Earlier tonight, after having a run-in with Gabriel, Ken Kaze set his sights on proving to Gabriel -- more importantly, everyone -- that he was more than a joke backstage. So, it was set. A match against . . . Lolicon of all people, to prove himself? Maybe he figured a complete massacre would gain the others' respect. Plus, how often did a Candian get to see an Irish, masked, trashcan-wielding lunatic beat the hell out of a Japanese, pre-pubescent-penis-fondling pedophile? Not very often, I'd wager. "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls rejuvenated the fans as they blew the roof off of the Bell Centre with a reaction that could rival Hiroshima. And it was a good reaction at that. . . . Okay, so not really. Lolicon was booed relentlessly, but that didn't stop him from macking to the cute freckle-faced eight year old redhead in the front row. What did stop him was the boy's humungous father's fist flying at his face. Unfortunately for the world, Lolicon backstepped to avoid the collision that more than likely would have knocked him out. Before he entered the ring, he decided a nice groping of his crotch and a wink to the man's son would do well. And then the lights dimmed as a shamrock appeared in the center of the ring. Strobe lights flickered and "Legend of Zelda" by System of a Down (fuck Rabbit Joint) actually moved the fans to their feet. The Hero of Hardcore emerged to cheers from all around. As he pumped George the Trashcan into the air, green, orange, and white pyros exploded around him, matching the pump-action. Despite a valiant effort in last week's battle royale, Ken Kaze found himself falling short of victory. No, not because he was short -- he had been eliminated. However, since we all know battle royales don't count for singles contest (he would say), this technically meant his "loss" column remain unblemished, holding one victory over LLB alone. As the effects died and the lights returned, Kaze threw George over the top rope into the ring before entering himself. Smiling, he mysteriously revealed a microphone within the grasp of his hands. "Mr. Lolicon," began Kaze, clearing his throat, "on behalf of our Lord and Savior . . . Lowell" -- the crowd reacted appropriately with jeers -- "not only has he assigned me this match to destroy ye, but he has also made this a hardcore contest." THUDZZZTSDsd$%^y%&U768&^! It was a cheap tactic indeed, but the fans cheered anyway, revelling in the fact Kaze had laid Lolicon out with the microphone. The bell sounded as Kaze began to lay the boots to Lolicon, clearly stomping on his groin for good measure. "This'll teach ye to feck little boys, ye anal crusadin', fudge packin', gift givin' faggot!" An elbow drop followed shortly thereafter. Charging into the ropes, Kaze used the momentum to nail a running senton . . . onto Lolicon's gonads. The obvious strategy here was -- well, it was to destroy the pedophile's penis permanently. Back on his feet, Kaze sent a sharp soccer kick into Lolicon's face. ACW's Resident Moron seized George immediately, and began to pummel Lolicon with the nail studded, barbed wire layered trashcan. Blood began to ooze from his skin as he rolled out of the ring, avoiding the barrage of trashcan-shots. Of course, Ken motherfucking Kaze and George fuckingyourmother Trashcan weren't ready to relent on the assault. Hence why he connected with a beautiful corkscrew plancha over the top rope, sandwiching George in between both men. The crowd were on their feet, as was Kaze with help from the guardrail. Raising his hands into the air, it began to rain fists onto Lolicon's head. A knee to the face caught the Jap just beneath the chin, sending his eyes into the back of his head. Lolicon was taken completely out of his element. This wasn't a rendition of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch with Jesus Juice for all the little boys, this was a fucking hardcore match. How could a pedophile even last a second into this type of match? Lifting Lolicon up, Kaze rolled him onto the announcers' table, Lipton and Reid heard hollering in the background. Kaze placed a firm boot in Lolicon's stomach and hooked his arm for a devastating single-arm DDT THROUGH THE FUCKING TABLE! Well, not really. Even though Kaze nearly ripped Lolicon's arm out the socket with the maneuver, Kaze took more of the brunt force, temporarily disorienting him. Both men rolled off the table and onto their feet. Kaze, with no regared for his self-being, charged toward the table, jumped onto it, and leaped off with a senton bomb! However, coincidentally, Lolicon collapsed to the ground and Kaze flew into the crowd, landing onto the unforgiving concrete floor. Both men were incapacitated. It wasn't long though until the aching Elite of GEORGE-jitsu climbed to his feet and reentered ringside. He saw Lolicon resting against the apron. With a full head of steam, he charged forward and speared him into the side