The Whose Line Quotebook

Ryan

"Are you wearing a Milk Duds?"

"But you're not a band unless you play an instrument."

"Dear Diary, Ryan looked at me today. How I wish I was sitting on his lap."

"Dear Diary, when will people find out that I'm not really a man?"

"Hep! Hep! Hep!"(pause to add "L" in the sand)"Help! Help!"

"I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982."

"I'd like to give you the weather for the next 50 years: Sun in L.A., rain in Seattle."

"I'd like to see Phyllis Diller in spandex!"

"I'm just a weatherman, I didn't ask to play God today!"

"I'm just giving the audience time to read the novel that is my suggestion"

"I said to Colin, did you know that was me? He goes, yeah. I go, how did you know? He goes, I know your lips."

"Noah... Noah! ...pick up the phone! [Random babbling] STORM HITS!"

"Oh, my god! He's choking on a hundred dollar bill!"

"Remember the alimony!"

"...The letter 'H'!"

"Welcome to Hawaii. How'd you get here in a car?"

"We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon... so let's just get rid of Oregon."

"What really got her hot was all my fancy shoes!"

"Yes, I will see her, and I hope she's not on her pyramid."

"You know Col, in 1964, I received my draft notice to go to Vietnam... Unfortunately, I was 5 years old."

"You know, I find when my wife is cheating, it's best to put her in an oven at three-fifty for two hours."

Colin

"As our regular viewers know, I'm a child of the streets."

"As our regular viewers know, I'm always right on the edge of hip. Or maybe on the edge of hip replacement, it's hard to say."

"Aluminum, the condom you can trust"

"Bathe the whales!"

"Bed cot filly papers? Red Hot Chili Peppers!"

"Cut, cut, cut! We can't do that, that's demeaning to women. Plus your boobs aren't big enough."

"Do do do doo! I have no hair!"

"Don't cry, you're not that good an actor!"

"Funny enough, that show closed 3 hours before it opened."

"Give me liberty... or a Bran muffin!"

"Here, have some pie. Remember the a la mode!"

"How the hell would I know? If I knew about self-defence, d'you think I'd be here with some guy's hand up my [beep]?"

"I can't believe we're going to die like this; good, bad and ugly!"

"[rejected Jeopardy categories] I'll take animal genitalia audio clues."

"[professions where breaking out into song is not encouraged] I'M A MIME!"

"I'm an exotic dancer! I will do anything if you just spare my husband! - Darling, please be careful! Whoom-chucka-chuka, Whoom-chucka-chucka!"

"I'm fine, Drew, I seem to have lost my battery pack somewhere in the area of my buttocks. It's okay, my pack is halfway up my ass..."

"I'm the only white meat!"

"It all seemed too easy. Way too easy. That's when he did something totally unexpected. Something so crazy and wild it took me totally by surprise. Even though it was kind of funny, it still was really weird. (Ryan kisses Colin)"

"It's almost like I have no idea what the hell is going on!"

"Last time I saw him, he tried to murder me. But when you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet and burning it... you'd better make sure they're dead."

"Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy!"

"No! I will not be tempted by the fanny of darkness!"

"Nothing really scares me; I know no fear
Nothing scares me since Ryan licked my ear"

"Nothing says Valentine's more than a bald damsel..."

"Now, why don't we go over to our weather man, Bud Ugly! Bud?"

"[To Ryan] Oh, I wish you had genitalia..."

"Oh no, no more Beegees. How will I stay alive, stay alive?"

"Our top story: Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women."

"Some of those high notes go straight to my testicles!"

"That musical won fifteen Tonys and a Jeff."

"The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbara Streisand, Bruce Springsteen; these are just some of the people who have threatened to sue if we use their songs. "

"They're all wearing toupees."

"This CD has more hits than a porn website!"

"We couldn't get the Supremes, but we got the next best thing, the Mediocres."

"Welcome to Rhode Island ... Thanks for visiting Rhode Island."

"We're watching animal porn!"

"We've come up with a hair removal process that will make you 10 times sexier than anyone with lots of hair and a big nose"

"Why Ryan, that's almost like humor!"

"[Ending a relationship in song] You are dead to me- Nothing but scum! When I look in your eyes... I get inflammation of the bum! You make me feel putrid! (Ryan starts to take him back to their side) I hate the way you-"

"You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories."

