Awwwww, Shit!
By Ken Kaze ft. Waldo "L33TD00D" Furkenzbaum
Ken Kaze is seen prowling through the backstage corridors, for what reason or reasons is unknown, but it is obvious he is intent on searching for something. He is more quiet than usual, for some odd reason. Okay, never mind, maybe it’s not odd – maybe it’s obvious, but it just sounded good, okay?! However, it seems as if he has reached his destination as he stops at a door: “Personnel Only.”
Attempting to read it he says, “PERSON – NEIL – ON – LEE? OH MY GREATNESS, THEY’RE BUSY BONING IN THERE! PERVERTED ACEHOLES! WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY BE BANGING IN THE BATHROOM, AND PUT A SIGN ON THE DOOR EXPLAINING WHAT THEY ARE DOING ANYWAY?!” He shakes his head and storms off. “Morons.”
Out of nowhere, a familiar voice is heard echoing off of the walls. “HEY! Who’s there?!”
Instinctively, Kaze begins a sprint to escape the source of the voice, pulling a page out of Waldo’s book. As he’s sprinting down the hall, stumbling over wires and crates, knocking over personnel, obnoxious noises emit from his posterior. Apparently, he’s pulling ANOTHER page out of Waldo’s book. His sprint finally comes to an end as he reaches a women’s bathroom. He instantly pushes through the door and enters a stall. More obnoxious sounds can be heard echoing off of the walls.
Ladies’ screams can be heard as they flee, grossed out by the deposits of Kaze. “AAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!” He lets out a loud sigh, showing his relief.
BOOM!
A crash is heard outside of the stall Kaze is in. He looks above the stall door and notices a tile of the ceiling is missing. “DAMMIT! THE COCKROACHES ARE EATING THIS ARENA ALIVE!” He looks down at the ground below the stall door and notices someone’s arm. He instantly pulls his pants up and exits the stall, forgetting to wipe (if the moron even wipes in the first place) AND flush (if the idiot even has any common courtesy in the first place).
“WALDO?! HEY, WALDO! LEETDUDE! WAKE UP!” Lying below Kaze’s feet is an unconscious Waldo; who obviously has fallen from the ceiling in which Olf placed him. “HEY, DUDE, HOW THE HELL DID YOU JUST APPEAR HERE? ARE YOU A MAGICAL BARRACUDA? I HEARD THOSE THINGS CAN DISAPPEAR LIKE *POOF* AND REAPPEAR LIKE *WHAM*!” He stares at Waldo, upset that he’s not listening to him. “WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME?!” He kicks Waldo as hard as he can in the ass.
That seems to work as Waldo rubs his rear end and comes to while sitting up. “OH SNAP~! O-M-G... I’m still alive!” He glances around the bathroom and then up at Kaze.
“What happened my leet compooter pal?”
“Well, everyone is looking for me because they can’t find me, and--”
“I FOUND YOU!” Kaze jumps up and down ecstatically.
“What?”
“I FOUND YOU, AND YOU’RE PLAYING HIDE AND GO SEEK! I DIDN’T KNOW WE WERE PLAYING, YOU SHOULD’VE TOLD ME! THIS IS MY FAVORITE GAME ASIDE FROM THE ONE WHERE PEOPLE TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM THE GUY WHO IS ‘IT’ BY HIDING IN PLACES... I forget the name, though.”
“No, Ken, we weren’t playing hide and go seek. This is a--”
“OOOH, THEN IT’S A WHERE’S WALDO THINGY JUST LIKE IN THE BOOKS! YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS BEAT GEORGE IN FINDING YOU IN THE BOOKS!” Kaze bends over and leaves literally three inches of facial clearance between the two. Waldo backs up while still sitting on his ass. “HOW COME YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT FROM THE BOOKS?”
“Because that’s not me! And this isn’t a Where’s Waldo… “thingy.” Well, it is, but it isn’t. It’s a Where’s Waldo match, L-O-L!”
Kaze has a hard time digesting all of this. “WHAT?! THAT’S NOT YOU?! THEN HE IS YOUR TWIN, RIGHT?” Waldo only stares at him. “RIGHT?!”
“Umm, you got it! He’s my twin, just like that guy in the mirror is your twin, L-O-L!” Waldo agrees to avoid any type of confrontation with Kaze, and he adds a joke... somehow, it doesn’t go over.
“That explains a lot! That guy always does what I do! Even when I try to be sneaky! Except sometimes he accidentally does the reverse! Like, I’ll lift my left hand but he lifts his right! Only sometimes, though.” Waldo blinks. Kaze keeps a shit-eating grin. “So anyway, I thought I did hear something earlier about you missing. I didn’t know it was hide and go seek or a Where’s Waldo thingy, though.”
“No, Ken, I was INTENTIONALLY missing,” Waldo can’t find a way to explain.
“Oh. You’re suicidal?” Kaze’s (gay ass) stupid looking smile fades into a frown. The waterworks are about to begin. Waldo can only manage to produce a look of bewilderment. A sort of, “What the fuck is this moronic imbecile speaking of?” expression. “George’s death has been hard on me, too.”
With sadness for his friend, Waldo tries to help Ken feel a bit better. “Cheer up. I know George will be okay. And listen, I’m NOT suicidal, L-O-L! I’m INTENTIONALLY missing because people are trying to pin me for a shot at my belt!” Waldo stresses trying to get his point through Kaze’s head. “Sometimes your brain is running on a three-hundred megahertz processor, Kenneth! L-O-L!!”
Thinking he understands the joke, Ken adds, “YEAH! Sometimes all my philosophizizing mega hurts my brain! Three hundred and eleventeen times over!” Before Waldo can sigh in disappointment, a racket starts up.
“COME ON, GEEK! SHOW YOURSELF!” is heard being yelled from down the hallway in which the bathroom is.
“O-M-G! They’re still looking for me!” Waldo springs up to his feet and heads toward the door, but Kaze grabs a hold of his arm.
“Who’s looking for you? What’s going on Waldo? Is someone trying to hurt you? I’ll beat them up for you! I hate bullies. Especially bullies produced from the Marine Corporation!”
“Look, like I said, it’s a Where’s Waldo match. Whoever finds and pins me gets a shot at my shiny pants holder upper, L-O-L!”
Kaze smacks Waldo and knocks him to the ground. He jumps on top of him and counts to three.
“Yayzerz, Waldo! I WON!” Kaze helps Waldo back up to his feet and parades around the bathroom like an idiot – not unusual, if I may say so myself. As Waldo shakes his head, he yells at Kaze.
“NO! Only people BOOKED in the match can win. O-M-G, that hurt like crazypaste Ken!” By now, Ken is paying no attention as he dances around. A woman walks in to use the bathroom, and she sees Kaze prancing around. A loud scream rings out as she runs from the bathroom.
“HE MUST BE IN THERE! I’VE NEVER HEARD A WOMAN SCREAM LIKE THAT EXCEPT FOR AFTER THEY SEE WALDO’S FACE! COME ON PETTIE!” Jonathan is still leading the hunt on the geek. Ken hears this and stops dancing.
“Waldo how come you scare ladies with your face? Isn’t that kind of mean?” Ken turns to look at Waldo, but the geek is gone. He spins around toward the bathroom door and sees it swing shut. With a laugh, he runs for the door and flings it open. A loud thud is heard and Pettie falls to the ground, knocking Jonathan over, too. Noticing the resistance, Kaze peeks around the door to see the man in the panda suit on his back.
“OH NO!!! I KILLED A KOALA BEAR!” Too afraid of the consequences, Ken runs off at full speed.
