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STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
I do not expect to be held responsible for my words in here. This is a journal, so if you wish to confront me on anything said in here, give up. I'll sic my Yami on you. u.u; I do wish some amount of privacy, even if it's web-journal. I'll talk about innermost things here, things I won't and would NEVER say in real life. I refuse to be held responsible for anything as a result of my journal.
P.s. The Background is Rath Illuser and Kharl from Mineko Ohkami's "Dragon Knights". I made the background. MINE. But I don't own the pictures, or the manga.
Early morning | 23:58 Er. . . ANYWAYS!
Er, yes. Anyways. Better update now. ^^;; Listening to "Like a Prayer" again, while at Sage's house. ^^; Sorry about that, I was really hyper. ^_^ I went trick-or-treating! Yay for me! And I might get to see Jami tomorrow! ^o^ n.n but yeah. Let's see if I can detail today for you...
Hey. You. YES YOU. Go out right now and download the midi file, preferably the MP3 of "This is Halloween," from The Nightmare before Christmas. DO IT NOW.
Third Hour, | 9:54 Are you all -trying- to push me to fucking insanity?
~.~ Ugh. first off, 2 things. I'm thoroughly obsessed with a new song-- Madonna's "Like a Prayer." Second off, I wrote this during second hour. Because I feel very annoyed and pissed off and Rathish now. Before I rant, you get lyrics.
Everyone must stand alone I hear you call my name And it feels like home. [Chorus] When you call my name I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there In the midnight hour I can feel your power Just Like a Prayer, you know I'll take you there. I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing I have no choice, I hear your voice Feels like flying I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling Out of the sky, I close my eyes Heaven help me [Chorus] Like a child you whisper softly to me You're in control just like a child Now I'm dancing It's like a dream, no end and no beginning You're here with me, it's like a dream Let the choir sing [Chorus] Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery Just like a dream, you are not what you seem Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there Just like a prayer, I'll take you there It's like a dream to me Okay, now. *ten second pause, looking composed* . . . >< *growls* Now I understand that a certain friend of mine is being worked hard and she's tired and mad at some people... u.u; I understant that. Really. I listen to her rant, give her advice when I can, and tel lher my opinion when she wants it. I help her when I can do so and I'm trying hard not to snap at her. When I'm in a shitty mood (much like now), I'm careful not to take it out on her, or so I hope. But I'd appreciate a little kindness in return. -_-; I may be asking too much, but honestly. *anger* If she wants me to be there for her, and be all these things (which I should state she NEVER asked of me. But if she doesn't want to be my friend, I wish she'd just say so. I'm not patient enough for games like these), and keep trying so hard to be nice, she needs to get her emotions straightened out or something. Because she always tries to suppress her anger so she doesn't take it out on those she's mad at, but she ends up (maybe unconsciously?) taking it out on those she's not (I think) mad at. Sounds a little fucked up to me. ~_~; *twitch* And no, this isn't any of my online buddies, this one's irl. *sigh* Okay, end rant. I'm so out of fucking patience. I had the best fucknig mood this morning, too. God. I'm going to fucking scream.
early morning | 6:57 I tried so hard... And got so far... But in the end... It doesn't even matter.
Mm, pretty angsty music. Up above is Linkin Park's "In The End," while below is Linkin Park's "Forgotten."
