Legal Stuff 'n' such Mystery Science Theatre 3000 & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. all other characters and likenesses are owned by their respectable owners. Please don't sue me! I'm poorer than dirt! Ken's Notes: This is a fanfic that I found totally by accident. When I later decided to MST it, I typed in the title and found out the guy who wrote it had it on his own site. So here it is... And NO, I did NOT write this under an assumed name. I am not that twisted! (and I'm more into crossovers...) Oh yeah. Season two! YAAY! With that out of the way, here we gooo! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- *You come upon a "Masterpiece Theatre" style chair. A man that looks like a fanboy's lame attempt to look like Vash is sitting there. He's wearing a red smoking jacket.* Knives: Well, hello humans. I am Knives Million. "Who?" you may stupidly ask... I am the exterminator that will rid this world of all humanity! If you STILL can't understand what I mean, I am the reason Vash is the person he is today... I am his brother! *evil laugh and a clap of thunder and lighning* *ahem* But enough of the spoilers... I am Legato's boss. I control the fics, the vertical and the horizontal, etc., etc.! Enough talk! The next fanfic your pathetic little heroes are to be watching will start right aboooouuut.... NOW! *opening song* In the not to distant future, (Who cares just when!) A guy kidnaps some characters And decides just then... (Zoinks!) Legato: I'll send 'em cruddy fanfics. The worst that I can find. (DSF Slime, Miko, Dan, Nakoruru & Rezo:Lalala!) Then we'll see how long They keep their lil' minds (Neko, Dubimon, Team Rocket: Lalala!) Now remember, even Zelgadis can't control when the stories come. He's just gonna take another 'zac (... and maybe anot'r Tum!) MST'er ROLL CALL! Sakura!: (Haaadoken!) Krillin!: (Huba!) Key!: (30,000?!) Sasami!: (Ryo'ohki!) Aaash!: (Finish him, Pikachu!) If you're asking how they eat 'n' breathe And, uh, other types of stuff, Calm yourself, put down that bottle 'o' Jolt, And kick back in the buff (eep!), For MST Ripoff 2K! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ *You come upon Link and Zelgadis having a sword fight* Link: You take that back! Zelgadis: NO! LinK: You'd better! I will not allow you to tell such... LIES! Zelgadis: But it's true, isn't it? Zelda is a crossdresser! AND YOU COULDN'T TELL! Link: Oh yeah? Neither could you, I bet! Zelgadis: Well... You're right... I take it back... But I_STILL_say that you two are pretty*beep*-ed up! *Sees you* Oh, hi! Welcome to season two of MST Ripoff 2K! *a fourth wall crashes down somewhere in the distance.* Man, I haven't heard THAT sound for a while! Link: Me neither... maybe because we weren't trying to break it! *More sounds of the fourth wall crumbling* Zelgadis: *sweatdrop* Anyway, as if you couldn't tell, Link and I were having a manly discussion of women we've known when I casually mentioned that all the girls he knew were crazy weirdos. Link: On further though, I agree. What with a *beep*-ed up fishgirl that believes me to be her fiance, a girl who looks the same but has a different name everytime I blink, an elf girl, and a princess that likes to dress up as a Bishounen! Did I miss any? Zelgadis: Yeah... That Gerudo Thief! *Vash walks into the room* Vash: Your really one to talk about weird girls, Zelgadis... Zelgadis: Your not exactly blameless, either, Porcupine Head! Vash: Feh! Bite me! *To you* Anyway, I think that our fanfic o' the day will come soon, so while we all gather in the control room, enjoy a commercial! *a pulpit with a grey button on top pops out of the ground. Zel and Link push it* Announcer: Coming soon to USITV (Unbelievably Stupid Idea Television), A Pay Per View event of epic proportions! Watch as comics squirm on... MAKE ME LAUGH! Anime Character Edition! With Rei from Evangelion! Ruri from MS Nadesico! Key from, well, Key! And Lain! Who will crack a smile first? Which one, if they DO smile will look incredibly evil?! Which one will utterly frighten us? WHO KNOWS! Ruri: Idiots. *The control Room. All are present except for Misty. Cham Cham is trying to tell Ken-Chan X about the past episode.