Legal Stuff 'n' such Mystery Science Theatre 3000 & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. all other characters and likenesses are owned by their respectable owners. Please don't sue me! I'm poorer than dirt! Ken's notes: Oboyoboyoboy!! Do the Hampster Dance! Episode 1 of my Fanfic MST series. It's also the second that I have MST'd. This is a weird little thing by some guy. Please do NOT flame him! I do not own this. I just found it on Chibi's website and decided to use my own characters to MST it. Please don't sue me for that, either! Remember, this is just to mock the 'fic itself, not the author! Many things to mock! So, here we goooo...! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Dark Place) Voice: *Looking into some kind of monitor with ten blank squares* Computer! Find ten characters for... THE EXPERIMENT!! *various computer sounds* YES! These will do nicely! Poor unsuspecting fools! BWAHAHAHA *Cough Cough Cough*!!!! *fade out* *opening song* In the not to distant future, (Who cares just when!) A guy kidnaps some characters And decides just then... (Zoinks!) Dark Shadowy Figure: I'll send 'em cruddy fanfics! The worst that I can find! (Nakoruru & Rezo: Lalala!) Then we'll see how long They keep their lil' minds (Team Rocket: Lalala!) Now remember, even Zelgadis can't control when the stories come. He's just gonna take another 'zac (... and maybe anot'r Tum!) MST'er ROLL CALL! Lara!: (>sniffle< I'm lost!) Misty!: (GO, Starmie!) Cham Cham!: (Me like Spam!) Zelgadis!: (... ...!) Liiiink!: (Oh, Woofnab!) If you're asking how they eat 'n' breathe And, uh, other types of stuff, Calm yourself, put down that bottle 'o' Jolt, And kick back in the buff (eep!), For MST Ripoff 2K! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Somewhere in Japan) *Lara is walking to school with Tenshi & Akurei, her twin Guardian Angels in their school seifuku. A weird ball appears above them, and they disappear.* Voice: These three are a start! (Random Forest) *Misty, Ash, Pikachu, and Brock are walking along* Brock: My girl-sensing sense is tinglin'! See ya! Misty: He's pathetic! Ash: Misty, uh, I don't know how tho ask you this but... Voice: Good! Another one! *The weird ball appears above Misty and she vanishes.* (The Amazon) (Tam Tam & Cham Cham's hut) Cham Cham: *From another room* Look! Brother! Paku Paku and I make banana cake! *Comes around corner with a cake roughly the size of a small garbage can* *urgh!* a little heavy though! *the ball appears.* Oh! Look at funny ball! *she disappears.* Tam Tam: Whoever take sister shall pay! *eyes banana cake* But first... (future) *Kristina X and her half-brother Kage Y cower behind junk pile with laser fire firing around them. The ball appears, and... you guessed it, they disappear* (Koholint Island, Marin's house) *Link is tossing and turning in a bed and then wakes up* Link: *thinking* Huh? where am I? *sees Marin* Whoohoo! Marin: What A relief! I thought you'd never wake up! You were tossing and turning... Link: *thinking* It's that dream again! Better play along! *To Marin* Z-zelda?! Marin: What? Zelda? No, my name's Marin! You must still be feeling a little woozy. Link: *to himself* And that ain't all! Boo-yah! * the ball appears, and Link is gone.* (Mypros island) (Random Slayer-style Pub/Inn) Zelgadis: So this is the island, huh? Lina: Yes, It was in pretty bad shape when Naga and I came here! Amelia: Oooooh! Gourry: Who's Naga? Lina: *pointing to a dark shadowy corner* Her! *Naga starts laughing* Zelgadis: Aaggh! The annoying laughter! The errant jiggling! <(((__o))> *Zel goes to hit Naga, but the ball appears, making Zel disappear, leaving Naga puzzled.* Naga: uhhh... OHOHOHOHO...*Ad nauseum* Xelloss: Personally, I kinda like her... for a woman! ^__^ Voice: That's all I need! Lina: Rouddy?!... (Satellite Of Anime Peace, a place that looks like the Tenchi Muyo temple in a huge glass dome.) *Lara, Tenshi, and Akurei land in a heap, Kristina X, Kage Y, and Misty appear in a poof of pink smoke, and Zelgadis, Cham Cham and Link fall through a portal.* Zel: What IS this place?! Cham Cham: Where am I? Why are the walls and ground made of steel? Why is the sky all glassy and black? How did my grammar improve so suddenly? *A sign appears behind them that says "This way to Maison d' Ken, Brain Center of the SOAP. Kristina X: Look! A sign! Let's follow it! Maybe we can find some insight on our situation! (inside SOAP bridge) *Characters in various areas on the bridge.