Squall's Journal.
Sweet Darkness, Hold Me...
Well, I guess I've come to terms with myself. I don't care if they are or
aren't my friends(But, by God, Jami, you have my eternal thanks...). It makes no matter to
me. Hate me or love me, just don't expect much back from me, my comrades. (...It's no
big deal...just too sudden of a change for them.) Besides-- I have school to focus on and
everything else. If I don't have to be someone else...(...God, they have no idea how much
easier it'll be...). I guess I'll still update. It'll be the only thing I'll get online for, I guess.
Well, I'll talk to you all later... I have to go.
(I'm still not sure what the world wants, but I might as well oblige it...),
Kel.
By God... It's going easier than I expected... With an exception (Who is
best left unnamed...). I knew she'd never understand it. (She never does understand me...)
She was my best friend. MY GOD DAMNED BEST FRIEND! And she
doesn't catch this! God, she's such a damned kid, she couldn't mature if she tried... I went
to sleep, feeling dizzy and tired. It wasn't a relaxing rest. Before I slept I thought...:
(Did I do the right thing..?)
(Was it right to tell them who...or what...I really am..?)
(I wonder what everyone thought..?)
(What will zea say when I see her next..?)
(Manda...Kry...Kry knew...she won't patronize me the way Zea did...)
When I finally slept, I was plagued by my friends angry faces... and their
horrible words. ...The worse part is... I pulled out my sword, and killed them. Everyone
one of them. Save one.(...I don't know who
I left alive...) and then, I screamed after killing my two old best friends last, and earth burst
into black flames. After burning for a little, it cracked and burst like a shattered globe of
glass. Leaving me standing there, alone, with a black-crimson glow about my vision, sword
in hand and dripping with the blood of my friends. Then, the one I left alive walked out
from somewhere with a white and light blue glow. I collapsed to my knees crying and the
friend walked over, put her hand on my shoulder. She whispered something, then the
dream tore apart, leaving me awake and cold... God's it near scared the piss outta me.
...Got comments? Send 'em here: Dream deciphering
(Kry is my true best friend, I guess.) She may be a little moody...but she
doesn't think only of herself... like my best friend since...
It's a little later. I just told all of my friends what(...who?) I really am... I wonder if they'll
care. Here's a copy of the e-mail I sent:
Okay, a few of you will have no idea what I'm talking about. [That being
Patrick, Ben, Brad, Heather and Jesse.] A few will be completely dumb-founded. [That's
Kristina, Zea and Manda.] The rest of you will know. [You're Panno, Chris, Hani and
Kry.] And one of you will be confused and left-out. [He's Crono.]
Now. To start: I am not whoever the hell you thought I was. Not that the
preliminaries are taken care of... I am not a joyful, talkative overly-happy person. The best
likeness of me I can think of to convey me is Squall from Final Fantasy 8. If any of you
play, you know him.
I am a morose, antisocial and all-around "I don't give a damn about what
you think, if you care or how you feel" person.
I think - a lot. It never stops. I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm here.
But I don't really care. All I need is to find answers to me. Why, what and where.
For G-Wing fans that don't know Squall, think Heero but a little less dense.
I comprehend, I just don't care. I'm doing this because I'm tired of being who you want me
to be. Those I see IRL [Zea, Kry, Jesse, Ben, Patrick, Heather, Kristina and Manda] will
probably have a hard time comprehending this. Too bad. Do it. If you can't, then stay away
from me. I don't need you hanging on me and asking me questions about stupid things I
couldn't care less if you knew.
As for Patrick, I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what I was thinking by
telling you I had a crush on you. It was unkind. Because now...I'm me and no one ever
likes me. With the exception on Chris, who seems to think I'm something to dissect.
One last thing: I am _not_ nor will I ever be suicidal. How pathetic can you
get?[...no offense to those/most of you that are.Actually wait. I do mean to offend you.
Maybe make you think. But then again.. I don't want you to actually have to live or
something stupid like that.] I _need_ to find those anwsers I spoke of. If you guys are
suicial because you know the answers or don't care about them... I wish I was you. Pout,
threaten to end it all, think of a reason to live and then do it again. It's so much easier than
having to think things through. Much easier than having to deal with life. Much easier than
having to know those answers...Than having to look for them. I think you're lucky, to be
ready to kill yourselves. I wish I was. But if I don't know those anwsers? Hell, I have
nothing. ...There's _nothing_ for me without those questions and their elusive answers.
Okay, to make sure everyone's got it, I composed a list.
