Legal Stuff 'n' such Mystery Science Theatre 3000 & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. all other characters and likenesses are owned by their respectable owners. Please don't sue me! I'm poorer than dirt! Ken's Notes: Whoot! I'm doing the "Bloodbath" two-parter thing in this episode. This Nav guy... He need's therapy and FAST! It creeps me out how nuts this guy sounds! Luckly, I managed to trick my friend, Iguana Bob, into helping me MST this crap! THE FOOL!! NYA HAHAHAHAAA! *Cough cough* Anywhoo, he's a virgin to this whole MSTing gig, so be gentle! With that out of the... What's that? You want to say something? *sigh* okay... *hands over the mic.* Iguanabob: It's my first MST! Please don't hurt meeeee.... *sob* Ken-Chan X: With that out of the way, here we gooo... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Dark Place) *Legato is taking some paper from a fax machine* Legato: Finally. It came. This will be splendid! *opening song* In the not to distant future, (Who cares just when!) A guy kidnaps some characters And decides just then... (Zoinks!) Legato: I'll send 'em cruddy fanfics. The worst that I can find. (DSF Slime, Miko, Dan, Nakoruru & Rezo:Lalala!) Then we'll see how long They keep their lil' minds (Ganondorf, Queen Beryl, Team Rocket: Lalala!) Now remember, even Zelgadis can't control when the stories come. He's just gonna take another 'zac (... and maybe anot'r Tum!) MST'er ROLL CALL! Lara!: (>sniffle< I'm lost!) Ken-Chan X!: (Wasaaabi!) Wolfwood!: (Oh, Lordy!) Iguanabob: (I am a jelly donut! Hear me roar!) Vaaash!: (Love and Peace!) If you're asking how they eat 'n' breathe And, uh, other types of stuff, Calm yourself, put down that bottle 'o' Jolt, And kick back in the buff (eep!), For MST Ripoff 2K! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (SOAP) *Sailor Mercury stands in front of a red curtain with a spotlight lighting it up* Sailor Mercury: What you are about to see here is an Anti-Sailor Moon fic. How do I know? I was PAYING ATTENTION when Legato told us another one was comin'! I will now give the stage up to Link, while I go cower in the closet. Link? *Link comes onstage and Sailor Mercury runs off.* Link: On that note, let us join the unsuspecting fools... after a commercial break! *pushes grey button* Announcer: This program brought to you by Queeriero's: a rainbow of flavour in every triangle. Ken-Chan X: Makes me almost wonder why I'm straight... Then I remember... Anyway, while the commercial was running, Legato called! Glory of all glories! So anyway... *Turns to vidwindow with an image of Legato on it.* What's the scoop, poop? (Dark place) Legato: It never seizes to amaze me how you humans keep a good humor about things. THAT shall quickly be crushed like so many spiders to save so many butterflies. So says my master... (SOAP) Ken-Chan X: I'll have to stop you right there, so as to not give to many spoilers away... (Dark Place) Legato: Indeed. You will be watching a doubleheader *Chorus of "Aww, Man!" comes from SOAP* called "Bloodbath" It is both parts, so enjoy! (SOAP) Ken-Chan X: Whoa! Hold on! This wouldn't be the second Anti-Sailor Moon fic, would it? (Dark Place) Legato: Why, yes. It would. Do you have any... objections? (SOAP) Ken-Chan X: No. I just want one of my friends to help us MST it. (Dark Place) Legato: *sigh* Very well. Push the button Nakoruru... *Nakoruru looks at Legato quizinglly* *sigh* The PURPLE button! *Nakoruru pushes it* (SOAP) *A portal opens, and out pops a somewhat cherubish blonde boy wearing a trenchcoat* Ken-Chan X: Iguanabob! Iguanabob: Ken-Chan X! What're you doing here? Where ARE we? *Lights and klaxons* Ken-Chan X: No time to explain... WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically Door 5: Usagi & C-ko sit on a couch watching soap operas. You barely make it out without drowning in the resulting tears. Door 4: It's Lucille from Samurai Pizza Cats! She just stepped out of