* Zelgadis: Doesn't look like much! Cham Cham: Hey! What's this button do? Everyone else: NO! DON'T PUSH.. *She pushes it, and a huge vidwindow pops up* (Dark Place) Dark Shadowy Figure: Greetings, my sickeningly sweet Guinea Pigs! I am simply known as Dark Shadowy Figure, because it sounds just so damn cool! My plan is to... (SOAP) Lara: *bored sounding* ...is to force us to watch fanfics until you find the one that drives us crazy and then unleash it on the world so it'll be in your control. (Dark Place) Dark Shadowy Figure: Yep! However I just plan mostly on driving you insane! Then maybe later, I'll take over the world. *Dr. Evil Laugh(tm)* I might as well introduce you to my underlings. First we have evil Nakoruru and Rezo, The Red Priest! Rezo: Hello Grandson! (SOAP) Zelgadis: But how?! I thought me 'n' my friends killed you AND your copy! (Dark Place) Rezo: Plot device, Zel, plot device! Dark Shadowy Figure: And last but not least... TEAM ROCKET! Anyway, Just because I was gonna do it anyway, I'm sending the first fanfic! Push the button, Nakoruru! (SOAP) *lights & klaxons* Link: Oh, poopies! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically Door 5: Usagi & C-ko sit on a couch watching "Titanic". You barely make it out without drowning in the resulting tears. Door 4: It's Lucille from Samurai Pizza Cats! Link makes a rude comment, and you avoid the Macross-style onslaught of missiles. Door 3: It's a drawbridge. It slowly opens, the rusty squeak slowly driving you insane. Door 2: It's Kirby! You beat the smeg out of him before going on. Door 1: It's a wall! One of Lucille's stray missiles blasts an opening. Seated left to right: Lara, Link, Cham Cham, Misty, and Zelgadis.* >Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development Cham Cham: Or, "How to Make RPG's severely Suck". >by Stephen Gohan All: MASENKO! >Many tragedies such as that of the trenchcoat mafia occur far too often in this >country. More people die from gunshots in the states than many European countries >combined. Why does this happen? Lara: 'Cause Stone Cold said so?! Cham Cham: Because a knife don't shoot bullets?! >The cause is simpler than you might think: console-based role-playing games, and >their characteristics. All: Say WHAT?!? Link: Wow, someone's been hitting the rum candy again! >I will identify and attack their characteristics one by one. Zelgadis: So, he's a ninja? >1) realism and FMV. This definitely has to go. Misty: Gee. I guess He'd better stop playing video games altogether, then! >Why were RPGs originally invented? Cham Cham: To give Otaku something to do?! To make lots of money?! >Imagination. Cham Cham: D'OH!!!! >What were the characteristics that made FF1 a classic, and favorite in the FF >series among many? Zelgadis: Maybe it was the fact that it one of the first RPGs to be released, brainiac! Misty: Don't talk to the screen, Zel. It's a sign of weakness! Zelgadis: Sorry! >Imagination and customization. Bad graphics forced us to fill in details and fine >points by ourselves, and the story was whatever we wanted it to be. Link: The DM willing... >The plain fact is, realistic graphics and FMV make us subconsciously identify the >game with reality itself whether we realize it or not,in much the same way >advertising subtly influences us to buy certain products no matter how much we >claim to be immune to it. *An ad for a popular pizza place flashes for a moment on the screen* Link: Dude, now I must get a pepperoni pizza. Zelgadis: Me too. WITH TRIPLE CHEESE! All: Mmmmm, Pizza!! >We just aren’t, and that’s the sad truth. Images of explosions, gunfire and death >that look overly realistic can and will subliminally influence just about anyone to >committ murderous acts, if too much exposure results. Link: Saaaaay.... *WHAM!* Ow... Lara: *putting away the Huge Squeaky Mallet (tm).