Legal Stuff 'n' such

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best
Brains Inc. all other characters and likenesses are owned by their respectable
owners. Please don't sue me! I'm poorer than dirt!

Ken's Notes: Finding a copy of "Chibiusa's 7th Birthday was the perfect setup for
what I had planned... torturing my characters with Lemons starring them! This is
part one of two. Part one is the guys, part two is the girls. I chose two characters
to torture for each part. Just be warned: If you are under 18, this is your FINAL
warning! With that out of the way, here we gooo!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last time:

Nakoruru: With that out of the way, we must plot revenge!

*Dark Shadowy Figure enters the room with a fully recovered Dan*

Dark Shadowy Figure: Is it done? Good! Then hail the SOAP! I've got the perfect plan
for revenge in mind... *Dr. Evil Laugh (tm)*

*opening song*

In the not to distant future,
(Who cares just when!)
A guy kidnaps some characters
And decides just then... (Zoinks!)

Dark Shadowy Figure: I'll send 'em cruddy fanfics!
The worst that I can find! (Dan, Nakoruru & Rezo:Lalala!)
Then we'll see how long
They keep their lil' minds (Team Rocket: Lalala!)

Now remember, even Zelgadis can't control
when the stories come.
He's just gonna take another 'zac
(... and maybe anot'r Tum!)

MST'er ROLL CALL!

Zelgadis!: (... ...!)
Krillin!: (Huba!)
Shadow!: (Don't_call me_"Squeaker"!)
Ken-Chan X!: (Wasaaabi!)
Happosai!: (Watta Haul!)
Kage Y: (Encyclopedia!)
Vaaash!: (Love and Peace!)
Liiink!: (Oh, Woofnab!)


If you're asking how they eat 'n' breathe
And, uh, other types of stuff,
Calm yourself, put down that bottle 'o' Jolt,
And kick back in the buff (eep!),
For MST Ripoff 2K!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(SOAP)

*All are present, including Shadow in his human form. Zelgadis, though, is in his
chimerical form. They are gathered around vidwindow.*

Link: So how ya doin'?

(Dark Place)

Dark Shadowy Figure: SILENCE! You managed to foil our plan last time, but we have
billions of other ways to send you fanfics! For your punishment, you will be split
up into two groups: Guys and Girls! You will be forced to watch two fanfics, EACH,
of my choosing. 

(SOAP)

Ken-Chan X: But, who'll be the ones featured? 

(Dark Place)

Dark Shadowy Figure: That is a secret! You will find out who it is when you see
them! It's guys first! Push the button, Nakoruru... NAKORURU!

Nakoruru: *in shock from last episode* Huh? OH! with pleasure, one-without-measure! 

Dark Shadowy Figure: Oh! And just to make sure you don't pull a fast one, I have
sent one of my creations... You all remember the ball I captured you all in? Meet...
FRIEZA BALL P (tm)!!

(SOAP)

*Frieza Ball P: A ball that looks like the Luna P from Sailor Moon, but with
Frieza's face on it, appears behind the group*

Frieza Ball P: Try to escape... please!

All: gulp!

*lights & klaxons*
Link: Oh, poopies! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!

*Door sequence:
Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically
Door 5: Usagi & C-ko sit on a couch watching "Touched By an Angel". You barely make
it out without drowning in the resulting tears.
Door 4: It's Lucille from Samurai Pizza Cats! Speedy and Guido run past you in a
panic, and you avoid the Macross-style onslaught of missiles.
Door 3: It's a drawbridge. It slowly opens, the rusty squeak slowly driving you
insane.
Door 2: It's Kirby! You kick him out of the way and move on.
Door 1: It's a wall! One of Lucille's stray missiles blasts an opening.
Seated left to right: Ken-Chan X, Link, Shadow, Happosai, Kage Y, Krillin, Vash, and
Zelgadis.*

>Madness takes Hold -- Rape

Link: Sounds like the title to a Slayers episode!

Zelgadis: It better NOT be!

>By Chang Wufei
>
>Please send any comments to deathscythe@earthling.net

Ken-Chan X: Do any of you have a computer virus?

>Go easy on me, it's my first Slayers lemon.

Zelgadis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

>--------------------------------------------------
>Insert standard disclaimer and lemon warning here.

Ken-Chan X: Okaaay... "I'm a sick, sick bastard without a girlfriend, so I decided
to get off by writing a disgusting fanfic starring my favorite character Then I
thought, Hey! I'll share it with the world! BWAHAHAHA! *ahem* Enjoy, and send me
lots of flames afterwards!"

Vash: Good one!

Ken-Chan X: Really?

>--------------------------------------------------

Shadow: Look out for the Pika-pi!

Krillin: Old joke, Shadow!

Shadow: It's my first time doing this, okay?!

>It was a sweltering day. In such weather Zelgadis really hated his 
stony skin.

Zelgadis: I hate it in ANY weather, baka!

>Sure, it had its advantages. He couldn't sweat. Sweat wouldn't run into his eyes,
>nor soak his shirt with perspiration.

Zelgadis: Well... that's true...

>But rock was a horrible good

Link: ummm... "You go kicky fast okay!"? "Make # 1 sexy chat!"?

>conductor of heat, and it was hell to touch the burning rocky surface of his arms
>and face. Trust Amelia to pick a day like this for travelling.

Zelgadis: Yeah! The nerve!

>He looked over to where she was skipping along, completely unaware of the heat and
>Zelgadis' discomfort.

Link: It's... TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS GIRL!

Krillin: Whaddaya MEAN I'm gonna get brutally raped? 

>She had it lucky, thought Zelgadis. With her characteristically cheerful attitude
>to everything, today was simply a walk in the forest.

Happosai: *Zelgadis* But she's WRONG! Little does she realize what I have planned!
Mwahaha!

Zelgadis: Har, har! You die, Happosai!

>The only thing on her mind at the moment was the huge meal and long bath she'd get
>once they'd caught up with Lina and Gourry, who were already at the inn.

Ken-Chan X: She's gonna need it if I think that what I think is gonna lead to...

Link: The bath or the meal?