* Cham Cham: ...and Legato say Queen Beryl and Ganondorf were on extended vacation. Then he introduce two new peoples! One was some catgirl named Sneaker or something. The other was some kind of creature... Ken-Chan X: Hmmm... A catgirl named "Sneaker" and a creature, huh? Doesn't sound so bad... *Sees you* Well, hi! We're just waiting for Legato to call with the fanfic of the day. *red light starts to flash* Link: *Percy wetmore* Dead man callin'! Dead man callin'! *slight scuffle over who gets to push the button. Shadow merely walks up to the control panel and pushes the red button.* *Legato's evil mug pops up on screen. He is eating the remnants of a chocolate bunny, a Churro, and a 12 inch meatball sub.* (Dark Place) Legato: *Chews a few times and swallows* Well, hello my little Chinchillas. My master sent me this one for you today. It is called "Slayers Idiotic" and is by some guy by the name of cheese... Mmmm... cheese... Anyway, since you were absent last time, Ken-Chan X, say hello to two old friends of yours. *Neko and Dubimon step out of the shadows.* (SOAP) Ken-Chan X: Neko On'na no ko?! Dubimon!? (Dark Place) Neko: Perhaps you are wondering why I am working for Legato... It is because you decided to use Cham Cham for your MSTs instead of ME!! (SOAP) Cham Cham: Hiyeeeeeeeee! <((^V^))> *Waves* (Dark Place) Neko: *sweatdrop* Anyway, that's MY reasoning. How 'bout yours, Dubimon? Dubimon: *shrugs* Just felt like bein' freakin' evil. Legato: Well, now you know. Push the button Nakoruru! Nakoruru: Seein' to it! (SOAP) *lights & klaxons* Link: Oh, poopies! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically Door 5: Usagi, Mihoshi & C-ko sit on a couch watching "Lion King". You barely make it out without drowning in the resulting tears. Door 4: It's Lucille from Samurai Pizza Cats! She is still angry at you for walking in on her! You avoid the Macross-style onslaught of missiles. Door 3: It's a drawbridge. It slowly opens, the rusty squeak slowly driving you insane. Door 2: It's Kirby! He sees you and just beats the smeg out of himself. You stand there with an anime sweatdrop on the back of your head before going on. Door 1: It's a wall! One of Lucille's stray missiles blasts an opening. Seated left to right: Sakura, Ash, Key, Sasami, and Krillin* >SLAYERS IDIOTIC: A Parody Prequel Krillin: Heeey... If this is a prequel, then THAT means this has Naga in it! *hides under his seat* Sakura: Would this be before the first Slayers Movie or after the last Slayers movie? >by: Ryu Cheese Sasami: What a gay-ass name! Ash: *Ryu* Gouda-ken! Sakura: FLAMING SHORYUKEN TO THE NADS!! *WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!* Shut up! Don't mock Ryu! >---------------------------- Krillin: *comes out from under seat* Look out for the pika-pi! Ash: I_STILL_don't get that... Sasami: I'll tell you about it later... Key: Key would also like to know! >Lina stared at Naga, refusing to blink for even a moment. Ash: *Lina* Gosh, Naga... I feel strangely attracted to yo-*WHAM!* > For if Lina blinked, the last piece of meat on her plate would be snatched up >by the big busted sorceress sitting across from her. > >"Really, Lina, you know that last piece of meat is rightfully mine." Naga said >with determination. > >"Heh heh, I don't think so, Naga," Lina said with a witty smile. "I bought you >this dinner therefore, the last piece of meat should belong to me." Key: Oh no! Lina has been replaced by Ken-Chan X's Dad! > Lina glared. Key: eep! >"Um, if you two are done..." A waiter from the restaurant said to Lina and Naga, >"We really need this table for other customers. You two have been sitting there >for three hours now just looking at each other." Krillin: *Naga* Gee, Lina. You look dead se-*WHAM!* > The waiter smiled nervously, sweat poured from his forehead. > >Lina and Naga stopped staring at each other and turned toward the waiter. Their >eyes were both glowing red, their pupils nowhere to be seen. Ash: Oh, poopies! Lina and Naga have got Diablo eyes! > The waiter started to back away from Lina and Naga's table. Sasami: *ominous* There_IS_no escape, insolent waiter! >Lina's hands then began glowing red. "I don't like it when people come and >annoy me while I'm eating..." Lina said in a deep, angry voice. Sakura: *Lina* It always gives me a rash on my hands! See? >"Um, uh..." The waiter stuttered out his words. "Technically, neither of you are >eating anymore. I, um, have been watching you for, uh, three hours and neither of >you has moved since then. Sakura: *Waiter* And then I realized, you girls are so hot! *WHAM!