Legal Stuff 'n' such Mystery Science Theatre 3000 & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. all other characters and likenesses are owned by their respectable owners. Please don't sue me! I'm poorer than dirt! Ken's Notes: Okeey! Since people complained, (not really... I just decided to go back to doin' non-lemon fanfics) I did some hard searching for a (good) Trigun fanfic and, um, I found one that's okay... 'xcept the part where Vash kisses Wolfwood... and hints of something more... *cough* yaoi *cough cough* (brrrrr!) Ah, well! It's not as bad as some of the others I found! With that out of the way, here we gooo! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Last time: After trying to torture all the SOAP inhabitants with lemon fics, Dark Shadowy Figure got a call. Needless to say, it was found out that he may be the underling to someone slightly more sinister than he. Let's listen in on the conversation...) Silhouetted Figure: You have failed me! Dark Shadowy figure: I-I'm sorry! I thought they'd have cracked by now! Sihouetted Figure: I should hope so! Our Master is displeased! I will be coming over with my new henchmen to take over! Dark Shadowy Figure: NO! Anything but that! Sihouetted Figure: Oh, but I will! *Dark Shadowy Figure starts to cluck like a chicken* Until I get there, that is how you shall remain. And just to make sure, your helpers are incapacitated. *Leans forward, revealing that he's...* Legato: Let's say we nip this in the bud, hmmm? *TWANG* *opening song* In the not to distant future, (Who cares just when!) A guy kidnaps some characters And decides just then... (Zoinks!) Legato: I'll send 'em cruddy fanfics. The worst that I can find. (DSF Slime, Miko, Dan, Nakoruru & Rezo:Lalala!) Then we'll see how long They keep their lil' minds (Ganondorf, Queen Beryl, Team Rocket: Lalala!) Now remember, even Zelgadis can't control when the stories come. He's just gonna take another 'zac (... and maybe anot'r Tum!) MST'er ROLL CALL! Key!: (30,000?!) Wolfwood!: (Oh, Lordy!) Sasami!: (Ryo'ohki!) Shadow!: (Don't_call me_Squeaker!) Aaash!: (Finish him, Pikachu!) If you're asking how they eat 'n' breathe And, uh, other types of stuff, Calm yourself, put down that bottle 'o' Jolt, And kick back in the buff (eep!), For MST Ripoff 2K! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (SOAP) *A darkened room. 7 figures enter whispering* Figure #1: Shhh! Be quiet! Don't wake her! Figure #2: I know! I know! Figure #3: I'm not sure about this! Figure #1: Your NEVER sure! Figure #4: You guys are amateurs! I could steal em without them knowing it! Figure #2: Will you guys stop? Figure #5: Hey! I think I found it! what a haul! *Suddenly the light goes on. Lara's sitting up in bed with her hand on the switch.* Lara: What the heck do you think you are doing?! *All the male inhabitants are dressed in ninja garb and are trying to hide the bulging canvas sacks. Kage Y is holding a handful of panties.* All: *pointing at each other* It's his fault! Loudspeaker: All SOAP inhabitants to the control room! Lara: *sigh* Never mind... duty calls. Put them back where you found them after your done. *leaves* Link: *to Ken* Why is she so forgiving? Ken-Chan X: Beats me! Vash: I figure she's still traumatized from the last fic... by the by, have you seen Shadow? Zelgadis: Last time I saw him, he said he had other matters to attend to. Ken-chan X: Figures! Oh well. Maybe he's already in the control room! (SOAP Control room) *All but Shadow are gathered around vidwindow. Wolfwood's image is onscreen* Vash: Wolfwood?! Why are you sending us a message? Aren't you supposed to be hiding until you find a means of escape? (Dark Place) Wolfwood: That's just the thing! We're all in danger! Legato's... Legato: Well, well. THERE's the little missing prisoner. Grab him, Nakoruru! Nakoruru: *Grudgingly* Yes sir! Legato: Do I sense some rebellion? Do YOU have mind-control powers? DO YOU HAVE A HAND AS PRETTY AS MINE?! *starts petting it* (SOAP) Vash: Legato!! What are you doing there? What happened to Dark Shadowy Figure? Why do I care?! (Dark Place) Legato: Why, dear Vash, I turned him into a form more suitable... A SLIME FROM DRAGON