>Still, Amelia was good company, filling in the long silences that Zelgadis allowed
>to hang in the conversation. Of course, she was still the same justice-loving
>over-the-top crazy lunatic she was when Zelgadis had first met her. But she had
>mellowed out slightly over time and was no longer a super-hyper-justice fan, but
>merely a super-justice fan, and only half as annoying.

Zelgadis: She'll NEVER change THAT much! And besides, just WHEN is this story
supposedly taking place?

>Zelgadis would be the last person to admit it, but he had come to care deeply for
>this half-demented hyperactive girl.

Shadow: Well, consider the alternative... Xelloss!

Zelgadis: Brrr... never EVER mention that name again!

Shadow: XELLOSS! *brief chase follows, resulting in Shadow sitting in back row*

>For her part, Amelia's crush on Zelgadis had abated somewhat, which he was aware
>of, but it didn't get in the way of their friendship. Her idolization of him had
>given way to something else. She knew that he'd never see her as more than a good
>friend or younger sister. Still, it didn't stop her from trying.

Ken-Chan X: *Amelia* Please be my boyfriend!

Zelgadis: No!

Ken-Chan X: *Amelia* Pleeeease?! I'll cry! 

>Something caught Amelia's eye. "Ne-e-e, Zelgadis-san!" she called. There was an
>object buried in the earth with only a rusted corner sticking out. It didn't look
>very much out of the ordinary... yet something drew her attention to it.

Ken-chan X: *Amelia* Why, it seems to be a prehistoric dildo!

>Curiously she bent down and peered at it.

Kage Y: *Amelia* Ohh! Pwetty!

>Zelgadis rubbed his sore skin and immediately regretted his action. "What is it,
>Amelia?" he groaned disinterestedly. He was too tired to go on one of Amelia's
>treasure hunts. 
>
>"Look at this!" she said. Carefully she scraped away the dirt surrounding the
>object with a stone. "Why, it's an ornament of some sort

All: *Start whistling "Jingle bells"*

>with an engraving on it... looks like a circle with a cross in the middle..."

>Zelgadis' sleepy mood was replaced by horror as a flash of recognition shot through
>him.
>
>"Don't touch that, Amelia!" He leapt towards her and 

Ken-Chan X: ... tripped.

>snatched it away before she could touch it.
>
>"Zelgadis-san, what's wrong?" Amelia said in concern, as Zelgadis drew his arm back
>to fling it away. 
>
>If Zelgadis had had time, he would have explained to Amelia that the circle
>quartered by a cross was in fact one of Rezo's attempts to make a mind-control
>device. 

Zelgadis: It was? Uh oh! I'm in trouble!

>Zelgadis had seen several of them when he'd worked for Rezo. In the end they had
>been abandoned because of some undesirable side-effects.

Kage Y: I can see where this is leading...

>But it was too late. The device had done its work. Zelgadis could only stand in
>horror as the object in his hand shot out a single flare of light and quivered, and
>the last thing he remembered was screaming to Amelia, "Run!!" before the madness
>took hold of him and darkness enveloped his mind...

Happosai: Oops! Forgot a stamp!

Ken-Chan X: *Zelgadis* Now, where's my flashlight...

>"Zelgadis-san?" repeated Amelia. "Are you all right?" She hurried towards him and
>halted when he turned upon her with threatening speed. "Zel-zelgadis-san?" She
>didn't like the abnormal glow in his eyes. 

Vash: Would anyone?

Kage Y: You're one to talk, Vash...

>"Zelgadis-san, you're scaring me..." Amelia tried to hide the tremor in her voice.

All: EARTHQUAKE!

>Zelgadis blinked once, as if trying to wrestle back control over his mind. Then the
>last flicker of sanity left him.

Zelgadis: *Crazy Man* You can lead me to water, but you can't make me drink Zima,
can you? Because I am the Antichrist, lord of late-night talk radio!! *starts
twitching*

>He drew his head back 

Krillin: ... and it fell off.

>and roared, flinging his arms about wildly. The mind-control device flew from his
>hand and rolled away unnoticed, finally coming to a stop when it bounced against a
>rock. His hands pulled crazily at his clothes in an effort to stop the pain. Shreds
>and tatters of fabric fell to the ground. He stood there, tall and fully naked,
>like an untamed beast.

Ken-Chan X: *Amelia* Oh, Zel-sama! You animal!

Zelgadis: SHUT UP, KEN!

Ken-Chan X: eep! sorry!

>Then his wild eyes saw Amelia. He leapt at her, teeth bared and hands clawed.
>Amelia screamed when he knocked her heavily to the ground, growling ferally.

Zelgadis: TOLD ya to run, didn't I?

>His clawed fingers tore at her shirt and clothes in one swipe. Thick red lines of
>blood slowly began appear along her white flesh, and soon she was reduced to
>nakedness as well.

All but Zelgadis: *nosebleeds* Whoot!

>The girl was too shocked to scream.

Vash: HEY! Who let Pikachu into this fic?

>Only when the mad chimera brought his stony twisted fingers down a second time to
>strike her did she react. 

Ken-Chan X: She screamed so high-pitched that it shattered Zelgadis. The end!

>"Fireball!" she shrieked. A ball of power formed in her right palm, and it took all
>her willpower to aim it at Zelgadis and let it go. To her horror, the fireball hit
>him in the side, fizzling and screeching like a soccer ball,

Vash: I've never heard of a soccer ball sizzling and screeching...

>but the chimera was unharmed. In fact, all it did was enrage him further. He howled
>and raised his arm, preparing to pound his fist into Amelia's face. The girl cried
>out and flinched, squeezing her eyes shut.

Zelgadis: NO! DON'T DO IT, STORY ME!

>After a while, when the blow still hadn't come, Amelia risked a quick look and
>opened her eyes.

Zelgadis: *Evil Dead Ash* Who's mind controllin' now, huh? WHO'S MIND CONTROLLIN'
NOW? ME!

>The stony clawed hand had stopped millimetres from her face, and it was spread out
>into a palm directly above her nose. The girl could smell a grainy mixture of
>sweat, blood and dust. What was he doing? she wondered fearfully. Now the fingers
>were trembling, like leaves on a stalk.

