talk much. Actually, I
don’t remember him talking at all, but don’t quote me on that.
Droids: Here’s my problem with the droids all
over the place: A droid army just doesn’t impart the sense of peril that a live
army does. They’re machines. Who cares if they get hacked to pieces by lightsabers.
Crunch all you want. We’ll make more. And why… why are some of the combat droids actually kinda stupid? Maybe it would be because of task-specific
programming or something. I don’t know. All I know is that at one point pretty
early on in the movie, R2-D2 is being antagonized/menaced by a couple of combat
droids (“being hassled by The Can”?), one of whom physically lifts him off the
ground like a playground bully picking on a smaller kid… and Artoo lays an extremely nasty little surprise on the two
a-holes who were roughing him up. It is a maneuver that reminds me of the way
my own wife’s mind works. “I may be smaller than
you, but it just makes me fight that much harder if you back me into a corner”. Artoo,
it turns out, is
a particularly nasty little bastard if you piss him off. That’s why everybody
loves him. This movie also gave me the impression that Artoo
might have a few crossed wires or some bugs in his programming. In Menace he was described as “an older
model”, so he might be going a little cyber-senile? But then, he’s not exactly
been handled like a Faberge egg, has he?
Then
there’s this character named General Grievous. It seems that he’s a cyborg, but all that appears to remain of his living
biomass is a brain, a pair of eyeballs, a heart (?) and maybe a bit of
connective tissue. The rest of it looks like a cross between the Terminator’s
endoskeleton and a high-tech voodoo mask. Grievous is a good, scary villain who
can handle…well, let’s just say-- more than two lightsabers
at once, jump around like Spiderman, and all that good stuff. But here’s the
thing... He’s a cyborg. He’s mostly droid. He’s a
brain, a pair of eyes and a heart, right? The rest of it is mechanical…right?
You’re with me so far? The thing is… he’s got this cough. I mean, it’s a cough. An asthmatic cough. An emphysema kind of cough. A
three-packs-of-unfiltered-menthol-cigarettes-a-day kind of cough. The
dude has A Cough.
No lungs.
No throat.
Not really
even a discernable mouth.
Just A Cough that sounds like somebody using a
gunnysack full of wet concrete for a punching bag. His cough sounds like
someone beating a dead elephant with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.
Seriously…this cyborg has A Cough.
And he’s
mostly cyborg. You’ll see what I mean as soon as you
see the movie (imagine if your refrigerator started sneezing). And
then you too shall find yourself wondering “what the hell…?”
(My wife
looked at me and said “Maybe he caught a
computer virus”. Can you see now why I married her? The girl is funny!)
The big
question: Is this movie worth premium movie ticket prices?
The
answer: YES. Go see it. If you don’t see this on the big
screen with the big sound, then you’ve missed a real experience. This movie has
the old magic back in spades. George done good. Wow,
gosh and damn has he ever done good. The thing is, this movie is soooooo busy that
you’ll need to see it several times (cha-ching!) just to be able to absorb everything. I need to see this
flick at least two more times, because there was just so
much to watch and to see and take in.
A word of warning: This movie might be a
little rough for some of the younger viewers. I would caution parents to
preview this movie before taking anybody under the age of, oh—let’s say ten
years old. It might be more than the tykes could handle in a few places, which
is why it has the PG-13 rating. What makes this movie so good is also what
might make it inappropriate for the little ones. This movie is awfully dark… and I’m not
talking about the lighting. So if you’ve got little kids, preview the movie
before you take them. They might be able to handle it just fine. They might
not. This movie really is heartbreaking in places. But it goes a looooooong way toward explaining why the Darth Vader we
know and love is so very, very pissed off with everything for the rest of his
life-- because so many people had been using him and manipulating him and
screwing with him when he was Annakin Skywalker,
giving him all the work and all the responsibility of a Jedi master without
actually giving him the tile, the authority or the perks that go along with
being "Master Skywalker" (kind of like the mayor of Portland and
the FBI, huh?).
It also beautifully illustrates that the Dark Side of the Force will consume
those who try to use it and how it does it.