* Link, NO HENTAI!! >Ineed, Misty: "Ineed"?!!? Need what? A girlfriend? A life? Castration?! Link: His spelling is worse than Cham Cham's is! Cham Cham: Yeah.... HEY!!! >FF7 alone was responsible for much death and malicious impulses in our society. Zelgadis: *Cheesy* Hey Lara, I'm gonna fight a big silvery-haired guy who just killed my girl, care to join me? Lara: *Cheesy* Nah, I'm gonna fight a ripoff of the Death Star in my airship! >Therefore, it is logical to conclude that all FMVs should be wiped from future >RPGs, and that graphics should be no more advanced than 16-bit. *Everyone facefaults* Link: *worried* He's_Joking....Isn't he?! Misty: That's a good joke, "16-bits"! Zelgadis: He better be joking! >This may sound impossible but with enough people I think we can make it happen. *everyone looks at each other* All: NAAAAAAH! >I can’t conceive of any less than 40% agreeing with me on this after my evidence >presented. *All look confused* Lara: WHAT evidence? Link: I think he failed math horribly! >Realism is evil. Zelgadis: Whew, I'm glad WE'RE not real! Lara: Me too! Link: Amen to THAT! >2) Character development. Misty: -kicks ASS! >This has become a scourge among RPGs that rapidly spoil RPG players, turning them >into sloth-like plot freaks who care nothing about gameplay and only want to be >told a story or shown a movie, like babies. Link: Y'know, I don't remember any RPGs being exactly "Teletubbies go to camp".... Lara & Cham Cham: TELETUBBIES!??!? EEEEEVIIILLLLLL!!!!!!! Morgan Carolsfeld & Tim Nault (over speaker): ANUS?! UGH! Misty: Whatever that was from... Link: That's from "Internet Sluts! *Everyone looks at him funny* >They want to sit back, control as little as possible, fight as few battles and >traverse as few dungeons as possible, and just let everything be controlled(this is >why Xenogears was the worst thing ever to be released for any system in terms of an RPG). Lara: WHAT?!? Urge to kill... rising... and talking... like Shatner... >What causes this? Link: Lack of parental control! Lara: So that's why you're screwed up? Link: Yep! >Story derived from excessive character development. >Characters should be left customizable blank slates for the PLAYER TO FILL IN, >COLOR AND DEVELOP TO HIS OWN STANDARDS; IMAGINATION SHOULD BE USED. Lara: Isn't that how RPGs are made in the first place? Zelgadis; WHAT DID YOU SAY? ALL THAT YELLING MADE ME DEAF! Link: WHAT?! WHO WANTS DECAF?! >Predefined character stories, especially as realistic as recent games, only add to >the subconscious idea of the player that these characters are real Lara: I don't get that feeling. Do you? *Chorus of Nope! Not Me's* >and can be seen as role models, Zelgadis: *Random Washed-up movie star* Don't do drugs, boys and girls! There's one to grow on! LinK: That is TOO true, man! I love you in a Non-homosexual manner, man! >and are to be emulated in society. LinK: Hey, Emulators are COOL, man! Don't knock 'em! *ed's note: the opinions of Link are not the same as the author's* *CRASH!* What the... Where'd that come from?! Lara: Congrats! We've just succeeded in breaking the fourth wall! >You are not immune to this influence, people. YOU ARE NOT. Link: QUIT_YELLING, MAN!!!! >I study advertising and its effects on the mind, *All are waiting for the evidence to back up his point* >and these predefined character personalities are nothing more than a very subtle >form of advertising. What do they advertise? Voilence, Lara: *Molly* Oy think oy'm gonna keel ovah! >mass murder and going against the will of God by destroying his own servants, the >angels. That’s right, how many times has an angel been the final boss of a FF game? Link: Well, Sepheroth was a FALLEN angel... Does that count? Lara: *Dot Warner* Angel? Where? He's_dreamy! NOT! *CRASH!* Curse it! >At least twice. I assure you, this is a sick joke created by selfish atheists who >are making fun of Christianity. But that’s somewhat beside the main point, so I >won’t go off on that tangent. All: Horray!!!! *All run towards the exit, but get blown back by an invisible force-field* Voice: Sit Ubu, sit! Good dog! >If character story and development is left to the imagination alone, the ideas will >remain in the player’s head(being forged by the player himself, of course) and >won’t be strong enough to influence him to commit murder or anything. Lara: *cheezy* I know what he means. After playing Kirby for an hour, I wanted to inhale everything I saw! >That is why it is so essential that RPGs go back to the old ways Link: *Old man* In my day, we had to go uphill both ways and in our pajamas, BAREFOOT fighting DRAGONS just to rescue a princess and we liked it, dagnabbit! >of the player creating his own character from his own mind, and >eliminate prefedined character personalities as soon as >possible. I fail to see how that many people can disagree with me >here, whether or not they’re willing to admit it right now. Zelgadis: *old master* You fail to see because your mind is weak. Link: *Student* But, Master, if the mind is weak, doesn't that mean physical strength will also fail? Zelgadis: *old master* Yes, My son. Captain Ginyu learned that the hard way. Now try and take this pebble from my palm..... Link: Dude, your whole HAND is a pebble! Zelgadis: Quiet you! >Think it over, people. Just think. *All make like they are straining to think.