Hardcore
Match
Ken
Kaze vs. Wippit Guud
The
following match was definitely going to be a match to see. Two of Jolt
Wrestling’s top comedic faces among the roster were scheduled to wage war in a
hardcore rules, one on one match.
Hardcore
matches had always been Ken Kaze’s natural environment. And Wippit Guud proved
at One Night In: Winnipeg he could take it to the extreme as well.
Both
men were looking for the win in tonight’s hardcore contest with their own
goals in mind. Ken’s objective was to prove he still contained the same amount
of ruthlessness he once possessed when he was in his hardcore wrestling
prime. Wippit’s intent was not only to prove he could go toe to toe in
hardcore matches, but to redeem himself of his loss to the current Ambassador
Champion, Kenjiro Ito, at last week’s pay per view extravaganza.
The
illumination within the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, New
Jersey had vanished without a trace. The crowd became overwhelmed with
excitement in anticipation for the following contest between two of the most
over wrestlers in Jolt. Who would they root for?
“Doomsday
Jesus” by Black Label Society blared throughout the arena to a resounding
chorus of cheers from the seventeen thousand, ten person crowd. As the Hero of
Hardcore strolled through the curtains, his faithful companion, George the
Trashcan, was visibly clenched in his left hand, as was the infamous pink
vibrator in his right hand. Golden yellow and white pyrotechnics erupted from
the stage as emerald green strobe lights pierced the sea of darkness amongst the
arena.
As
he neared ringside, Ken threw George over the top rope and slid the dildo under
the bottom rope into the ring. He rolled into the ring himself before playing to
the crowd as he ran from turnbuckle to turnbuckle.
The
lights had returned as Black Label Society’s “Doomsday Jesus” faded into
“Thoughtless” by Korn. The crowd broke into a humungous uproar of jubilation
that rivaled their reaction to Jolt’s Resident Moron. From behind the curtain
came Wippit Guud, who seemed to have a bemused expression on his face. He took
about five steps down the ramp before executing an about face, disappearing
behind the curtains. The audience’s cheers began to dissipate as a slight
round of jeers could be heard.
Inside
of the ring, Ken Kaze was befuddled just as well. He even approached Jolt
Wrestling Official Jared Alexx about the situation, but he shrugged in
confusion, too.
Everything
seemed to make sense thirty seconds later, however, as a familiar entrance theme
once more filled the ears of the crowd. “Raise a Little Hell” by Trooper
began to play throughout the speakers of the public announce system, as Wippit
Guud once more returned to the stage, this time with a more satisfied expression
on his face. Apparently he had had enough of Korn, and decided to return to his
original music. The crowd was once again cheering as Guud made his way to
ringside, slapping hands on the way.
He
wasted no time as he vaulted onto the ring apron, turning to face the crowd.
With his arms outstretched, adrenaline pumping, Guud was ready to commence
battle. He moonsaulted over the top rope into the ring and faced his opponent
for the first time tonight. Referee Jared Alexx checked with both men to make
sure they were ready. Both men gave the nod and the match was underway.
DING!
DING! DING!
The
two lightweights began to circle each other before locking up with a
collar-and-elbow tie-up in the center of the ring. As both men jockeyed for
control, Ken Kaze, being the bigger and more powerful of the two, forced Wippit
Guud into the ropes. Rather than going for the predictable Irish whip, he lifted
a knee into the gut of Wippit causing him to double over. A standing
headscissors later, and Guud found himself in the air resting upon the shoulders
of Kaze. Not for long, though, as Ken slammed Wip to the canvas with a sit-out
powerbomb.
Instantly,
Ken was up on his feet and was already approaching George, looking to maintain
his early advantage. Guud was on his feet as Ken reached George, but it was only
for a matter of seconds as he had been leveled by the trashcan. Another
George-shot to the sternum was efficient enough for Ken, as he laid George
across his opponent before taking to the top rope.
