Day 117: Monday 10-22-2002

Evening: 8:26 PM
I'm Thinking...: (...gwa. Come back, please, panno..?)

   Goddess, J, How can anyone update and not feel bad with your three lonely little updates..? X.x; Well, Here I am, it took me... *looks at clock* almost an entire hour to get in, but hey... whatcha gonna do, ne?
   I've been trying to write, it just won't work with my snot-laden brain. X.x;; I'mma do something... Dunno what... Some-- *snore* u.u(_z)(z)(Z)n'yuh.... *sleep*

    (...Dammit.)
      Squall.

Day 109: Monday 10-14-2002

Afternoon: 2:46 PM
I'm Thinking...: (...)

   ...Alright, by NO MEANS is my journal closed. Geocities.com is acting up, and it's getting harder and harder for me to update on it. ><;; So~o, I'll be at Diary-x for a while. Sorry, minna. I will be back, in all eventuality! Hell, I may even decide to take the four fucking hours it takes to get into geocities and update here once in a while. But, not too often until I finish fixing my computer's link-up to Geocities.com. See ya later. Oh, and so I don't forget, My D-x journal is here: http://heraldkhalissa.diary-x.com, so bye, for a while.

    (...Dammit.)
      Squall.

Day 108: Sunday 10-13-2002

Late Evening: 10:17 PM
I'm Thinking...: (...I... what a fucking child. Such an idiot.)

   ...Now I am pissed. Utterly pissed at Refies. She's such a fucking child, it's impossible. I refuse to apologize to such a kid. She's supposed to be a year above me, yet she acts like a freshman. I refuse to bow to her pitiful and petty abuse. She wants to complain and whine, well, let her. I can feel her self-loathing, and her annoyance, and even her quiet anger. The first two over-rule the third by far. Being an Empath sucks. A lot. Cause I can sympathize with Refies. . . but I know she's over-reacting. Fucking child. Anyways. Now that I am done being pissed. . .
   ... There's still not much to talk about, other than I'm still waiting for Jami to get online. She's at the store... How rude. Whatever. I need to go hit something. Type later.

Maybe...

   ...Man, am I bored. all crises averted, except for the current. I am bored unto no end. No end but my own, that is. I guess there's nothing to really talk about today. Nothing has happened. I played video games for the first few hours of my morning life, then read. Now I'm online. But J's not here. There must be something to do, I just can't find it. That really, really sucks. ><;; Oh well. [Code name] Refies still seems depressed, but she doesn't wish to talk just yet. I can't push her, because she feels so fragile now. *scoff, followed by a mirthless chuckle* Me, a human empathist. I really never saw that any time new. Maybe that's why I hate humans. Hmm... Oh well. I stayed up late last night, helping Irvine get her new layout up. It took too long. ><; she is a terrible html-worker. She keeps asking about the codes and why the do what they do. Like I know, or even care.
   The story J and I write is going as good as anything. I think I'm going to go to Amnesia and update on it. I wish J was on right now but no...:

Auto response from mtdewgurl404 (5:56:10 PM):   well...  i'm showering at the moment so i can get dressed because SOME PEOPLE *grumblecursemutterglare* decided they NEEDED to take me shopping with them   ...

   I feel entirely abused. No, really. Alright, I guess not. But still... So, yeah. There's nothing real enbtertaining to do, and I'm getting a ratehr violent headache from that racket of Irv's game in the background. ><;;;;;
   Maybe boredom makes you extremely irritable? I wouldn't know, usually I can remedy boredom easily enough. But not today. What the hell, hm? Oh well. I'll just go read some more. Or something. Maybe bug Refies. Maybe Strawberries. Who knows, or cares. Not me, in this case. Or any. Whatever, I'd better go, you people seem to be easily frighted or worried. ><;;;;; Good-Bye. No, seriously. Go the fuck away. Alright, sarcasm. Bye.

    (...Whatever.)
      Squall.

Day 107: Saturday 10-12-2002

Late Afternoon: 3:18 PM
I'm Thinking...: (...I am so cold and confused, but no one thinks twice...)

   I am so tired of playing councilor. Not to everyone, but to ONE person in particular. All he every does is complain about how unfair life is, and how hard school is, and how he's not going to make it. I lost it the other day. Alright, I guess I'm a bit more of an empath than I thought. I knew I was an animal empathist, but for humans? Never saw that one coming. I guess I'm just good at "understanding". Well, that's fine for me, but any kind of empath in the world is hard to find, so what do I do when I feel overloaded? Guess I'm screwed. Oh well. I'll just bury myself in work. . . I handle everyone's problems with little or no difficulty, but as much as I would like to confess that I'm emotionless, it's hard to say. So often I feel absolutely nothing, and always--for humans-- I feel absolutely nothing. But for animals? Bright haves, I'm a hunter, but when I came home last night and saw that deer hanging from the tree, waiting to go to the processor the next morning, I had to physically hold back tears. Tears. . .
   And I haven't cried in so long, I feel lost. I thought having a journal might clear my life up for me a little, but I guess not. By the way, I haven't been listening to much music lately, so I change the "Listening to:" piece above to "I'm thinking:". Go me.
   And I'm not sure if I am just emotionless enough or if people just don't care how I feel as long as I pay attention to their problems or what, but no one ever notices everything within me is crumbling down, my mind shudders in confusion, my heart shakes with anger. Humans confuse me.

    (..?)
      Squall.

   I am... confused. And sick. Of living, no doubt. But, I endure and I don't know why.

(But you don't really care..? Do you?)
(Go away. I'm busy.)
(with what? Thoughts?)
(Shut the Fuck up and go the hell away!)

   Appears that when I feel stressed, that nagging voice--who I've come to call Khalissa-- pops up. Joy. Today sucked in general because at the end of the day before they shove us into the bright sunlight was a pep rally. Happy days! I hate the damned things... ><; Anyways, nice new thing, new logo-y thing [In The Dark Ripples...Where Demons Wait.]

    (...What do you want from me..?)
      Squall.