This is a very,
very good movie. I'll be seeing it again as soon as I can possibly afford it. I
give it five Stars out of a possible five.
Did I
mention that this movie kicked my ass?
Go see
it...
... and bring a hankie.
Addendum 1:
In Attack
of the Clones, Ewan MacGregor's
beard looked wispy, stringy and generally terrible-- as though he'd been eating
paste and then fallen face-first into a pile of
fiberglass insulation. He literally looked like he was wearing a fake beard.
In Revenge
of the Sith his beard and even his haircut looks much
better.
It seems as though Lucas might have had a lot more help on this one than he did
before. It's the little details that can make a movie more easily watchable, and somebody was paying a lot more attention to
details like grooming the actors on the set of Sith. Maybe that's one of the things that made it so
good. It didn't look so cheap and amateurish as Menace or Clones.
There are
a thousand other things I've not mentioned about this movie because there was
so much in it... I just can't remember everything. Holly aptly described it as
a very "busy" movie in that there's a
Addendum
2:
Some of
you have asked the three same questions and seem to expect me to be able to
answer them. Fine. Here's
some answers. I don't know if they're the correct answers, but they seem
reasonable enough to me. Now get off my back, willya!?
I think I
may have actually figured out a reason why General
Grievous has a cough, but it was pretty involved and would most likely
bore the hell out of the average reader of a simple movie review. Here's a
thumbnail sketch of the explanation [and an excuse to use some of the crap that I
learned from aaaaaaallllll of those
biology/zoology/human anatomy & physiology classes I took in college]:
Biological organisms have respiratory systems lined with ciliated cells.
The cilia in those cells are constantly flailing away to carry
micro-particulate matter up and out of the respiratory system-- hence: Boogers,
mucus and phlegm. It those cilia become damaged/inflamed/infected (with
something like bronchitis or pneumonia) the person has to resort to the secondary
reflex of coughing to literally "blow" the unwanted crap out of the
lungs. Now, if Grievous has no lungs, but does have some sort of synthetic air
sacs with semi-permeable membranes for gas exchange, then he's either gotta rely on some sort of artificial filter that would
need to be changed at regular intervals-- like the air filter in your car,
or the lint screen in your dryer at home... or he's gotta
cough. If his filters become clogged with dust, smoke, or
other foriegn particulate shizzle,
he could just "blow" the crap out of the filter like a vaccuum cleaner with it's hose set
for "exhaust"-- and "cough" the filter clear. This could
actually explain why a cyborg would have a cough. I
mean, he's a General in the middle of a war. He probably
doesn't have time to cruise on over to Jiffy Lung or Oil
Can Chewie's to have his respiratory filter swapped out
every 1500 miles, right? He's gotta be able to do it
on the move, wherever he is-- hence: The Cough.
I've also
got an idea why Obi-Wan wound up riding the giant bird-faced iguana
since so many of you can't reconcile your minds with it: In the old west, when
people came into town on the noon train, they frequently didn't have a horse,
but didn't need to buy one since they were only going to be in town for a
few days/weeks. So they went to the livery stable and rented a horse for the
duration of thier stay.
Nowadays,
when people get on a plane and fly to
So if
you're going to another planet, and you don't know the
traffic laws, your'e not checked out as a qualified
operator on the local mode of mechanical transport, or you might not even be
anatomically compatible and thus, physically unable (not enough arms, eyes, vbhlanphnarbs, hands or feet) to operate the rent-a-speeder that was designed for
the local indigenous species. So you take whatever happens to be
available, affordable, manageable and convenient... even if it is a cross
between a giant inguana and an accipiter.
As for why
nobody knew that Padme was having twins-- here's the
only option that I can suggest: She and Annakin were
keeping it on the down-low because they didn't know exactly what to do about
it. They were trying to figure out what to do about/how to
explain her pregnancy without it costing him his job. They were keeping it
kinda secret what with thier
marriage being forbidden and all. Doctors tend to ask a lot of questions, ya know? And sometimes answers only lead to other, more
difficult questions.
You've gotta think about these things, y'see? It's called "Having
An Imagination". It comes in handy, in
spite of what all the nuns told us.
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