* Cham Cham: Can't...Do....it!! >3) Female roles in RPGs. Link: *turning to Zelgadis* Let's move!! *they quickly three rows back and peek over the tops of the chairs* >I’ll only touch briefly on this topic. Link: *from back of the room* Saaaay..... >Females shouldn’t be given roles that men are supposed to have. Misty, Lara and Cham Cham: W-W-WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!? >Tifa is an example of this. Women should be kept as healers or magic users Lara: *Wayne* Garth, do you smell bacon? Misty: *Garth* Yes, Wayne, I do most definately smell some kind of pork product! >and not be scantily clothed, Misty: Hey! I can maneuvere a whole lot better when I wear my bikini! Zelgadis & Link: *From back of room* Saaaay..... >or it sets a bad example for society. Women shouldn’t be beating things up, they >should be keeping back and healing the male warriors who protect them. Cham Cham: *Mr. Rogers* Can you say "Redneck" children? I knew you could! >It just doesn’t fit right any other way, Link: Saaa- Ah, forget it!! >despite all these modern feminist movements. All Girls: Girl Power! GIRL POWER!! GIRL POWER!!! Zelgadis & Link:... 0__o;;; >This may anger some female game players, Lara: He wins a prize! >but hey, just how many girls play games? Not many. Lara: I know plenty who would be GLAD to point out your mistake! Misty: Lara, do you have some kind of Nuke virus on a disk? Lara: Yes... why do you ask? Misty: Oh, no particular reason *starts whistling* >So their opinion, while I guess it should still be considered, Cham Cham: Yes, you'd better mention it, Chauvinist Pig! >is far less important. If I’m wrong, let’s see them tell me I’m wrong, right here. Cham Cham: THAT'S IT!!!! *throws boomerang at screen and it gets shredded with a shower of sparks and flames* Take THAT, baka!! *screen repairs itself* Misty: Feel better? Cham Cham: Much! Zelgadis: *Link and Zelgadis have returned to their original seats and Zel is >looking on the back of the screen* Hmmm, It says "Made by Zentraedi Labourers" on the back of the screen! *sees glares from other members* What?! Misty: Only a couple of die-hard fans of the Robotech series and readers of the books will get that one! Zelgadis: ...and your point is?! >That’s really it. All: Boo-yaaah! >I know a great many of you are secretly with me All: WE'RE NOT! >and ashamed to admit it, so speak out. And for those of you against me, I dare you >to even try and rebut every single one of my points. Zelgadis: And what points would those be?! >It may seem easy, but in the end I doubt you’ll get far. All: *cough*bulls#!t!*cough* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (back in SOAP brain centre) *the five are looking at the image of the Dark Place residents* (Dark Place) Dark Shadowy Figure: So, my little Guinea Pigs, how did you like that? (SOAP) LinK: Not bad! Needed Ketsup, though! Lara: Yeah, and the author has obviously never had or will ever HAVE a girlfriend! (Dark Place) Dark Shadowy Figure: Hmm, that's a shame. Just know, that was not the last one! Your friends have gone to sleep I see! Ah, well! It is just as well... they'll get their chance at a later date... Nakoruru! Push the button! *meanwhile, on another part of SOAP, a barely audible clicking sound and mumbling can be heard. As it gets closer to a closet, the clicking and chanting is louder. The door flies open...* Happosai Kodama: *chanting* What a haul! What a haul! What a haul! FWOOOOSH! ==================================================================================== episode 1: Why RPG's Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development Quote 'o' The Day: >Imagination and customization. Bad graphics forced us to fill in details and fine >points by ourselves, and the story was whatever we wanted it to be. Link: The DM willing... Oh, just a gentle reminder that my E-mail address is ken_chanx@hotmail.com! Send Fanfics, Jokes, Quotes, notes of your undying love, Flames (uh... on second thought...)