BestLilChathouse29
By Ken Kaze/Waldo “L33TD00D” Furkenzbaum
Ken Kaze is seen walking down a very important-looking hallway, looking intently at the instructions Waldo had handed him earlier. Now, how can a hallway look important you ask? Got me. Just sounded good. It sort of differentiates it from all of those other lame backstage corridor hallways. Oh, maybe the fact that this hallway is actually carpeted helps, too, huh? Anyway, Kaze stops at the first door he reaches in the hallway, which is on his right. He doesn’t take the time to read the name on the door and quickly opens the door up, storming inside.
Without knowing the realm he has just entered, he glances around only to see an old man dressed in bondage dominator attire. He turns around from the woman he was whipping, who is reduced to nothing but a thong, and shouts at Kaze.
"GET THE FUCK OUT!"
"Uh… sorry. Didn’t know this was a private extreme Pokemon role-playing room. By the way… you make a very hot Charmander… uh, sir."
The old man throws a book at Kaze as he steps out the door at the last second, slamming the door shut. "Damn crazed Pokemaniacs! I’ll report them to Waldo for that. Throwing a book HAS to be illegal in the role-playing tournaments!"
Kaze ventures on down the hallway and comes across another door, once again on his right. Hesitantly, he grabs the knob and opens it up stepping inside. He glances around to find an ordinary office with a desk set in a corner with a computer.
"Perfect… I think. I believe that’s a compooter. Oh well, I’ll have to try and see what I can do." Kaze walks up to the computer and slaps the monitor screen instantly.
"Hey! You! Wake up! Turn yourself on and teach me how to speak in code!"
Silence.
"HEY, BASTID! I SAID WAKE UP! I COMMAND YOU, IN THE NAME OF GEORGE…"
The piece of paper in Kaze’s hand slips out and falls to the floor. He bends over instantly to retrieve, and begins reading it right away. "Step one… press the button." Kaze stares intently at the monitor screen for a moment, ignoring the processing unit right beside it. He searches it high and low and presses a square-shaped button. Nothing happens. He presses it once more. Nothing.
"Stupid bastid! Why won’t you turn on for me?!" Kaze glances back at the instructions from Waldo once more. "Press the button… that is circly and makes the computer box think. OH! Now I get it! The circly button!"
Kaze once again glances at the monitor, now looking for a "circly" button. Not seeing any circle-shaped button on the monitor, he begins to get frustrated. Glancing over at the processor right beside the monitor, he notices a "circly" button. He presses it. Hearing a BEEP! almost instantly startles Kaze as he jumps back, standing in a fighting position.
"DON’T YOU CURSE ME C-THREE-P-O!"
Calming down after the beeping noise disappears, Kaze glances at his instructions once more.
"Step 2... lay down on the floor for five minutes while the computer gets ready to think super hard. Sounds easy enough. Plus, I think I deserve a break for learning how to turn this bad boy on. I’m sure me and Wally are the only two geniuses in this world that know how to properly run a campeter."
Kaze lays down on the ground as the computer boots up. Listening to its many noises that it emits in the booting process, Kaze ponders in his head what exactly is the computer saying, as it is still "code speak" to him. He finally gets back up to his feet and looks at the instructions.
"Okay… says to use this thingy next to the keyboard…" Kaze somehow identifies the keyboard and grabs a hold of the mouse. "…and click the triangle thingy on the TV screen here… with the left button twice." He follows the orders without actually having any problems -- that’s a first. A box pops up asking for the username in a blank field. Dumbfounded, Kaze instantly clicks sign on. Another box pops up and says: "Error: Illegal Operation."
"HOLY MOLEY! THE COPS ARE COMING AFTER ME! NOOOOO, I DIDN’T COMMIT ANY CRIMES! I SWEAR! ALL I DID WAS WHAT WALDO TOLD ME TO DO!" Kaze begins to sob in fear that he may be hauled off to prison to become Bubba’s new bitch. "Wait, Waldo might’ve said something about this." Glancing at the instructions, "Select the word GUEST and then click SIGN ON, in that order. Ooooh, dummy me."
Kaze slaps himself on the forehead and performs the correct action this time. "Now where it says username, press the boxes with letters on them in this order…" Kaze successfully types in "L33TD00D" into the username field and then "ROGUESBOOBS" into the password field. "Using the thingy beside the keyboard, click the chat button and type in these letter boxes in this order…" Kaze successfully types in "BestLilChathouse29." However, it takes him fourteen eternities for him to finish his typing, checking to make sure he doesn’t make a mistake. Eventually an AOL chat room pops up.
** You have entered BestLilChathouse29.
derrick1234444: hey evrybodyz im 15/m/tx/pic in pro
Robcv14: nick2xhick4u a/s/l
Reddannos1: im 16
WhiteyThunder: hey my peepz... b0w d0wn , LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!111oneone
eet Mor turkEe: i r god, ph34r 4 i r E-L33T
WhiteyThunder: hey foolz …. any drag0n masterz in the h0uze?