Zelgadis: Maybe I'm coming to my senses and I won't rape her...

Ken-Chan X: That's unlikely! Look at the title!

>Then, they left her view and Amelia could see Zelgadis' face. What she saw rocked
>her to the core.

Shadow: *from back of theatre* Xelloss was licking the top of Zelgadis' head!

>There was a look in the chimera's eyes, a look Amelia had seen before all too
>often -- when the four of them trashed bandits' camps, or rid the world of evil, as
>she'd put it,

Ken-chan X: Kind of like killing someone for committing murder... 

>she often noticed this wild glaze in their eyes. She saw it now in Zelgadis.

Ken-Chan X: *Zelgadis* Heh heh! I'm gonna "trash your camp", Amelia!

Zelgadis: Do you guys have something wrong with you, or do you FORGET that I'm here?

Link: Oh, come on, Zel! Lighten up!

Zelgadis: Oh, all right...

>Then the grey stony fingers reached down, and stroked her cheek. The tough was cold
>and rough, 

Ken-Chan X: *street tough* So, this woman says my skin is warm and soft... so I tell
her I use Ivory!

>not at all gentle as Amelia had often imagined it to be. The fingers were seeking,
>curious, unaccustomed to such softness and paleness.

Zelgadis: *poke poke* What's THIS mushy thing do?...

>The girl cringed and tried to escape his questioning caress, to no avail.

Ken-Chan X: Caress? Caress?

>Now, the fingers touched her lips, tracing down to her chin and along her neck,
>finally coming to rest between her breasts on her sternum. 

Kage Y: Where else would they be? On her face?

Ken-Chan X: *Zelgadis* Gee, Amelia! You eyes have really huge nipples!

>The girl felt as if she was being scratched by a rock.

Link: She is! DUH!

>Zelgadis' stone hand was quite heavy and it was getting difficult to breath. The
>look in Zelgadis' eyes shifted slightly, to one of confusion. What were these two
>soft objects on both sides of his hand?

Shadow: *Returning to his seat* As if he doesn't know!

>They were bleeding, streaked with blood. He'd done that, he had.

Krillin: Yeah, you bastard!

Shadow: Don't talk to the screen, Krillin! It's a sign of weakness!

>He spread his fingers wide, and the length of his hand span was just long enough to
>poke the two round things in their middles. Amelia watched him warily. 

Ken-Chan X: What else can she do? She's pinned down!

>Probably Amelia was expecting it to happen all along. Still, it was quite a shock
>to suddenly feel two pebbly hands clamping onto her breasts and squeezing them. She
>yelped and kicked herself away from him, but the chimera's grip was strong.
>Immediately the iron fingers closed shut and compressed tightly.

All: *clutching chests* owie! Owie! OWIE!

>The pain was unbearable, reminding Amelia of what deliquent palace boys from
>earlier years used to do to her -- they called it the 'nipple cripple.' It was one
>thing to get a nipple cripple from weak male hands, however, and another to get it
>from Zelgadis' powerful claws.

Zelgadis: I don't have claws...

>Zelgadis started to get cramps in his fingers, and he had to let go. But he was
>just starting to enjoy this game. Once the tension in his hands eased, he squeezed
>on Amelia's breasts and let go immediately. He liked to feel them give way to his
>grasp and spring back into shape quickly. Amelia didn't know whether to laugh or
>cry.

Krillin: Scream! It works for me!

>Sure, she'd dreamed of this moment for ages. She wanted to be in this position,
>she'd imagined it countless times -- 

Shadow: What? Being brutally raped?! I know of NO women who'd want that!

>Zel's hands on her, around her, in her...

All: *wince*

>but not like this, not now, not when he was...

Vash: ... Doing the Samba while dressed in pink lederhossen. 

>Amelia's breasts lost their novelty as soon as the disoriented Chimera found
>something else of interest -- the blood on his hands. Bringing his head down, he
>inhaled the scent deeply. Mmm, that smell of sweat and blood. Smelt good.

Ken-Chan X: *caveman* Mmmm! Salmon good too! Me like meat!

>Good enough to taste. Cautiously, he opened his mouth a fraction and drew his
>tongue along the girl's chest. More blood here. He wanted more. 

Link: Masochistic when your being mind-controlled, aren't we, Zel?

Zelgadis: Must be the demon part of me... 

>He opened his whole mouth and pressed his lips to her breasts so as to take in
>more. He discovered that there was another mysterious odour, not unpleasant,
>rather, vaguely thrilling, and excited something deep inside him. There was anothe
>weird feeling that what he was doing was wrong,

All: LISTEN TO IT! LISTEN TO IT!

>but he pushed that aside easily.

All: D'oh!

>Sniffing along the soft mounds to find the source of this peculiar tang, he found
>it -- it came from the red tip at the top of the mound. Without further ado he
>snapped his lips around it firmly, and sucked.

Ken-Chan X: *inventor guy* As you can see, it suck while it cuts!

Shadow: *Wayne* It certainly does suck!

>Amelia responded in a way that both aroused her and sickened her. She arched back,
>so that her chest came forward and filled Zelgadis' face. 

Zelgadis: Mmmrrmph!~<3 <3

Kage Y: Let the poor possessed man breathe!

>She had put her hands on top of his gritty shoulders, to push him away, but somehow
>she found herself holding onto them for support. 

Ken-Chan X: Smooth move, Exlax!

Krillin: Amelia, you FOOL!

>Sensing this, the chimera slid his hands roughly into the small of the girl's back,
>propping her up. This did nothing to help Amelia's apprehension.

Ken-Chan X: Naaaaaw! REALLY?

>She choked, finally finding the strength to speak. "Zel-zelgadis-san? Please? Will
>you--will you stop--ung! Stop, please! You're... ah... hurting me..." The words
>dissolved into a whimper and went ignored. She pulled her legs under her, pushing
>against the ground and his shoulders in an effort to pull herself out of his grasp,
>but lack of blood and hysteria were making her weak.

Ken-Chan X: Actually, a lack of blood would make her kinda DEAD!