Bottom to top I stop At the core I�ve forgotten In the middle of my thoughts Taken far from my safety The picture is there The memory won�t escape me But why should I care (x2) There�s a place so dark you can�t see the end (Skies cock back) and shock that which can�t defend The rain then sends dripping / an acidic question Forcefully, the power of suggestion Then with the eyes shut / looking though the rust and rot And dust / a spot of light floods the floor And pours over the rusted world of pretend The eyes ease open and its dark again In the memory you�ll find me Eyes burning up The darkness holding me tightly Until the sun rises up Moving all around / screaming of the ups and downs Pollution manifested in perpetual sound The wheels go round and the sunset creeps behind Street lamps, chain-link and concrete A little piece of paper with a picture drawn floats On down the street till the wind is gone The memory now is like the picture was then When the paper�s crumpled up it can�t be perfect again [Chorus](x2) In the memory you�ll find me Eyes burning up The darkness holding me tightly Until the sun rises up Now you got me caught in the act(x6) You bring the thought back(x6) I�m telling you that(x6) I see it right through you(x6) In the memory you�ll find me(x2) Eyes burning up(x2) The darkness holding me tightly(x2) Until the sun rises up(x2) ~.~ Okay, let's try this. If I start my day's out good, and they get angsty, let us see if the inverse is true. o.- God, I'm doing terrible in my classes. I have to fix this. Like.. now. -_- I'm so pissed at myself. Fuck. I need to try harder, to work harder... To stop being so fucking useless when it comes to shit I said I'd do. Yeah, I know I piss people off. Do you think I give a fuck? Yeah, people generally wany my help. Like hell I care. Whatever. Do it your fucking selves, unless you know you're someone who I don't mind helping. And you KNOW who you are. Kaiya, if you pull that modest shit on me right now, so help me God, you will be maimed.
early morning | 6:16 My girl, you know, she lashes out at me sometimes, And I just fucking kick her, and then oh baby,she's O.K.
Hee, music for you! System of a Down's "Sugar."
Sitting around all day, Who can believe you, Who can believe you, Let your mother pray,(sugar,sugar) I'm not there all the time you know Some people, some people, some people, Call it insane, yeah they call it insane, (sugar) I play Russian roulette everyday, a man's sport, With a bullet called life, yeah mom I call it life,(sugar) You know that every time I try to go Where I really want to be, It's already where I am, Cause I'm already there�(sugar,sugar) [chorus] I got a gun the other day from Sako, It's cute, small, fits right in my pocket, Yeah, right in my pocket, (sugar) My girl, you know, she lashes out at me sometimes, And I just fucking kick her, and then oh baby,she's O.K. (sugar) People are always chasing me down, Trying to push my face to the ground, Where all they really want to do, Is suck out my mother fucking brains, my sugar (sugar). [chorus] I sit, in my desolate room, no lights, no music, Just anger, I've killed everyone, I've gone away forever, but I'm feeling better, How do I feel, What do I say, Fuck you! It all goes away, How do I feel, What do I say, Fuck you! It all goes away, How do I feel, What do I say, In the end it all goes away, How do I feel, What do I say, In the end it all goes away, How do I feel, What do I say, In the end it all goes away, How do I feel, What do I say, In the end it all goes away, How do I feel, What do I say, In the end it all goes away, How do I feel, What do I say, In the end it all goes away. (x4) n.n' okay, now that that's out of the way. GOD! *shiver* it's so fucking COLD. ~.~ I swear I lost all feeling in that arm a while ago. *yawn* yeah, I'm tired and just wanna go back to bed but o.o' I can't do that, cause I've got work to do and stuff. ~.~; and I'm cold, inside and out. Cold as all bloody... something. Not hell, it's not that crispy, demo, I think I'm going to pass out. x.x stupid body. I've been sick, but I got over that on saturday and my body got plenty of sleep. It's just confused. God. Pet peeves of mine. Cold houses, and morning people. God, not all of them annoy me, just the ones that IM and are all "^___^ LOOK AT ME! I'M ALL GENKI AND SHIT!!" I swear they're just begging to be shot. It's too early and too fucking cold. Go get some depression+ or something. And then you bitch them out for it and they're all ditzy and "^^; huh?" Pain on those bastards. Well, there's not much of an update. I'm dreading school, because I'm going to go, and there's going to be a lot to do to catch up... @.@ I'll be lucky to get breakfast or lunch with all the work. I need to try a lot harder. From now on, when I get home, I'll start my homework. That way I'll at least get some done and I won't have to rely entirely on my last-minute haul ass skills. Frickin' yay for me. Anyways, I'm cold and have to get going soon. Lates.
