The Trashcan’s a Lying Whore
Characters: Ken Kaze & Love!Love! KAMIKAZE!!!
The thousands in attendance produced a prevalent earsplitting ovation as one of Jolt Wrestling’s most interesting teams appeared on the RaveTron. Sitting inside of a rather diminutive locker room was the team of Love!Love! KAMIKAZE!!! and Ken Kaze, known over the past couple of weeks as the collective Team KAMI/Kaze.
Ken was sitting atop a steel chair doubled over, with George the Trashcan perched beside him. He was lacing his boots together in preparation for his upcoming battle against his adversaries in the Ninja Brigade.
Love!Love! KAMIKAZE!!! was opposite him, doing free squats. His eyes were covered by a pair of amber ski goggles with the words “LIVE YOUR EVERY DREAMS” written on the band. After what appeared to be a set, he turned to Kaze.
“Tonight, we will be princes of the universe or we will be dead. But, mark my words: boring we will not be.”
Ken was now adjusting his elbow pads to make sure they were adjusted high enough.
“When are we ever boring? When you have someone as phe . . . phenom . . .” It seemed as if Back Alley Brawler Syndrome had gotten the better of Kaze. With a cringed expression prevalent on his face, he tried desperately to think of the word he was looking for. “Phenomenomenal! Yeah, that. When you have someone as phebliminal as me along side a super ass crazy Japanese karate killer like you . . . you can never lose!”
As Ken began to tape his fingers, hands, and wrists, Kamikaze simply shook his head at Ken’s butchering of his own native language. Apparently, four weeks with the Brawler will drive out any logical sense of dialogue in a person.
“We’ve been good, yeah, but the fans are not paying for good. They are paying for awesome.” He moved in closer to Kaze. “Are we awesome enough?” He raised his goggles as he looked Kaze straight in the eyes.
“Well . . . are we?”
Practically completed with his pre-match preparation, Ken stood up to his feet to repay for the gesture. Gazing into Kamikaze’s eyes, he replied, “Of course. We’re more than awesome. We’re AWESOMER. No, better yet, we’re THE AWESOMEST! Or, how about it . . . WE’RE THE AWESOMEREST!! Yeah, call us Team AWESOMEREST!! Caps and exclamation marks included! So awesome, we rhyme with Mt. Everest and twenty times zero cooler than Mike Awesome!”
“Awesomerest, eh? There’s no such thing, man. Awesome rest is a combination of opposites. Awesome is doing, rest is not doing. So are we going to do or are we going to rest? Are we gonna go out there and kick some ass, or are we gonna lock in some kind of rest hold that’ll get the fans going to buy hot dogs and assorted drinks? No draws . . . no count outs . . . a clean finish every time! We’re not winning for us . . .” Kamikaze trailed off, before continuing. “Who am I kidding? We’re winning for us and we’re going to do it!”
A look of ecstasy engulfed the mug of the hardcore retard. “Damn right, Jet Li. We’re gonna fly in there and kick some ass. I might even have to transform tonight and unleash the power of . . . the STEGOSAURUS!”
Ken looked over to George, hoping for some kind of encouragement. “How about it, George? Are we gonna kick some or are we gonna kick some assssssss?!”
Well, a British accent replied, I think you both are fucking morons, and that you both are going in there only to get your asses handed to ya, personally. But, then again, that’s just the opinion of a trashcan. So what does it matter?
The camera panned across the room to focus on George. He was donning a spray painted smiley face with a cigar protruding from his spray painted ‘mouth’ that was actually a wide punctured hole. Now focusing on Kamikaze, the expression on his face could tell the whole story. He was flabbergasted; stunned; perplexed; paralyzed. An actual talking trashcan? No way. He was going insane after hanging with this idiot for so long. Yeah, that’s it. He was going insane.
“Insane?!” Kamikaze thought aloud.
Ken was looking at him bewildered. “Zuh?”
Realizing he had spoken his thoughts, Kamikaze recovered with, “Huh? Oh, nothing.” His mind was racing to think of an explanation, until at last he decided that there was one answer: “Your trashcan is a filthy lying whore. Promise me you’ll hit the cat hard in the head with it.” He cracked a smile.
Ken returned the expression. Both men were obviously optimistic going into this match, seeing as though they were coming off of a victory over their opponents just last week on Tuesday Night Intense. Despite their optimism, they were nervous, however. Extremely nervous. Who wouldn’t be as nervous if they were in the same position as Team KAMI/Kaze.
Eight thousand dollars was on the line tonight. That’s $8,000; $8K; 8 G’s; 89,000 pesos, amigo.
Also on the line was . . . pride. Pride has been the main force driving these four men in a continual and interchangeable chase of cat and mouse in order to one-up the others. Money may have been the preliminary factor, and will be the closing factor at the end of the night, but pride is the body and soul of this heated rivalry.
And tonight the rivalry would finally come to a close. Hopefully.