>She had only stood halfway up when her knees gave way and she slithered forward
>into Zelgadis' lap. 

Zelgadis: Whoo hoo!

>Half-sitting and half-sprawling, there, in his arms, she burst into tears.
>
>Vaguely, the chimera became aware of something new, something moist. It was
>trickling down the girl's neck, but it was something transparent, unlike blood. He
>could smell that it was not sweat, and when he licked at it, it was salty. He
>looked up, and to his faint curiosity, the moistness was coming from her eyes. He
>pointed a finger to touch the falling moisture, oblivious to the girl's surprised
>blink and gasp. This moisture was sending pangs of electricity through him.

Vash: GET THAT PIKACHU OUTTA HERE!

> He began to growl softly. He did not like the thoughts these falling drops of
>liquid were giving him. 

Kage Y: What? COMPASSION?!

>He realised that there was a squishly liquid on his legs as well, but it could not
>be coming from him, since he sensed that his skin was unable to sweat or bleed. So,
>it must be coming from the girl. 

Zelgadis: Uh oh!...

Ken-Chan X: Don't tell me...

Link: She couldn't POSSIBLY...

Vash: yup!

>He brought his hand down to his lap where the girl was still sitting. Feeling his
>way up her legs, he eventually reached the girl's crotch. Amelia guessed where this
>was heading, and out of sheer desperation, put her hands between her legs to stop
>Zelgadis from advanving further. The chimera merely grabbed her wrists and held
>them to her stomach. The girl lost her balance and fell onto her back, exposing her
>abdomen helplessly. 

Vash: How... convenient!

>With his other hand, Zelgadis touched the girl's nether region. Ooh, but those lips
>were soft and tender, more tender than the girl's breasts. His tough fingernails
>scratched the girl painfully, and she cried out again. Zelgadis continued to
>explore. When his fingers accidentally brushed a sensitive little nub, Amelia
>spasmed and brought her knees together, locking the chimera's hand in place. He
>snarled and pried her legs open again with the one hand. 

All: *gawk*

>Then he felt it, that hot, searing moisture. His fingers couldn't get enough of it.
>They probed and poked and explored, each new touch eliciting a moan of horror from
>the girl. Almost by mistake, his forefinger slid into a tight wet hole. The girl
>bit her lips tightly, suppressing a scream.

Krillin: Why did she suppress it? She should scream so that if anyone is nearby,
they can help her!

>This was insane, she stammered to herself, even more so when the chimera drew his
>hand up to his mouth to taste the stuff on his fingers. He liked what he tasted.

Ken-Chan X: *Zelgadis* Mmm-mm! Finger lickin' good!

Happosai: *Zelgadis* Mmm! Chocolate pudding!

>All Amelia could do while Zelgadis speared his tongue inside of her virginal hole
>was hope that he would get tired of her and abandon her here, instead of
>experimenting more.

Ken-Chan X: *snort* Fat chance!

>She tried to concentrate on everything but the increasing tension in her crotch and
>the shame that was attacking every brain cell in her mind. She hardly noticed when
>her body reacted, seizing and rocking wildly against Zelgadis' face. 

Krillin: WARNING! WARNING!

>No such luck. Pulling away from the girl's crotch, the chimera seemed to finally
>notice the grotesque rod protruding from between his legs.

All: *Groan*

Ken-Chan X: Oh, GREAT! just what we needed!

Happosai: *Grins*
 
>He looked at it in amazement, then at Amelia's tight red opening. Zelgadis blinked.
>That moment of hesistation seemed to decide him. He crawled forward, holding the
>girl's legs apart with both hands.
>
>"NOOO!" Amelia screamed.

All: LISTEN TO HER! LISTEN TO HER!

>Then he was on her, upon her, and thrusting his rock-hard meat into her,

Ken-chan X: *Zelgadis* Hmmm... I KNEW I should have defrosted it first!

>pumping and withdrawing again, then shoving it in even harder. His erect penis was
>made of pure, stiff rock. It scraped mercilessly at the insides of Amelia's virgin
>cunt,

Krillin: Well, she isn't a virgin now, is she?!

>tearing away flesh like a bulldozer. 

Happosai: Y'know... She should be dead by now! All that pain and bleeding...

>The pain between her legs seemed to settle into a mere gentle pounding, and Amelia
>sighed. She looked up at the feral snarl etched on Zelgadis' face, and wondered why
>this was differing so much from her own fantasies.

Kage Y: The fact that she's getting raped may have something to do with it!

>A few tears, mixed with blood, rolled down her cheeks. 
>
>Zelgadis, meanwhile, continued to pound away. He was beginning to enjoy the feel of
>the tense, moist hole hugging to his dick, and didn't want to stop.

Ken-Chan X: *tense, moist hole* Awww, C'mere and give me a hug! *everyone looks at
him*

Krillin: That... was sick!

>He shot his load repeatedly, but he still wanted to go deeper, and deeper. Pressing
>his hands onto the girl's shoulders, he pushed her into the ground so as to lower
>himself further, and in doing so, brought his face down to meet hers. Their eyes
>met, hers filled with fear and shame, his devoid of any tender emotion.

Ken-Chan X: *Amelia's eyes* Nice to meet you! Please help me!

Krillin: *Zelgadis' eyes* No!

>A tear rolled down the corner of her eye, and onto the ground.
>
>Zelgadis stared.
>
>Leaning downwards, he parted his lips slightly and placed them on the corner of her
>eye, in hopes of catching another tear on his tongue. They kept coming. He pulled
>her upright in an effort to lap them all up. They spilled freely out of her eyes
>and down her cheeks, and Zelgadis tried to follow them with his tongue.

Zelgadis: Can't... keep... up!

>The tears trickled down onto her lips, and rested there. Zelgadis' mouth found its
>way there, too, and their lips met in an impromptu kiss. 

All: natch!

>He's still going to kiss me, after all this?

Zelgadis: Yeah! The NERVE of me!

>Amelia choked back her tears, finding nothing comforting nor caring in his stony
>mouth. Yet she couldn't stop herself from returning the gesture,

*Happosai lifts up a finger, a black bar covers it*

>her lips opening slightly to allow his probing tongue in, and her eyes
>half-closing. After all, she did love him.
>
>The spell broke.

