Legal Stuff 'n' such Mystery Science Theatre 3000 & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. all other characters and likenesses are owned by their respectable owners. Please don't sue me! I'm poorer than dirt! Ken's Notes: Oh, look! Another thing by Mr.Gohan! Goody! Let's do this! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last Time: (Dark Place) Dark Shadowy Figure: Hmm, that's a shame. Just know, that was not the last one! Your friends have gone to sleep I see! Ah, well! It is just as well... they'll get their chance at a later date... Nakoruru! Push the button! *meanwhile, on another part of SOAP, a barely audible clicking sound and mumbling can be heard. As it gets closer to a closet, the clicking and chanting is louder. The door flies open...* Happosai Kodama: *chanting* What a haul! What a haul! What a haul! *opening song* In the not to distant future, (Who cares just when!) A guy kidnaps some characters And decides just then... (Zoinks!) Dark Shadowy Figure: I'll send 'em cruddy fanfics! The worst that I can find! (Nakoruru & Rezo: Lalala!) Then we'll see how long They keep their lil' minds (Team Rocket: Lalala!) Now remember, even Zelgadis can't control when the stories come. He's just gonna take another 'zac (... and maybe anot'r Tum!) MST'er ROLL CALL! Kristina X!: (Blaster Beeeam!) Tenshi!: (You are forgiven!) Akurei!: (Suffer, Bill Gates!) Happosai!: (Watta Haul!) Kage Y!: (Encyclopedia!) If you're asking how they eat 'n' breathe And, uh, other types of stuff, Calm yourself, put down that bottle 'o' Jolt, And kick back in the buff (eep!), For MST Ripoff 2K! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- *The bridge of SOAP* *Link and Zelgadis are arguing* Zelgadis: ...And I say that you're a girl! Link: That's not true! I'm a guy! Zelgadis: Oh yeah? Well, explain the Megaton Hammer, or the fact that you seem to be able to carry all that stuff with no visible backpack or sack! You've got Malletspace, fella! Link: But, but... I can prove I'm a guy! *Starts tugging down his tights* Zelgadis: Uh oh, we gotta go for a quick commercial! *Hits a grey button* Announcer: Does your Meowth seem finicky? Is your Persian more fussy over what he should eat than a snoozing Snorlax? No problem! Get your sweet, lovable kitty-type pokemon a bag of.... *Closeup shot of a bag and a meowth eating from a bowl* NEW MEOWTH MIX!(tm) Bad Actor: Yessir! Ever since I bought NEW MEOWTH MIX(!)(tm), my Persian has stopped trying to eat my prize Pidgies and my Rattata. Announcer: Yes! Buy the food that Meowths everywhere ask for by name! *The Meowth that was eating suddenly grabs Announcer by lapels* Meowth: Gimme some more !@#$ MEOWTH MIX, or it's your life, greaseball! Zelgadis: *grumble* *to link* I still think your a bit feminine! *To audience* To fill you in, Link proved he_IS, indeed, a guy. However, *Beaming* just as he was proving it, all the girls wandered in! *He leaves, laughing maniacally* Lara: Oh, Liii~iink! You can use your Hookshot on me anytime! ^.^-<3 Link: ulp! *He runs away with Lara, Cham Cham and Misty in hot pursuit. Tenshi, Akurei and Kristina X are the only ones in the room* Akurei: Whoo! That sure was a great substitute for my morning coffee! Kristina X: Man, he was HUNG! Oops! This thing is supposed to be PG at least! *sound of fourth wall crashing in the distance* Tenshi: Please stop! It was quite embarassing for the poor guy... mind you, that sure woke me up. By the by, have you guys seen any of my underwear? I couldn't find any in my drawer and Lara swore that she'd done all the laundry. And I barely had any sleep thanks to that weird clicking sound in my room. Akurei: Now that you mention it, I couldn't find any either! And I thought MY room was the only one who had that clicking sound. I was going to complain to the Dark Place people, but I doubt they'd do anything.... Kristina X: Y'know, I couldn't find any either, and neither did Lara or Misty. Cham Cham was okay, but she doesn't wear any! And the funny thing is... we all heard some sort of clicking last night and some kind of chant too... *Kage Y walks in with something wriggling in a sack* Kage Y: I found our little thief! You guys can relax, now! *Dumps out the sack. Out pops a creature that has the appearance of one of the Kodamas from Princess Mononoke, but has Happosai's hair* Happosai Kodama: Whhhaaat aa haaaaul!.... *Kage splashes it with warm water* Happosai: Wh-what happened? All I remember is meeting those weird kids and being caught in some kind of pokeball! Where AM I?? *Sees the girls looking at him warily* Whoo hoo! I'm in heaven! Kristina X: Shut up, you panty-stealing pervert! Tenshi: Yeah! Thanks to you, we have nothing to wear underneath! *Happosai grins* *A small sign reading INCOMING MESSAGE starts flashing* Akurei: Never mind that! Hsu and Chan are calling! *She pushes the button and a huge vidwindow pops up* (Dark Place) Dark Shadowy Figure: Gee, I'm almost flattered! Was that supposed to be an insult? (SOAP) Akurei: Nope! I'm just using whatever comes into me 'ead! (Dark Place) Dark Shadowy Figure: So I see! Ah! I see that your tenth member has been found! Oh, and you've cured him temporarily! Just don't throw any cold water on him and you won't go batty from all the clicking... Not that I care! Anyway, I have things to do, so I'll just give you your next torturous fanfic! It's another one by Steven Gohan! Enjoy! Push the button, Nakoruru! Nakoruru: Rodger Dodger! (SOAP) *lights & klaxons* Link: *over speaker* Oh, poopies! