Legal Stuff 'n' such Mystery Science Theatre 3000 & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. all other characters and likenesses are owned by their respectable owners. Please don't sue me! I'm poorer than dirt! Ken's Notes: Wow! A Slayers Fanfic done by a guy named Stephen Bachman! His style seems slightly similar to mine... I wonder why... Here we goooo! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (SOAP, outside the temple) *Vash and Ken-Chan X are walking along with Link and Zelgadis* Vash: So what IS this place? Link: Well, it seems to be some kind of weird satellite. Zelgadis: ... At least that's what it seems to be... Ken-Chan X: I still can't believe a place that I created actually EXISTS! Let alone the fact that characters I created live and breathe... Link: Believe it man! Vash: Say, what do call that dome? Zelgadis: The SOAP Bubble! *All giggle* Link: Hey, Zelgadis. Have you seen Happosai this morning? Zelgadis: Well, the girls found out that this place is an exact replica of the temple from Tenchi Muyo. Vash: So?... *realizes* Uh oh! *screams, splashing, and shouts of "Hentai" and Pervert" are heard.* (Meanwhile, inside the temple) *A portal opens up in Ken's room and out comes Ken's cat, Shadow!* Shadow: Mrwowr! *opening song* In the not to distant future, (Who cares just when!) A guy kidnaps some characters And decides just then... (Zoinks!) Dark Shadowy Figure: I'll send 'em cruddy fanfics! The worst that I can find! (Dan, Nakoruru & Rezo:Lalala!) Then we'll see how long They keep their lil' minds (Team Rocket: Lalala!) Now remember, even Zelgadis can't control when the stories come. He's just gonna take another 'zac (... and maybe anot'r Tum!) MST'er ROLL CALL! Lara!: (>sniffle< I'm lost!) Misty!: (GO, Starmie!) Ken-Chan X!: (Wasaaabi!) Zelgadis!: (... ...!) Liiiink!: (Oh, Woofnab!) If you're asking how they eat 'n' breathe And, uh, other types of stuff, Calm yourself, put down that bottle 'o' Jolt, And kick back in the buff (eep!), For MST Ripoff 2K! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (SOAP, the control room) *Ken-Chan X et al are berating Happosai* Ken-Chan X: ... And furthermore, Never EVER do that again! And YOU! *Turns towards Kage Y* Don't EVER encourage him to do that EVER again! Misty: And Krillin! Don't Double dare him!! Link: *to you* Just to bring you up to speed: Happosai, in an act of sheer cunningness, got Krillin and Kage Y to join him in a game of "Truth or Dare"... He was dared to go and steal the girls' towels, but just to make it seem that he wasn't at fault, he had to be double dared... *Lara comes up behind him* Lara: Who ya talkin' to? Link: *startled* Nobody!! um, um... COMMERCIAL! *pushes grey button* Voiceover: Coming soon to USITV (Unbelievably Stupid Idea Television), It's the new sitcom, Ash, Vash and Ash! Yes! the guy from the Evil Dead movies has teamed up with Vash the Stampede and Ash Ketchum for half an hour of fun-filled comedy! Evil Dead Ash: Groovy! Ash: Hey! Your name is Ash too! Hey! what happened to your hand? Got a little careless in housewares, huh? Hey! Other guy! Your name is Vash? Vash: Well, actually it's Vashu... Ash: Hey! Maybe you're a... COW-terpie! Evil Dead Ash: Lets get rid of him! Vash: Yes! It's our only chance for me to succeed in my mission for *finger thing* LOVE AND PEACE! Evil Dead Ash: *anime sweatdrop* uhh... whatever! Voiceover: Yes! Ash, Vash and Ash! coming soon to USITV! Evil Dead Ash: *offscreen* Who's laughing now, huh? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?! ME!! Link: Er, That was... enlightening... Vash: I was drunk when I did that! Link: Suuure! Misty: Surely Ash's puns aren't ALL that bad... Ken-Chan X: Yes, yes they are, Misty! *Shadow saunters in* Shadow?! Shadow: Myow?! Vash: ARRRGH! IT'S THAT CAT! *runs around the room screaming* Ken-Chan X: uhh, to those who didn't get that, watch at least two episodes of Trigun... you'll understand! Cham Cham: Ohhh! A cat! WAI! *all girls go over and cuddle Shadow* Ken-Chan X: He's a babe magnet... Link: ... unfortunately! Shadow: *anime sweatdrop* *Red light starts flashing* Link: Hey! Edge and Christian are calling! *pushes red button and the vidwindow pops up* (Dark Place) Rezo: I'll be Edge! Nakoruru: I'm Christian! Jesse: But I wanna be Christian! Wolfwood: *Up in the rafters somewhere* That can be arranged... James: I'll be Stephanie McMahon! *others facefault* (SOAP) Sakura: So, where's the "Big Guy"? (Dark Place) Nakoruru: He's... off giving Dan his patented Shojo Therapy! *Dan can be heard screaming in the next room, "The pink! The pink! Make it stop!"* Pity the poor bastard! Rezo: Anyway, the boss told us to send you this fanfic. It's called "Life Sucks!: A Slayers fic"! We hope you'll crack soon! (SOAP) Sakura: Won't work... Ken and Vash are ALREADY nuts! Vash & Ken-Chan X: yeah...HEY!! (Dark Place) Jesse: At any rate, here's your fic for the day! Push the button, Nakoruru! Nakoruru: Makin' it so! (SOAP) *lights & klaxons* Link: Oh, poopies! