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It doesn't take much at all sometimes. I could be sitting at my desk , bored out of my mind and the glas is just sitting there. Staring at me. Taunting me. It's already got blood on it from the last time. I just have nothing better to do. My wrist is healing pretty good too. It's about time to do it again anyways. If I wait too long then it will just mean I do it alot more the next time. Now's a good time to do it anyways. I have nothign else to do, everyone's sleeping, the music is pretty upsetting, and I really want to. I'm getting pretty upset right now. That's weird because nothing has happened today. I have been having a pretty good day. Why am I crying? It's not a sad song. Just another suicide song. I don't want to kill myself. There's still a glimmer of a future out there for me. Dammit. Why am I upset. I hate this. I hate my life. I'm so alone. I feel so lonely. No one is awake to talk to, and I don't want to wake anyone up. I'm so pissed right now. What did I ever do to deserve this? GOD DAMMIT! I HATE THIS!!! Where's the glass? Right in front of me. No. I don't want to cut. Please, brain, take over. Why can't I stop this? My hand is just picking up the glass. Put it down. I don't want to cut. Look at my wrist. It's just starting to get better. More tears. I have no control anymore. How did I get here? Why am I looking at myself?I'm scrunched in a ball in the corner just watching me in my desk chair. I'm watching me stare at the glass in my hand.I'm watching me take that glass to my wrist. I watch me cut. I watch me drag that glass through my wrist. I am too afraid to stand up and grab it away. What would happen? I just keep watching. I watch the blood flow out. I watch me keep cutting. Right through those new cuts. Slowly. And with such concentration. I watch the blood. But I feel no pain. I wonder if the other me does. I wonder if one of me feels that pain. This should hurt. It's not very deep but i'm bleeding. This should hurt. I've only watched me do three cuts.But that's not enough. I need more blood and I need it now. Theres so much hurt inside me that I need to cut. This slow cutting isnt working very well.... I just start almost scribbling with the glass on my arm.It's not long and slow anymore. I am just scrathing my skin a lot but over and over in one spot so fast that it bleeds. It bleeds a lot.... there's a lot of cuts now. The hurt is released. I'm back. I'm no longer scrunched in the corner watching myself, I am holding the glass. I am looking at my wrist. I am looking at the blood forming into little droplets and just sitting there. Starting to clot. I am sitting there watching as my hurt is sealed up again. The hurt that I worked so hard to release didn't have enough time to get out. It will just have to wait until next time i guess. My arm is all red and burning. I am still holding the glass in my hand. But i can control my arm now. I put the glass down. I want to throw it out. But I can't. I can't get myself to pick it up and walk it over to the garbage pail. What if I need it again? I'll just put it down on mydesk then, just in case. My arm is really burning. I should go wash it. Why did I do this? I am so angry with myself. I didn't need to. Nothing bad happened. DAMMIT. Why am I such an idiot? I wish I could just stop. Why can't I? This is ridiculus. I am hopeless. How am I going to quit if I cut over nothing? Why did I just do that? Look at my arm... What the hell did I do that for? Every cut tells a story, but these; I have no reason for them. I'm an idiot. I hate myself. If my arm wasn't hurting so much right now I'd be cutting this anger out of me too. Dammit. Why do I do this to myself? Why? Oh my, I can't believe it's been three hours already. What happened? Where did that time go? I wasn't cutting for that long was I? This is weird. It's so late. I should go wash my arm now............ The water is red. But the bleeding has stopped. Boy, without all that blood, my arm doesn't look all that bad. I didn't cut as much as I should have. Next time I'll make up for it. There's always a next time. I should probably clean all this up I guess. Hide that glass so no one comes and takes it away. I'll wrap my arm up in gauze again. And nobody will know what i have done. I feel much better now. I wonder how long I could go before I cut again. Think I could make it longer then a week? Maybe 2 weeks? hmmmmmm, maybe that was the last time. It wasn't very good for being the last time. Aren't you suppose to go out with a bang? Why did I have no one to talk to? I need somebody at all times. Like a babysitter. I'm so stupid I need a bloody babysitter. God, look at what I've stooped too. This is insane. This is not who I am. But then who am I? If this is a huge part of my life, should it not therefore be a small part of who I am? Is this what I have become? I hate myself. I am so stupid. I am such an idiot. I am an idiot. |
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