The
Hero of Hardcore spread his arms wide before taking to the skies as he connected
with a beautiful frog splash onto the Canadian native, sandwiching George in
between. The protruding nails and coats of barbed wire from George ripped at the
flesh of both men, the wounds visible upon their chests. Ken rolled around on
the canvas as Wip rolled to the outside. Kaze brought himself up to his feet
with use of the ropes, as Guud was aided to a vertical base from the ring apron.
Jolt’s
Resident Moron had taken to a brisk jog toward his foe. He aimlessly dove in
between the top and middle ropes, crashing headfirst into his opposition’s
back. The suicide dive had taken both men out once again. Wip was holding onto
his back as Ken pulled himself up with use of the barricade. As Guud finally
made it to his feet, he swung wildly with his right arm hoping to land a
clothesline, but it was to no avail. Kaze had ducked it and caught his rival
with a Russian leg sweep into the guardrail. Only, Ken wasn’t smart enough to
release the hold, and thus he crashed back first into the guardrail as well.
For
the third time of the match, both men were on the ground. However, Wip decided
to waste little time on the ground this time and was up on his feet in a hurry,
ignoring the nagging pain in his back. He approached Clippie Da Clown and the
timekeeper and immediately hijacked the timekeeper’s seat. Guud strolled back
toward Kaze, who was back to his feet. As if he was the Great Bambino himself,
Wippit swung recklessly looking for the homerun. However, it was a swing and a
miss – strike one, if you will – for Guud as Ken ducked and caught Guud in
the stomach with a boot, causing him to drop the chair.
Swiveling
to his enemy’s backside, Ken latched in a full nelson. He powered his opponent
into the air, hoping to slam him face first into the steel chair, but the
Canadian gymnast was able to roll through Ken’s full nelson facebuster.
Naturally, this was a roll up pin, and Jared Alexx was there to make the count.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout!
Both men raised to their feet, and realized they were back to square one.
Instantly, Ken reached out to clasp onto Guud’s right wrist, and he did. He
yanked as hard as he could on Wippit’s arm. As Guud stumbled into Ken’s
reach, he was decapitated with a vicious short-armed clothesline. Fortunately
for the Canadian, he was a gymnast. And gymnasts know how to flip. And thus, Wip
was able to land onto his feet behind Ken. Unfortunately for the Hero of
Hardcore, he had not expected Guud to land onto his feet. And thus, a chair shot
to the head was enough to bring him down to the ground.
Wip
relinquished the chair and approached the ring. Without delay, he began to
search underneath the ring for more items to add to the match. He pulled out a
table and a ladder and ended his search promptly. The table was the first to be
setup. The ladder was placed on top of the table. And a superkick to the back of
the head sent Wip face first into his recent creation.
Ken
began to nail Guud with a flurry of Fist of Iron punches, rocking the
gymnast’s head back and forth. Ken latched onto Wip with a front facelock and
lifted him into the air. It seemed as if Kaze was looking for a vertical suplex,
but instead he dropped Guud gut first atop the ladder and table. Ken
acknowledged the opportunity at hand and rolled into the ring, grabbing a hold
of George. The Hero of Hardcore found himself on the top turnbuckle once more.
With
an annoying yell, Ken had clenched his fate as he leapt from the turnbuckle,
rotating four hundred fifty degrees in the air. If he was to land this maneuver,
the match could already be over. As Ken’s rotating body neared Wippit’s
prone body, Ken hugged George tightly to his chest, ready to endure the sudden
impact he was about to receive. And a sudden impact he received as he connected
with a 450 splash – TO THE LADDER!
At
the last second, Guud rolled off of the ladder to the ground as Ken had
sandwiched George for the second time of the night between himself and the
ladder. Ken remained motionless, resting on top of the ladder in the same
position Wippit was in moments ago.
Things
weren’t looking good for Kaze as Wippit had entered the ring and began to
bounce off of the ropes. As he raced toward the set of ropes nearest Ken, he
stepped up from the second rope onto the top rope, springboarding off with a
shooting star press!
HOLY
SHIT!
HOLY
SHIT!
HOLY
SHIT!
