Elephants Smoke Trees

Characters: Ken Kaze & George the Trashcan

Fresh off of his victorious title defense against Mark Pearson, the Ambassador Champion, Ken Kaze, was dragging his companion George the Trashcan behind him, striding towards the exit of the Nationwide Arena. The Ambassador Championship itself was securely fastened around his neck, the bulk of the title belt resting upon his chest. Over his left shoulder was an Adidas sports gym bag. Obviously the Hero of Hardcore was making an early departure for the night.

As he parted through a set of double doors into the arena’s parking garage, he scanned the vicinity appropriately. After apparently spotting the proper vehicle, he continued his pace toward a set of dumpsters.

“Well, George,” Kaze sighed as he neared the dumpsters, “looks like we’re home. Time for a good night sleep, eh?” He eerily paused for a moment, as his facial expression suggested he was horrorstruck. “I – I can’t believe it, George! I’m turning – turning Canuck!” he said in shock, fumbling with his words. “AAAHHHHHH! NOOOO!”

“Calm the freak down, moron,” a brisk British voice demanded. “You’re not turning into a damn maple leaf.”

“Sorry George,” Kaze said apologetically, looking down upon his best friend, who happened to be donning a belligerent look. “I’m going c[BEEP!]knuts tonight for some reason!”

An alarmed shrill voice pleading for help broke the still air. “HHHHEEEEELLLPPPPP! SOMEONE! PPPLLLEEEASSSEEE HHHEEEELLLPPPP MMMMMEEEE!”

Ken dropped both his gym bag and George almost immediately. He turned around to see a frightful woman running up to him.

“George! What is she doing?! This is like that movie Attack of the Bloody Tampons where those tampon-zombies invade the world and try to eat everyone they see! Including . . .” He trailed off in order to release a gasp. “Including trashcans!”

The frightened woman had finally approached Kaze, doubled over before him, seemingly breathless from the running she was doing.

“Kaze? Are you Ken Kaze?” she managed to say in between breaths.

“Uh . . . I think so,” the Ambassador Champion replied, ostensibly confused.

“I need your help. Please, please, please help me!”

“Okay, okay. Calm down for a second, lady. What do you need help with?”

“It’s my pet elephant, Ernie. His name is Ernie. You see . . .” The woman broke off with her story as if she herself couldn’t believe what she was about to say. “Ernie’s stuck in a tree.” She attempted to judge the natural look of confusion present on Kaze’s face. “Yes, my pet elephant is stuck in a tree,” she repeated.

The Ambassador of Absentmindedness glanced at George. “Well then, let’s go! LET’S GO SAVE ERNIE!” He clutched George into his hands. “NOW LISTEN HERE, BITCH!” he screamed at the woman. “TAKE US TO ERNIE!”

Taken aback from the obvious insult, the woman hesitated to speak. “He’s inside the arena. Follow me!” The lady then began to jog back towards the double doors Ken had departed through just moments prior.

“DON’T WORRY, SIR ELEPHANT! GEORGE AND KAZE ARE HERE TO SAVE THE DAY! HERE WE COME, EEEERRRRNNNIIIIEEEEEEE!” And with that, Kaze chased after the woman as she led him through the double doors, down a corridor, around a corner, and down a flight of stairs.

Eventually they came to a hallway that had never once seen the light of day. The shadows’ superiority shielded the rays of light from the sun, reflecting them elsewhere. At the end of the hall was a door. The woman entered.

“Is this where Ernie’s at?” Kaze queried as he slowly followed the woman into the dark room.

“Um . . .” The woman stuttered awkwardly, as if she were expecting something horrible to happen. Perhaps she was afraid for her own life. “I . . . think . . . so . . .”

SLAM!

As Kaze completely entered the room, the door slammed shut behind him instantly, as if a gust of wind produced by an unforeseen force had just invaded the dense room.

“Yes, Kaze,” an unknown voice said. “This is where Ernie’s at.”

“Who – Who’s there? And where’s Ernie, damnit? I’m supposed to save him!”

“I think you’ll be the one who’ll need the saving!”

As if on cue, the lights flickered on inside of the room. Standing just behind Kaze, leaning against the door, was none other than . . . Todd Sparrow! Clutched in his hands was a folded steel chair.

You know what came next.

CRACK!

The piercing thud across the Hero of Hardcore’s cranium resonated throughout the room. The Ambassador Champion dropped George to the ground almost immediately before falling to the concrete floor himself. Sparrow released his grasp on the steel chair and allowed it to clang against the ground. He stepped over the Ambassador Champion, doubled over until he was in Ken’s face, pried apart the Champion’s jaws, and spewed directly into Kaze’s mouth.

“Last week, I clearly stated that ‘you would see.’ I guess I was wrong, because you sure as Hell didn’t see this coming, did you? Huh?! Did you, you f[BEEP!]king retard?! I told you I’d start off with your little piece of gold. Alas, I was actually wrong. As tonight, I’ll be claiming your pal’s pieces – yes, that’s plural – of gold in the Triple Crown Championships. Then, I’ll be claiming your piece.”

Sparrow looked up at the woman, whom was now cowering in a corner of the room furthest from Todd. He reached into his pockets before revealing a thick wad of cash.

“Here’s your pay, wench.” And with that statement, Sparrow forced the bundle of dollar bills toward the woman. Unfortunately for the lady, there was nothing to keep the money bound together. And thus every single bill flew into the air, leaving her to scamper across the floor, collecting her payoff as Sparrow exited the room.