WARRIOR! (SOAP) Vash: YOU MONSTER! Why couldn't it have been a Metaly?! Besides, I didn't know you had the ability to do that... (Dark Place) Legato: I don't. We... suddenly... had access to Jusenkyo spring water. Before you ask the predictable "How?", one of your friends picked a bad day to try and overthrow us bad guys! You may have noticed he was absent... *Team Rocket comes in with Shadow in his human form in shackles* Shadow: *thinking to himself* Next time, I'll try and resist the urge to run up and down the halls meowing like an idiot... Then they'll pay... Legato: He managed to find the frequency to transport to our hideout. He will suffer with some of my other prisoners. BUT FIRST! I will introduce my cronies. Ganondorf! Ganondorf: Hyrule WILL be mine! Legato: Queen Beryl! Miko Mido! Miko: I'm no longer a sex object, thanks to Legato! Legato: Indeed. And you already met the-slime-formally-known-as Dark Shadowy Figure. Now then, you have a break today, but DON'T think it is an act of mercy! See you later. *Transmission cut* Take them away! (Later, in a jail cell) Wolfwood: Smooth move, Exlax! Shadow: Hey! It's not as if the plan was foolproof! *A speaker in the cell crackles to life* Legato's voice: Welcome to your new jail cell! All other prisoners meet the "newbies". Get acquainted, then watch the fanfic that is being brought down by one of my henchpeople. Thank you. This is a recording *click* Shadow: His voice is so hypnotic, it's frightening... *Sasami, Ash, and Key walk out of the shadows.* Key: Will you be one of Key's 30,000 friends? Sasami: Don't mind her. she asks everyone that! Ash: She's already asked me 20 times now! Wolfwood: How'd you get here?! Ash: Well, all I remember is Misty vanishing. And me and Brock searching for her. Then I fell asleep against a tree and woke up here! What about you, Sasami? Sasami: Me and my friends were just sitting around... absolutely nothing was happening... when I suddenly found myself here. Dark Shadowy Figure told me that he had stolen our temple and converted it to a satellite or something... And you Key? Key: Key is not sure how she got here! Key is frightened! Key wants to go home! Wolfwood: uhhh... right! *Miko Mido comes up to the door to the cell* Miko: *bored* Here is your fanfic. After viewing it, you and any personal effects and pets will be transported to the SOAP. Any questions? Shadow: Yeah! What's gonna stop us from escaping? And is this another Lemon? Miko: Cattleprods attached to the door. And no, it is not. Any more questions? Wolfwood: Why are you working for Legato? Miko: Well, let's go to a quick flashback! Wolfwood: Let's not! Gotta keep this at a PG rating after all! Miko: Well, then... enjoy! Take your seats! *5 folding chairs appear and a screen slowly decends from the ceiling. They take their seats.* *seated Left to right: Shadow, Sasami, Ash, Wolfwood, Key* Wolfwood: So Shadow, you're the expert... what do we do? Shadow: Mock it. >DISCLAIMER: Trigun and its characters do not belong to me. I'm just abusing- er, >borrowing them for a while. Shadow: Don't scuff them up... >WARNING: WAFF shounen-ai in certain parts to the point of cavity inducing. Sasami: I KNEW I shouldn't have eaten all those Whoppers! Key: What's "WAFF shounen-ai"? Shadow: You don't wanna know! Wolfwood: *rocking back and forth, muttering* Pleasemakethehurtingstop! Pleasemakethehurtingstop! >I'll probably hate myself in the morning for writing this. --- All: We already do! >A Very Merry Trigun Christmas --- Ash: Isn't it a little too early for that? It's only February! Wolfwood: Just smile and nod, Ash. Just smile and nod. >"Oh, MA'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" Milly squealed Ash: Now, that just sounds WRONG! Wolfwood: Keep reading, baka! >as she examined the contents of the box on the table. Ash: *Milly* It's a red lace teddy! Thank you Ma'am! Key: Why would Milly be interested in a stuffed animal made of lace? Wolfwood: Are you THAT clueless or are you an android? Key: Yes. Wolfwood: I thought so... HUH? >Several patrons in the restaurant turned to look at her curiously, then resumed >their partying. >"You don't have to be so loud, Milly," Meryl scolded. Wolfwood: At least the Insurance girls are in character! Just hope Vash is too. >Due to the holiday season, she was wearing a green blouse and long skirt instead >of her usual insurance agent apparel. Ash: Aye, boyos! 