* >So you, um, kind of stopped eating a long time ago." Sakura: *nursing a bump on her head* uh, oh! He just encured the wrath of a sorceress! >"FIRE..." Sakura: EXTINGUISHER! Key: PLACE! Krillin: MAN! Sasami: ALARM! Ash: SPIN! > Lina's hands glowed red with the power of the spell she was about to cast upon >the waiter. "BALL!!!!!" A fireball shot out of Lina's hands and towards the >waiter's head. Krillin: *Sarcastic* Wow! Who'd've thought a fireball would come from doing a fireball spell? > It ripped the waiter's head right out of his neck since the spell was cast at >such short range. All: eww! > The waiter's head flew into the wall behind the bar of the restaurant. The >bar tender picked up the waiter's head and looked at it. "Yummy." Was all the >bartender said as he shoved the whole entire head down his throat, not even >bothering to chew. All: EEW! Ash: That NEVER happened in ANY of the Slayers movies or TV series! >Naga looked at Lina. "Lina..." Naga said with concern. "You have been becoming too >brutal lately. You loose your temper too easily." Naga then laughed, and stood up, >pointing at Lina. "AH HAA HAA HAA! I will always be superior to you, Lina Inverse! Krillin: *Lina* yeah. whatever. fireball. > You do not have the patience to control your temper, you do not have the >gracefulness that I possess! Ash: Nor the jiggliness... > You will always be second to me, Lina Inverse! AH HA HA HAAA!!" Naga's chest >bounced up and down as she laughed. Ash & Krillin: *nosebleeds* Whoot! Zelgadis: *over speaker* Aaggh! The annoying laughter! The errant jiggling! <(((__o))> >Lina looked around the restaurant and saw that the customers were hiding under >their tables while Naga was letting out her ear -piercing laugh. Lina sighed, >"That's enough, Naga... you're giving me a headache." But for some reason, Naga >couldn't stop laughing. All: AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! >"AAAAHHHH HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" Naga's laugh was becoming more and more >out of control, cracking the glasses and windows in the restaurant. Lina tried to >calm Naga down, but it seemed that Naga lost all control. Naga fell to the ground >in a laughing tantrum. Many of the customers ran out of the restaurant, holding >their ears as they ran. *All running around the theatre, screaming and covering their ears* >Even Lina, who had grown tolerant of Naga's laugh was having trouble keeping >her sanity. All: SO ARE WE! >Lina talked as she held her ears, "Naga, stop, dammit!" Bubbles came from Naga's >mouth along with a gurgling sound as she continued her outrageous laughter. Krillin: Good. Maybe she'll die! >Lina looked around furiously for some way to stop Naga from laughing. All: *chanting* usetheboobs! usetheboobs! >Suddenly, she spotted a dead rat in the corner of the vacant restaurant. Sakura: Eew! That's a health hazard! Krillin: What? The fact that there's a rat there or the fact that there's a rat and it's dead? > It must have died from hearing her laugh too much, Lina thought to herself. All: Aha. aha. aha. > Lina picked up the rat and shoved it down >Naga's throat. Krillin: Mmmm. Them's good eatin' Sasami: Billions of Survivor contestants can't be wrong! >Naga bolted up from the ground which she lay, and tried to spit the rat out of her >mouth. Unfortunately, the rat was wedged into her throat in such a way that Naga >could neither spit it out nor breath. Naga ran around the room frantically trying >to get the rat out of her throat, but all that was visible of the rat was the tail >which hung out of her mouth and brushed against her chin. Key: That's gotta suck! >Lina seemed to be enjoying the show that Naga was putting on. Ash: *Lina* Hey, Naga! Why don'tcha stri- *THWAKAM!