Winner Takes George? YEAH~!
Characters: Ken Kaze & Polar
As the lights entirely disappeared throughout Dunkin Donuts Centre, an alarming and anticipating calm overwhelmed the fans in attendance. The RaveTron flickered rapidly, unnerving the audience even more until it finally secured itself onto a screen of snowy static, accompanied by the piercing screech static usually tends to produce. Pyrotechnics rocketed skyward in random assortments of green, white, and yellow as the squealing was quickly replaced by the sounds of Static-X’s “Structural Defect.”
The illumination of the arena had returned as the crowd broke into a chorus of cheers. Emerging from the curtains was Jolt’s Resident Moron . . . the Hero of Hardcore . . . the self-proclaimed Mastermind of the Piledriver . . . Ken Kaze. Despite his customary entrance, he did not bother to feed off of the crowd’s ovation. He ignored the flailing hands outstretched from the barriers hoping they could go home knowing they felt the flesh of a Jolt superstar. He vaulted onto the apron before handspring-somersaulting over the top rope with aid from the rope itself.
He created a perfect circle with his endless roundabout journey in the center of the ring. As he finally rooted himself in place, he stood facing the fans, as well as the commentating team consisting of Damien Lee and Mike Mixx.
“BLAH! SOMEONE ASSASSINATE THIS RETARD ALREADY! HE’S WASTING PRECIOUS AIR TIME!” Mixx was heard yelling at the top of his lungs, obviously not delighted at the Hardcore Retard’s entrance.
Seemingly out of nowhere, Ken raised a microphone to his lips as his music faded from existence. Obliging to the gesture, the horde of Jolt fans settled down.
“You know,” Kaze started, “having your best friend kidnapped in the midst of an ambushed attack isn’t exactly the greatest thing in the world.”
“Well, no s[BEEP!]t Sherlock. I could’ve told you that one,” Mixx exclaimed, adding his input.
“The man’s just making a point, Mike,” Lee defended.
“Thank you, Watson, I could’ve told you that one as well,” Mixx retorted cleverly.
“And hiring a metal beam for an assassin isn’t exactly the smartest thing you’ve done. Personally, anti-Semitic supernatural sodomizing spoons work better.”
The crowd looked on in confusion at the statements emitted from Ken Kaze.
“BUT NONETHELESS, your attempts to manipulate and belittle me have failed miserably, you retarded sack of Harry Potter underwear! Trying to take my life is one thing. But kidnapping my friend is the last thing —”
The lights dropped. From the entryway, blue lasers pierced the darkness, followed closely by the sound of blowing wind and thick fog. As the sound of the wind becomes mute, the public announce system explodes with:
If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you, son. I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one!
The Collision Course remix of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” and Linkin Park’s “One Step Closer” blasted as pyrotechnics rocketed to the ceiling. The crowd roared to life as the Iceman, Polar, appeared in the entryway with two middle-fingers saluting the upper-deck, much to Broadcast TV’s concern. Jeers rained down onto the 6’5” monster as Jolt's most-hated star made his way ringside, snubbing the outstretched hands of fans who were still desperate to touch any Jolt superstar.
He entered the ring via the ringside steps and stepping over the top rope. With microphone already in hand, Polar stepped face-to-face with Ken Kaze. Actually, since the Hero of Hardcore is vertically challenged in comparison to the Iceman, it was more along the lines of face-to-chest. As the two commenced into a stare down contest, the crowd erupted in approval in hopes of instigating a battle. Both men were fuming. Both men were serious. Both men wanted to rip each apart.
However, rather than give the thousands in attendance what they wanted . . . Polar raised the microphone to his mouth.
“Kaze, you f[BEEP!]king moron. I wanna go ahead and settle something straight with you now, before this gets escalated further into something I have nothing to do with,” he said. “I didn’t steal your piece of s[BEEP!]t trashcan!”
The expected boos surfaced throughout the arena at the blatant insult to George the Trashcan.
“I have no clue as to what the hell you’re talking about! All this crap about me trying to kill you? Me hiring a metal beam? A METAL BEAM?!”