'cause 'twas almost St. Patrick's Day! Sure an' begorah! *Wham* Shadow: *putting away Rolled-up Newspaper of Whacking(tm)* (I knew that would come in handy!) Because of you, Irish people everywhere might be insulted! Wolfwood: Besides, it made no sense. >Milly sported a full-blown Santa suit, Wolfwood: I could see that... >complete with red velvet pants, jacket, and hat trimmed with white faux fur. Sasami: *Dim Animal rights protester* Just think of all the Fauxes that had to be killed to make that hat! *sob* > "I'm glad you like the gift," Nicholas smiled. Ash: YOU gave her the red lace teddy? Wolfwood: No. Bad Ash! No treats for you! >His black suit seemed out of place among the bright outfits in the crowded >restaurant. Wolfwood: So? I just happen to LIKE my outfit! It makes me look... slim! >"I love it!" Milly giggled as she slid the bracelet on her wrist. It was a simple >silver hoop with her initials engraved on the outside. All: Cool! Sasami: I want that! > "Isn't it nice, ma'am?" > >"It would've been nicer if he had used his own money to pay for it," Meryl >grumbled, mentally subtracting the earlier "loan" from herpaycheck. Sasami: "Herpaycheck"... I've never heard of that place... >Nicholas sweatdropped. All: huh? Ash: *Coach* Sweatdrop and give me 40! >"Well, it's the thought that counts." > >"Well, if you had been *thinking*, you wouldn't have lost all your money gambling >on the train ride here," the insurance agent repliedcurtly. Wolfwood: Who or WHAT is "Repliedcurtly"? Shadow: I guess Meryl's never heard of a spell-checker >"Where's Mr. Vash?" Milly asked, sensing the growing tension between her two >friends. Wolfwood: The Satellite of Anime Peace. >"I have no idea," Meryl sighed, taking a sip from her coffee. "Probably getting >drunk at the bar and harassing some poor women like he did last time. Wolfwood: "Last time"?! Try ALL the time!! > And leaving us to pick up the tab." > >"That's terrible," Nicholas groaned sympathetically. Wolfwood: See? The story version of me agrees: This story is terrible! >"Although I recall last time, you were drinking and harassingalong with him." Wolfwood: Wasn't me! Key: Meryl needs to learn how to use the spacebar. >"Gee, Vash has been gone a really long time. I'd better go look for him," Nicholas >said hurriedly as he leaped up from the table and scrambled outside. >"Men," Meryl scoffed Sasami: Yeah! Isn't that right, Key? Key: What?! Key is not sure she understands. Sasami: *sigh* Never mind. >as she leaned her chin against the palm of her hand dejectedly. > >"Why don't I buy you a drink, ma'am?" Milly offered cheerfully, trying to perk up >her partner. Shadow: I know another way she could do that, but children are present! Ash: Hey! I'm no kid! >"I don't drink." All: GOOD FOR YOU! Ash: She has a life! >"Come on, ma'am, it's Christmas!" > >"Well, I suppose one couldn't hurt..." Wolfwood: Yes it could. >--- Sasami: Look out for the Pika-pi! Ash: I don't get it. >The man known as Vash the Stampede perched on a lawn chair on the inn porch Sasami: Has he turned into a bird or something? Shadow: *licking lips* Mmmm! Birds... >and stared up at the night sky. The town street was completely deserted. He could >hear the faint sounds of merriment inside the tiny restaurant across the street. All: *whispering* merriment! merriment! Ash: I think that's one of the new Pokemon... >Above him, millions of stars twinkled brightly. > >Which star was she on now? Key: None. She would be burned to nothing... who is "She"? Wolfwood: Just some girl that Vash was in love with. >"Hey." Shadow: Yo! >Vash turned his head, startled out of his midnight reverie. Shadow: ... and promptly died of heart failure! The end. >Nicholas was standing in the inn's doorway behind him. Shadow: *Vash as Matthew Lawrence* Da-mn! You look fine! Wolfwood: Huish! Sasami: "Huish"?! Wolfwood: It's jibberish for "Shut the *bleep* up, foo'!" >The priest quietly pulled up a chair next to his on the porch and sat down. > >"We were