| The Season Before It All Started Dan Wilson, David Bell, Bret Boone and Alex Rodriguez With appearance by : John Olerud, Edgar Martinez, and the rest of the Seattle Mariners crew and Derek Jeter (Our story starts off in an airplane and two former team mates Carlos Guillen and Alex Rodriguez were sitting next to each other discussing the next season of baseball while coming home from vacationing together) Carlos : Man Alex we sure did good this year, I mean we played awesome especially me. Alex: I didn't know you played for the Mariners Carlos?! Man you must have just come when I was too concerned with myself to notices there was other people on the team. But seriously Carlos I think that since I am so greedy that I might not be returning to the Mariners with you and the rest of the guys. Carlos: But why Arod man? Alex: Well because I am a greedy son of a bitch and don't feel that I am appreciated in the club house but I think that to benefit you Carlos, start training to be the short stop next season but please don't tell Dan, Dave and Bret when we get home k?. Carlos (under his breath) what ever asshole (Dan, David and Bret are waiting for Carlos and Alex to return, Dan is baking vegetarian cookies for their homecoming) David: Dan?! What in the hell are you doing?! Dan: Baking veggie cookies for Carlos and Alex. Silly! Bret: Dan with the oven running, the heat is melting my hair gel. Dan : So? (The music from Physco plays in the back ground) Bret : What did you just say about my hair� (Just then Alex and Carlos come in carrying luggage and Carlos has a special box for the guys) Dan : OMG you are finally home yeah!! Carlos: Ya me and the sellout are home. Alex : A ha ha that kidder ha ha ha ahem Carlos... Carlos : A hem nothing you son of a ... David : Watch your language please before I kick your ass! Alex : Dan sooooo something smells yummy in my tummy! What are you whipping up today? Bret : Hey what is in the box? It's moving! Carlos : Good call. Well actually on the way home I decided that I should get you all a big present because I am not a cheap bastard like some people! ( looks pointedly at Alex) Well I got you something all the way from Canada! Bret : I love presents. Is it a hair dryer that is made in Canada? Oh please let it be a hair dryer! (Suddenly the box opens and a shy little girl pops out) David : What the hell is that? Alex : It�s a girl. David : No shit Sherlock! Dan : Hey she can play with Ethiopien! David : Didn't she die? Dan : Oh ya heh heh cuz we forgot to feed her whoops! Bret : What good is a Canadian? All they do is eat and shit and say EH Carlos : She will do what ever we tell her. Alex : What's her name any ways? Little Girl : EH my name is .... ( Suddenly Edgar Martinez pops out of nowhere) Edgar : IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! (Edgar leaves) Carlos : Lets call her Alfanzo! Dan : No Allen! Bret : Robert! Alex : Emanual!! Little Girl : I would kill myself if my name was Emanuel and I think you should too EH. Dan : Lets just call her Canadian Alex : Ok Emanuel it is! ( No one laughs at Alex for they pity him and don't want to make him feel that his dumb jokes are funny) Carlos : Shut up! The First Day of the 2001 Season ( Dan, David, Bret and Carlos have previously kicked Alex out of their mansion because of the whole racists against Texans thing and the Mariners are in the dugout with Lou Pinella giving them the pre game pep talk before they take on the Rangers with newly acquired short stop Alex Jeter I mean Rodruguez) Lou : K M's listen up! Now we all know that this is going to be an emotional game for all of us especially Carlos who is taking Arod's spot in the line up but we all know to stay focused at the task at hand and what is that Ichiro? Ichiro : (says something in Japanese )! Lou : good job Itchy now go out there an get em! ( The whole dugout breaks out in to cheers and they take the field and Alex Rodriguez comes up to bat) Dan : Safeco field sure is nice without you isn't it? Alex : *sniffle ya whatever Dan : Nothing like playing out in the old sunshine. Freddy : (singing) We want a batter not a Mad Hatter John Olerud : (singing) 1 � 2 � 3 strikes you suck! Alex : *tear Just pitch the ball would you please and lemme alone! (Freddy then proceeds to throw 3 consecutive strikes right by Arod) Freddy : Obviously you weren't worth the money Arod or should I say K Rod mwhahahaha! (The game goes on and