Evening: 7:57 PM
Gah, sick -_-;;
o.- I'm siiiiiick... I came home like... right at the end of first hour. *yawnyawn* and I've got the same headache from Thursday last week. e.e;; Head hurts, nose plugged AND running, eyes watering, throat hurts and that makes my ear ache. o.- -.o o.- ... -_-; Nights. Maybe a new layout when I'm better.
*yawn and a groggy wave*,Squall.
Evening: 7:18 PM
Corny Truthfullness
Alright, I'm alright, but I'll probably be a little sad after this update. No worries, Jami.
*sigh*Aaaaaaaaaaalright. I want to be more than what I am. I want to be *something*. *sigh* I know it's not plausible. I know that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it. No matter how much I try to dispel it, it comes back, strong as ever. I want something, something incomprehensible. *sigh* I want to be ... *shrug* ... I don't know, the one living a secret life, the one balancing school and studies. e.e Yes, I realize it's stupid. Hate me. I thrive off of people thinking I care. u.u;
well, kiddies, that's all for story hour. Watching thing's like Kenshin and reading things like Dragon Knights... -_-;; It only makes me wish I hadn't fallen into such... wants, like those of fantasy things. Things that won't happen.
See you later, dreamer's. . .
Afternoon-ish: 11:20 AM
Quick Update
Okay, I feel a little better. But watching that Kenshin thing today really depressed me. I'll write more when I get home, that i will. You've all got my word, that you have. Biology now, adios.
;; NO KENSHIN TOMORROW,Squall.
Afternoon: 2:55 PM
...Is this all life's about..?
u.u; *sighs* OMG, how many times do we hafta to go through this? I don't see the point in this argument. They're not happy with me being online, they're not happy with me being here. u.u;; If they ask to go to a movie, go putt-putt golf, go shopping, I go, right? They watch me play my games and stuff. What is it she wants? Dad's okay with it. I'm okay with it. What exactly does she want from me? I come up here to be with them, but apparently I don't. God, I'm so confused. Why is that no matter how hard I try, it's not good? Nothing ever works.
There's a song called "True Courage" from the game Rhapsody. All of you, go download it. It speaks my heart better than my Author's Gift could ever fathom.
...
I give up hope,
I just can't cope.
Can't give my all much longer
...
I'm so very tired of living right now. There is nothing more frightening than realizing that there is no hope. I'm so very, very lonely.
Squall.
Afternoon-ish: 11:06 AM
I'm Thinkin'...: (...^o^ Kenshin Year!)
XD Oh my gosh, I am so easily amused, that I am. Tori-chan, Kailey, Jami and I have created Kenshin Year. At first, it was going to be every Thursday, we talk like Kenshin (From "Rurouni Kenshin"). Bu~ut, then Tori-Chan and I were talking, and we thought it should be Tuesday and Thursday. And then, we were like, "Eh, how about Monday, Wednesday and Friday?" *pause* "Ehh, what the hell, let's throw Thursday in." *another pause* "^^ Hell, we'll just make it all week long. Saturday and Sunday are optional."
Thus we have Kenshin Week. All week, every week. And then, we also spoke once more. Our words? As follows:
^o^ FEEL our wisdom. Okay, now I msut go e-mail kailey, that I must.
Squall.
Afternoon-ish: 11:07 AM
I'm Thinkin'...: (... A journal..? what exactly IS a journal..?)
hey everyone! I know it's been awhile, but I'm finally updating again. ^^; At school. The classes are going as always-- pretty boring but very tolerable. Here's the details:
But today was weird feeling. Senorita didn't seem as chipper to me. Maybe it was just from what tori said first hour. *shrug* I didn't think such a happy person was capable of hosting such anger or even a sample of it.
Well, I have to go now, so i'll update later. Maybe. �Adios!
Good-bye,
Squall.
03.20.2003
Afternoon-ish: 11:09 AM
I'm Thinkin'...: (There's no avoidance to this war...?)