starting to get worried about you." > >"Oh, sorry. I'll be back inside soon." > >"You might want to stay out here," Nicholas said casually ashe lit a cigarette. Key: *turning to Ash* You SMOKE?! You're only 10! Ash: It was a typo, you fool! >"Huh?" Ash: You heard me! > "Listen." All: We're all ears! >Suddenly, a deafening yowl came from the inside of the restaurant Shadow: Oh no! Someone's torturing Kuroneko! >that might possibly be interpreted as singing. Key: Torturing a cat is singing? Hmmm... *goes over and starts poking Shadow* Shadow: Hey! Oww! Stoppit! Key: They're right! This is fun! *Keeps poking Shadow* >It seemed to be produced by two voices- both female, familiar, and very, very >drunk. Wolfwood: Oy vey! >"I WAS SO NAAAAIIIIVE..." the higher-pitched, chirpy voice started, "NOT TO >THIIIIINK THAT LOOKS COULD DECEIVE..." Ash: It hurts my ears! Shadow: Just think how bad it is for me! My hearing is more accute! >The second woman cut in. "THE FIRST TIME YOU MADE MY HEART JUMP, A GOOD-LOOKING >BLONDE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Wolfwood: Quick, guys! Why do you think they chose THAT particular song?! *all just look at him and blink* *sigh* Never you mind. > Vash swore the glass windows rattled in their sills. > >"Huh, I didn't know Meryl had a thing for me," Vash grinned. Key: Oooh! Key gets it now! Ash: Where has he been? EVERYBODY knew she had the hots for him! >"Well, strong alcohol brings out hidden feelings," Wolfwood grimaced, "and singing >talent that should stay hidden." Shadow: Aha...aha...ha ha! >"Yeah." > >The two men chuckled, listening to the insurance girls' butchered howling under >the dark sky. Shadow: *Vash* I'd like a side of Howling, please! Ash: *Wolfwood* And I'll have a Corny Speech Sandwich! *Everyone stares at him* >Vash felt a sudden icy drop against his hand and looked down. A single snowflake >in the shape of a star lay on his palm. Ash: Snow? In the desert?! Wolfwood: Stranger things have happened! > He blinked, and it instantly melted in the hot night. > >Vash smiled. "Thank you, Rem," he whispered. Wolfwood: SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! GOD did!! >"What did you say?" Wolfwood turned to him, cigarette in hand. Wolfwood: You heard me, story me! >"Nothing," the blonde gunman said, brushing his hand against his red trenchcoat. >The loud singing had abruptly stopped. Tonight, they were going to have to carry a >pair of passed-out girls to their rooms. Ash: You lucky dogs, you! *wink* *WHAM!* Wolfwood: *Putting away Portable Confessional (tm) Y'know, for a ten year old, you sure do have a filthy mind! Sasami: Can you blame him? Traveling with a hot girl and an 18 year old version of Carrot Glace all the time... >"You know," the priest said, staring at the ground, "I didn't even get you a >gift." Shadow: *Vash* I know one way you could repay me... with some hot, creamy... *Wolfwood glares at him* ...Mushroom soup! Wolfwood: Better... > "I didn't get you one, either." > >"But I still feel guilty. Tell you what. Let's go inside, and *Ash is about to say something, but stops* > I'll buy you a drink and you can buy me a drink." > > "I don't have any money." > >"Neither do I." Key: Well, THAT won't help! >For a moment, they looked at each other. Wolfwood was the first one to look away. >"Well, I guess I'll hit the sack," *Assorted snickering* >Nicholas yawned as he rose from his chair and strolled across the porch to the >motel door. "And if I'm lucky, there'll be someone next to me when I wake up." Ash: Y'know, That sounds extremely wrong! Wolfwood: I agree! >He stopped in the open doorway. "Are you coming?" Shadow: *Vash* Oh yes! Most definately! heheh! Sasami: Shadow no hentai! >Vash was staring intently right above the other man's head, which made Wolfwood >slightly nervous. After a long pause, Vash got up and walked to him. "Wolfwood." Shadow: *Vash* You look incredibly hot to me and I want to have all your children! >"Huh?" Shadow: I'm not going to repeat myself, lest I get pummeled! All: GOOD! >"Do you know what you're standing under?" Wolfwood: I'm hoping to God it isn't mistletoe... or a seagull with diarea! >Nicholas looked up. Nailed to the doorway