Evening | 17:12 x.x ... I HAD updated, too, damnit!
Really. I HAD an update. But my dad deleted it cause I was off wandering. better, bigger update later. numb now. bad keyboard. space key sticky.
Early Morning | 5:48 O.o It's been a while.
@.@ Wow, I haven't updated in forever. ~.~ Haven't had much to talk about. I was entirely smote with homework on Monday, not to mention studying for the P.S.A.T.s. Which I took on Tuesday and feel somewhat optimistic about. I have to wait until decemeber to get the results though, but that's alright. @_@; I was mentally fried the rest of the day, tired off my ass. A~and I SHOULD be doing my Algebra right now, demo... ^^ I thought you guys needed some love, so I'm updating instead.
Late, late evening | 23:24 ARG!
@.@ Talk about utterly confusing. Can they just make up their minds? What's so hard to understand that YES, I CAN work off a few hours of sleep. That I prefer it. ~.~ Can't they just let me do my own thing? I said I was getting online after we watched the movie. I said so. Honest. I haven't talked to Jami hardly at all today, and I haven't been onlnie save for like... 30 minutes. Seriously. Would it kill them that much to let me do my own fucking thing? They don't own me. Just got into another fight with Cheryl (my step-mom, for those of you who don't know) ... ~.~' I wish she'd chill. She says I'm indecisive, and don't give straight answers. So fucking what? ~.~; Anyways. End rant.
EARLY EARLY morning | 2:09 X3 and chicken... tastes good.
Hee. Stupid indecisiveness. ^^' I guess it's not just me wearing off on Kaiya-chan. Yare yare! God, this RP is SO fun. n.n It amuses me. And Kaiya-chan... I'm sorry you're having a bad day... If it helps any (*knows she'd be all, "o.O how would THAT help?"*) I had a terrible day. And I'm angsty now, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you, and if you asked, I might've lied and said I was fine. >>' It's cause I'm ignoring it. Soo... ^_^ this is meh way of telling you, because I know you'll read this eventually! n.n *Rath-logic*
Evening | 20:34 Showers wash all my cares away, and I wake up to a sun-- GOD no! STOP!
*yawn* Well, I'm only updating because I haven't in forever, and I fe... ...............suddenly don't feel like it. I'll update tomorrow morning.
Early Morning | 15:40 Showers wash all my cares away, and I wake up to a sun-- GOD no! STOP!
*yawn* Bwahaha. Fear meh poeticness. ^^ Yes. Rath is angsty, depressive, violent and waaaaaaaay off her rocker. I fell asleep listening to freaking 80s music. XD;;; My mind is GONE. Not maybe, is. There's like... a herd of giggling monkeys in place of it, and they're having fun pushing all the shiny buttons on meh brain. It's just... @.@ I'm SUCH a dork.
.......Do you have ANY fucking idea how weird it is to be morbidly depressed, and yet have your mind yelling.
Well I love the rainy night.
Late Evening | 22:21 Poetic Attacks and Eloquent Deaths
Ugh. I'm tired. Very, very tired. Sleep, you say? Why would I? To sleep is to simply enter yet another world, where I will gain no rest, yet travel farther and faster into a distant land of distorted reality. A land I'm almost afraid to set foot in, where I must carefully observe before I tread, because one misstep can lead to an eternity of pain. Mental agony, physical misery and emotional torment, lasting unto god's final breath and the god of this area is a venemous, hateful entity who seeks naught but to inspire crimson blossoms of anguish that sear the soul and harm the mind. He bids that we fall to the edge of sanity, where we can no longer support ourselves or carry the weight of the deeds we have committed ourselves to in this agonizingly true reality, where we pine once more for the falsehood of the dreams we so willingly left. You see...