The Alaskan Assassin towered over Kaze like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
“I DON’T TALK TO INANIMATE OBJECTS LIKE AN IDIOT SUCH AS YOURSELF, KAZE!” Polar was more enraged than before. “Plus, you’re the one trying to kill me, you crazy f[BEEP!]k! AND IF YOU SPRAYPAINT ON MY WALL ONE MORE TIME, I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF!”
One microphone lowered as another elevated.
“Polar, you act like you’re hot s[BEEP!]t around here, homie. You ain’t hot s[BEEP!]t. Hell, you aint even cold s[BEEP!]t. You ain’t even s[BEEP!]t at all. YOU’RE PEEEEEEEEE!”
Jolt’s Resident Moron cackled aloud as he poked Polar in the chest, amused at the amazing joke he had made. Amazing in his own mind, of course.
“But if you didn’t take George, then who did?”
Kaze returned to his solemn demeanor. Polar glanced around the arena a bit before shaking his head, followed by a shrug.
“You know who did it. Don’t lie to me you prick. You stole George. YOU F[BEEP!]KIN’ STOLE HIM! AND I WANT HIM BACK! I SWEAR TO BOB ALL THE WAY DOWN TO NATHAN IN HELL, IF YOU DON’T RETURN GEORGE TO ME . . . I’LL – I’LL – I WILL – er – I’ll tell my mommy on you!”
Realizing this had no affect except a simple laugh from Polar, Ken responded with, “AND USE THE PUPPY DOG EYES!”
He cringed his face, forming what he calls “puppy dog eyes.” It looked more like the swollen rear end of a hippopotamus after being hammered by the horn of a rhinoceros every day for six years.
“You’re an idiot,” snapped Polar before dropping his microphone.
His fists were clenched and his face was intense red. He began to raise one of those fists, looking to strike Ken until the crowd’s reaction of cheers interrupted him. He noticed that the fans in attendance, Mike Mixx and Damien Lee, as well as Kaze were all gawking at the RaveTron. Confused, he executed an about face to recognize . . .
“AMERICAN HERO III!” Lee shouted, announcing his infringement live via satellite.
“HOLY F[BEEP!]KIN’ CHRIST! IT’S LIKE, TOTALLY ZORDON, DUDE!” Kaze shouted, amazed that he was seeing the legendary Zordon from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Or, at least, it was Zordon in his mind.
“Polar . . . don’t do that,” stammered Jolt’s CEO, American Hero III. “Before you take . . . a swing at Kaze . . . I would like to . . . make an announcement.”
The crowd popped, pondering what the announcement could be about.
“Over the past couple . . . of weeks . . . you two . . . have had quite a . . . rivalry going on . . . You two have . . . had your problems . . . with each other . . . You both have . . . been looking to . . . one-up the other . . . I’m going to . . . give you both . . . the official chance . . . to one-up the other . . . This Sunday . . . March 20th . . . at the Retort . . .”
Cheers from the audience interrupted the CEO; however, he continued forward with his announcement.
“Both of you . . . will be involved . . . in a no disqualification match . . . with a very . . . special stipulation included . . . The winner of . . . this No DQ match . . . will also take home . . . none other than . . . Ken’s beloved friend . . . George the Trashcan.”
The cheers intensified at the official announcement.
“This Sunday, Mike! Live on pay per view. Polar vs. Ken Kaze in a Winner Takes George match, with no disqualification rules in effect. This match won’t be for the weak at heart, that’s for sure,” commentated Lee.
“Whether or not . . . you actually have . . . the trashcan, Polar . . . you’ll be liable . . . for its appearance . . . at the Retort . . . If you win . . . it shall not matter . . . However, if you are . . . defeated by Kaze . . . then you will . . . be held accountable . . . Thank you all . . . for your time.”
American Hero III vanished from the RaveTron as the crowd roared into a frenzy. Polar slid out of the ring, infuriated, ready to beat the CEO down for holding him responsible for a matter he had no part of. The scene parted into a commercial break as Polar exited ringside into the backstage area, leaving Ken expressionless inside the squared circle.
