| Goodness
gracious
SUSAN LONG has gone to Sydney, Helsinki and Osaka in search
of the social graces that make up a world-class city. She found
fervent fair-mindedness in Australia, even-tempered egalitarianism
in Finland, and service with a smile in Osaka. To wrap up her series,
she takes a searching look at Singapore's manners and mannerisms
AT THE Nottingham town centre, a woman laden with shopping bags
and a baby in a stroller struggled to board the bus.
After fumbling for change for a few minutes, she said contritely:
"I'm terribly sorry, I haven't the right change. I'll take another
bus."
But before she could alight with her baby, several passengers
had risen and erupted with words like: "Don't be silly, I'll pay
for your fare. Let me help you with your things."
With a grateful look, she took a seat.
Sitting at the back of the bus, Dr Tan Chi Chiu was dumbstruck
by the kindness shown by perfect strangers.
"I knew at once," says the gastroenterol ogist and executive director
of the Singapore International Foundation, "that this was a community
I was going to enjoy living in".
And indeed throughout his three years working and living in Nottingham,
he was continually impressed by the friendly disposition of the
British Midlanders.
Breaking the ice by exchanging pleasantries, he discovered, was
a way of life there.
"I could always have a pleasant chat with the supermarket checkout
girl, the bank teller or news agent.
"I could make friends easily across the socio-economic and educational
spectrum. I felt that I could have lived there forever,'' he waxes
lyrical.
Coming home was a dampener.
When he continued his habit of greeting people, he was faced with
awkward silences or looks that variously said "Are you mad?" or
"Who do you think you are, talking to me?"
Soon he gave up.
Consider the experience of Singapore's Miss Manners Raelene Tan,
an Australian who has made her home here and a career out of teaching
Asian and Western etiquette.
She moved into a Jurong West HDB flat recently, and she is anxious
to make friends in her new neighbourhood.
But so far, most of her greetings have been ignored. A return
smile is the exception.
"I am still persevering, but admit to feeling fazed at the blank,
uncomprehending, faces," she says dismally.
Being neighbourly is a start to building a gracious society but
somehow, she notes, casual social interaction is almost taboo here.
Observes Dr Tan, whose foundation organises overseas community
service projects for youths: "Most people are shy, reticent and
uncomfortable with new acquaintances.
"This translates into apparent coldness and standoffishness."
It is an urban symptom perhaps, and sociologists say that city-dwellers
are getting increasingly insular.
Almost by habit, Singaporeans draw smaller boundaries of people
they care for, reducing their fold of friends and family to a manageable
level and closing themselves off to unnecessary entanglement.
As a result, Mrs Tan says, living here has become an impersonal
frosty business.
The general lack of social graces could stem from lack of interaction
with others outside the fold. It is difficult to care for those
you don't know.
Another reason why Singaporeans erect self-protective barriers
could be physical overcrowding, which will get worse when Singapore
packs in 5.5 million bodies by 2040.
"When personal space is invaded so regularly, the only psychological
defence is to withdraw from others," says Dr Tan.
Another modern-day malady afflicting Singaporeans is self-absorption,
says the chairman of the Singapore Kindness Movement, Mr Noel Hon.
"We think too much of ourselves. There is no place for others,"
he laments.
A troubling worldview exists here that one only needs to be civil
to one's equals, superiors, friends or family members, and to hell
with the rest of the world.
Most Singaporeans, he says, are programmed to respect their higher-ups,
but not vice-versa.
"Although it is important to be nice to the boss, it is more important
for the boss to be kind to the people below him," says the managing
director of NEC Singapore.
Consideration should work two ways and be based on mutual respect,
he says.
"Everyone should feel there is dignity in his job and do his best
because he is serving a social purpose."
In Western countries, Nominated MP Zulkifli Baharuddin points
out, everyone, deserving or otherwise, is addressed respectfully
as Sir.
Here, he says wryly, it only happens in McDonalds' TV ads. "At
the end of the day, we need to feel respected as a person, personally
and sincerely."
Well, it does not quite work that way here.
