Tag Team Handicap Match
Team KAMI/Kaze vs. The Ninja Brigade & Polar
“Silicon World” by Eiffel 65 blared through the P.A. system as the lights slowly dimmed. Hand springing from the back and into your FACE, BEEEOTCH was the Roppongi Romeo himself, Love! Love! KAMIKAZE!!! The fans were on their feet hollering as loudly as humanly possible. As he ran from side-to-side of the aisle, another figure emerged from behind. It was the Kazernator Extremeth, Jolt Wrestling’s Resident Moron – Ken Kaze! Of course, he was accompanied by his faithful companion, George the trashcan! He pumped George high into the air as the intensity of the cheers heightened.
Kamikaze stopped and handed his headband to a female fan at the end of the ramp way. However, a tall obese man with mustard and ketchup stained all over his plain white T-shirt snatched it from the lucky female fan and grinned. He ran his finger across the numbers on the inside and winked as Kamikaze stumbled backwards toward the ring, a disgusted and horrified expression on his face. He turned around and walked around the edge of the squared circle slapping some more hands. He leapt to the apron and turned around, playing to the crowd. He performed a picture perfect moonsault over the top rope and paced around the ring.
Kaze had walked over to the announce table and stood beside Damien Lee and Mike Mixx.
“I wonder what this idiot wants,” commented Mixx as he rolled his eyes.
“George – you sit here. I want you to commentate on my match for me with Spike Lee and Da Man Chex Mix, okay? Okay.” Ken had set George atop a steel chair beside the two commentators before rolling into the ring, discussing ideas with his partner.
The Kung Fu Fighting Techno Remix resounded throughout the arena as the dimmed lights were now as bright as the sun. The jeers were all ready there, as if the fans had been waiting for this chance. From the back surfaced the man who loves to beat dat ass, the Bronx Native himself, the Back Alley Brawler, followed by his partner in crime Mittens T. Cat, guitar by his side. The Brawler made a beeline for the ring, not acknowledging the audience’s insults at all. Mittens T. Cat strummed his guitar as a couple of kids from the audience began to chant his name. Apparently, the kids had a thing for huge furry animals.
Mittens quickly ended this charade, however, when he threatened to bash one of the kids’ brains in with his guitar. This lead to more jeers, of course, and Mittens seemed rather pleased with what he had just accomplished. Which wasn’t actually anything at all. Halfway down the ramp, he did an about face only to watch four obese scantily clad women make their way from the curtain. Mittens waved them on down before turning back around and entering the ring.
One member of the audience knew one of Mittens’ hos on a personal basis, it seemed, as a voice shouted at, “MARTHA?!” The source of the voice seemed to have come from the same obese man who had stolen Kamikaze’s headband earlier. The ho whom was just addressed quickly replied, “EARL?! WHAT’RE YOU DOIN’ HERE?!”
“I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS?!” He examined the rest of the women surrounding Martha. Blank facial expression. “Oh.” Blink.
As four of the five men were in the ring, “If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you, son. I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain’t one!” was heard over the P.A. system as Linkin Park’s and Jay-Z’s rendition of “99 Problems” and “One Step Closer” intertwined followed. Pyrotechnics burst into the air as the Iceman, Polar made his way from backstage to a chorus of boos that had not yet quieted down. One guy carried a sign that read, “Nash = Global Warming, Polar = Uh.. dead?” until Polar got his paws around it and ripped it in two. He flipped the audience member off before sliding into the ring.
The Jolt Wrestling Official for this match was none other than Mr. Go Ahead, Hit Me – I’m Prone to Being Knocked Out for Long Periods of Time . . . Jared Alexx. He signaled for the bell to ring as the match was underway.
UNTOUCHABLE
The word flashed across the RaveTron as the lights dimmed in the arena. The now almost-silent jeers promptly transformed into a ruckus of cheers as “Counterfeit God” by Black Label Society could be heard. This was obviously to the distaste of Polar as he began to go frantic inside of the ring. Mittens and the Brawler didn’t look too pleased themselves. Hell, even Team KAMI/Kaze looked surprised! Who in their right mind would team with them? Well, apparently Carson Nash would, but you catch my drift . . . right?
Nash slowly stepped out from behind the curtain. He looked tired, but it was obvious he was out with a purpose. The microphone in his hand was raised up to his mouth as Black Label Society died down.
“Now, you see, I have no clue who Team KAMI/Kaze are . . . or who those other idiots in the ring are. But there is one thing I know. I should be this company’s God damned champion. And I would be if you, Polar, didn’t decide you wanted to go and piss me off. But now that it’s done, Polar, I can spend my time focusing on how the hell I want to end your career.
“So tell me, Polar, how do you want it over? Do you want me to break your skull? Do you want me to embarrass you so badly you’ll never want to be seen on national television again?
“Never mind. I don’t care what you think.” Nash dropped the microphone with a *THUMP* and charged at the ring. He slid into the ring and immediately rushed Polar. Ken Kaze and Love!Love! KAMIKAZE!!! had followed suit and had attacked the Back Alley Brawler and Mittens T. Cat, respectively.