* > Naga was running around bumping into things, her eyes rolled back into their >sockets. Lina just pointed and laughed at Naga, cheering each time that Naga's >head smashed into a nearby wall. Sasami: Masochistic, isn't she? > However, Naga's head bashed against the wall once too often and eventually, >Naga's brains spilled onto the floor. Krillin: Wow. Naga's skull just became the thickness of an eggshell and her brains became the consistency of watered-down pudding! >Lina looked at Naga's brains which had falled out of the crack in her head. Key: Gee. The author's brain just leaked out as well. His writing ability just fell another four grade levels. >Now for most people, having their brains removed from their bodies would result in >death, but Naga kept running around the restaurant, her face blue. Sasami: And WHY do you suppose that is? Ash: Because she's got an extra set in her breasts? Key: Because she's an anime character? Krillin: Because she's an android? Sakura: Because she didn't HAVE any brains to begin with? > This astonished Lina, and at the same time she wondered if a healing spell would >be able to fix Naga up, since apparently, she was still alive. Krillin: Don't do it Lina! Save yourself some trouble later on! >Suddenly, a group of bandits barged into the abandoned restaurant. Key: That was stupid... Krillin: *bandit #1* Oy! Where_IS_everyone?! Ash: *bandit #2* Dunno! But lookit the brainless woman with the huge ti-*WHAM!* Sasmi: *Putting away frying pan* BAKA! > "There she is!" one of the bandits yelled. "She's that witch who stole our >treasure the other day! We've come to get our revenge!" Key: Ain't gonna happen. >The leader of the group had a red bandana around his head. He drew his sword and pointed it at Lina. Krillin: His "Sword", huh? > "I have been humiliated by a little girl, but I will not tolerate defeat!" The >leader had a deep voice, a voice that would send chills up anyone's spine. "I will >be the one to have the last laugh, you little bandit killer! No one has ever been >able to defeat me in battle! My name is known throughout the land! My name strikes >fear in the hearts of my enemies! Ash: Vash the Stampede? Sasami: The Shadow? Key: Barney? Sakura: Happosai? Krillin: Cell? > My name... is DINKY!!!" *Theatre explodes with laughter* >The rest of the bandits began laughing. Dinky turned around and yelled, "I TOLD >YOU NOT TO LAUGH AT MY NAME!!! It is a fearful name I tell you, a fearful one!" Krillin: *still giggling slightly* Yeah. Fearful my arse! *Starts to laugh uncontrollably again* >Dinky suddenly stopped talking and looked at Naga. It appeared as if during his >earlier dialogue, he did not notice a big-busted girl running around the room >leaving a trail of leaking brains. Ash: How could you MISS it? Sasami: I thought her brains were already out? Krillin: I_STILL_say her brains have turned into the consistency of watered-down pudding! Key: Maybe it's because of all the imact into the wall turned her brains into a mushy consistency. The Egyptians used to get the brains out of the nose by sticking a rod up the nasal cavity and stirring the brains until they could poured out of the nostril... *everyone looks at her, disgusted.* Well it's true!! >"Um, is she your friend?" Dinky directed the question toward Lina. > >"*Sigh* I guess you could say something like that..." Ash: *Lina* Actually, we're lov-*WHACK!* Y'know, You'd have thought I'd've learned by now... >"She's running around like a headless chicken." Dinky's mouth remained open in >shock. Krillin: I wouldn't mind sampling THOSE breasts and thighs Mmmm... that special blend of herbs and spices... *wink* *WHAM!* I'm gonna stop now... Sasami: Good! >Lina stood up from the booth which she was sitting. "Yes, but now I must >take care of >something." Lina looked at Dinky and the rest of the bandits. > >"Take care of what?" Dinky looked back at Lina. Sasami: You. >"Darkness beyond twilight and crimson beyond blood that flows, buried in the >stream of time, is where your power grows.." Lina's hands began to glow with the >spell she was about to cast. Krillin: Gee. I wonder which one... > "I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand, upon the gift bestowed in my >unworthy hand..." > >"She's casting a spell!" One of the bandits yelled. All: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! >"Not if I stop her!" Dinky yelled and rushed toward Lina. Ash: oh! Bad move! >Lina opened her eyes and looked at dinky , "too late, fatty... >D R A G O N S L A V E ! ! ! ! !" And with that, Lina's most powerful spell flew >from her hands and towards the bandits, burning them and their bones into ashes. >The entire restaurant blew up, not to mention the entire town. Key: Actually, that was NOT her most powerful spell... Giga Slave is! Krillin: I think what he means is her most powerful spell BEFORE the tv series... >Lina stood in the rubble that used to be the restaurant and looked down at the >bones