Wippit
had connected! The table had finally collapsed under the amount of force from
the impact as both men’s bodies flopped onto the ground.
WIP-PIT!
WIP-PIT!
WIP-PIT!
KEN
KAZE!
KEN
KAZE!
KEN
KAZE!
The
fans in attendance were divided between who they should root for. Neither man
seemed as if they were going to move anytime soon. Until, at last, Wippit’s
arm raised into the air as he began to collect himself together. He found
himself on all fours and decided to search underneath the ring once more. He
pulled out a four foot long metal pipe.
As
Ken crawled toward the barricade to pull himself up, Wippit approached him. He
swung with precise aim (unlike his attempt with the chair) at Ken’s midsection
and connected, doubling the crazed moron over. Guud raised the pipe into the
air, ready to deliver a fatal blow to the spine, but it was blocked as Ken had
shielded himself with George. George folded in half quickly, as he was only made
of aluminum, but he was enough to prevent Ken’s spinal column from being
dismembered. A simple dent-remover repair job later would fix him up.
Ken
threw George to the side as he began to walk up the ramp way, Wippit in hot
pursuit. As Ken made it to top of the ramp, Wip swung once more, but Kaze ducked
it and rolled underneath Wip’s legs. Popping up from behind with a rear
waistlock, Ken had dumped Guud on his head with a German suplex. The metal pipe
rolled out of his hands to the center of the stage.
Kaze
lifted Wip up to his feet. Both men began to go blow for blow, hoping to
overcome the other. Right punch from Kaze; right punch from Wip. Right hook from
Kaze; right hook from Wip. With every punch Kaze threw, Wip echoed. Until at
last, both men decided to go for the knockout punch in a devastating twin series
of Fist of Iron punches! Both men nailed each other in the jaw with the
straight, right-handed closed fist punch. Both men began to reel until they
stumbled to opposite ends of the stage.
Wippit
was feeling woozy from the last blow he had received at the hands of Ken. As he
pushed himself up to his feet, he turned around to see Kaze at the opposite end
of the stage, on all fours. Kaze was facing him. Both of their eyes met for a
split second until their eyes locked onto the equalizer that was the metal pipe,
stationed dead center between the two. In an instant, Ken had popped up to his
feet and began charging for the weapon. Wip had done the same.
As
both men raced for the weapon, only one thought crossed through their minds:
Whoever was to get a hold of the pipe would undoubtedly become the victor of
this match. The match had started out brutal, with both men taking vicious
blows. The match hadn’t even ran its course to be a long match and they were
already feeling the effects of their suicidal tactics.
Ken
was in the lead to begin with as he had the jumpstart, but Wip had caught up and
was almost at the pipe. Ken sped up to insure that it was going to be him to
grab a hold of the pipe to clench this victory. However, Guud retorted with a
boost of his own. It was too late now. Guud was going to get there first. Kaze
knew this and cursed himself inside of his head. Wip would be the first to the
pipe, and he was going to smash Ken’s head in until his brains leaked out.
With
a last, desperation maneuver, Ken took a dive for the pipe, hoping by some
miracle from God he would land on the pipe before Wip. It didn’t even matter
now if he had the chance to use it. As long as Guud couldn’t use it on him,
he’d have a chance to win this match another way.
However,
Wippit took notice to Ken’s dive and leapt headfirst himself. It was going to
be he who got there first.
But,
somehow, someway . . . neither man never made it. As both men dove headfirst
toward the metal pipe, their heads collided together. The amount of momentum
behind the two wrestlers was enough to render them both useless, as their eyes
rolled into the back of their heads and their bodies crashed with a thud.
Both
wrestlers had clearly knocked themselves out. Jared Alexx had no idea what to do
in this situation. This was a hardcore rules match. Therefore, no one could be
counted out. But neither man fidgeted a bit, and it didn’t seem like they
would for a long time to come.
The
only thing Alexx could do was call it a draw.
Winner:
No Contest (Ken Kaze and Wippit Guud knocked each other out simultaneously with
diving headbutts)
Time:
15:45