Jared Alexx stepped in to impose order and managed to herd all the wrestlers back to their respective corners save Love!Love! KAMIKAZE!!! and Mittens T. Cat. The pair looked around, realized they were the only men in the ring, and rebounded off opposite ropes. They met in the center with matching dropkicks, kipped up, responded with dropkicks once more, and then rolled back to standing positions. Mittens then kicked his opponent in the crotch and absorbed the crowd’s abuse.
Mittens sauntered back to his corner, as Kamikaze rolled around in agony. He reached out of the ropes and was handed a foreign object by one of his valets. He held it to the sky – a shining six stringed guitar! Alexx tried to hold him back but the power of ELLLLLLLL KABONG~! would not be denied. Kamikaze managed to tag in Kaze, who promptly jumped out of the ring. Mittens swung the guitar with a shout of “ELLLLLLLL KABONNG!” but Kamikaze was able to dodge. The attempted ELLLLLL KABONGing continued until Kaze returned proudly bearing a familiar barbed wire-wrapped trash can in the form of his trusty companion . . . George. George and Kabong stared at each other (there were eyes drawn on the guitar). Kaze and Mittens circled one another. The foreign objects glinted in the house lights. Alexx finally managed to pry the guitar from the Cat’s grasp and with guitar in hand, convinced Kaze to hand over George the trashcan.
Kaze complied just as his knees gave way. As Jolt Official Jared Alexx was confiscating George, Mittens had nailed a puzzay punch to the puss! Mittens followed it up with an elbow drop to the back of Kaze’s head. The Cat was up to his feet stalking his prey, as if Kaze was a bird or something. As the Hardcore Retard stood he slowly became reacquainted with the mat courtesy of a moonsault dropkick to the back of the head.
Mittens charged a corner and climbed the ropes like a Stairmaster before leaping into the air with a moonsault . . . to the mat! Thanks to that costume, it absorbed some of the impact which allowed Mittens to recover quickly. However, Kaze had all ready charged the corner and had all ready leapt off the middle turnbuckle. Mittens was caught with a moonsault, but Kaze landed on his feet hooking the Cat in a reverse DDT. The crowd loved this as Kaze somersaulted in the air, still hooking Mittens’ head and executed a perfect Diamond Cutter.
Ken was up to his feet and charged the Back Alley Brawler. He nailed a swift right to the jaw of the Brawler, as the Bronx native attempted to come in. Alexx was there to maintain order, though. It was too late, unfortunately, as Love!Love! KAMIKAZE!!! was already on the top rope shouting, “Who wants to see me telegraph my next big move?” He performed a stunning twisting senton splash onto Mittens before rolling out of the ring as Alexx focused on the two legal men once more.
Kaze walked over to Mittens only to receive a *KIKZUFACE!* special! Which is, of course, your nicely done low blow maneuver. Mittens was up now and DDTed Ken to the mat. He then made the tag to the Brawler.
“What time is it? IT’S WHOOP DAT ASS TIME!”
Back Alley Brawler stalked over Kaze and lifted him to his feet. He caught him with a nice left jab, followed by a right hook. Left, right, left, right, right, right, up, down, left, X, O, Triangle, Right, SQUARE IN THE JAW (IN THE JAW!) Ken’s head had been rocked so bad his vision had given out as he sat on the mat, propped up by the ropes.
*SMACK!*
Brutality was the Brawler’s middle name as he field goal kicked the resident moron in the face! Okay, his middle name is Alley, but . . . you get what I’m saying. The sickening smack echoed throughout the arena as Kaze’s own momma cringed, feeling that kick miles away. The Brawler helped Ken up to his feet now (a gentleman, that Brawler) before decapitating him with a clothesline from HELL~! Ken bounced off of the ropes before falling completely face first to the mat with a *THUD!*
The Brawler turned his back and played to the crowd only to receive jeers. As Jared Alexx turned his back for a split second to keep an eye on the Brawler . . .
*CLAP!*
The desperation tag was made. Carson Nash had clapped his hands together and entered the ring as Kamikaze pulled Kaze to the outside. Hey, even faces cheat, ya know? The Brawler turned around to see what the source of the clap was when he saw a big ass boot in his face! Nice superkick, Nash.
Nash now had the Brawler on his feet hooked in a half full-nelson, and sent him back down to the canvas with a slam. The pin was made. Alexx was in position.
ONE!
TWO!!
Kickout. Carson brought the Brawler to a vertical basis once more. Nash locked in a rear waist lock and . . . up and over went the Brawler toward his own corner with a release German suplex! Nash pointed to Polar to tag himself in, the Iceman complied. The crowd were on their feet was this was one of the few moments they had been waiting for.
Polar had charged Nash looking for a clothesline until he ducked and took Untouchable down with a spear! He began pummeling Nash with lefts and rights until Alexx ordered Polar to retreat. Polar complied reluctantly and awaited Carson to make his way to his feet. He did.