...Well, it's lunch and after two boring hours (second *was* kinda funny, though, explanation alter, maybe) I had a ridiculously funny time in third hour. *cackle* Abuela... heh heh. I'll explain in more detail later. Or tomorrow. I dunno when/if i'll get online tonight.
As you can all see below, i was VERY depressed this morning. Got online only to have a huge-ass pop-up tell me about the war in Iraq having started. I really was hoping against that. I don't want anyone hurt.
All first hour and the WHOLE bus-ride, I was quiet, contemplative. It was like a relapse into Squall(ness). And once again, Yami helped me... I depend on her so much. She's my other half... So of course I do. i don't consider it a weakness. Neither should you, *Moriko*.
In closing, Hearts, minna-san.
Squall.
Ungodly Early Morning: 6:40 AM
I'm Thinkin'...: (...War...?)
...So. We attacked Iraq... I've been mixed on information so many times, I couldn't help but hope I was wrong here... Why do we need this? I'm not anti-war, I know something must be done... but still. Humans shouldn't fight each other... They claim to be so much better than animals and beasts... But are they truly? It is not the first time I have wondered... I really don't want anyone to be hurt...
Please, Yami, guide me through this,
Squall.
03.19.2003
Afternoon-ish: 11:20 AM
I'm Thinkin'...: (... Almost done.)
Hey. This is Yami. It's my hikari's lunchhour and she doesn't feel ...well. So I am updating for her. Seeing as only half of her classes have gone by, I can tell you only about those three.
--First hour she did well enough, completing her homework and staying cheerful (isn't she almost always trying to be happy for someone...?It irritates me that other's don't see this effort...) for her friends.
--Second hour was harder. She talked to Kailey for a good aprt of the hour, ever-cheerful, but when she attempted to brighten up her friend (who she bids I leave unnamed) she was denied with harsh words. Though she smiled, and looked wonderingly upon her friend, she bid that she be allowed to rest. I cannot deny her such a thing, so I went to her third hour and finished her Second hour. I am not pleased with her friend for being so rude.
-- Finally, Spanish. The hour went well, though my Hikari forgot to turn in an assignment yesterday and I was not allowed to turn it in for her today. *sigh* It's alright, it's a simply 5-pouint assignment and she can easily make it up with her extra credit peso. Soon I have to leave to Biology for her and I don't mind. I would have done whatever assignment her teacher gave anyways-- she hates that class and is bored by it. u.u;
I need to leave now, there's only two minutes until class starts.
...,
Yami.
03.18.2003
Afternoon-ish: 2:16 PM
I'm Thinkin'...: (... Ow! Wrist cramp!)
Hey everyone. I'm at school, But it's last hour and everything's been okay. We had a lot of sdtrange conversations in 6th hour before we came to the Library to play on the computers. Mer, I *really* hate math. Let's see... I'll run down my day for you:
--First Hour. Okay, Civics, and we finished watching a future-set movie about humanity over-populating the Earth and their being no natural resources left. It really annoyed me, because of it's Truth. Damn the man.
I worked on my Biology homework and stuff. Fun. Got assigned the hmwk for Civics; write a summary of the movie.
--Second hour. Finished my Biology and did my Civics, as we watched the Caesar movie. I paid attention. Really.
--Third Class, spanish. Nothing fun, listened about the war to ensue. �Nada mas!
--Fourth hour, Biology. Quiet, did hmwk. Completed before the end of the hour. Yay.
--Fifth Hour, World History. I *love* that class. We worked on WW2 and some other fun histroy stuff. Hitler. The like.
--Sixth, Already described above better detail when I have time.
Adios!
...,
Squall.
03.13.2003
Afternoon-ish: 11:20 PM
I'm Thinkin'...: (... Blah blah blah!)
At school, just letting you all know I'm alive and will update further when I'm not here. >< At school. Hearts, minna-san.