"You know, in the 1970s when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called 'The Happy Funk Band'. Unfortunately, a typo caused us to be expelled from school. "

"You seemed real easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese."

Wayne

"I feel 10 pounds lighter and a little dirty."

"Fu-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh baby."

Drew

"Five thousand points a piece and, hey kids, if you're at home watching this with your parents, just pretend you didn't understand that last one."

"I don't know where you came up with that spankin' Ryan thing, but get out of my head, man."

"If you're watching on a TV that's made in America... we're all naked."

"I'm Drew Carey and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt!"

"It's good to know that when the world is in danger Captain Bloodloss will be there."

"I wish everybody had to make every announcement about their shortcomings like that... do do do doo! Ryan's shoes are too loud!"

"Just for the record, there is no mafia, and I would like to give a million points apiece to all our Italian-American independent businessmen friends."

"Man, two hundred crew guys just yelled, 'My mortgage!'"

"Take it away, Wayne and the Crackers!"

"The crowd is screaming for Beauty Salon- so am I! (raises voice a few octaves)BEAUTY SALON!!"

"[to Colin]...Thought he had him till he sucked on your nipple."

"Was anyone else turned on by the thought of Brad Sherwood grabbing you by the scruff of the neck and yelling, 'bad boy, bad boy!' ?"

"Well, that'll be a thousand points to Ryan, who had the great idea of standing on his head so he didn't have to rap anymore."

"Who says pale Canadians can't breakdance?"

"Yeah, Ryan used to have two shows before he called me a fat horse on national TV."

"You know, those mints are curiously strong when you put ALL of them into your mouth!"

"You like happy ending? Play the show backwards."

"You're going to be contestants on a dating type show, hoping to be picked by Chip... and aren't we all?"

Greg

"Look, I know this is our first date, but... I LOVE YOU! BE WITH ME!"

"Perhaps you'd like to make love to my mistress before I FONDUE THE WORLD! Mwahahahaha!"

"The THIRD of each animal species?!" (screams)

"Wait a minute, he didn't take her on a date. He had a lap dance, there's a big difference"

"Watch out for those tempo changes man! When he hit into the second bridge, this shit takes off!"

Chip

"And if you were a werewolf, you'd get some hair on your head!"

"Before I guess, I choose Larry."

"Cantaloupe tonight?"

"Don't look at my hog... or my motorcycle!"

"I broke Ryan!"

"If I were a drink, I'd be a margarita because I'm tall... salty... and I always have tequila in me"

"Packed, I can almost hear you, but I've got my fingers in my ears."

"Right now Wayne, I'm Chip's ahoy"

"Sure, it was a blind date, but I wasn't blind enough!"

"[SFAH: What Drew Whispers in his date's ear] What's your name again?"

Brad

"I think Bachelor number two wasn't held enough as a child."

"Once you gog, you can't stog!"

"STOP RINGING MY DOORBELL!"

"The last guy tried to get out of me writing him a ticket by saying, 'Kiss me, big boy, kiss me like there's no tomorrow!'...as I recall, I didn't write that ticket."

"Would you like to see what's behind zipper number one?"

"You are so effervescent, Your lightbulb is fluorescent, And I am out of rhymes!"

Jeff

"And the Lord said to the chickens of Israel, Thou hast befowled the earth"

"That's right. Thats ri- No, slower..."

"This escalator doesn't go anywhere!"

Denny

Groups

Wayne: And bachelor number three is the collected works of s- uh,
Drew: No.
Wayne: Alfred-
Drew: No.
Wayne: Steph-
Drew: No.
Wayne: -en
Drew: No.
Wayne: Is all the characters
Drew: No.
Wayne: Is, uh, hor... hor-
Drew: No.
Wayne: Bachelor number three
Drew: Yes
Wayne: Is one man... who embodies
Drew: No- it says here he's a frustrated writer going insane at a remote hotel. How could you not get that?

Ryan: And we've composed 6 songs on 8 CDs all about women! I don't know about you Col, but I love 'em!
Colin: I love 'em... more! That's right, I'm not as secure in my sexual identity! I love women! (Colin's eyes shift back and forth nervously) ...Sleep. (Ryan falls asleep) When you awake, you will forget I ever said that. Awake!
Ryan: (wakes back up) And we've composed 6 songs on 8 CDs all about women! I don't know about you Col, but I love 'em!
Colin: (nervous giggle) Yeah me too!"