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically Door 5: Usagi & C-ko sit on a couch watching "Bambi". You barely make it out without drowning in the resulting tears. Door 4: It's Lucille from Samurai Pizza Cats! Link gives her flowers. She is happy! You avoid the Macross-style onslaught of missiles. Door 3: It's a drawbridge. It slowly opens, the rusty squeak slowly driving you insane. Door 2: It's Kirby! He's dressed as Ash from the Evil Dead movies! You snatch the shotgun and chainsaw out of his hands with ease. You then beat the smeg out of him before going on. Door 1: It's a wall! One of Lucille's stray missiles blasts an opening. Seated left to right: Lara, Link, Ken-Chan X, Misty, and Zelgadis* >Life sucks! Lara: ... Good title! >: A Slayers fic >By Stephen Bachman Ken-Chan X: *whispering to Link* That name sounds familiar... Link: *whispering to Ken* Isn't that that experimental pen name you used? Ken-Chan X: Oh, yeah! >I never dreamed that messing with one girl could cause so much trouble! Link: Tell me about it!... *WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM!* Interesting sound effect! Lara: *Putting away Broken Spanish Announcer's Table (tm)* Thank you! I learned it just the other day! >I was walking down a country road, looking for a target to pickpocket, when I saw >the motherlode... Misty: Now, now! That's no way to talk about your mother! >A small girl with blue, shoulder-length hair. Zelgadis: Sailor Mercury?! Baaaad idea! Ken-Chan X: It's Amelia, baka! Zelgadis: Ooooh! >She had a small sack hanging off of her belt that jingled slightly. She was wearing >a white outfit and she had some odd kind of wristbands on. Lara: Those are magical gauntlets, you fool!! >Smiling, I snuck up behind her and started to ease the bag from her belt... Link: Saaay... >"Hey, Whattaya think you're doing?!" said a female voice behind me. I turned around >and there was a young red-headed girl. She lacked breasts, I noted. Zelgadis: Yep, that would be Lina! >She was accompanied by a tall blonde haired man that was standing behind her sort >of protectively, a blonde-haired girl who was dressed up as a princess, some weird >girl with curly hair, and a tall sad-looking woman that looked at the blonde guy >lovingly, Ken-Chan X: Some party! Zelgadis: Yeah, and they can all whup your ass good! >and some weird-lookin' fella wearing a cloak over his face. The blonde seemed a bit >dense, and, as far as I could tell, the other guy was kind of nervous. Zelgadis: Me? Nervous?! That's just the caffeine! Ken-Chan X: So, you ENJOY the affliction I so lovingly refer to as Hurtling Colon (tm)? Zelgadis: not really... >"Uhh... well... I-I..." I stammered. The red-head raised her hand and started to >say some jibberish. I then realized that the red-head was a sorceress! Link: *Gameshow announcer* Bravo, idiot! You've not only angered one sorceress, you've also angered three other sorceresses, a swordsman, a demon, a dragon-half, and a Chimera that practices Shamanistic Magic! What're you gonna do now? Ken-Chan X: *thief guy* I'm gonna die a miserable death! >I tried to escape, but I was blasted by a ball of fire! All: ohhh! >o< Lara: And remember, children! Crime doesn't pay... especially when you have no skillz! >The other girl turned around. "Ms. Lina! What was this man doing to deserve such >treatment?" she whined. Link: It's... COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS GIRL! Misty: *Completely Oblivious Girl* Whaddaya MEAN I'm not wearing any clothes? >"He was trying to steal your gold, Amelia!" said the red-haired girl while the >blonde scratched his head. Link: Head and Shoulders, buddy... USE IT! >"Oh, he was, was he?!" she said turning around, her eyes ablaze, "Then he must be >punished!" She leapt to the top of a house. "You are the burned pancake on the >griddle of good, and I am the spatula of justice! On behalf of justice and all >things that are good you shall feel the wrath of I, Amelia, Princess of Seyruun!" Zelgadis: I must say, the author got Amelia down pat... including the usual speech! Ken-Chan X: The author thanks you! Zelgadis: Your welcome! >She then leapt off the roof... > >...And landed flat on her face! I was too injured to laugh. Lara: ... But we're not! *Whole theatre explodes with Loud, Boisterous Laughter (tm)* >"Amelia, why must you do those stupid speeches?" asked the man pulling his mask >off. (I saw why he wore it: His face was grey and all stoney) Ken-Chan X: Stay off the crack, children! >"And why must you climb up on high places to do them?" > >"Because it's dramatic, Zel-sama." She replied. Zelgadis: Yeah, story version of me! >"Please... don't call me that!" he said looking nervously around. I was then aware >that a man with black shoulder-length hair was suddenly standing behind the >stony-faced guy. Misty: *Gameboy text screen* Tentacruel used "Acid!" Link: *Tentacruel* Duuuuuude! >" Why? What's