...,
Squall.
03.07.2003
Evening: 7:44 PM
I'm Thinkin'...: (... Blah blah blah!)
Mer. More mountain dew, but not as much as the effects yesterday. o.O Weird. I'm just sitting her, talking to Jami, listening to Sammie's friends in the background and trying to think of plots. Bwa. Ph34r.
Geometry was HILARIOUS. Joe and I were playing tug-o-war with a pop bottle (he hit me with it) and that-- as you can imagine-- did not look right. And then he tugged it back to him, and held it kinda on his stomach, leaning back in his chair and Mandy glanced at me and was like:
"o_o; Did you just try to grab his dick???"
I grinned and slapped a hand to my forehead and was like,"Yes, yes I did. I'm so sorry, Mandy!" And then she's all,"You're CHEATING on me? With HIM?!". And I, tearfully, nodded. She brightened and was like,"Oh well, that makes me feel better. I've been cheating on you with various guys and girls." And Tony was like "O_O;;;;;; You guys are ... lesbians?" And we-- really aren't but it was funny-- were like "o.o ... *nodnod* *hug each other*" and then Tony was like "O____O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;". Then, Mandy was all moaning while she was hugging me, and she gave me a dirty look and was like "I want you." And I just cracked up laughing. Then we had to explain to Tony, and the whole class was starting at us... it was SO funny.
That's all for now, folks, be amused.
Omg, that was funny,
Squall.
03.06.2003
Late Evening: 10:17 PM
I'm Thinkin'...: (... BWA!)
XD First Mountain Dew I've had in like... a month. I was hyper. Beyond belief. I was all bouncing around, and shouting things, grinning and laughing maniacally. It was funny as all hell. I am so easily amused. School was boring, not too hard. Easy. Yay. Mentally slept. Talked to Yami like... every second. Yelled at a friend to defend a friend. Well, Yami did anyways. u.u; I didn't have the guts to yell at a friend. I'd feel bad. I tried to tell her to stop being rude, but it didn't work. So Yami took care of the problem. lol...
WAHHHHHHH!
Not-exactly-Squall.
Early Morning: 6:30 AM
I'm Thinkin'...: (... *sigh*)
'allo. After playing emotional roulette with life, I'm okay. Again. Yay. *sigh* That gets really irking. Happy, sad, happy, sad, pissed, sad, happy, sad. It's before school, so I can't give you all a lengthy update on what allhappened bu~ut yesterday, I had asnow day. ^o^ No school! I sepnt all day, sleeping, shoveling snow and online. Not in that exact order.
Urk. shit. Have to do World History homework. Mer.
Bwa, see ya all later.
Mer, early.
Squall.
03.04.2003
Early Evening: 5:31 PM
I'm Thinkin'...: (... *sigh*)
Why am I so ... hopeless? It's just Tuesday and I feel so depressed. I want more than anything to be there for my friends, to listen to their problems and offer my advice, but ... more than anything I want to just ... go back. To a long time ago, when things weren't so tough.
I suppose I'm just... tired or something. But I can feel myself slipping. Yami's trying hard to hold on for me. She's doing great. But I don't want her to work for me-- she's my alter-ego, not my carpet.
Honestly. The only thing that helps anymore is borderline obsessive RP-ing. I just lose myself in the angst of my character, putting my emotion into him and letting him live my reality. It's sad when I can relate to somebody like me and jami's RPG Rath. u.u; But... You know what?
Fuck this. Fuck depression. I've got better god-damned things to do, and I'll do them, damnit! I don't know what they are. But they're fucking fun. Watch gundam wing, play a few Duels, play around online. Read a book. Write a story. Better things to do than sit here and wallow in my fucking self-pity like some goth (sorry if you feel abused). I say fuck that. I will not let something as menial as self-loathing or pity rule my life.
FUCK. THAT.
