Thank You
By Waldo “L33TD00D” Furkenzbaum ft. Ken Kaze
Tip-toeing around the backstage area of the arena, Waldo looks for the one known as Ken Kaze. Why is he looking for Ken? And why the hell is he tip-toeing? It’s simple, really. Last week, Waldo was entered into the US Invitational Battle Royal. Truthfully, Waldo pleaded to be taken out of the match. He went to Yoder to have himself removed, but the nerd was shown no respect when asking for the boss. Secretaries, lackeys, and even the janitor (who has mysteriously quit his job after a “trash can incident”) ignored him last week when he asked to see the man upstairs.
So, when he found out that Ken had taken his place in the affair tonight, he wanted to find him and thank him. Waldo simply assumed that Ken had done it out of the goodness of his heart. Waldo was in for a surprise…
Oh, and of course, he was tip-toeing because he’s Waldo. What more needs to be said? The guy will piss his pants if he runs into anything resembling a wrestler. Plus, he’s afraid of bumping into that Paranoia guy again.
With his arms and back flat against the wall, Waldo creeps down the hallway toward the locker room where Ken is supposedly preparing for his match. As he nears the door, he hears screaming from inside.
“GEORGE!! I CAN’T SEE MY FACE?! IS IT GONE???” The neurotic scream reaches Waldo’s ears, and the geek quickly turns to run away. Upon changing direction, Waldo sees three large wrestlers minding their own business – walking down the hall. He can’t make out who they are, but he knows he is in trouble.
“Ohhhh, pokéshit!” Amazingly, Waldo did not piss his pants. In fact, he had avoided drinking liquids for the past twenty eight hours to avoid this result. With another about-face, Waldo sees three more large wrestlers approaching from the other end of the hall. With no choice, Waldo opts to trust the man who was so unknowingly kind to him. Quickly, he throws open the locker room door and slams it shut. Ken simply looks over at Waldo.
“CAN YOU SEE MY FACE?!” Ken is in hysterics.
Waldo yelps and tries to open the door to escape, but can’t get it open. “O-M-G! HELP!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!” His screams go unheard except by Ken - who immediately tries to fix the situation. Assuming that Waldo is crying for help with the door, Ken hurries to the door and tries to help Waldo with it. Upon hearing Ken’s footsteps, Waldo dodges out of the way and hides under a bench.
“WOW! THAT’S SOME DOOR, GEORGE~!! I’ll teach you to pick on people smaller than you!” With this, Ken kicks the door off its hinges. This isn’t enough, however, as he jumps on top of it. With fists of fury, Ken chips pieces of wood off into the air. Confused, Waldo peeks his head out the doorway to see Ken beating the living hell out of something, though he can’t see what. He assumes it is the six wrestlers who were cornering him, and that Ken has once again saved his life.
Meanwhile, Ken stands up and begins stomping on the glass part of the door. The six puny sound technicians, now in the middle of the hallway, find themselves being pelted with stray pieces of glass and wood. Screaming, they run down the hallways to avoid the madman and his carnage.
Upon hearing this, Waldo assumes the six “giant wrestlers” have been beaten beyond repair and have run away. Crawling out from under the bench, he moves toward the doorway on his hands and knees. When he finds Ken, he is heaving over the wooden door. Both men stand up and look at each other.
“What happened to the door?” Waldo eyes the remains of what looks more like an old campfire site than a door.
“I think it broke. I forgot. We could ask George~?!” Ken lightly pushes Waldo out of the way and picks up his trash can hero. “George~? What happened to the door?” He listens for a second, and then responds, “George says you broke it.”
Completely and utterly at a loss for words, Waldo can only think of one thing to say. “Who are you talking to?”
“George.”
“Where is he?”
“George says you’re not very good at eye-sight if you wear those giant glass-goggles and can’t see him.”
Waldo looks around the room curiously. “I can’t hear George, either?!” Waldo begins to get very upset, and he pulls an emergency Batman Q-Tip from his pocket. He begins gouging his ear holes to clean out the sound wave blocking earwax.
“STOP MUTILATING YOURSELF!!!” Ken hurries to Waldo and grabs the Batman Q-Tip from Waldo’s hand, luckily still snow-white. He snaps the Q-Tip in half and stomps on it. “Why are you hurting yourself?! George~! says it’s normal to not see or hear him.” Ken leans into Waldo as the geek winces in fear. Ken whispers, “George~! is crazy.”
Ken moves away from Waldo and smiles at him. Then, confused, he demands answers. “What do you want with me? WAIT A MINUTE… GEORGE~!? IT’S GARGAMEL IN DISGUISE!!!” Ken picks up George and bashes Waldo across the face with the powerful trash can.
Falling to the floor, Waldo seems to be unconscious. “Uh oh, George~! I don’t think that was the Gargamonster.” He listens for a second. “WHY WOULD I GIVE HIM PNEUMONIA?! YOU’RE CRAZY SOMETIMES GEORGE~! WAIT. I KNOW WHAT TO DO!!” Ken goes band-aid hunting. A first-aid kit sits in a spare locker, and Ken grabs it. Having trouble opening the kit, Ken begins to shake it. Still, it won’t open. So he launches it into the wall, and the contents fly around the room. “I knew there was a trick to opening it! I have a brain like a dinosaurs! Huge!”
Sorting through the pile of supplies, Ken picks out a band-aid and what George tells him is ammonia. “Okay, George~! But if you’re wrong and he gets a cold, we’re in trouble!!!” After randomly applying the band-aid to Waldo’s face, he starts to open Waldo’s mouth to put the ammonia in there.
“WHAT NOW GEORGE~?! IF I DON’T ACT FAST HE COULD DIE!!” Listening to reason, Ken hesitantly agrees with George’s wishes, “OKAY!! I’ll try his nose first!”
Upon waving the ammonia in front of Waldo’s nose, the geek immediately comes to. Ken jumps up in delight, while Waldo sits in confusion. Unaware of what has happened in the past few minutes, Waldo looks up at Kaze celebrating. Kaze feels like a genius.
“Thanks a lot, nerd! You don’t know what this means to me and George~!” Ken helps Waldo up, as the geek believes Ken is thanking him for giving him his spot in the tournament.
“No, L-O-L, thank you! You saved my life! You’re elite, Ken! I think George is great, too!” Waldo wasn’t really sure who George was, but with his short-term memory jumbled, he just went with the flow. Upon hearing this, however, Ken feels even better that someone appreciates George as he does. “What happened, by the way? I can’t remember.”
“I don’t know. George knows, but hey we made a friendship!” With this, Waldo almost breaks into tears. A friend?! He can’t believe his ears. To avoid crying in front of Ken (especially as the hardcore champion), he turns around and runs out the door.
“Gee, George~! Did you see his pants? He must have fallen in some mud! I’ll find it and mop it up!!!” Of course, Waldo had shit his pants from his earlier fright. Regardless, Ken looks around for a mop to clean up the “dangerous” mud. “GEORGE~!? WHERE’S THE MUD??”