wrong with calling you that, Zel-sama? ^_^" The strange man asked. >"Aarrgh! Wh-what the?! Where'd you come from, Xelloss?" said Zelgadis, twirling >around. All: AAAAAARRRRRGGHHH! IT'S THE FRUITCAKE! >" Now that, is a secret!" replied Xelloss with a grin as he shook a finger. "Oh, >look what we have here! Another victim! ^_^" he added, referring to me. "So, >what're we going to do with him? Something painful, yes?" Link: Well, he IS a demon... therefore he feeds off pain... right? >" Well... I figured we'd taught him a lesson already, but that's up for >discussion..." They then went got into an arguement over what to do with me. Misty: *Lina* I say we tar and feather him! Zelgadis: Well, I say we lock him in a room with Xelloss! Link: *Xelloss* Sounds good to me! ^-^ Ken-Chan X: *Gourry* What are we talking about? Lara: *Sylphiel* Oh, my darling! You're so stupid! >As the discussion went on, I found out the blonde guy's name was Gourry, the Blonde >woman's was Filia, the curly-haired girl was named Martina and the tall woman was >Sylphiel. I realized that the red-haired girl was none other than Lina Inverse! And >to top it off, when Filia got angry, she sprouted a tail! I decided to quietly but >quickly get away. They never noticed I was gone. Lara: Consider yourself lucky! Now, if I were you, I'd forget about hiring that bosomy lady in the corner and go far away and start a farm and never pick pockets again! Ken-Chan X: Don't talk to the screen, Lara! It's a sign of weakness! Lara: Oops! Sorry! >I limped down the street and bumped into a woman wearing skin-tight leather and >she had huge, uh, Lara: Say it!... >eyes. Lara: *putting away Squeaky Mallet of Doom (tm)* Wuss! >She looked like she was a sorceress. She might be able to help me I foolishly >thought. "Please help me" Misty: ...Obi wan! You're my only hope! >I begged. > >" Sure will, in exchange for money!" she replied slyly. I handed over what I had >with me Link: tsk tsk! First he picks an underaged girl's pocket and then he hires a prostitute! >and she started to laugh... urgh! It almost drove me insane. Zelgadis: I know what you mean... the errant jiggling... brrr! >We returned to the place where the others were still arguing. "You'll pay for what >you did to me!" I shouted, "I went and hired a sorceress!" She started to laugh as >she came out of the shadows. Lara: Y'know, this sounds like the beginning of the first Slayers Movie! Ken-Chan X: Gee, I wonder why... >"Ohohohoho! So, we meet again Lina!" > >"Aww, buggers! It's Naga the Serpent!" muttered Lina. Ken-Chan X: Have you heard the rumor about Naga? Zelgadis: No. What about her? Ken-Chan X: She's supposedly Amelia's long-lost older sister... that's the rumor, anyway... Zelgadis: *pause* I can see that being possible! *shiver* > >"Who?" puzzled Gourry. > >"So, yet another clueless bandit hired you, huh Naga?" said Lina "Guess I'll have >to explain the situation to you!" So she went over and whispered in Naga's ear. >Naga stood up and looked at me. I felt worse doom than I ever felt before just >then. Link: Yeah... if I had FIVE sorceresses, a swordsman, a demon, a dragon-half, and a Chimera that practices Shamanistic Magic after my ass, I'd crap my tights too! >What happened next is too horrible to explain, except it involved goats, tight >leather pants doused in water, massive fireballs and chocolate pudding. Zelgadis: Looks like they opted for locking him in a room with Xelloss... >So here I lie in a hospital, covered in bandages. That's it man! When I heal I'm >gonna become a dragon trainer! That way I won't get hurt! All: *pause* Say WHAT?! >The End *all get up to leave* >Steve's notes: My first fanfic! It's a bit odd... But, hey! The Slayers series is >weird! Zelgadis: Is not! >Ja Ne! All: Ja ne! *Lara turns off the light* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Back in the SOAP control room) *The girls are playing Truth or Dare with Happosai* Lara: Okay, Happosai! You chose dare... we dare you to... not steal our underwear for a week! Happosai: ooo-kay!... *big grin* *Two hours later...* *Exterior shot of SOAP* Lara: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FWOOSH! =========================================================================== episode 1: Why RPG's Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development episode 2: Steven Gohan's letter to the GIA episode 3: Doubleheader: The Anime Night Before Christmas and The Anime Geek Table Squad Meet Ranma 1/2 episode 4: The Anime Fight of the Century episode 5: Life Sucks!: A Slayers fic Quote o' the Day: >"Please... don't call me that!" he said looking nervously around. I was then aware >that a man with black shoulder-length hair was suddenly standing behind the >stony-faced guy. Misty: *Gameboy text screen* Tentacruel used "Acid!" Link: *Tentacruel* Duuuuuude! Oh, just a gentle reminder that my E-mail address is ken_chanx@hotmail.com! 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