One reason, in the view of WyWy Group conglomerate chairman Wong
Yip Yan, is Singapore's maid-centric child care arrangement.
"If our young are brought up shouting instructions to maids, never
taught to say Thank You and Sorry to them, it becomes a habit that
remains with them through adulthood."
It also gives rise to THEM, the second-tier serving class of society
which seemingly does not merit civil treatment.
Hence, the lesson that is proving the toughest for Singaporeans
to learn is respecting the person for himself. "Not his birth certificate,
his school, his social standing or his rank," he says.
Asked what he wishes Singaporeans would do better, People's Association
executive director Ong Keng Yong says: "It will be great if our
neighbours and children can think how their uncivic actions affect
other people. Like leaving used disposable cups or soda cans wherever
they sit bus stops, park benches, MRT train floors and theatre seats."
Others bemoan how basic consideration for others is sorely lacking.
People walk blithely through swinging doors, letting it fly back
in the face of the person just behind, even though it costs nothing
to hold it for a second longer. At MRT stations, people charge bull-like
without giving those inside the trains a chance to alight.
In shopping malls, families and groups throng and chat around
entrances and passageways, oblivious to others. According to Ms
Tan, the simple act of walking on the correct side of the pavement
the left would make life easier for everyone, especially in congested
areas.
And although Singapore is celebrated as one of the cleanest cities
in the world, sociologist Tan Ern Ser says it is because of the
efficient cleaners and stiff fines, rather than conscientious citizens.
"Maybe if we can afford to risk the bad publicity, we should have
a day in which cleaning workers only remove garbage from bins and
let litter on pavements, bus stops, void decks lie right where they
are," he suggests. "This may wake Singaporeans up.''
Yet, even the harshest critics agree that Singaporeans are generally
a kind lot.
If somebody falls down, drops something, when tragedy befalls,
Singaporeans are very forthcoming, says Mr Hon. "If you need help,
they
will help," he says. Generosity is a strong national suit, agrees
PA chief Mr Ong.
"At the mass level, the frequent flag days show that Singaporeans
do their bit for charities on a regular basis."
Singaporeans are also hospitable to a fault.
"Within smaller groups, the way we buy drinks and food for our
friends or lay out a big makan spread at the slightest pretext is
indicative of our generosity," he says.
Mr Zulkifli, vice-president of a logistics multinational company,
notes that Singaporeans hardly ever abandon their foreign guests.
"We are ever ready to invite people to our houses. The first thing
we do is offer them a drink," he says.
But Mr Hon says that although Singaporeans will donate time, money
and blood even when they do not know who will receive it, they don't
see the need to brew an extra cup of coffee for a colleague or go
out of their way to make someone feel special.
Such reticent kindness has its own virtue, as some say.
Sincerity and directness is more heartfelt than the glint of polished
but artificial manners.
Furthermore, once you get past the forbidding exterior, Singaporeans
make loyal friends.
Summing up the score neatly, Dr Wong says: "I think we do a great
job at being kind, a poor job at being polite and a lousy job at
communicating our appreciation."
He adds that Singaporeans are almost queasy about expressing finer
feelings. Words like Thank You, Please, Excuse Me and Sorry do not
come easy, even among close kin.
But Mr Hon feels such omission of niceties could be due to a stilted,
functional relationship with the English language. Carelessness
in phrasing sometimes makes Singaporeans appear crude.
But at heart, most people interviewed feel there is nothing seriously
wrong with Singaporean manners except they are not expressive.
Says Dr Wong: "We do not like to show appreciation publicly to
avoid being ingratiating. It is really no different from shying
away from karaoke singing or giving a standing ovation to a good
performance for fear of drawing attention to ourselves."
This is the same reason why Singaporeans do not talk about the
weather and stare as if fixated at the blinking floor numbers in
lifts. Eye contact scares them.
But Dr Wong is certain that social graciousness will come with
greater self-confidence.
"I am not too disturbed as our self-esteem is building up progressively
and we are making good progress. I am more concerned when there
is a shameless display of hubris."
Perhaps, the greatest hitch for Singapore in its bid to become
a more gracious society is that kindness takes time and often makes
life untidy.
