Captain Brainpower
Characters: Geo Vacton, ‘Impact’ Rowdy Burns, Ken Kaze
The RaveTron lit up and quite possibly the single most disturbing thing ever seen on Jolt television was seen. Luckily, it is pay per view television and not Broadcast TV. There would be some problems if it were the former.
Jolt’s Local Neighborhood Retard, Ken Kaze, was leaning up against a wall with his arms extended and gripping onto the hall behind him for support. His head twirled around in complete ecstasy as he screamed in pleasure. “Oh! Ooohhhh!!! Yeah!!! YEEAAHH!!! Just like that!!! Yeah!!! Oh, yeah!!! That’s just how my mommy used to do it!!!!”
The camera slowly pulled back to see the back of Geo Vacton’s head moving back and forth. Putting the pieces together, the crowd began to hurl.
“Oh, oh! Yes! Yes! Pull on it!! Oh, oh lord . . . do the swoop . . . Yes! Yes! Not, ohhhh . . . TIE IT IN A KNOT!!! YES!!! TIE IT IN A KNOT!!!! Yes . . . nice and tight. That’s how I like it.”
W . . .
T . . .
F . . .
How could it be?! Geo Vacton was giving felacio to Ken Kaze?!?!
No, ya idiot!!
The camera finally pulled out all of the way to show Geo Vacton on one knee, tying the boots of Ken Kaze!
. . .
. . .
The crowd took in a deep sigh of relief. You should, too.
“Haha . . . you boys are busy playing with yourselves because you ain't got matches that actually matter tonight. If you're not in the Triple Crown, or in a match with me . . . who gives a shit about you?” The voice behind this remark was none other than the Scrappy One himself, ‘Impact’ Rowdy Burns.
Immediately Ken clutched George, ready to deck Mr. Impact for his offensive statement. Geo, who was now up to his feet, held the hardcore retard back from making any moves he may regret in the future. “Dude, dude . . . calm down. We’ll all get our shot eventually . . .”
“EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY!!! EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY!!! YOU HEAR THAT?!?! REACH DOWN!!! DEEP INSIDE!!!! ASK YOURSELF!!!! IS TODAY YOUR DAY, ROWDY?!!? IS TODAY YOUR DAY?!?!?!”
Rowdy Burns continued his stride past the two men, now giving the impression of being baffled at the impulsive comment made by Ken.
“What an assjack,” muttered Kaze.
In an attempt to cease the rage built up in Ken, Geo said, “Just be careful they don't come loose. And be sure you don’t fall on your face again, okay?” He cracked a smile. “Besides, you got a big match tonight . . . a street fight or something?”
“Yeah,” responded Kaze. “Double or Nothing Street Fight, at that. A lot of money at stake. That crazy Jackie Chan dude I’m teaming with and I can’t afford to lose. Literally.” It was his turn to crack a smile, as he thought he had said something that sounded rather intelligent. “Wow, I’m genie!”
Vacton cocked an eyebrow. “A genie, are ya?”
“Yeah,” answered Ken. “You know, those super smart people with high intellectual skills who all graduate from Bill Gates’ college called ‘Microsoft’? I’m one of those types. George never seems to agree, though, when I prove to him how smart I must be. The reason I know I’m . . . like . . . a genie wizard or whatever is because I talk to his kids. It’s weird. He names them all Windows 98 for some reason. He has a newborn, though, named Windows XP. Really shitty brat if you ask me. Always complaining about me doing illegal operations and stuff. I’m always thinking, ‘Hey, I stopped drinking cocaine years ago! Nothing illegal here!’ I remember the first time XP told me I was doing something illegal, so I smashed his skull in with George, then pulled his life support cables from the wall. You know —”
“Ken!” snapped Geo. “I got’cha, man. I got’cha.” Vacton obviously had enough of Kaze’s rambling. “I gotta go, dude. Gotta get ready for my match tonight as well.”
“Oh, all right, then. See ya later. And good luck, homie.”
“Later,” Vacton concluded as he strolled away from the hardcore idiot. “I swear that guy’s freakin’ weird,” he mumbled under his breath.
Sauntering away in the opposite direction as the scene was fading, Kaze murmured under his breath, “That dude is soo strange sometimes.”