Kaze marvels the monitor screen as it is the first time he has experienced the technology of a computer before. All of a sudden, another box pops up on the monitor surprising Kaze at first. It is a separate private message window.
LukeSkyh4x3r: hey l33td00d, zup
L33TD00D: wut duz o m g meen ??
LukeSkyh4x3r: ROFLROLF!!1111111111 ur so crazy . n3w4yz, did u s33 the new tr41ler for xmen movie?! r0gu3 is UGLY!! the cart00nz way h0tt3r, w00t!
L33TD00D: wut duz awl dat kowd speec meen ??
L33TD00D: ken u plees stawp speeceng en kode
L33TD00D: iy du not uhndastend ??
L33TD00D: ken u tell mee wut l o l meen ??
LukeSkyh4x3r: oops. s0rry i typoed. meant to do "ROFLROFLROL!!!!" but accidentelly let g0 of the sh1ft key so all those 1's showed up. 1ts n0t binary code... woops!!! but sp33king of which... ch3ck this out 0101010100011 ... thats a computer joke about fat girls!!!
L33TD00D: hello r u even therE ??
LukeSkyh4x3r: what? 0h, i forg0t u l1k3 fat chix. sorrz
L33TD00D: ples tell me what is l o l
LukeSkyh4x3r: l o l? looks like pong
L33TD00D: hey is dis jorrrge ??
LukeSkyh4x3r: wtf r u talkin bout
L33TD00D: jorrrrge u wutchin wall doe ok ??
LukeSkyh4x3r: w8... UR WATCHIN WALDO!? SO U H4X3D HIS NAME?!
L33TD00D: ken u plees dyrect me to thuh kode speeceng whizerd ??
L33TD00D: STAWP SPEECENG KODE
L33TD00D: YI DUNT UHNDASTEND
L33TD00D: TELL ME WUT DIS KODE MEENSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
LukeSkyh4x3r: U STOLE HIS PASSCODE TO HIS NAME, U FIGURE IT OUT LAMER!!
LukeSkyh4x3r: u g1v4 AOL H4x3rz a bad name... IM GOING TO MESS U UP IF U DONT SIGN OFF IMMEDIATELY.. NO... BETTER YET... TURN OFF THE COMPUTER OR IM GOING TO FRY IT
L33TD00D: NUUUU DU NOOT PUT EET ON A STOWVE OR A GREEL
L33TD00D: DU NUT BERN EET
L33TD00D: EET DEED NT DU N E THENG TU YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
L33TD00D: YI JUS WUNTID TU LIRN KODE SPEEC
L33TD00D: DAT IZ AWL
LukeSkyh4x3r: u think ur s0 funny. list3n up PAL.. WALDO is going to KICK YOUR ASS once h3 f1nds 0ut that u h4x3d his name
L33TD00D: NU, I R FREND UV WALL DOE
L33TD00D: HE IZ MI BUTTY
LukeSkyh4x3r: hmmm LOL really?!
LukeSkyh4x3r: i thought u haxed him
L33TD00D: NU HE SINT ME TU YPU TO LIRN KODE SPEEC
L33TD00D: HE SED U KUD HELP ME
LukeSkyh4x3r: o u wanna l3rn h0w to code?! c00l!!!! but hey, my moms making me go 33t dinner. talk to u l8r waldoz pal
L33TD00D: NUUUUU KUM BAK
L33TD00D: bi bi
And with that, Kaze stares the monitor vacantly. Still not getting the answer to his questions, he begins to take his aggression out onto the computer.
"C-Three-P-O, YOU tell me of this code speaking language. Tell me, what does O-M-G and L-O-L and the rest of that stuff mean, anyhow?"
Silence.
"Listen here, you piece of sheet. Don’t mess with me. I have that nerd Wally world on my side, as well as the Great George. If I wanted to… I could have you destroyed with the snap of a finger… or… two. So I suggest you… ANSWER ME!!" he screams at the top of his lungs, grasping and shaking the computer monitor. "GIVE ME ANSWERS DAMMIT, OR I WILL DESTROY YOU! I SWEAR I WILL!"
Through with talking, Kaze picks up the monitor and slams it against the wall as fragments from both the monitor glass and the plastic box from which it was contained fly everywhere. He finishes up the assault with a couple of stomps before spitting onto the fragmented monitor screen.
"I don’t think we’ll be seeing a return of you in Star Trek, now will we?!"
Kaze turns around and storms toward the door, frustrated because he still doesn’t have a grasp of this "code speak." That's when he sees the TV. George is sitting in the middle of the ring against the GARGAMONSTER. Without a moment's delay, Kaze is gone.
