Shhhh! Be Vewy, Vewy Quiet
Written by Ken Kaze featuring Dawson James, Kenjiro Ito, Geo Vacton, & Everyone’s Favorite Trashcan, George
The crowd gave out a huge pop as Jolt’s now widely recognized resident moron, Ken Kaze, appeared on the RaveTron. He bent over the water fountain dividing the two gender specific bathrooms in the John-Labatt Centre in London, Ontario. As he sipped down some of the sprouting water, staff officials could be seen pacing throughout the backstage corridors. Additional Jolt superstars were seen passing by as well.
“You got a smudge there, pretty boy,” Ken Kaze sneered as he turned around from the water fountain to see Dawson James walk by.
“Huh—what?!” The aforementioned pretty boy quickly reached into his coat pocket to pull out a mirror and exclaimed, “Where?!” He continued on his way as he relentlessly looked for the smudge of make-up that Kaze was referring to.
“Haha. And people call me an idiot! Eh, George?” Ken looked down at his companion, George, and slapped him on his “back,” in the, “Lighten up, dude,” kind of way.
He executed an about face in true military fashion (thanks to all those high school years spent as a JROTC geek) and bent over the water fountain once more. Apparently, the moron had his face too close to the fountain because as he pushed in the button, water squirted him in the face.
“What the FLUCK is your problem, homie?!” Ken shouted menacingly. “What the fluck’s up now?!” He reached behind him to grasp George into the palm of his hands; however, he accidentally closed his grip onto one of George’s protruding nails. “Oooowwww, you fool! Oooowwwwieeeeeee! Mommy! MOOOOMMMYYYY! I – WANT – MY – MOMMY!” He began hopping around on one foot as the other foot was clenched in his hands.
Apparently, George made some sort of remark to him (in his own miniscule, demented mind of his, of course) that must have been along the lines of, “Why are you holding your foot when it was your hand that was pierced? You feebleminded jackass!” The reason being was because Kaze had made his own remark (that was, in essence, a retort to George), “Don’t call me a jackass, George! I’m just placing my foot against my hand for pressure. Ya know – to stop the bleeding! Mommy told me it always works to apply pressure to an open wound, dummypants!” If George’s head was not one in the same as his body (and was not inanimate, I might add), he probably would have shook it in pitiful disappointment.
Meanwhile, Kenjiro Ito had passed by as well. Ken had just lost his balance and fell into a pile of stacked crates causing them to come crashing down on top of him. Kenjiro, in unknowing tribute to George, simply shook his head in pitiful disappointment at Kaze’s antics.
“George! Help me out, assbrain!”
“Whoa, dude!” a familiar voice had sounded. “Are you all right?” The camera had revealed the owner of the voice to be none other than Geo Vacton. Ironic how he continues to show up when Ken is in need of help, huh?
“Yeah, yeah. Does it LOOK like I’m all right?” Ken retorted furiously. “I’m only being gangraped by a bunch of sadistic nasty ass crates who claim to have had sex with each of my mother’s orifices and were lucky enough to not catch crabs!”
“Your mom has crabs?!” Geo’s face turned pale as a shocked expression had overwhelmed his face. He quickly patted his pants to check “himself.” He fondled around a bit before sighing and smiling a tad.
“No! It’s called a joke! G – O – K – Y – JELLY! JOKE!”
“Whoa, whoa, calm your horses, man. I’m just tryin’ to help.” It wasn’t until after Vacton had replied before he realized what Kaze had just said. He decided to shrug it off with a shake of his head and reached into the heap of crates, heaving. He relinquished Ken from his position as the foundation of the mountain of crates. “Hoooo, Kaze, dude. It’s you! You’re always getting into it with everything!”
Now realizing whom exactly had helped him, Ken apologized. “Oh, dude, I’m like, so totally sorry, dude. I didn’t mean to shout at you like that, dude. I had no idea it was you!” He paused. “Dude!” he added.
Looking at him bewildered, Geo replied, “It’s all right, nothin’ to worry about. I’ll just be on my way now. Later, man. Try to stay safe this time.” He began to walk away, but an outstretched hand pulled him back.
“Why the hurry, partnuh?”
Geo shrugged, looking back at Ken.
“George says he doesn’t know either. And he’s so close to being God, it’s not even funny!” Contradicting his own statement, Kaze laughed moronically while bending backwards facing the ceiling, with his hands clasped on his stomach.
Geo was perplexed; he stared and gave Kaze an, “I don’t know you,” type of look.
“Anyway, man, I gotta favor to ask.” Ken slid one arm around Geo’s shoulders and grabbed George with his free hand.
Ken made both men do a one hundred eighty degree turn, and began to walk in the same direction of which Geo previously came from. Pss, psss, psssss, was all that could be heard being whispered as the two men and trashcan disappeared off camera.