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically Door 5: Usagi & C-ko sit on a couch watching "Old Yeller". You barely make it out without drowning in the resulting tears. Door 4: It's Lucille from Samurai Pizza Cats! You try to sneak by, but you surprise her, and you avoid the Macross-style onslaught of missiles. Door 3: It's a drawbridge. It slowly opens, the rusty squeak slowly driving you insane. Door 2: It's Kirby! He has an uzi! You kick it out of his hand with ease. You then beat the smeg out of him before going on. Door 1: It's a wall! One of Lucille's stray missiles blasts an opening. Seated left to right: Kristina X, Akurei, Tenshi, Kage Y, Happosai* >A letter that's sure to get the old thinker in motion Kristina X: Dr. THINKER?! ARRRGHH! THE INCOHERENCY! >Back in the old days, there was purity. What is purity? Simplicity woven around >underlying complexity, like FF1. Kristina X: I kinda prefer Dragon Warrior, myself... > It involved a simple selection of strong male characters and one female white >mage, and all was good. Akurei: *Old Prophet* AND, LO, IT WAS SAID UNTO THE HUDDLED MASSES THAT THERE WOULD BE VAST AMOUNTS OF RPG GOODNESS! AND THE VILLAGERS REJOICED! All:*bored* yay! Kage Y: *snicker snicker* You said "Huddled Masses"! *WHAM!* >Everything worked beautifully. The characters were purer in their lack of >predefined story and thus inability to influence people to commit crimes while >attempting to emulate them. Kage Y: That's because emulators weren't even invented yet! >But most importantly, the atmosphere was in its purest, as there was nothing >sexually stimulating or unnecessarily arousing about it. All: Awww, man! Akurei: What would be the fun in that? I mean, two guys and a girl? There's BOUND to be some sexual tension... Tenshi:... Unless the guys were gay! Akurei: True! *Thwack! Thwakam! Thwap! Thwip!* Thwip?! Kristina X: *putting away Lara's Squeaky Mallet of Doom(tm)* I knew this would come in handy! Kage Y: Why'd you hit me 'n Happosai too? It was *indicating Tenshi and Akurei* them who said it! Kristina X: Yours is not to wonder why! >Women were well-clothed healers, and nothing more. Kage Y: Well, duh! The programmers only had a ten by ten square to work with, brainiac! Tenshi: Don't talk to the screen! It's a sign of weakness! >And thus they should remain. Tenshi: Well, I can agree with the well-clothed bit... >Why? Because this way, women don't take on the roles of men that by all laws of >nature are stronger and more suited to tasks such as fighting and killing. Kage Y: *to Happosai* I'm moving to the back row. Care to join me? Happosai: Sure! *They bolt to the back of the theatre, and peek over the top of the chairs* Tenshi: Beg your pardon? Baking Powder? Kristina X: You know, the guys that grunt, scratch their crotches and point at things they want. >I know some of you may be screaming liberal spittle at me All: *screaming* LIBERAL SPITTLE!! >about equal rights but face it. Women were meant to do the gentle work, men were >meant to do the hard and brainless tasks. As much as we conform to political >correctness and deny this, we know in our hearts it isn't true. *the music from Titanic begins to play over the speaker* Kristina X: NO TITANIC REFERENCES!! BLAAASTER BEEEEAAAM! *Blows up speaker... It magically returns* Akurei: *tears in her eyes* You're so mean!! >Look how different women are from men. Kristina X: Just what we need right now... A sex ed. lesson! >Women, if taking on men's roles, will enter evil and sinful sensual influence into >the scenario. Akurei: They will? >They can't be trusted to perform men's roles, and should never be allowed to wear >anything other than soft, noble looking cloths. Kristina X: What constitutes a cloth as being noble? >Their primary ask is to heal and purify the male warriors, and it should remain >that way. Akurei: *Wayne* Do you smell bacon? Tenshi: *Garth* Yes! I do most definitely smell a pork product of some kind! Kristina X: Guys! The others used that joke LAST time! Tenshi: So? Happosai: *From back of the room, still* What's a primary ask? >What do you think would happen if you placed a bunch of women in a party alone and >send them on a quest? Kristina X: Uh... they would get something ACTUALLY done and not mess up? Akurei: And perhaps convert the bad guy. All: Huzzah! >They'd find some silly way to feel sympathy or fall in love with the enemy, either >falling head over heels about his big muscles or being charmed by his wit or >plight, or feel sorry for him. Tenshi: And what problem with that is...? Kristina X: Yeah! Exactly! No blood, no gore, no killings... *dreamily* Mmmm! Sepheroth can impale me with his sword anytime! Tenshi: 0.o;; Now THAT would be a disturbing image!! >And