of the ring. Bringing Lolicon to his feet, Kaze hooked the opposite leg and lifted him into the air. Of course, everything that goes up must come down, and thus Lolicon's spine impacted upon the apron from the darkness buster. Searching under the ring, Kaze pulled out . . . a fucking ladder?! CHEEEEEEEER! Kaze slid the ladder into the ring before rolling inside the ring himself. Lolicon was stumbling on his feet. As Kaze approached him, Lolicon suddenly regained his balance, turned around, and placed a firm grip around Ken Kaze's nutsack! Testicular Claw! The fans were repulsed and so was Kaze as he screamed in pain, his nads exploding within the grasp of another man. Lolicon laughed and absorbed the heat he was receiving, for groping another male always put a little pep in his step. And a kick to his own testicles put a halt in his sexual assault. Bouncing off the ropes, Kaze levelled Lolicon with a flying clothesline. Back on his feet, Kaze was once again charging into the ropes, this time connecting with a lionsault. Surprisingly, Lolicon put his knees up! Ken rolled around on the mat, holding his chest as Lolicon stood to his feet. Looking around, he noticed the ladder inside the ring and George on the outside. He positioned the ladder in one of the corners and exited the ring to retrieve George. Throwing George over the top rope, Lolicon rolled back under. To his suprise, he found himself at the feet of a waiting Ken Kaze, George in hand. Lolicon slowly glanced up and knew that idiot was smiling underneath his mask. That's why he did the only thing he could do -- he wrapped his teeth around Kaze's groin and clinched as hard as he could. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, YE FECKING FAGGOT OF DOOOOMMMMM!" shouted Kaze, stamping his feet all over the ground. Kaze threw one punch, two punches, three punches, and the pedophile's steeth were still firmly locked on. Lolicon made his way up to his knees and formulated a plan in his head. In one swift movement, he stood up to his feet while lifting Kaze onto his shoulders, using the groin assault as an aid to lifting. Lolicon slammed Kaze down for the powerbomb, but he fell to his back as well, seemingly unconscious. The Hero of Hardcore had managed to maintain his grip onto George and bashed Lolicon's brains in on the way down. Back on his feet, Kaze had decided this match was lasting too long already. Forget toying around with the jobber. He was going to go ahead and end this now. Picking Lolicon up, Kaze Irish whipped him hard into the ropes, causing the pedophile to tumble over the ropes. Clutching George to his chest, Kaze began sprinting across the ring away from Lolicon to rebound off the ropes. Upon his return, he quickly pivoted, clearing the top rope with a backflip, and connecting with a moonsault, sandwiching George for the second time this match. The trashcan was practically flat by this point, but it didn't seem to bother Kaze as he smacked Lolicon with George once for good measure. Lolicon was back on his feet, though with the aid of Kaze. As a last desperation attempt, he threw a sloppy kick to Kaze's midsection, but his leg was caught. Dragon screw? Nope. EMERALD ISLE BOMB! In technical terms, Kaze, still holding Lolicon's legs as prisoner, lifted the Jap into the air with uranage sidewalk slam, and spinebustered the hell out of him onto the not-so-protective mat. Essentially it could be called a leg capture Rock Bottom. Of course, the match was over and Kaze could have made the pin then. But why do that when he could kill the jobber even more? Back inside the ring, he found himself positiong the ladder in the CENTER of the ring. Why the center? Only God knows why . . . Making the dreaded ascent to the top, a million images ran through Kaze's head of what he'd look like afterwards if this went wrong. Unfortunately, none of the outcomes looked too promising. But he didn't care. He had something to prove. And as he stood, balancing his weight atop that ladder, a small smile cracked his lips underneath his mask. Pointing down at the finished Lolicon, he made the leap of faith. FIVE. LEAF. CLOVER. PRESS. Motherfuckers. . . . HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! The crowd were on their fucking feet. Both men were completely incapacitated. Both men possibly suffered from broken rib injuries. And both men probably weren't going to be moving for a long, long time. . . . the fuck? Ken Kaze reached an arm out and made the cover, his hand barely touching Lolicon's chest. ONE! TWO!! THREE!!! It was over. "Legend of Zelda" by System of a Down played and the fans rocketed to their feet. Everyone's favorite moron had completely destroyed this jobber tonight. Of course, the defeat was nothing special and was expected, but Kaze still put on a fair showing against his opponent to please the crowd. And they loved it. Winner > Ken Kaze via pinfall, courtesy of Five Leaf Clover Press.