Vash: Well, amen to that! 

>Tears began to roll down Zelgadis face, too. His senses came back to him slowly,
>one by one. The madness disappeared from his eyes and were replaced with sanity.
>His lips, still on Amelia's, kissed genuinely this time, and the girl could feel
>the difference. She drew back slightly, to see the chimera's horrified eyes taking
>in what had happened.
>
>"Zel-zelgadis-san...?" she whispered.
>
>A cry escaped from his mouth. "Amelia... what have I done?"

All: YOU RAPED HER!

>He took a few frightened steps back.

Ken-Chan X: ...And fell off the cliff. The end!

>"Yo, Zel! What's taking you guys so long?" called a familiar voice. "We were
>getting kinda worried about you back at the inn, and Gourry just had to come--come
>looking... for... you guys..." Lina stopped short, 

All: *giggle*

Krillin: She already IS short!

>just as she reached them. "What are you doing?" There was a strangled note in her
>voice. Amelia saw them, and smiled. 
>
>"Finally... you came..."

*Vash opens his mouth to say something, then shuts it again*

>She gave way to shock and exhaustion.
>
>Gourry just stared, speechless.

Link: *Gourry* Gee... maybe I should help her! OH! Lookit th' pretty rock!

>Zelgadis' gaze darted frantically from one person to another. "Oh, my God... Lina,
>I... what the hell... I didn't mean..." It was then that his eyes fell on the blond
>swordsman, who was drawing his sword menacingly. 

Link: His "Sword", huh?

Happosai: Are you sure he didn't just accidently pick up the stone?

>"Gourry, what... I, it was a mistake! I had no idea what I was--"
>
>"You bastard." Gourry's voice was low. "You bastard. How dare you."

Vash: You killed Kenny!

Ken-Chan X: Shut_UP, Vash! 

>"I didn't want to!" Zelgadis cried. "I didn't mean to!"

Vash: *Zelgadis* It was that darn fanfic writer's fault! HE made me do it!

>He turned in shame, stumbling over his tattered clothes, tripping over his feet as
>he ran. He wanted nothing more than to get away from their accusing looks, their
>reproving fingers.

All: Their WHAT?!

>"You're not going anywhere." Gourry stalked after him at a slow, steady but
>murderous pace.
>
>"Gourry, what are you--" Lina started after him.
>
>"Zelgadis. How dare you. How dare you."

Happosai: Sounds like his needle's stuck!

>"Gourry! Stop, for God's sake!"
>
>"She was Amelia. She trusted you. You son of a bitch! I'm gonna--"
>
>"Stop! Gourry, it's Zelgadis!" Lina ran forward and tried to stop him.
>
>"Yeah, and that's Amelia!" 
>
>To Lina's surprise, Gourry was trembling.
>
>"Forget Zel! Right now we have to help Amelia, okay?"
>
>They turned back to the unconscious girl, and wordlessly Gourry hefted her gently
>onto his shoulder.

Ken-Chan X: *Gourry* *grunt* Dammit, Amelia! You've gained weight!

>
>"C'mon, let's take her back to the inn."

Ken-Chan X: *Gourry* And do what?

Happosai: Make hot... *WHAM!* ... chocolate!

Link: *Putting away Megaton Hammer* Much better!

Ken-Chan X: How'd you do that?!

Link: I'm a male RPG character... Therefore I have malletspace!

>
>"What about--what about Zelgadis?" It was hard for Gourry to even mention his name.
>
>"We'll... worry about him later."
>
>---------------------------------
>
>END

All: YAAY!

Ken-Chan X: One more to go!

All: Awww, MAAAN!

>Author's Note: This story takes place after Link has defeated Ganondorf in the
>future

Link: what?

>and has returned to his time and grown to the age of 15. Since she never discovered
>her sage instincts within', Princess Ruto is still his fiancé and friend. 

Link: What?!

>This story is also a "Lemon"

Link: WHAT?! You don't mean me 'n' her are...

>meaning it contains adult material which is intended to be viewed by a mature
>audience.

Ken-Chan X: Well, we're as immature as they come... *All get up to leave, get
bounced back by an invisible forcefield* 

>And let me know what you think of this work by emailing me

Ken-Chan X:... Make that TWO people we have to send viruses to...

>at Gballzack@aol.com (Don't be shy with your opinions).

Ken-Chan X: YOU ARE A PERVERT!

Link: YOU SUCK!

Krillin: YOU ARE AN IDIOT!

Happosai: Can I laugh at him for being an AOLer?

Ruto's Gift

All: EWW! EEW! EEW! EEW!

By: Gballzack

Link: He most certainly is...

Gballzack@aol.com

>Link was slowly walking down the forest path enjoying the end of his day.

Link: Wow! I've gone a whole day without seeing that crazy fishgirl who thinks she's
my fiance! 

>The smell of the crisp twilight air refreshed his senses making the sun set all
>that more beautiful,

Ken-Chan X: *Link* Gee, what a beautiful... Hey! Isn't the moon a little closer than
last night?

>"Zora's River shouldn't be too far ahead, this path should lead right to it, if
>memory serves me correct."

Link: So I'll avoid it like the plague!

>Link would be glad to see his Fiancé

Link: My WHAT?!

>and her friends for a moment of relaxation called it a day,

Ken-Chan X: Dr. Thinker strikes again!

Krillin: Incoherency at its best!

>after all, fighting monsters was no easy task for a teenager.

Zelgadis: Except for, oh, I dunno... ALL the heros in RPGs and Anime!

>The dimming light of the setting sun gave the forest a romantic glow, 

Link: Damn romantic glow! *shakes fist at screen*

>highlighting the beads of glowing dust that floated through the mystic air. 

Ken-Chan X: It's the pink spores! Duck! *All duck*

>The faint sound of flowing water gave sign that Link was getting close. As he came
>around a small hill Link froze at the beautiful voice of Princess Ruto, "I'll love
>forever... in the arms of my mate..." it was Princess Ruto's song, "A Lover's
>Promise," silly title but a nice melody,

Link: true...