Relationships, Mr Zulkifli notes, are rarely efficient. When one
goes shopping in Bangkok, there are jokes, discounts, banter. "The
whole bargaining culture is a feel-good exercise, an experience
to take away with you."
In Singapore, even if you buy $50,000 of goods, the items are
duly scanned, packed and the change dropped into your palm by the
staff without even looking at you.
"If you say "I'd like it gift- wrapped', their response is "Counter
6'. It's because of the process, not because the person is rude,''
he observes.
Singapore society so manifestly waits for no one, notes AWARE
president Dana Lam. And this grinding pace takes away some of life's
gentler human-related interludes and regards them as "wasteful''.
"Gradually, this idea of being gainfully employed and productive
all the time takes a toll on our mental, psychological health. Why
else would a woman wake up at 3 am in the morning to beat up a maid?"
she asks. "People become so intent with keeping themselves on track
and have such high expectations of ourselves and others that if
anything falls short, there are fits of rage."
Even though good manners begin at home, Nominated MP Claire Chiang
says that parents often neglect to equip their children with basic
life skills on how to eat, dress, converse, and behave in public.
"That is why our school- leavers are still so unpolished in self-presentation
and thinking skills... When you lack these fundamentals which nourish
a sense of self- confidence, it is difficult to behave in a gracious
manner," says the executive director of Banyan Tree Gallery.
A more sinister problem, many feel, is that Singaporeans are rarely
happy in their own skin. They are too busy bettering themselves.
To be gracious, says Ms Chiang, is to be "less hard on ourselves,
kinder towards others and, in general, able to take life with a
huge dose of humour and enjoy its simple joys."
But she concedes it is hard to be all that when one is perpetually
bogged down by struggle and envy.
"If the external reality is harsh and in a constant state of flux,
it is almost impossible for the victim to be gracious. There is
no energy left, after fire-fighting on all fronts."
As Dr Tan puts it: "When we develop a society that feels confident
and secure, not continually struggling for identity, struggling
to pay for incredibly expensive houses and cars, struggling to ensure
that their children will have a good future by forcing them to become
top students, struggling to afford retirement, then perhaps people
will naturally become more relaxed."
In a world where it is hard to separate people and the place they
are set in, Singapore's well-planned public facilities, breezy sidewalks
and well-trimmed hedges will continue to rank highly in Most Liveable
City surveys.
Its funky town trappings such as throbbing Mohamed Sultan nightlife,
futuristic library@orchard and vibrant arts scene will buy it more
mention in lifestyle polls.
But how can Singaporeans become worthy of all the fine furniture
they own? Many say civic-consciousÅ ness can only happen when Singaporeans
truly feel that Singapore is home.
The trouble, according to Institute of Policy Studies senior research
fellow Dr Ooi Giok Ling, is that while Singaporeans are constantly
told to be rooted, there is little concrete to attach themselves
to because of en bloc sales, upgrading and the endless spiral of
mobility from one home to the next.
"Our public space means that the public can use it unÅ til the
government planners find some other use for it. In the meantime,
it is no man's or woman's land."
As a result, generations grow up with little feeling for place
or places.
In the meantime, others suggest that it might be helpful to settle
on a common Singaporean gesture to denote welcome or respect.
Mr Zulkifli, for one, feels that Singapore suffers from the lack
of a common idiom for graciousness, such as the clasping of hands
in Thailand or bowing in Japan. "Courtesy requires a set of basic
norms and body language, but Singapore lacks that because our culture
is so mixed. It's hard to tell whether a person is courteous or
not."
But others argue there is no need to make another national exhortation
of something that should be second nature.
Society will in time arrive at an unspoken agreement of what it
perceives collectively to be the decent thing to do in social situations.
There are no models for Singapore to learn from. Graciousness
is one of those fiercely nationalistic issues in which each country
has to arrive at its own equilibrium of nature and nurture, what
it can and cannot live with, and what it aspires to.
If you go by Dr Wong's last word, ultimately, Singaporeans deserve
the society they are willing to invest in and work for.
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