I'll be damned proud of my ability to draw. To write. To fucking live. Sure, I swear, rant. Sure I'm rude, spiteful and even hateful to most. Who cares? I don't. Fuck it. I'm not wasting my time. Being depressed gets you no where. And I refused to be ruled by anything. Not even depression. I'm a goddamned person. Who cares what you think...? I don't. Better things to do than worry about what some other people think when I can create my own ideals.
Jami, gleam what advice you can from this. Key words: Fuck this. It's fun deciding not to waste your life worrying about something. Fun deciding not to be ruled. By anything.
I'll be happy if I want to.
Squall.
02.23.2003
Afternoon: 3:23 PM
I'm Thinkin'...: (Why'm I so goddamn happy...?)
o.O I'm like... really happy, and I dunno why. I'm content with being here and all that raz. So you all can see why I dunno, or maybe find out why, I'll detail my day:
I woke up at the ungodly hour (for a weekend) of 10 am, to which I remembered my dad now works night shifts, so he's home in the mornings. ^.^ So I snatched up some clothes, threw said clothing on and rushed out to tackle him on the couch. I sat with him for a little before wandering off to play vid-games, which didn't last long, because I had to then come out and eat breakfast (n.n pancakes and sausage, with a glass o' Sunny D). I went a watched a little more T.V. with Dad, then played games (joined occassionally by dad as he wandered by) until I decided to interupt dad's watching-of-the-race to play my games out here in all my glory. So he could watch me die horribly. ^^ Kind, huh?
Then, I ate lunch (meatloaf and mash potatoes!) and now I'm doing homework. No real reason to be so happy, so why...?
Oddly Happy...
Squall.
02.22.2003
Late Evening: 8:47 PM
I'm Thinkin'...: (ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!)
Not much goin' on today, I spent pretty much all day sleeping or at my cousin Dana's bridal shower. >< I don't wanna act like a girl ever again. It irks me. What really irks me is that I can't find any good yu-Gi-Oh Yaoi sites. u.u;
Amused...
Squall.
02.21.2003
Evening: 6:15 PM
I'm Hearin'...: (Life's Just.. A Duel. That's How the World Is Made. But Are We Really Players...? Or Are We Bein' Played?)
Well, I spent today sleeping till ten. ^^; And then I wasted it further by sleeping some more. ;; Now I'm online and no one else is. I'm also ungodly happy and that frightens me. I'm always happy when I'm up north. ^o^ No school today or monday has NOTHING to do with it. << >> But perhaps sitting outside burning things with dad helped. *shrug* I changed the thing that normally says Day __ to the date and day. Useful. The thing that (for today) says Life's just a Duel is from some of that there Duelist music I listen to cause... I'm a Duelist. Scary thought...
I like that song. It's called "One Card Short". I'll post ya some lyrics later. ^^ I'mma go bond with my dad now, so I'll see ya'll later.
Amused...
Squall.
Day 05:
Late evening: 10:08 PM
I'm Hearin'...: (Egyptian secrets are revived, ancient powers have survived. We want the rights, not black-and-whites, friends will help to win the fight. Solve the puzzle's mystery, unlock a hero's destiny, now alter-ego's no one knows, side-by-side they fight their foes..!)
Weeeeeellllllll I'm better minna-san, don't why anything was wrong in the first place, let's just say I was held by darkness a little too long. It's been taken care of now. Sides, I just got back home from up north, and Dueling and I'm all... awake and crap. Bwa. No real update, or anything to say, but hi and I live!
Duel Madness...
Squall.
Day 04:
Late Afternoon: 4:32 PM
I'm Hearin'...: (Even though you make me cry... so many times. It's still my will to be with you again.)
Oh god, it's already starting. I forgot the fuckin' Gardwn was running. But... with what is all happening in light of recent events, you'd say "well, no shit you're not updating Squall!" But, in light of knowing me you'd probably blindly live on in your own little bliss, ignoring the fact that your god-damned bullet sponge does have feelings. Scary thought, hm? I'm afraid to elaborate, because some who knows me irl might get a hold of this. It's hard blocking Yami from seeing this too... She won't be happy when she finds out-- and I do mean when, because I know she will-- so I don't know why I bother. Guess I'll regret it later.