>she had to be close. As the young warrior made his way through the thickening
>foliage,

Link: Nothing worse than thickening foliage!

>the song grew louder and more distinct. 

All: DUH!

>Link finally reached the lush clearing humming the song to himself, "Uh? Where is
>she, this is where Ruto and her friends usually hang out." The large sparkling pool
>seemed to be completely deserted. Link gazed down the small stream that was fed by
>the pool,

Shadow: No, Link! Get away! I see danger in your future!

Link: I... Can't! It's like a car accident! I just... CAN'T look... away!...

>"Maybe..." Ruto's sweet voice confirmed it, "Oh, she's down there!"

All: TURN AWAY! TURN AWAY!

>The small stream was very narrow and enclosed with thick plants, leaving little
>room to move freely. Link slowly made his way through the maze of vines and thorns
>following her song, "Where the heck could she be?"

Vash: She's still where she was before... isn't she?

>his attention was drawn away from the narrowing path by a unique odor.

Link: *inhaling deeply* Mmmmm... Gingerbread! 

>Suddenly Link tripped falling face first down a steep waterfall,

Krillin: Killing him instantly. The end.

Link: If all the heroes from the Secret of Mana series can survive a fall, so can I!

Ken-Chan X: He's right you know...

> "Gahhhh!" The churning water tossed him back and forth under the white foam.

Happosai: The "White Foam", huh?

>Link struggled to the surface resting on the bank. "Whoa," He stared in awe

All: awwww...

>realizing he was in a totally secluded underground spring, "Wow, this place is
>huge!"
>Link turned at the sound of a gasp to see Ruto in the middle of the shallow pool
>with her hands between her legs.

All: o.0;;!

>"Link!" She was scared stiff,

Zelgadis: That wasn't the only thing that was stiff... *WHAM*

Link: *putting away Megaton Hammer* STOP IT!

Zelgadis: *nursing baseball-sized bump* Hey! You did it to me!

>"Oh! Link! Wha, what are you doing here?"

Ken-Chan X: *Link* Setting myself up for a sexual situation, it looks like...

>Link raised an eyebrow,

Vash: *Link as The Rock* If ya smeeeell... what The Rock... is cookin'!

Shadow: Smells like... cabbage!

>"Just wanted to stop by and say hi, surprised to see you out here all by yourself
>in this weird place.

Link: No weirder than anywhere else in Hyrule...

>I thought you would be back at your usual spot with your friends."
>She glanced around nervously, "Oh, I, I was just surprised to see you, that's all.
>You didn't see anything did you?"
>"A... just you singing alone," Link chuckled,

Happosai: *Link* ... and pleasuring yourself...

>"Why are you so nervous, what are you doing here? Heh, heh, heh."

Shadow: *to Link* Boy, you sure mask innuendo well, don't you?

>Ruto kept her lower torso hidden underwater, "Uh, nervous? What do you mean
>nervous?! I, I was just surprised by you, that's all!"

Vash: The fact that she's stuttering and OBVIOUSLY hiding something may have
something to do with it...

>She crossed her arms. The young man shrugged, "O... K... So you wana' go for a ride
>on Epona? 

Ken-Chan X: *Ruto, seductive* No, Link. I wanna go for a ride on YOU! *strokes
Link's cheek*

Link: ick!Ick!ICK! Get away from ME!!

Ken-Chan X: Sorry! Got too much into character!

Happosai: suuure!

>Maybe dive for rupees back at your city?

Krillin: Y'know. THAT could be taken another way!

>I hear that Bomchu game palace is up working again, hey, what is this place anyway?
>It's..."
>Ruto seemed annoyed, "It's a secret underground spring! And no, I just had planned
>on being out here by myself! Not with anyone else, a princess needs some time to
>herself you know!"
>"Sorry," Link waded further into the water, "Didn't mean to intrude, just wanted to
>hang out with you, maybe a massage will make you feel better," he placed his hands
>on her petite little shoulders and began to rub.

Happosai: ... her cli-*WHAM BAM A LOO BAM A BAM BAM BOOM!*

All: *throwing away broken spanish announcer tables and seats* PE TOIS! (shut up!)

>Ruto shrugged him off, "Do you mind?!' 
>Link noticed a strange smell, "Hey you smell that?'

Kage Y: I do believe that that is what The Rock is cookin'!

Ken-Chan X: *chubby cook* Pancakes, Rock, pancakes!

>She turned away, "Smell! Smell what? You, you're acting weird Link. 

Shadow: WHO's acting weird?!

>I just want to be alone! That's all! Ok?"

Ken-Chan X: *Ace Ventura* If I don't finish my meditation, I can get REAL cranky!

>Link grabbed her arm spinning her back towards him, "Hey Ruto, what's the matter?
>Something happen' to you today? You can tell ole' Link what's wrong."

Krillin: Run, Link! It's... *ominous voice* That Time of the Month (tm)!!

>Even in this irritated mood, Link couldn't help but be charmed by Ruto's beauty. 

Kage Y: ... seconds before Ruto bit off his head, killing him instantly. The end.

>Even though he had seen her in the future, she seemed more attractive than ever.

Vash: *Mr. McCay* Interspecies relationships are bad, mmkay?!

>Ruto forcefully broke Link's grip swatting at his face. Link playfully caught her
>hand, "Heh, heh, heh, Ruto you know better..." His gaze focused on her fingers,
>"Hey Ruto, what's this pink goo on your fingers?"

All: 0.o;;

>Her face turned white, "I, I, I..." Ruto took her hand back, "Its pond scum must've
>floated down the river."

Ken-Chan X: Suuuure it is!

>Link paused, "Uh... Pond scum..."
>Ruto turned away, "Uh... Yes, Pond scum, I... guess the river isn't a clean as it
>used to be," She took a deep breath.
>Link smiled, "Hmm... You're cute when your mad, you know that." He quietly came up
>from behind and grabbed her voluptuous breast.

Ken-Chan X: Link! You Lech!

>Ruto screamed in anguish as he viciously tickled her soft flesh, "Link! Stop it!
>Ah!" Link just smiled squeezing her breast even harder making Ruto fall to her
>knees, "Ahh! Link!"