Morning, 3rd hour | 10:08 SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR GODDAMN TEA!!
Just a fast update while I'm at school, and I say fast because I can't afford to getcaught doing it. I'm too lazy to attend detention. @.@' Anyways, yeah. It's weird to be studying for SATs via tyhe Pre-SAT, because I'm not used to having to keep college options open, should I wish to attend. I don't know, there's just something disturbing about that.
Morning | 10:37 Well, said it three times in line one, let's make the title "damnit."
Well, jsut a quick update. I'm working at school on a Geography of Michigan project. If you see me online, remind me to work on it at home, ne? thanks. Life's been pretty easy, and the RP amsues me. X3; you can find it posted at Amnesia RP Page and choose RP #1. Warnings: Yaoi, lemon, lime, and all that good stuff. Swearing. Um, yeah. Amusement. Anyways, have to go now. Lunchness, and I have errands to run. @.@ Who needs food? I had one bowl of ramen yesterday...
Early A.M. | 5:50 @.@ lateness!!
x.X Shit, I woke late. Not late enough to be like, late or anything, but I was supposed to wake T-chan, like... an hour ago. @.@ And I was gonna do an update ta day. Oh well, it can wait till tomorrow. *trying to wake herself fully and burn off* It's a great song. ^^
He drinks way too early till way too late He hasn't had a raise since near his day In eighty - eight gets trampled on by everyone Except when he comes in here And he's the product of the Haggard generation He's got a redneck side when you get him agitated He got the gold toothed look from a stiff right hook He's proud he took for his right wing stand on Vietnam Says he lost his brother there He yells out Johnny Cash And the band starts to play A ring of fire as he walks up And stands there by the stage And he says Hell yeah! Turn it up! Right on! Hell yeah! Sounds good! Sing that song! Guitar man playin' all night long Take me back to where the music hit me Life was good and love was easy She's got an MBA and a plush corner office She's got a don't mess with me attitude She'll close a deal she don't reveal that she can feel The loneliness the emptiness Except when she comes in here She's the product of the Me generation She's got a rock and roll side when you get her agitated She got the tattoo there on her derriere from a spring break dare In Panama where love was all she thought she'd ever need She yells out to the band Know any Bruce Springsteen Then she jumps up on the bar And she, and she starts to scream She says Hell yeah! Turn it up! Right on! Hell yeah! Sounds good! Sing that song! Guitar man playin' all night long Take me back to where the music hit me When life was good and love was easy Yeah, yeah Can or can't you get my mind off thinkin' 'bout Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Hey, hell yeah Hell yeah Turn it up Right on Hell yeah Sounds good Sing that song Guitar man playin' all night long Take me back to where the music hit me When life was good Hell yeah! Turn it up! Right on! Hell yeah! Sounds good! Sing that song! Guitar man playin' all night long Take me back to where the music hit me When life was good and love was easy ~ "Hell Yeah," Montgomery Gentry
Early A.M. | 5:48 Well, said it three times in line one, let's make the title "damnit."
Damnit. Damnit.. just... fucking damnit. I feel so fucking useless. and trapped. I can't wait until I'm eighteen. I'm going to stop spending things on useless shit, and start saving it up. I want to go visit Kaiya-chan. But I'm not really sure if it's for me, or if it's for her. If I had any common sense, I'd stay away from her, and not fuck up her life. I'm too childish, too violent, too rash, and too demanding. I complain too much, swear too much, and think too little. I think I'm a shitty influence on the only person I actually care about, and I think she doesn't deserve that. I should just... maybe get myself grounded for a week or two. I think it would be better if she distanced herself from me. It's one of those days where my anti-qualities are really standing out. I just want to scream.