the shower and hasn't put on a towel! You gawk for a short time before you must avoid the Macross-style onslaught of missiles. Door 3: It's a drawbridge. It slowly opens, the rusty squeak slowly driving you insane. Door 2: There's no Kirby! You scratch your head, shrug, and move on. Door 1: It's a wall! One of Lucille's stray missiles blasts an opening. seated left to right: Ken-Chan X, Lara, Iguana Bob, Vash and Wolfwood* Iguanabob: So... What exactly do I do? Ken-Chan X: Remember when we watched that Tekken movie? Iguanabob: Oh yeah.. hehehe funny. Nothing was as fluid as that guy being hit by the rock and falling into the water. Ken-Chan X: Yeah! hehehe. >Heres a short story putting me against the senshi! bloodbath: what i wish i could >do Iguanabob: Wow a self-insertion sailor moon fic that DOESN'T involve sex. >The sailor senshi had just arived at the old alley the mysterious letter had >instructed them to go to. An unused one, on the edges of Tokyo. Lara: ... Where the tentacled monster waited with baited breath... >The letter had told them that something very bad would happen if they didnt come, >so they came. Vash: As opposed to? Iguanabob: That was fast >Sailors Saturn and pluto looked around. "nothings here," Iguanabob: Yep, whole lot of nothing, no walls, no ground, no plot.... Wolfwood: yep. >they said,"must be some jok..." >Before they had finished their sentence, two shots rang out from the darkness of >one part of the alley, quickly killing the two scouts. All: sweeet! > After a few more shots, sailors neptune, uranus, and mercury were also slain. Ken_Chan X: SAILOR MERCURY!? NOOOO! Wolfwood: Just a story, Ken, it's just a story! Ken-Chan X: I knew that! >The remaining senshi looked in the direction the shots had come from, only to see >a tall teen-age boy carrying an M-16 stepped out of the shadows. He had short >brown hair and wore a large green t-shirt with a pair of baggy dark blue jeans. Vash: *Sailor Moon* Aww. It's ONLY Nav! I'm so disappointed! Iguanabob: Yeah! It should be me with the M16!! > He took aim with his M-16 rifle and fired another shot at sailor venus, killing >her instantly. It was me, and i had come to kill the senshi. All: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! Iguanabob: IT'S A SELF-INSERTION ANTI-FIC! RUUUUNNN!!! >"AAAAHH!! ITS NAV!!!" the remaining scouts yelled. "RUN FOR IT!" Wolfwood: *One of the scouts* Despite the fact he can just mow us down with gunfire! Vash: Yeah. But that would bring him out into the open where people could witness him killing them... maybe stop him! Wolfwood: Are_YOU_going to go near a crazy guy with a gun? Vash: Why not? I hang out with you, don't I? Wolfwood: Why you little... Iguanabob: *snicker* *WHAM* ow..... >At that point, a Tuxedoed figure in a large black cape wearing a strange white >mask dropped in between me and the remaining senshi. He threw a rose at me, which >landed at my feet. Laughing, i crushed the rose under my feet and fired again >killing this fairy in a penguin suit. Lara: *snicker* Stupid fairy in a penguin suit! Iguanabob: Fairy in a penguin suit?!? Where the hell did that come from? Did it just teleport in or something? Someone give me a hand here 'cause i'm really *bleep*-ing confused here. >Shocked by my quick slaughtering of tuxedo mask, the senshi's only way to any >victory, the remaining targets of my merciless slaughter finally started doing >something that was completely futile. They attacked. All: D'oh! Iguanabob: *Chief Wiggum* That's what they all say! They all say d'oh! >"PINK SUGAR HEART ATTACK!" yelled chibi usa. the attack did nothing to me as i >pumped the tiny brat full of bullets with my M-16. Ken-Chan X: OKAY!! NAV, this is TOO WRONG!!! YOU CAN'T SHOOT A_KID_WITH A GUN! WHY DON'T YOU... *All struggle to keep Ken seated* >"MARS FIRE SOOOOUL!" yelled sailor mars. she shot forth a burst of fire which i >merely dodged as i fired a few bullets at her to finish her