And on the thing up top, don't ask. I don't feel like explaining.
*sigh* Okay, here goes. I'm going to make a real entry. God forbid anyone who cares may read this. That means you, J, cannot yell at me later and if you tell Yami before she stumbles upon it herself, I'll beat you with a ... kitten or some other cute object. Ph34r.
Anyways. I was listening to my Yu-Gi-Oh! CD earlier (go me...) and I was listening to *gasp* number 10, that sappy song I said I'd hate. Yeah, well, it's nice and I like it. Except it depressed me today. Hid that from Yami too. Don't tell her. v.v; Bu~ut. . . The lyrics are:
Think of us and we�ll be there
In your heart forever
Sometimes when you�re unsure
Sometimes when you�re afraid
At times it�s hard to live
With the choice you have made
Turn around and we�ll be there
Always by your side
When it�s time to stand the test
I know you�ll shine above the rest
When you try and find your way
We�ll be there X4
Hold out your hand
Your promise to be true
Will make us always a part of you.
When it�s time to stand the test
I know you�ll shine above the rest
When you try and find your way
We�ll be there X4
(We�ll be there lightly in the background)
We�ll stick together through thick and thin
Cause that�s the meaning of being a friend
And when it�s time to stand the test
Friendship shines above the rest.
v.v;; Yeah, corny, I know, but on strange occasions it encourages me. Makes me happy to live. *shrug* Don't care what you think. ANYWAYS. Apart from being distracted and before Yami wakes up. . . My friend, whom I'll call Lost, well she got it real deep a while back. She came to me, telling me she was going to try to kill herself. Well, fuck, can't have that going on, come on-- she's my friend! I told her, and what quite truly saved her life later that night (she called and said so...) was what I told her earlier that day. My words were simple and heart-felt:
"If you can think of no other reason to live, no better reason, then live for your friends. Live for those who need you. At the very least... live for me."
Well, lately she's pulled away from me, and don't get me wrong, it's okay, I realize she needs space.
But... I like to think I hold up on being a friend, don't I? I don't want to sound mean or haughty or anything, but... I'm there for my friends, I tell them they can fall on me no matter what, I bail them out when then need it--detentions, trouble, money--, whatever I have, it's their's should they need it-- cash, food, books, homework-- anything I own, they're welcome to have...
I don't ask them to pay me back... But, please, is it so bad to ask that they stay around for once..? I don't want to seem clingy or anything, but every friend I've ever had... Well, they don't stay long. I guess it must be me. I offer them everything I have, defend them heart and soul, and even physically should it come to it, I offer all I can mentally and try not to pour my problems on them. I know everyone's got worse problems. Family/friends going to fight, family problems, drugs, alcohol and the like, but I just wish someone would stay around... What hurt the most is when my best friend left. I mean... my best friend since kidnegarden, I understand that she needs her own crowd, but... couldn't she at least give me a little thought? Wait, I'm being selfish, she got me a Christmas present, which was very nice.
*sighs again* I just... Sweet Goddess, Manda's left me, Marci, Tori, Kris, Jenny, Kailey, Chrissie, Kaila, Ashley, Terri, Joe, Jesse, Ben, A,now Lost. . . I know I'm not good. I know I'm a bad influence. I know I'm not cool, I know I passionately hate drugs, and alcohol and sex between people who aren't married and in love! I know parents hate me because I say exactly what I mean! I know I'm no good when it comes to comforting or listening or any of that shit! I know people get mad at me a lot, I know I don't try enough! But... isn't there one person who wouldn't mind holding true to those lyrics?
Sweet Darkness... Hold Me..? Just till the pain's gone...
Squall.