I got nappy hair. My mommy don't love me..! And my daddy don't care..! My sister's a slut! And my brother's a drunk! And I'm standing in the mirror now... Getting myself all dressed up! Everything's okay..! At least that's what they say..! One foot in the gutter The other's in the grave Punch the clock I'm your slave For the rest of my life 12 hours a day No future, no way I was born to lose but that's okay! Dressed to, dressed to depress You couldn't ask for anything less Dressed to, dressed to depress My whole life's a fucked up mess! Dressed to, dressed to depress You couldn't ask for anything less Dressed to, dressed to depress My whole life is fucked up! ~ "Dressed To Depress," MurderDolls That's what's playing, I'm thinking of putting that at the end of every entry. Anyways, ttyl.
Evening | 17:45 Insert title-y thing here!
XDDD I'm in a good mood. Definently amused with the possessive Lykouleon thing. XDD That's too fucking funny... ^^; anywho! Right... I was supposed to be doing something.. oh, right! Updating you guys.
Early morning | 5:45 fwaa.
Sorry, no update today. You'll probably get one this weekend.
Very Early Evening | 16:55
GOD. That seriously pisses me off. First, I was in a ridiculously good, hyper mood today. Anyone who saw me noticed it. But people can't jsut fucking leave it alone. Bad mood. Don't feel like saying why. Tori, if you read this, stay away from me because if you come near me, I swear I'll sic Yami on you. Seriously. You've pissed me off to the point of wanting to let her maim you. Everyone else is fine.
That is all.
Evening | 22:13 There's my baby, Lost, that's all Once, I'm begging you, Save her little soul...!
Song above is David Bowie's "Golden Years." Used without permission for no profit.
Late Evening | 23:03 Everything's okay..! At least that's what they say! Dressed to, Dressed to depress! My life's a fucked up mess!
okay, here's the bigger update I promised, though I'm not sure if it will be enlightening or anything. Song clip above is Murderdoll's "Dressed to Depress," which I'm thinking about doing another Rath BG for.
Early Morning | 5:36 Ohayo
~.~ Yay. I'm going up north this weekend, so thankfully I shouldn't be so Rath-like. However. That says nothing for today. My mom bitched me out for being at 4:30 to wake Tori-chan up. Even now I'm typing slowly, letter-by-letter, to avoid waking her. o.- Does it really matter when I'm up? If it wakes her, it's her fault for sleeping on the couch... u.u' Anyways.. not much of an update. Either a bigger one lster, or one this weekend.
Still Morning | 10:31 Ugh... It's too...
Shit. I don't even know what it is. I'm just tired. And irritated. And angsty. Mood's gonig up and down, and this is just a rant, I know it'll be gone as soon as I see my third graders. If anyone EVEN brings this up after school today, you will be subject to verbal maiming. Because I'm FINE. I'm jsut angry. And that is IT. u.u' Only one person is allowed to ask what's up, and she already knows. For the most part. Yes, I know some people will have the feelings hurt by this. Look, I'm sorry, but you guys don't take a hint. In plain, bold letters...
THANK you. That's ALL I want, PLEASE and THANK YOU. ~.~ I don't WANT to remember why I was angry. Do YOU like to remember why? >< So thank you very much, neither do I. Chances are, if you DO remind me, I'll just be more upset. So just let it die, okay? I'm NOT depressed, I DON'T want to die, and I'm NEVER going to. I don't believe in suicide, you all know that. u.u' And you all know I only joke about homicide. Minna-san no baka-jin! (You're all stupid!) If you think I'd Ever consider it. Why the hell WOULD I kill myself? That would probably make WAY too many people I hate happy and it would probably jsut piss me off. If I have nothing else to live for, I've still got my friends. And if, for some ungodly reason, they leave me, then I can still live to finish reading Dragon Knights, or to watch those first seven episodes of Gravitation. I need to watch/read the rest of -Fake-, remember? u.u STOP thinking I'm going to kill myself. I'm NOT on the edge, I'm not insane (Er, well, not actually. I tend to act it to weird people out sometimes) and I'm NOT going to kill anyone, including myself. u.u' CHILL. Thanks. Ugh.