Collar and elbow tie up, and Nash had Polar in the ropes. Carson quickly released and nailed a forearm smash into the face of Polar. A clothesline sent Polar to the outside. Nash tagged in the Roppongi Romeo as he went to the top rope.
ONE! Polar was on his feet, but the lightweight Love!Love! KAMIKAZE!!! sent him down into the barricade with a moonsault missile dropkick! The audience loved this and showed their approval.
TWO!
THREE! Both men were on their feet and Kamikaze slid into the ring.
FOUR! Polar followed suit.
As Polar was rolling under the bottom rope, Kamikaze caught him with a kick to the head. He charged the parallel set of ropes as Polar stood up. LEG LARIAT—NO! Polar caught Kamikaze in midair and attempted to slam him down to the mat, but the Roppongi Romeo was able to use Polar’s momentum to *overslam* him, with the end result of Kamikaze covering Polar.
ONE!
Kickout. That was it as Polar launched Kamikaze into the air. Kamikaze retaliated with a hurricanrana, however, and took the big man over! The crowd popped insanely. Polar was up to his feet once more and Kamikaze now had a rear waist lock applied. Up and over went the big man as Kamikaze nailed a spectacular German suplex with the bridged pin! SIKE. Did you really think that happened? Rewind.
Kamikaze applied the rear waist lock and attempted to heave the big man over, but to no avail. Polar simply laughed before back kicking Kamikaze in the crotch (second time tonight – you know he’s not having babies!). Polar turned around picked the little man up to his feet. Headscissors. Lifted into the air and down with the powerbomb, breaking Kamikaze’s back in half!
Rather than make the cover, Polar threw Kamikaze to his respective corner and told Kaze to enter the ring because he wanted to annihilate the entire team. So, the tag was made, and Kaze was in like sin. He charged the big man and leapt into the with a cross body block and took Polar down! NOT. Polar caught him and lifted him high into the air. Polar gorilla pressed Kaze and tossed him out of the ring, Kaze clipping Nash on his way out.
ONE! Kaze hit the pretty blue mat on the outside of the ring.
TWO! Brawler is there to put the boots in.
THREE! Brawler continued to stomp on Kaze AS he was joined by Mittens. Polar rolled out of the ring.
FOUR! Mittens and Brawler lifted Kaze to his feet. Brawler placed his hand on Kaze’s chest.
FIVE! Brawler laid Kaze out utterly with the Winston Special Spinebuster as Mittens perched upon the guardrail.
SIX! Kaze laid on the floor as Back Alley Brawler made a stretching gesture with his hands.
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN! Mittens leapt off the guardrail in a Dynamite Kid-style diving head butt. Kaze seemed to be discomfited slightly, as Mittens’ oversized mascot head cushioned the impact somewhat.
ELEVEN!
TWELVE!
THIRTEEN!
FOURTEEN! Brawler punched his open palm. Mittens cart wheeled.
FIFTEEN!
SIXTEEN! Polar offered Kaze the two-finger salute and then kicked him hard in the ribs. Kaze did not react.
SEVENTEEN!
EIGHTEEN!
NINETEEN . . .
Polar climbed back into the ring and gave the audience the two-finger salute. The audience voiced their displeasure. Polar knew he had won the match on account of a count out. What a cheap way to win.
Jared Alexx stopped counting.
Polar was dumbfounded, and began shouting at the referee.
The referee indicated that Kaze had made his tag on the way out and that the legal man was behind Polar.
The man behind Polar was Carson Nash and as Polar turned, he was sent to the canvas by a brutal clothesline. Nash began stomping on the downed Polar and followed up with a leg drop.
Returning to a standing position, Nash lifted Polar to his feet and applied a gutwrench, twisting around and dropping to his knees for a tombstone piledriver.
Nash took a few seconds to get up and lifted Polar back to his feet once more and grabbed his wrists. Twisting around, they were soon back to back.
Nash grunted and managed to lift Polar up into the air in a crucifix powerbomb position, but he wobbled, his bad leg threatening to give out.
Kamikaze climbed onto the top turnbuckle, faced the crowd and launched himself into a corkscrew moonsault slamming into Polar and completing the crucifix powerbomb.
TO RUINS ACCOMPANIED BY A CORKSCREW MOONSAULT! OH, THIS ONE’S OVER, BAY-BAY!
Kamikaze rolled through as Nash made the cover. Jared Alexx started the count.
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!!
And that was the pin. Black Label Society’s “Counterfeit God” boomed over the P.A. system once more. The Ninja Brigade were still on the outside in a state of shock. Everything happened too quickly. They had no time to react to make the save. They hadn’t even realized what was going on in the ring as they were still dismantling the unconscious Ken Kaze. Back Alley Brawler reached inside the ring and pulled the Iceman out of the ring. Both Mittens and the Brawler helped Polar up the rampway.
Winners: Team KAMI/Kaze & Carson Nash via pinfall by Carson Nash using To Ruins accompanied by Love!Love! KAMIKAZE!!!’s corkscrew moonsault
Time: 14:07