Vash: Guess there isn't a law about sexual harassment where you're from, huh?

>Soon her cries of anger turned to giggles of joy, "Ah! Ah! Stop teasing me Link,
>let go! Heh, heh..." Her eyes met his.

Happosai: *Link's eyes* Yo!

Krillin: *Ruto's eyes* Hello!

Ken-Chan X: We've milked THIS joke for all it's worth...

Link: ... and we'll probably keep doing it!

>The Princess covered her ample breast, "Oh link, you really know how to charm a
>girl, you know that! Just grab her tits everytime you get into hot water! Huh?" 

Ken-Chan X: How come whenever I try that, I get slapped?

Shadow: Because this isn't reality.

Ken-Chan X: oh.

>Link smirked, "Well it works on you, now doesn't it?" Ruto couldn't stay mad at
>him, "Oh you! You're terrible."
>The young man wrapped his arms around gently cupping her buttox with his hands, "So
>what were you doing down here by yourself?"
>The Princess looked away, "Uh... I know! Let's play a game!"

*Ken and Vash pull out Gameboys and start a Pokemon duel*

>Link scratched his head, "OK, sure, what game?"
>"Catch me!" Ruto took off running down a dark path.

Ken-Chan X: Well, that sounds like fun! (I'll beat you, next time!)

Vash: Yep! I'd rather play THAT game! (Ha! Fat Chance!)

>The young warrior stood there stunned for a few seconds then broke into hot
>pursuit, "Hey wait up!"

Happosai: If she did that, then that would take all the fun out of trying to catch
her!

>Already she had lost his view

Shadow: uhh... "Ha Ha! What a weird!" "Want to teach you how a winner is you!"?

>and Link couldn't go very fast in the soft mud. In fact, if it wasn't for the
>strong arousing scent that seemed to follow her, Link wouldn't have any idea where
>she was.

Link: Nor would I really care!

> "Ruto? Ruto?! Come on, I'm not in the mood to play. Where are you?!"
>Suddenly the Princess jumped out of a tree landing on Link, "Hah! Gotcha'!"

Link: I thought I was supposed to catch HER?!

>Link coughed up water, "I thought I was supposed to catch you?" He noticed the
>smell was stronger than ever.
>Ruto's eyes were relaxed and affectionate, "I got lonely," slowly Her slender
>fingers ran under his shirt, "Ahhh..." 

Krillin: Suddenly, she ripped out Link's heart, killing him. The end.

>"Ruto?" Link chuckled nervously, "Uh... What's going on? I mean..."
>She smiled, "Shhhhh... Link... I want... I want you to touch my... vulva..."

All: o.0;;

>Link's face turned blue, 

Vash: She's suffocating him! *takes out his gun and starts blasting at the screen.
The holes instantly mend themselves*

Zelgadis: *reading a popup screen that appeared in front of him* hmmm... "Nice
try!... This screen... was made with pride... by the Zentraedi! Long... live...
Khyron!

"What!? Ruto I..."
The Princess took his hand, "Oh come on... You know you want to."

Link: No, I don't!

>Link gazed down towards Ruto's featureless groin, "But Ruto... Uh... There's
>nothing there... it's just..." she put her hand over his mouth.
>Ruto leaned forward licking his face, "Please?"
>Reluctantly Link complied, "Alright..." gently he cupped his hand around her plump
>vulva and firmly squeezed. Ruto spasmed with pleasure,

Vash: And died! The end.

>"Sssssss! Ah! Great! Harder... Link... harder!" In response, he squeezed harder
>feeling her soft flesh bulge and quiver. Tears spilled down Ruto's face, "Oh..."

Shadow: Nasty!

>The warm groin was now beginning to take the familiar double lipped shape of a
>human cunt.

All: OH, GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY!

Vash: Dude! That's pretty *beep*-ed up right there!

>Link ran his finger down the crease of her hardening pulp making Ruto cry with joy,
>"Ah! That feels so good!" her temperature began to rise rapidly.

Shadow: ...until she exploded like that footage of the whale being blown up.

>Link's searching finger found a small opening which seemed to expand at the touch
>of his finger.

All: *gagging*

>Ruto moaned simultaneously with her throbbing groin, "Ungh... Ungh... Ungh...
>Oh..." A strong smelling thick cream began to drip from Ruto's bluish green
>genitals, "Heh, heh... Am I wet so soon?"

Link: I'm gonna be sick! *Link goes into a back corner and throws up.*

Zelgadis: Urp! Me too! *Goes into the other back corner and throw up.*

Ken-Chan X: Uh, Gypsy! We're gonna need this cleaned up!

Vash: Who the hell is Gypsy? *Gypsy from MST3K comes and cleans up the mess* Oh. Uh,
just HOW did we manage to get her? *Ken shrugs*

>Link twirled his finger teasingly in the soft goo, "Yep."
>She opened her eyes, "What ever you're doing Link, don't stop!

Krillin: We wish you would...

Happosai: I don't!

>It feels soooo good! Oh!" Ruto clenched her fist trying to withstand the ticklish
>teasing.

Shadow: And punched in Link's face!

Ken-Chan X: What?! No "The end."?!

Shadow: Well, I figure that if they haven't listened to us so far, it won't happen.

>Sensing her vulnerability, Link gently moved his finger in a circular motion
>stretching the outline of her plump lips. Ruto could barely control herself,
>"Ahhhh! Ahhh! Aghhhh!!!!!!!"

Link: *rocking back and forth* make... the hurting... stop!... MOMMY!

>Her small female body began to quiver and shake violently, "Link, I, I, I can't
>take it! It's... Too much,

All: Neither can we! MAKE IT STOP!

>ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" Link removed his finger letting Ruto catch her breath, "Oh
>God..." she lay totally exhausted on his strong chest.
>A strong breeze swept over their sweated bodies

Krillin: I swear, this is making less and less sense!

Ken-Chan X: Anime Lemon Cliche # 23, baby!