right above him was a dark green plastic >bough with small beaded berries. Mistletoe. Wolfwood: D'oh! Key: Hey! That rhymes! Ash: Shoulda seen this coming... >When he tilted his head back down, he felt the warmth of a gloved hand on his >shoulder. Ash: Santa? >Vash leaned forward and pecked Wolfwood on the cheek lightly. All: 0.o;; >For a brief, terrible moment, the priest's eyes widened, and Vash wondered if he had made the second worst decision in his life. All: He did! >Then, a slow, wide smile spread across Nicholas's face, and he softly mouthed >three words that made Vash smile even wider. "Do that again." All:0.0 *Look at Wolfwood* Wolfwood: OH SWEET MOTHER... *faints* Ash: I'm gonna hurl! Key: Relax! It's over. >--- Sasami: Nope, not gonna do it! >"Ma'am?" > >"Hrrrrrrrrrunnngh?" > >The quivering mass of Jell-o formerly known as Meryl Stryfe slowly crawled her way >out of bed, Shadow: So how'd SHE get splashed by water from the Spring of the drowned Slime from Dragon Warrior?! >and promptly crashed on the floor. She sluggishly staggered to her feet, making no >attempt to smoothen her wrinkled outfit from the night before. Her partner fared >no better. Miss Thompson's hair was sticking up in several different >gravity-defying directions. *Assorted snickering* >Both women had dark bags under their eyes. > >"Ma'am?" > >"Whaaaa?" > >"Which way is the bathroom?" > >Half-swaying and half-scrambling, the partners went to pay their morning respects >to the porcelain god. On the way, Milly tripped over a pile, Ash: A pile? A pile of what? Smoking monkeys? Dog poop? neatly folded panties? Gomer? >nearly tipping them over. > >"Be careful, Mil- ugggh," Meryl groaned, as her hangover didn't permit loud >voices. "Sorry, ma'am." > >They continued on their journey to the bathroom, Sasami: I prefer Journey to the West... >ignoring the obstacle. They didn't notice that the pile consisted of a red >trenchcoat and a black suit. All: 0.o;; >"Ma'am, it looks like someone's in there already." > >"That's... ridiculous. Who'd be in our bathroom anyway-" Meryl said as she opened >the door. Much screaming ensued. Wolfwood: Indeed. *All scream* >--- > >Notes: Ummmm. That's all I have to say. Comments, flames, *All grin evily* >etc. can be directed to mimarin@onebox.com. Shadow: Got that address down? *general consensus* Good. Sasami: Well, I guess that was the end. (Thank god!) *Speaker crackles to life. Legato comes onto the loudspeaker* Legato: Did I hear some screaming near the end? Was is suffering screaming? Shadow: No. It was the scream of just how WRONG something was! Legato: oh, what a pity. Well, time to go to your new home. *Portal appears under the group and they fall in. The portal closes* (SOAP) *Vash is walking down the hallway with a cup of coffee in his hand. A portal opens, and Shadow, Wolfwood, Key, Sasami and Ash land in a heap at Vash's feet* Vash: What happened? What horrible things did he do to you guys? Who're THESE three? Wolfwood: Let me put it this way: Don't touch me for a while. Shadow: And these three are Sasami, Ash, and Key. *Misty comes in wearing a pair of PJs, sleepily rubbing her eyes* Misty: Why do they transport new people when we're trying to... *Sees Ash* Oh, ASH! *Glomps onto Ash's neck* Ash: Nice to see you *Gack* too, Misty! *Choke* Some air, please? FWOOSH! =================================================================================== episode 1: Why RPG's Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development episode 2: Steven Gohan's letter to the GIA episode 3: Doubleheader: The Anime Night Before Christmas and The Anime Geek Table Squad Meet Ranma 1/2 episode 4: The Anime Fight of the Century episode 5: Life Sucks!: A Slayers fic episode 6: Chibiusa's 7th Birthday episode 7: Doubleheader: Madness takes Hold -- Rape and Ruto's Gift episode 8: Doubleheader: Ami-Chan and First Times episode 9: A Very Merry Trigun Christmas Quote o' the Day: Wolfwood: Are you THAT clueless or are you an android? Key: Yes. Wolfwood: I thought so... HUH? Oh, just a gentle reminder that my E-mail address is ken_chanx@hotmail.com! Send Fanfics, Jokes, Quotes, notes of your undying love, Flames (uh... on second thought...)