Well. Goodbye then. Sorry if I startled any of you into knowledge about
me. I assumed none of you knew [apart from those stated.]. Oh, and zea? I'm sorry. I
guess I got tired of being what everyone else wanted me to be. Too bad for those that care.
If you don't want to talk to me, i understand. If you want to dissect me, don't expect me to
be willing. If you want to scold me, don't expect me to bow down and thank you for
opening me to the light. If you want to pat my shoulder and say it's okay... I'm not sure
what I'll do about that. Other than that... Do as you wish.
(My god, they'll kill me.) Let them do what they will...
...Hello. I don't have much to write except that we're going to my
grandparent's today to watch more fireworks(...It's nice enough.). I wonder... (Will anyone
talk to me today..?)
(They probably think your insane, unstable...)
(Probably.)
(...You don't care?)
(Not anymore.)
...Yeah. I guess I really don't give a damn what anyone thinks anymore. I'm
like some freak science expirament to them...(i can't believe it... The people I considered
friends...)
(...You weren't exactly a friend to them. You made a big lie out of yourself.)
(...Shut up.)
...I'm not sure what I want, or what anyone else wants for that manner...
(...but I never knew what I want.)
(What the Hell does the world want from me..?),
Kel.
That's just great... I try to be me around others. I try it with Panno and Jami,
two of my most trusted friends. And what happened... Jami lectures me about the evil's of
not being me
(...maybe she's right.)
(...maybe.)
and Panno got all pissed and told me,"-.o Fuck you too then, bitch."
(Is she right, too?)
(It's more than likely.)
See? By God, people can't take the real me! It scares them, or pisses them off or worries
them!
I give up until school... Then I'll try once more.( But I won't lie here... It's my god
damn journal, I will be me, dammit!)
...I'm tired. I shouldn't have lost my temper...but I won't say I'm sorry, or
my mind will cotradict me. I'm not sorry. I really don't give a damn about what anyone
thinks about my temper. Today, I just don't care.
Great! Now someone let it loose and everyone's trying to disect me!! (Yes,
everyone come pick at the freak of nature... she doesn't know what she's doing or why
she's here!! Let's take her brain apart!)...
(Through the journal...)
(...)
...I should go... This isn't well... not right now.
This being-me thing isn't working...
Kel.
Well...Here I am again. I forgot to tell you what I did yesterday. We started
by going to my grandparents where they are camping and then we went to see the
Beaverton Fireworks. But we decided we didn't want to sit in the big crowd (Mostly my
vote...) so we went back to grandma and grandpa's camp spot to watch their fireworks ,but
they decided they weren't going to do any... So, we went and saw the Men In Black 2
Movie then went home to set our own fireworks off. It was... nice.
(...did you now? You didn't seem even slightly amused.)
(...I had fun.)
(You make it sound like it was an order and you carried it out.)
(Shut up.)
Anyways, after that, I came in and read my book and almost finished it.
This morning I did oomplete it, but only to realize I had made a mistake... I read the first
then third then second of the triliogy... Damn me. It's of no consequence now, I'll just start
another series (I am a avid reader...ever since I was little).
Stories of Fantasy, swords, knights, lords and ladies astound me... I just
enjoy them.
Anyways. Today we are going to visit Dad and Cheryl's (..Cheryl's my
step-mom) friend somewhere. I don't want to. I really don't care for this loud and
obnoxious lady. (Is just me, or is that I barely got more than Michigan's Adventure out of
this vacation..? ...No matter.)
This Vacation is getting annoying,
Kel.
Hey... Happy Holidays.
(Do you really care?..)
(Shut up, Dammit!)
How is everyone? I hope you're well. (...Do you really?) It's the
forth of July, Independance day for the U. S. of A.
(But you know you don't care...)
(Shut up..!)
and in any manner. My dogs are terrified, my step mom wants the
computer in 18 minutes and I'm tired. It takes a lot to look at fireworks, smile, giggle and
fake a look of childish amazement...
(I hope my parents or my step-mom never reads this...)
(You know it would break their hearts...)
(shush!)
Well... goodnight. I have to fake more kid-like wonder...
Having trouble faking wonderment,
Kel.
...Hi again everyone(Everyone... such a simple word lingers on my mind
for so long.). Wow... seven days and 47 hits, 4 of which are mine. Impressive for me. I
guess I'm on too early... no one's online..
(Is that bad or good?)
(I don't know!)
...Anyways... We'll leave for the movie at 6:00 to 6:30 PM...Then right
after, we'll go to the fireworks(I guess I can't be me again...).