off. Lara: Ummm... Wouln't Anime LAw dictate that he can't attack, let alone MOVE until they were finished their attack? Ken-Chan X: Could it be because HE'S NOT AN ANIME CHARACTER?! Lara: Oh yeah! Heh. That changes everything! >"THUNDER DRAGON!!!" yelled Sailor jupiter. a huge dragon of energy formed and dove >at me, nearly striking. Fortunately, I was prepared for such an attack. i drew >from my pocket a wire connected to a small lightbulb. the wire had one bare end, >which I held in front of the attacking dragon. All; *Cough* Wouldn't work *cough* > the dragon, being electricity, was sucked into the wire and went into the >lightbulb. acting quickly, i then threw the lightbulb at Sailor jupiter before it >exploded. All; *Cough* Wouldn't work *cough* >I then shot her. Turning to sailor moon, i grabbed her neck and gave a tight >squeeze. Iguanabob: Ooh kinky! Vash: Well, at least he's being original... Just shooting everyone with an M-16 gets boring after awhile. Wolfwood: Vash... >her neck snapped quickly, and i had completed my mission. Ken-Chan X: *Nav* ...to alienate myself from society! >The senshi was dead. their patheticness would plague earth no more. Iguanabob: I believe that this is a prime example of the pot calling the kettle black. Ken-Chan X: Yeah. He forgot to kill the Sailorstars, Chibi-chibi and the cats... the_TRUE_ masters of evil! >THE END > >I have decided to do one of the worst things you can do in an antific AGAIN! Ken-Chan X: WRITE another one! >Bloodbath 2: Another Shameless Self-Insertion All: ARGH! >(Authors note: This violent fic takes place immediately after the end of the >original bloodbath) > >As I stood gazing upon the bloody carcasses of the fallen senshi, i could not help >but to wonder if this was TRULY the end of the evil group. Suddenly I noticed a >strange black mist forming over the bullet-riddled bodies. > >Horrified, I watched as the corpses continiued to be drenched in this seemingly >evil mist, and as the bodies, one by one, got up off of the ground. > >Their eyes glowed with darkness, and they started to transform into hideous, >demonic forms. > >The undead bodies grew horns, fangs, wings, forked tails, and their skin turned >into hardened reptillian scales. All: Uh-oh. Iguanabob: Cool! >Clutching my M-16 rifle, Iguanabob: Hmmmm... Might I suggest something slightly bigger? Like maybe a minigun? Much more fun than your sissy M-16 >I was mortified as I watched this unholy ressurection and transformation. I was >well aware that the Senshi was evil, but I wasnt expecting THIS! Lara: Which Senshi was it? There ARE about 15 or so... Ken-Chan X: methinks Nav has been playing a liiiittle too much Resident Evil! >The newly raised corpses took one look at me and started to walk in my direction, >with the intention of killing me. All: Do it...do it...do the deed... > I set my rifle to full >automatic fire and emptied a full 30-round clip into the head of the >newly revived sailor moon. The body staggered backward for a second, but >then continiued its advancement toward me. > Apparently bullets would have no effect. Vash: He's screwed! Iguanabob:See i told you that m16 was sissy, NOTHING withstands the raw power of the minigun. In the time it took to empty the 30 round mag you could have reduced that bitch to legs and goo with a minigun. Wolfwood: You like the Minigun, don't you? >I hastily attached my custom made Titanium jagged-edged bayonnet onto the battel >of my M-16 and charged into the crowd of the undead senshi. Viciously slashing at >the undead corpses, I was able to decapitate a few and shred apart a few others, >they kept coming at me. Lara: "Bayonnet?" Wolfwood: And he is promptly arrested for stealing military gear. >I stepped back and withdrew a small homemade firebomb from my pocket, Vash: *Mr. Rogers* Can you say "delusions of grandeur?" I knew you could. >lit it, and tossed it into the slowly moving horde of darkness. It exploded, Lara: As opposed top what? Spurting copious amounts of chocolate pudding? Iguanabob: Mmmm... chocolate pudding. >and the crowd of undead was instantly engulfed in flame. But suddenly, the flames >were, as if by magic, completely extinguished. Ken-Chan X: wow... We didn't expect THAT, DID we gang? Iguanabob: Hunh? what? I'm sorry i was distracted by something shiny, hehe its shiny. >The former Sailor venus raised its hand, and speaking in a rasping voice, yelled Ken-Chan X & Lara: *Weird AL Yankovic* o/~ Yoda. yo-yo-yo--yo yoda! yo-yo-yo-yo-yoda...o/~ >"BLOOD HEART CHAIN!". A thick chain seemingly made of human hearts formed around >the dead corpse All: eew. >and shot out, wraping itself around my neck. It squeezed tightly, as the carcass >of sailor mars yelled "TORMENTED FIRE SOUL!". From the carcasses fingertips, a >flaming pentagram shot forth right in my direction. It struck, burning the chain >of rotting hearts from my neck, but tat the same time giving me some severe burns. > >I fell to the ground, and as i got up, i saw the dead sailor moon holding a wand >embedded with black stones and topped with a skull. she was drawing a pentagram, >and apparently this was the equivalent of Moon Prisim Power. Thete was only one >way to stop this now. Iguanabob: Yes use the ways of thete, may thete be with you!! Ken-Chan X: Actually, He'd be needing to go to the burn ward or he'd be dead Iguanabob: No! the almighty power of thete would protect him!! Ken-Chan X: Gottta love spelling mistakes, people! >In my pockets, i had a miniature cross, Vash: How... convenient. Wolfwood: Betcha it wasan't full of guns like MINE! >which i hurled at the pentagram being drawn. a trememdous explosion resulted, and >the carcasses were obliterated. I had won. Lara: *Nav* Or so I thought... I relized I STILL hadn't killed the Sailorstars, Sailor Chibi-Chhibi, and the three cats... the_TRUE_masters of evil! >I made sure that the senshi would be gone for good by placing the ashed in holy >water, and tossing the vials to the bottom of the sea. They never returned. > >The End Iguanabob: Next chapter: THEY RETURN!! AAAA! *Doors open and all leave* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ *Ken-Chan X, Lara, Vash and Wolfwood enter dressed as the Sailor Scouts* Ken-Chan X: We are the Sailor Scouts! We have been led to an alley. What now? *Someone shouts "Bang!" and Vash and Wolfwood fall down, clutching their chests* *Iguanabob enters dressed as Nav* Iguanabob: I am Nav! I totally HATE Sailor Moon! *Shoots Ken and Lara* Ha Ha! I have shot them. *They all get up and start doing bad zombie impressions* Oh no. I will have to use a wimpy M-16 instead of a minigun. (Dark Place) Legato: Very entertaining. Now you must go home, Iguanabob. Push the button, Nakoruru! FWOOSH! ==================================================================================== episode 1: Why RPG's Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development episode 2: Steven Gohan's letter to the GIA episode 3: Doubleheader: The Anime Night Before Christmas and The Anime Geek Table Squad Meet Ranma 1/2 episode 4: The Anime Fight of the Century episode 5: Life Sucks!: A Slayers fic episode 6: Chibiusa's 7th Birthday episode 7: Doubleheader: Madness takes Hold -- Rape and Ruto's Gift episode 8: Doubleheader: Ami-Chan and First Times episode 9: A Very Merry Trigun Christmas episode 10: A Typical Sailor Moon Episode episode 11: What's Eating Pikachu? episode 12: Doubleheader: Bloodbath parts 1 & 2 Quote o' the Day: >Prisim Power. Thete was only one way to stop this now. Iguanabob: Yes use the ways of thete! May thete be with you!! Ken-Chan X: Actually, He'd be needing to go to the burn ward or he'd be dead. Iguanabob: No! the almighty power of thete would protect him!! Oh, just a gentle reminder that my E-mail address is ken_chanx@hotmail.com! Send Fanfics, Jokes, Quotes, notes of your undying love, Flames (uh... on second thought...)