The Quest for the Gargano
By Ken Kaze
“John Garagreeno, huh?”
The all-too familiar voice of NOWrestling’s resident moron echoes throughout the corridors. Ken Kaze glances down at the one he worships who he is literally dragging across the floor, George.
“What do you mean it’s not Gorgiono? You know what, you’re just a fucking trashcan! What do you know, huh? You think you’re going to sit here and educate me on the pronounc… prononciat… the pronunification on words when you have a speech impedimentiation-thingy yourself!”
Kaze sets George down and places his hands on his hips. He looks intently at George whilst making different facial gestures; it seems as if George is replying to him.
“British accent? Oh, so now you’re making up words, huh?! No one knows what the fuck a British accent is! We could buy a plane ticket right now, fly all the way to Merriam, the capital of Dictionary, and ask the Prime Minister Webster if he has ever made up such a word, and he would laugh in our faces before beheading us of our stupidness. George, I know I’m not the sharpest knife in the crayon box, but come on.. British accent? I’m not that stupid.”
Kaze shakes his head as he grabs a hold of George and begins pacing down the corridor once more.
“So where do you think we’ll find the Green Gano? Supposedly, I’m supposed to grapple with it tonight. Sounds like some sort of rabid beast. A foul fiend of some sort. It could get messy in there, George,” says Kaze as he releases a fake sob. “You might have to stay back here tonight and watch me slay down this terrible creature through a monitor.”
Kaze ends his little crying act and approaches a backstage technician.
“Um, excuse me,” says Kaze trying to get the man’s attention.
“Yes?” the technician replies as he turns around to face Kaze. He begins to eye Kaze up and down fully, and then switches his eyes to George.
“Um… do you think you could help me…” Kaze trails off as he notices the man eyeing George up and down. “Calm your fucking hormones, you raging homo sack of homos! Do not place your eyes upon the Holy One, George!”
Looking befuddled, the technician replies, “Um… I’m not gay, sir. I was just… glancing at your trashcan there… wait, did you call him George?”
Giving Kaze a once-over… for a second time, a wide smile comes across the technician’s face.
“OH MY GOD! YOU’RE KEN KAZE! AND THAT’S GEORGE! I’M LIKE… SUCH A BIG FAN!”
“You’re a fan? What the fuck? No you’re not, you imcomputented fool! You’re a backstage electechnican being! You don’t have wings poking out your sides covered in dust spinning in the air. You’re a person that works backstage and does… things. I would name those things, but…” Kaze trails off into a whisper grabbing the technician by his shirt collar, pulling him in closer, “the things that one does backstage are sacred, I hear.”
Kaze is still holding onto the confused technician’s collar. Kaze begins to breathe heavily in the technician’s face. Obviously due to the cringed face of the technician, Kaze’s breath isn’t the greatest thing in the world at the moment. The technician begins reaching into his back pocket trying to pull something out. Kaze quickly releases the hold on the technician and pushes him away, jumping up whilst grasping George.
“What are you doing, you evil villain? Do you wish death upon me? I should’ve known! You’ve been plotting my death since the first time you laid eyes on me. I know what you’re doing, you’re reaching behind you to grab your evil magnus death ray of doom to discombobulate me into millions of millions of tiny matter so you can sweep me up and throw me away! I should’ve KNOWN you weren’t an electechnician backstage being… YOU’RE AN ALIEN! Take this, evil doing alien bad guy thingy! HIIIII-YA!”
Kaze brings George down across the head of the technician. Immediately the technician collapses to the ground grasping his head.
“Oh! So you’re a tough alien, huh? George must strike you twice to bring you down, I see! FASHOOKAAAA-LAAAAAAA!”
And with that obscene, annoying noise emitted from the voice box of Kaze, he brings George down across the technician’s head once more. This time the technician is no longer moving. With a job well done, Kaze brushes his hands together and approaches a door.
“Jan… Eater’s… Close… E.T. Hmm… must be some super old, secret, ancient, grandfather code. It has to mean something! I have a feeling once I decipher this code, I will find the whereabouts, the whoabouts, the whenabouts, and the other abouts of this John Leguizamo! He wants to battle me in the ring tonight? Then I will surely destroy this spawn of Satan. Wait a minute! Close E.T. That alien I just destroyed… he’s close by… and he’s probably E.T.! But what about Jan Eat… oh my greatness! He ate Jan! So that close E.T. ate Jan! I can’t believe he performed such a vicious and vile attack. I guess it’s a good thing you destroyed him George.”
Kaze enters the Janitor’s Closet and shuts the door behind him.
“Kind of dark in here. It’s also kind small in here… OW! George, don’t poke me in the butt! That hurt. Let’s discuss how we can find this evil Gorgano creature secretly in here.”
Silence.
“Hehehe, this is fun.”