(How sad...You can only be you when your all alone...)
(I said shut up!)
In any manner though, I'll write to you (...you. Are you even
there..?) later.
We'll be going to the movie today. I guess I'll be fine being in my
Zell-persona... for now.No one ever thinks I'm anything but talkative, hyper, and
all-around happy-go-lucky
( ...but that's what you made them think...)
(shut up!)...
Well, I'll update later... good-bye.
Just... Full of Painful Thoughts,
Kel.
We didn't go to the movies. My step-mom's back hurts too much. But I mananed to be me the whole time. It wasn't hard. Very comfortable, actually. But the more I thought (...basically what I did the entire time...) the more I realized:
I don't and never will want to kill myself. It's just...well...
My thoughts went somewhat like this:
(...Who are you?)
(...I don't really know.)
(...Where are you going to go..?)
(I...don't know that, either...)
(...What will you do..?)
(...I can't tell you.)
(...Why not?)
(...Because I don't know.)
(You don't know anything...do you..?)
(...I guess not.)
And the whole time in the back of my mind, something said:
We (Whitney and I) just got back from swimming. Whitney's going home
right now. My family won't be back until 6:30 PM. That means three and a half hours of
being me. Can I take it or will I be too afraid and escape back into my Zell-persona? (...I
wonder..?) I guess I'll tell you if I made it or not later. Unfortunently, being me around
other people with have to wait until school. BecauseWe are going to the movies tonight
(...Men in Black 2.) and I know they expect me to smile, laugh and be the person they
know as me... (God...If your there, can you save me..?No. Don't...I'll do this on my own.)
Sorry all. I skipped yesterday because we left and 8:00 AM and returned
from Michigan's Adventure at 12:01 AM (It was a little too tiring to update...)I didn't even
get to be myself. I found a problem in being me(take note: I speak of Day Four: 11:57 PM
message). I can't help but slip into my Zell mask. *sighs* I was doing fine but my dad
yelled at me out for being "Callous" and when I told him "whatever" and started to walk
back to the truck he yanked me back by the arm and told me "You'd better get your act
together, little girl." I am begining (once again...) to hate life. No one lets me be who I am.
(Does this happen to anyone else?)...I wonder. Well, I'll see you later then...(you...no
one's ever there.)
Striving and failing to be just me,
Kel.
Hi, How is everyone? (Everyone? Meaning someone reads this..?) I guess
I'm a little depressed (or maybe just tired?) and for you Final Fantasy 8 fans, this is my
Squall mood. Very quiet, anti-social, and very contemplative. Maybe I'll be even more like
him and go think while laying on my bed, trying vehmently to sleep...Believe it or not, this
is how I am in real life. On the internet, I'm way too chipper and peppy. I guess it kinda
pisses me off that everyone- family and friends even- think I'm all Duo Maxwell/Zell like...
Then When I try to be me they get all pissy and keep asking me what's wrong. Think I
should stop being so false, just to comfort them..? Tell me...Mood
Swing Havoc. Bye all (all...like someone's there).
Really, Really, contemplating,
Kel.
Hi everyone! I'm back from swimming, but I intend on going down there
again(really soon). I bought lots and lots of candy with Whitney's money. n.n' (sorry Q!)
See you all later!
Man! I'm so sorry (again!!) everyone! That game is just so enthralling (u.u'
I've been playing it since 7:30 AM...)! And the battle scenes are really legnthy (But I don't
hate them for it!), it's just a great game. Still no e-mail's from you guys? Come on! 21 hits, 2
are me and no e-mails? What's up with that(please guys? I crave feedback!)?? In case you
forgot, 'mail me here: Give
Kel Feedback! Oh well, I guess that what the guestbooks are here for, right? Well, I'll
update later because I'm off to work (erm, I'm to get a counter for the front page, I mean.)!
Hey, did I mention that my friend is here today til wednesday! She should get here in a
little bit. Her name is Whitney (Did I already tell all of you this..?)Houston. Well, I'll see
you all later! (She's here and wants to go swim a the lake.)
Really, Really, really over-heated,
Kel!
Guess what again!! I just took a quiz from MutedFaith.com and it turns out I am... e.e lots of
stuff. Go See what I am, here.
Hi all! Guess what? We have an add-on(person, that is.)! Her name is Jami, I'm sure you'll like her(I know her from AIM and MSN
messenger). I'm glad she's joining us, the more the marrier, right? Well, I expect a lot from
her, cause she's really cool. Go Jamu-san!!!