>giving each a moment of refreshing relaxation. Link smiled, looking into the
>Princess's beautiful face, "Are you alright?"
>Ruto got on her hands and knees, "Yes, but... the game isn't over yet. I want you
>to make me scream your name..."
>Link raised an eyebrow, "Oh really."

Ken-Chan X: Gee, both Triple H AND The Rock are in this fic!

>Ruto climbed on Link's upper torso letting long strings of cum that dangled from
>her gapping vulva.

All: *gagging*

>Carefully, she positioned herself over his chest and slowly bent her knees sitting
>on his face, "Ahhhh... that's so much better, how do I smell?

Link: Gross.

>Heh, heh... now my dear... eat me."

LinK: *munch munch* Mmm! You taste like smoked salmon!

Vash: How DO you go about smoking a salmon?

Ken-Chan X: Well, first of all, it's hard to keep it lit!

All: *groan*

>Link was a bit reluctant but gently traced the opening with his tongue. Ruto
>shivered with every movement, "Ah... ah... ah... ah... ah..." Link grabbed Ruto's
>supple hips squeezing her soft buttox. With out warning he slid within her,
>splaying the mucus folds with his tongue. Ruto screamed in

Happosai: ... agony...

>ecstasy, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Link!" Ruto's thick juice was sweet and salty,

All: *pirates* Yarrrr!

>somewhat refreshing, a very unique taste indeed.

Happosai: Like new coke!

>Link moved his tongue further and further until within' until he met the
>unmistakable barrier of Ruto's virginity, her hymen. Slowly and gently, he took her
>vulva in his mouth and began to suck as hard as he could. Ruto threw herself back
>in agonizing pleasure, "God! It feels so... Ahhhhh! Ah! Ah! Ah!

All: WE GET THE POINT!

>Ah! Ah! Ah! Link!"
>Link could feel her salty juices overwhelming him and running down the sides of his
>face, "She's so wet, I can't eat her out fast enough." His searching tongue soon
>found her swollen clitoris, "There we go, found the treasure."

Ken-Chan X: How can he be saying that with a mouth full of fishgirl?

Vash: Maybe he's saying it telepathically...

Ken-Chan X: Suure... then Zelda would be able to hear him!

Link: Now, if it was her I was doing this with, I wouldn't mind so much...

>Being careful not to touch it, he circled the organ teasing Ruto's already 
>heightened senses. She broke a heavy sweat quivering more violently, "Oh! Oh! Ahhh!
>Link! Link!" Ruto grabbed her ample breast squeezing them until green juice
>drizzled out, "Ahhhhh!!!!! Fuck! Fuck me Link!" Delicately dabbing it, Link poked
>the soft clit making her scream at the top of her lungs, "God! Oh God! Link! God!
>God! God! Link!"

Shadow: Sounds like a Dick and Jane book!

Ken-Chan X: Not like any Dick and Jane book I'VE ever read!

Happosai: See Dick lick Jane! Lick, Dick! Lick! *wham*

Ken-Chan X: *discarding Rolled up Newspaper of Whacking (tm)* That ought to keep him
quiet!

>Ruto couldn't take the pleasure anymore and 'released' in his mouth,
>"Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!"
>Link gagged as the white creamy cum

Vash: I thought it was pink?

>filled his throat, "Gah! Gagh!"

Link: I'm gonna hurl!

>The Princess let out a final moan then fell to the ground unable to move,

Zelgadis: Thank God for that!

 "Oh, oh" That was wonderful..."

Link: yes, but for WHOM?!

>Link wiped the slime from his mouth and picked Ruto up in his strong arms. 

Link: *grunt* Dammit, you're heavy!

>She gently ran her fingers along the curve of his chest studying his masculine
>figure,

*Zelgadis looks at Link and snickers*

> "Oh Link..."
>He smiled, "You're quite a girl, heh, heh, heh..."
>Ruto blushed, "You, you're a wonderful man..." she pulled a long sticky string of
>cum from her aching vulva,

All: urk!

> "I never knew girls could cum... like boys..."
>Link fondly cradled her in his arms, "Was it your first time... I mean, have you
>ever..."
>The Princess wiped the sweat from her face, "Your fingers weren't the first ones to
>pleasure me,

Vash: No duh, Sherlock!

>I must shamefully admit that ever since I was the age of 8 I used to finger my self
>quite frequently. My mother always said busy fingers lead to dirty deeds, heh,
>heh...

Ken-Chan X: She was right!

>But... I've never been eaten out before... it was..." Link leaned forward kissing
>her, Ruto could taste herself on his saliva, "Mmmmm..."

Link: Anybody got a mint?

The End... Or is it?

All: *chanting* Pleaseletitbetheend! Pleaseletitbetheend!... *theatre door opens*
YAAY! *They run out*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(SOAP Control Room)

*Dark Shadowy Figure's image is on the screen*

(Dark Place)

Dark Shadowy Figure: So, how was it, my little boy band?

(SOAP)

Link: It was stupid and innane!

Zelgadis: The authors OBVIOUSLY didn't do their research! Lucky we all got through
with our insanity intact...

(Dark Place)

Dark Shadowy Figure: Amusing... your time shall come... Now it's the girls' turn!

(SOAP)
*lights & klaxons*
Lara: Oh, poopies! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!

FWOOSH!

(To be continued)

====================================================================================

episode 1: Why RPG's Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development
episode 2: Steven Gohan's letter to the GIA
episode 3: Doubleheader: The Anime Night Before Christmas and The Anime Geek Table
Squad Meet Ranma 1/2
episode 4: The Anime Fight of the Century
episode 5: Life Sucks!: A Slayers fic
episode 6: Chibiusa's 7th Birthday
episode 7: Doubleheader: Madness takes Hold -- Rape and Ruto's Gift

Quote o' the Day:
>Amelia responded in a way that both aroused her and sickened her. She arched back,
>so that her chest came forward and filled Zelgadis' face. 

Zelgadis: Mmmrrmph!~<3 <3

Kage Y: Let the poor possessed man breathe!

Oh, just a gentle reminder that my E-mail address is ken_chanx@hotmail.com! Send
Fanfics, Jokes, Quotes, notes of your undying love, Flames (uh... on second
thought...)