don't tell me some of you don't know in your hearts that that's true. All: We won't! >I am a devout Japanese-americanized Christian, and for women to take on such seedy >roles as in FF6 and FF7 is a sin beyond anything. Tenshi: Amen to that! But surely, not ALL RPG girls are THAT bad... sure, getting them angry would be like putting rifle bullets in a blender and turning it on to "Liquify", but, hey, they can be quite lovable! Kage Y:... Like Tifa! Mmmmm! Soft and mushy! >In the heart of the heart of decency, Kage Y: Damn! My CD player was skipping again! >I ask how so many young people can tolerate this. Lara: *over speaker* I'd say it's years and years of desensitization! >In the old days, there were many more women like Aeris. She was beautiful, she was >perfection. Kage Y: *Kage and Happosai have retuned to their seats* *sigh* Then they all disappeared off the face of the earth. Now all we have are... Kristina X: *brandishing Dragon Warrior-style Club +4* Watch it, bro! Kage Y: Uh, even better ones! Yeah! That's the ticket! >How can it be that women like Aeris are brutally murdered, Akurei: Does this guy even KNOW the story line of FF7?! She's an Ancient, the only one that stands between Sepheroth's quest to rule the world! Besides, It's only a video game! Kage Y: Don't talk to the screen! It's a sign of weakness! >and women like Tifa with large chests, few clothes and few brains are promoted and >allowed to live? Kristina X: NOT SMART? Where does he get off?? To me she sure seems to have a couple of brain cells in that skull of hers. >I know a great deal of you sympathize with Aeris, and I say if you want more >characters like her to fall on good fortune, Akurei: *Opens a fortune cookie* "This is a load of sexist crap!" Amazing how they seem to know... >you should stand with me. Kage Y: That was a stupid movie! >Put aside your disgust, your political correct masks, and stand with me. Akurei: Aw, but I like my policical correct mask!! Kage Y: *The Mask* Sssssmokin'! >On one hand, let's be honest. The "female" characters that have been appearing and >even starring in games lately, and this certainly isn't confined to RPGs alone, >have taken on the fighting roles once reserved to men, because in all honesty men >are the grunt laborers of the planet. Krisina X: If they're the laborers, explain childbirth. Tenshi: You'll have to ask Adam & Eve about that one... >Characters like Tifa, Lara Croft, and so many others I can't even begin to name >them, are in a way nothing more than men with superidealistic female bodies. All: WHAT THE HECK....?!!!? Kage Y: That made absolutely NO SENSE! >However, and there is always a however, Akurei: Awww, man! How come there ALWAYS has to be a However?! >as technology changes the face of the planet and former cultural boundaries and >roles fade away, women can and have successfully taken on the roles once reserved >solely to men. All the Girls: YER DARN TOOTIN'!!!! >What's to say that a woman couldn't become a martial arts expert? Akurei: Nobody but you and all your Chauvinistic buddies, boyo! >What's to say that a woman couldn't become highly proficient with weaponry? >This is an argument of many layers, it is. All: Mmmm! Devils Food!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *back in SOAP brain centre* Kristina X: That was an interesting experience! Kage Y: Don't you mean "EXP."? Kristina X: hush up! *the small sign reading INCOMING MESSAGE starts flashing again* Akurei: Oops! Kelly, Rudy, Rich, Sean, and Sue are calling! *Pushes the button and the vidwindow pops up* (Dark Place) *Team Rocket, Nakoruru and Rezo are arguing over who gets to be who... though, nobody wants to be Rich.* Dark Shadowy Figure: Amusing! I liked that show! Though I didn't want that Rich to win! I would have prefered Rudy winning! *Starts grumbling to himself* Anyway, I see you made it out safely without going nuts! Tsk tsk! I suppose I should have expected it! (SOAP) *Link hobbles in, his clothing ripped, and he's covered in dirt. Link: *panting exaustedly* They caught me... Tore off... clothes... fondled... kinda liked it! *Faints* Akurei: O-key, that was odd! (Dark Place) Dark Shadowy Figure: Quite! Ta ta, my little guinea pigs! Push the button, Nakoruru! *On another part of the SOAP, Lara is madly packing a suitcase. On her computer is an E-mail from Mina Algetty* FWOOSH! ======================================================================= episode 1: Why RPG's Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development episode 2: Steven Gohan's letter to the GIA Quote 'o' The Day: >I am a devout Japanese-americanized Christian, and for women to take on such seedy >roles as in FF6 and FF7 is a sin beyond anything. Tenshi: Amen to that! But surely, not ALL RPG girls are THAT bad... sure, getting them angry would be like putting rifle bullets in a blender and turning it on to "Liquify", but, hey, they can be quite lovable! Kage Y:... Like Tifa! Mmmmm! Soft and mushy! Oh, just a gentle reminder that my E-mail address is ken_chanx@hotmail.com! Send Fanfics, Jokes, Quotes, notes of your undying love, Flames (uh... on second thought...)