Christ, it's just... ugh. x.x Tired. Rath-ish again. I'm having a hard time deciding if it's because of school, or because of being home, or what. x.x' A trifle irritating though. Gah, gotta go. Talk later. When's the next vacation...?
Late Night | 23:37 Ugh.
I'm 'home'.
Late Morning | 11:18 Name change to Rath and hyperness.
Well, not much for an update. I don't feel quite so violent, and I'm going out with my pop today. ^^ I heart the guy, he's just a good guy. You can't find many dads (or men in general) like him, they've all become assholes from not being raised right. o.o' Not to say guys are scum or anything. Because there's a lot of good guys and gals out there. I was just doting over my old man, cause he's cool, and I'm proud to be his daughter.
Morning | 6:37 Half-Day.
Half day at school! Yay for me! Well, I can't really think of much of an update. Strange, Rath-ish mood hasn't worn off yet, but then, I suppose it wouldn't after last night. No details, it was just a lot of arguing, and yeah. No big deal, it just didn't help. So... yeah. n.n' Sorry, minna. I promise you'll have your nice Rath back again at some point (oi! Stop laughin'! I can be nice!! Ask Andy!! He'll vouch for me! ).
Morning | 10:26 Rath-ish
Yawn. @.@ Ugh. It's third hour again, and I'm updating while at school... because that's what I do, right? lol ^^; I'm really groggy and confused, because... I haven't sorted out the sleep thing yet. I'm absolutely exhausted. I've been getting off-track with homework, but I hope to remedy that tonight. I've got a Chemistry test tomorrow and I refuse to get less than an "A" on it. Also, my first actual Geography of Michigan quiz is tomorrow, and I'm gonig to study for that as well. ~.~ I'm going to study for my American History tests. I need to try harder... so I don't think so damn much. I'm definently feeling Rathish again... violent, too. u.u' Christ. But this is third hour and I'm pretty sure it'll wear off shortly after lunch. So yeah.. ~.~ Urk. ... @.@ Overwhelmingly illogical, violent, childish, annoyed, irritated... Grr. You're all warned. I'm FINE. Just violent. I don't want to hurt anyone, so jsut no I'm PMS-y. It should wear off by the end of the week.
Still Morning | 10:18 ANYWAYS.
Er, yeah. Anyways, a real update now. I got all easily distracted and stuff, and I was freezing this morning, so plausible thought was absolutely insane. Yes, insane. But now that I'm updating, I can't really think of anything I need to particularly say. I know I'm get more and more violent as the day wears on. Mrs. Rogers (my sophomore Biology teacher) was nice enough to give me a piece of chocolate, in hopes of making me more sociable and less violent.
~.~ *shivershiver*
GOD! It's fucking COLD! @.@ WHY is it so BLOODY-DAMN COLD?! I've got the usual bra and underwear on, then jeans and a t-shirt and gloves, then a sweatshirt and pj pants (hai, bikky-chan-- the penguin ones), and then my dad's coat as well as a winter hat (well, it's cloth, warm and it covers my ears) and like... two pairs of socks. I'm COLD.
......That is all for today.
For right now. I might update again, later.
Morning | 05:44 Oh, it's not THAT much. *twitch...twitch*
Okay, @.@ It's definently too early. I've got 40 minutes of sleep. @.@;; I think I want to change my journal. I don't want some people having it. I don't... Ugh. Whatever.*yawn* I don't know what was up the last two entires, it was weird. Must've been PMS *nodnod* Damn female hormones. And I doubt fighting with the HTML was helping either. Craziness. Just dismiss it as female(ness).
Anyways @.@ I'mma go work on that stuff.
Evening | 20:01 Okay, FINALLY.
Grr. That took forever. I was like... Ranting. A lot. I hope you guys like the new background, considering I went through lots of cursing to get it working.
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