Arod makes 4 errors and strikes out at all 4 of his at bats. The Mariners are victorious at a score of 69 to 0) Hey Guys Are you Hungry? (Dan, David, Bret and Carlos were all sitting at a local restaurant called Vegetarians We Hardy Knew Ye ) Carlos : Did you watch Sports Desk last night? Bret : No I was in the middle of my hair care schedule and didn�t have time to watch it. Dan : What happened? Carlos : Well Alex got a home run off of Roger Clemens yesterday. David : That loser actually played in a game ha ha they must have been losing! Dan : Hence the name LOSER. Carlos : When do they ever win? Any ways the reason I brought that up is that after his homer at the end of the game, they were interviewing him and you know what he said? Bret : We told you we didn�t watch it you silly billy so obviously we don�t know what he said. Carlos : ya ok Bret� He said that he doesn�t miss the Mariners and that they didn�t like him in the first place. Bret : That is an outrage! David : Well its true. We didn�t. Carlos : Well he didn�t have to say it. Dan : You know what this means don�t you? David : Yup we are going to have to go Old School on his ass! Dan : Hey speaking of abusive where is Canadian? Carlos : Hey ya I haven't seen her since I told her to get me some local Mongolian mushrooms. David : When you said local did you said Mongolian local? Carlos : Ya why? David : Well since she is a smart little Canadian, she prosy is half way to Mongolia now! Dan : Dam now who is going to do the laundry? Bret : You Dan. Dan : SHIT! Hair, Hair Long Beautiful Hair! (It is midnight in the mansion and there is still no sign of Canadian. Not that anyone cares but oh well. Bret is sitting in his room doing his hair) Bret : I'm to sexy for myself to sexy for myself. Ahhh I only wish everyone could be as good looking as me but we all know that isn't possible. (Suddenly there is a noise ) Bret : Hmm that was the door I think. Oh no I hope it isn't guests, my hair is a mess! (Bret walks to the hallway and downstairs to get the door) Bret : Oh its you. Canadian what the hell took you so long where the hell have you been? You slacker! I am going to whip you for this. Walking to Mongolia shouldn�t take you that long . What did you do? Sleep on the way? Huh answer me! Canadian : Sorry Master Boone� Bret : Excuse me that is Master of all hotness Booney to you little slacker! Canadian : Well any ways EH I got the mushrooms that Master Carlos wanted EH. Bret : He doesn�t want them any more, he only wanted the because Alex had some. Canadian : This Alex person? Where did he go Master Boone.. I mean Master of all hotness Booney EH? Bret : Enough questions little loser go to bed now and report for you whipping at 5 00 tomorrow morning in the basement of horrors mwhahaha! Canadian : Do you mean Master Rage Against the Machines play room? Bret : Why yes infact I do. (Canadian then goes to her box and curls up into a ball and goes to sleep Bret however has to go back and complete his hair before catching his beauty sleep) Garden Party (The guys are all sitting around the table and Canadian is cooking and you can see bruises on her face.) Dan : Hey Canadian, get you ass in here with my veggie eggs whites with a hint of beer flavored condiments! Canadian : Yes Master Dan David : You know what we should do? Bret : I love guessing games! Oh wait no I don�t! What should we do Daavvvvy? David : We should have a garden party with all of our friends like the Mariners and Derek Jeter well actually his isn't really our friend but if we invite him then we know Alex wont be hanging out with Derek and he will be sitting at home with is piles of ties and money not missing the Mariners. Lets invite Jason Giambi just so we can make fun of me behind his back. Carlos : Not behind his back. To his face dumbass! Dan : Good idea and how about some people from Toronto. Canadian : I used to live there. Carlos : Did we give you permission to talk?! I don�t think so! Bret : You know one thing that really bothers me? Is it pronounced Rall or Raooooool? David : Huh? Bret : You know like is it Rall or Raooooooooool? Carlos : I don�t know good question. Dan : Well it would be rude to call him and say his name wrong so maybe we better phone up there and ask. Bret : Do they have phones in Canada? Dan : Prolly not but we can send it by smoke signal then the iglooeans can dog sled it over the raging river to the Skydome and ask. David : Good idea Dan good idea The Day of the Party ( They are waiting on their guests and Canadian is making appetizers and pouring beer for the Mariners who are already there just as the door bell rings) Bret : Oooo can I get it please Dan?! Dan : Go ahead I don�t care (Bret skips to the door and looks out the peep hole) Bret : (whispering) It's Alex did we invite him? David : No but let him in I have a case of ass whoopitis that I would like to get rid of. Dan : No don�t let him in then he will want to say. Derek Jeter : Hey Alex?! Is he here? Let him in! David : Hang on � (David pushes Bret out of the way and slips out into the hallway you hear some muffled talking and then punching noises and a scream of pain. David and Alex them come in with Alex all messy and dirty) Bret : pshh nice hair Alex. Dan : Ya you sure look like you�ve been doing all right for yourself hahahahaha Alex : (Ignoring the Mariners runs over to Derek and gives him a big hug) Derek : Hey long time no see moola man! Alex : Ya I know I mean I had to count my money so I couldn�t come to Anaheim to see your games Derek. I'm sorry but I will make it up to you. Derek : Um Arod man I don�t play for Anaheim. Alex : Yes you do silly! Nice try! Were you trying to trick your old buddy? Derek : No I really don�t play for Anaheim. (Derek walks away and Alex follows him, the go out on the balcony) Alex : Hey Canadian get your scrawny ass in here with some carbohydrates sports protein drinks with calcium and slim fastness. Canadian : You mean a Slim Fast shake? Alex : Darn tootin! (Alex gets his drink and then walks around saying hi to everyone and then stops at a group of players that are discussing the World Series. Derek Jeter is showing them his 6 rings) Derek : Yup you have to be a good non sucky team to get one of these babies. Alex : Do you guys think that maybe I might get one? Jason Giambi : Ha ha the chances of that happening has the same odds as if I were to get a hair cut and we all know that wont happen. (Alex sniffling walks away and see Sasaki and Ichiro talking in one corners of the room) Sasaki : Mariners sure do rule don�t they Wizzard? Ichiro : (under his breath) gee look who's coming. Alex : Hi there! Ichiro ( mumbles) Hi Alex : I don�t think we've met have we? I am Alex Rodriguez the highest payed person in baseball ever and you are? Sasaki (In japanese) What is this lozer talking about? Every talks about Ichiro. Even Clemens knows who you are and that is saying a lot. Ichiro (also in japanese) What can I say Alex isnt the rawest sushi in the plate! Sasaki (in japanese) Good one! ha ha Alex : ha ha ha good one umm I didn�t catch your name. Sasaki (in english) That is because he didn�t tell you. (Ichiro and Sasaki turn their backs to Alex and continue their conversation) All Star Game Dan, Bret, Ichiro, David, Edgar, Freddy, Mike and Sasaki all made it to the All Star game. Arod was also voted into the All Star game. The game is held in Seattle. (Alex is sitting by himself in the dugout and the Mariners have formed a posse and no one is allowed to talk to them. David is mad because Alex was there but Edgar calmed him down with a swifed smack to the back of the head.) Bret : What is becoming of these fans today? The actally voted Alex into the All Star game I mean what the hubbub like hello traiter! Ichiro : (in japanese) In my country we kill sellouts. Mike : Ya good idea Ichiro! Dan : What did he say? Mike : How should I know? Do I look Japanese? Sasaki : He said that in his country, they kill sellouts! (Let the Bodies hit the floor playes in the background) David : Aaaa I love it mwhahahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha mwha ha ha ha Edgar : David shut the hell up (Smacks him in the head again) Freddy : I have an idea lets talk to the other pitcher and tell him to peg Arod! Mike : Naww that is too easy. (Suddenly Alex comes over to talk to them) Edgar : Bug off lozer! Dan : Ya scram you hose beast! Alex : I just came over to tell you what a gay park Safeco is because it iznt a hitters park and that is why I left and I mean the name hello Safeco?! Pure genious on the lozers part who named it! (Alex walks away swinging his hips and These Boots plays in the background) Dan : Ignore him I mean what does that prove? Who was the genious that decided to call the ball park� The Ball Park?! Ichiro : Ya that is pretty dumb b b b baseball name Everyone : Ya And so ends my story. |