Hi People!! Today, I spent my entire morning playing that
Eternal Eyes game (I just stopped...). I haven't seen Panno yet today, but
that's probably because I've been playing that game all morning. No one's e-mailed me
about anything yet(That's what makes me wonder if anyone's reading this...).Well, I guess
all I'll really do today(on the site, that is)
is look for a guestbook(Maybe another thing so generously provided by bravenet.com?).
And Tonight I'm going to watch Die Hard 2 (e.e sorry everyone, I have a small obbsession
with Die Hard movies... n.n;;) at 8:00 pm. Oh, and on Tuesday (Did I already say this..?)
I'm going to Michigan's Adventure and I'm taking my friend Krystal with me! It'll be fun,
and(as always) I'll write about it when I come back.
I thought about you guys today! I was playing the game and I would
glance at the computer every so often and think (I really should go type to them.)
(Them... I don't even know if anyone reads my journal!!) (But if anyone does, I should
type.). Hey, for any of you that read this, Thanks, it means a lot to me. It's nice to do
something (anything, really) and know that someone's actually breathing (especially if it's a
journal...You'll feel like you're talking to yourself.) and paying attention.
Well, before I annoy you(you...Whoever you are...), I'll say
bai. Bai!
Well met, friends! Today, I'm not sure what I'll do other than work on the
site, sleep and play my new game!! Just letting you all know I just got home(Man, am I
beat!!) from 'someone else's'(Joey's, in paticular).I guess I'll talk to you all (you all
being..?)later today!!(I am sooooooo off to sleep...)
Really, Really Terribly Tired,
Kel!
Hey, I'm back from the party (well, actually I'm not back, because I'm
working at someone else's house). I didn't eat much of anything (but they had lots of good
food!!) but I had lots of fun. I barely knew anyone there but it was still fun. My dad's friend
Denny, Joey and Frank were there (There weren't a lot of people...) too. I bought a video
gamne, too(for Playstation)! It's called Eternal Eyes.Can anyone tell me about it?If
so...[email protected]. Well, I guess I'll write a bit later(...Is anyone
reading this?). Panno will have to get us a guestbook(I got the counter!!). Well,
goodbye(for now...)!
Hi, again (Maybe I shouldn't write so much..?)! Well, fo a lack for anything
new to do, I decided to write to you. We leave at 3 pm for the party(Still can't wait!). I
hardly know (ah, what's his name?)Will. I wonder if any of my friends look at this. I sent it
out to them all... Tell me, do you like the buttons at the bottom? Or should I do
something else? (I guess I like them.) Send all suggestions to [email protected]. I'm looking for a counter. I'll use bravenet for
now,(I guess) but if anyone carries a better suggestion... Send it here: [email protected].
Well met, everyone! I know it's early, but I'm excited. This is the first day
of my vacation (I'm excited!) and what I'm doing today is going to a friends' graduation
party (Dad's friends' son). I'll be sure to write about everything when I come back, but I'll
miss my friends (I wonder if anyone's reading this? We'll have to get a counter...). See you
after the party!
Really, Really Excited,
Kel!
Hi, everyone! I'm Kel, short for Kelemvor (I'm nicknamed for a charcter in
a book). This is my first try at a site like this. I'm glad I have someone to work with, like
Panno! Oh, and by the way, the background picture was by Zea
At Her site, Vampire Works
(check it out!). I suppose you want to know a little about me...
Real First Name: Aya
Nickname: Kelemvor Lyonsbane
Nickname from: The Forgotten Realms; Avatar Triliogy by Richard Awlinson (I
think?)
E-mail: [email protected],[email protected]
AIM:TrueBlaydeWolf
MSN Messenger:[email protected] {Kelemvor}
Age: 14
Birthday: August 20, 1987
Location: Burt/Gladwin, Michigan (Mom~Burt, Dad~Gladwin)
Folks: Divorced, and remarried, but still good friends.
Hobbies: Anime, drawing, writing, creating lax sites, being a nature freak and
being a computer freak.
Sentiments on humans: I hate almost all of them. I deny that I am a human. n.n
hi. I am not insane, just opinionated.
Side notes: (...thoughts...) I love dad, mom, Ron, Cheryl, Gramma and grandpa's,
sis and adopted online family's!
I'm starting my vacation with my dad tonight.We are going to visit lots of
places! Michigan's Adventure, Rose City and many more! I'll be sure to write about it when
I get back! Well, I have to get back to work. I have the index page to finish and yeah.
Going To Have Lots of Fun,
Kel!