of the bandits who she had killed. Sasami: That NEVER happened in the Slayers series! She just kinda, SCORCHES 'em a little. > "Did you see that, Naga?" Lina exclaimed proudly. "As usual, Lina Inverse comes >out triumphant!" Lina looked around. "...Naga?" Lina then noticed Naga's skull >laying in a pile of ashes by her feet. All: WHOO HOO! She's gone! > "Damn it, Naga, you should have gotten out of the way." Krillin: Not that it would have helped her any... > Lina picked up the skull and looked at it. "Well, that's one more annoyance off >of my back!" And with that, Lina crushed Naga's skull in her hands and ate the >remaining skull dust in her hand. All: EEW! Ash: *Goldust* And you'll never forget the name of... *sucks in air* *whispering* SKULLDUST! >"I guess I should continue on my journey alone." Lina began walking away from the >ruins of the town and then looked back. "You sure will be missed, Naga. I guess >you won't be getting any treasure from that big gang of bandits that we were >supposed to rob, huh, Naga? What was the name of that gang?" Lina looked towards >the sky trying to remember. "Oh, that's right, the Dragon Fangs! They have a lot >of treasure, too bad their boss has a big evil mean dragon protecting it. But he >shouldn't be any match for me and my Dragon Slave!" Krillin: Forgive me if I'm wrong, but didn't Lina not KNOW that the Dragon Fangs had a dragon?! Ash: You would be 100% correct, Krillin. >Lina walked away from the town and thought to herself, "Maybe I'll meet someone >else to go along on my travels with me. It might get lonely being by myself. Maybe >a handsome prince! Sasami: *snort* Dream on! >It would be great if a handsome prince were to travel with me, then we could fall >in love and have lots and lots of babies!" Key: Somehow, Key doubts that's Lina's thinking... >Lina continued her walking and her journey to steal the Dragon Fang's treasure. >Little did Lina know that this was merely the beginning of her adventures. Her >adventures would continue as she would get older. She would meet new people, steal >new treasures, even learn new spells. But out of everything that happens, the most >important to Lina Inverse is that her chest grows as big as two beach balloons. Krillin: No, they don't. THE END All: YAAY! *Get up to leave, but the doors are still locked.* >-------------------------------------------- Key: Look out for the pika-pi! Ash: Heeeeey! I think I get it now! Sasami: Give the man a licorice cigar! I hope all of you enjoyed my first Slayers Fanfic. All: We didn't. > If you hated it, let me know, if you liked it, let me know. I'm always looking at >ways to improve my writing, and if it sucks big time, I wanna hear about it, sign my guestbook! Key: Hmmm... Key's guessing this came from the author's site? > But if you're saying it sucks just to be mean and you really think it doesn't... >well then,you can't be my friend. Krillin: We don't WANNA be your friend! *Doors open. they leave.* ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (SOAP Control Room) *All are present... except for Misty* Krillin: So, Legato. Your effort to scare us failed! You just made us more ornery! (Dark Place) Legato: Oh yeah? Well then, I shall tell you that that was just part one! There are five parts in all. How does THAT grab you? (SOAP) Krillin: mommy! (Dark Place) Legato: And I suppose that you are wondering what happened to Misty?! WELL! My two little darlings which I lost last time captured her and will continue to terrori- *Misty enters the SOAP Control Room.* What the... How'd you get away?! (SOAP) Misty: I captured them! *holds up two pokeballs* They belong to ME, now! (Dark Place) Legato: Rats. We'll see how you fare next time. Oh, and DON'T get those two little darlings wet. *grin* Press the button Nakoruru! FWOOSH! ======================================================================== Season One: episode 1-13 Season Two: episode 14: SLAYERS IDIOTIC: A Parody Prequel Quote o' the Day: >"She's running around like a headless chicken." Dinky's mouth remained open in >shock. Krillin: I wouldn't mind sampling THOSE breasts and thighs Mmmm... that special blend of herbs and spices... *wink* *WHAM!* I'm gonna stop now... Oh, just a gentle reminder that my E-mail address is ken_chanx@hotmail.com! Send Fanfics, Jokes, Quotes, notes of your undying love, Flames (uh... on second thought...)