Colin: As long as there have been sweaty men in tights fighting each other and bumping into ropes and doing various stuff like that, there has been hundreds and hundreds of songs written about them. From the early days of Greece to the later days of Pompeii...and even now where people wrestle not only for profit but for fun and to teach the younger people that there's a better way of working out your problems...
Ryan: Do you mind lf I just sell the CD?
Colin: Oh, okay.
Ryan: Apparently the movie is over now.

Drew: Australian soap opera.
Audience member: Disaster!
Ryan: Oh, it'll be a disaster.

Wayne: Bachelor number one is a... jilted ex-boyfriend.
Drew: And where do those usually show up?
Wayne: ...At my house?

Ryan: Colin, a little fact here, I'm not sure... do you know what it costs to make one size eighteen she?
Colin: No Ryan, no
Ryan: Three hundred and fifty dollars. And that's for one shoe, ladies and gentlemen, one shoe- most of these players wear two."

Ryan: Colin, what do you get when a Smurf relieves himself on the lawn?
Colin: Crap grass?
Ryan: No, bluegrass. And that's our next music style.
Colin: Although Ryan, I believe that no matter what your outside color is, all urine is the same.
Ryan: That's true.
Colin: It's what's inside that counts.
Ryan: You give hope to a lot of people.

Ryan: Colin, what do you think of when I say "beaches and barbeques"?
Colin: Cottage cheese... nothin' like putting cottage cheese on the grill and-
Ryan: -You and your Canadian traditions...

Colin: Come on, make fun of the bald guy. I'll be your lightning rod of hate!
Drew: All right. You asked for it. This next game is for Ryan and Baldy.

Drew: "Difficult questions for Mommy to answer."
Wayne: Mommy, how come no one looks like me on Friends?
Drew: I said difficult questions

Ryan: Do you know the way to San Jose?
Colin: Route sixty-six
Ryan: Oklahoma...
Colin: ...theme from Titanic

Ryan: Have you ever heard of the town Moosejaw, Saskatchewan?
Colin: Isn't that right beside Left ...Noob?

Ryan: Hey I'll tell ya, those songs are one band...
Wayne: Shut yo' mouth!

Ryan: How much would you pay for a 4-CD set like this, Colin?
Colin: Well gosh, I'd pay upwards of my life savings!
Ryan: ...and that's all we expect of you!

Drew: I don't know why I laugh so much when you get hurt.
Colin: (imitates lightning zap)

Drew: I felt bad the whole scene because I called him a freak.
Ryan: I felt great when I was doing that monkey thing.

Greg: If only you got to see what Colin and I got to see.
Ryan: Little Richard.
Greg: He was dealin' so much more than a meal...

Drew: I'm trying to work it out where I don't have to show up at all.
Ryan: Damn close...

Ryan: I'm voting for myself. I want to get the hell out of here.
Greg: The first vote is for Ryan. ...Ryan, this is in your handwriting.

Drew: It's like a bad high school dream...
???: Or a good one.

Ryan: Las Vegas. The city that never sleeps.
Colin: And the sleeper that never is a city. Doesn't really work when you reverse it, does it?

Ryan: Look how beautiful you are
Colin: I am beautiful but you know what? You are beautiful too.
Ryan: No I am not ...don't look at me... I'm not beautiful...
Colin: I didn't mean on the outside.

Brad: Nice genis.
Ryan: You're gonna gay for that.
Colin: You have to excuse Geter, sometimes he can be a little grick.

Ryan: I'm just telling you one of my favorite music styles.
Colin: Boy, I didn't clue in to that at all!

Colin: She drove into my gas station. She looked like she'd been under a car for three days. But there was something mystical, something alluring in those eyes. I knew I had to serve her. Fill her up?
Ryan: Yeah, why don't you stick your hose in there and pump away. I knew he didn't remember, not since the operation. But he would soon.
Colin: There was something about that walk. Something reminded me of my best friend at school, Richard. We used to make fun of him. I wonder, could this be? Say, uh, Richard.
Ryan:(Turns his head toward Colin, then catches himself) Richard? Who in the hell is Richard?
Colin: My plan didn't work.
Ryan: His plan almost worked

Ryan & Colin: SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!

Colin: Sometimes I wonder why I talk to you.
Ryan: Ha ha... because if you didn't, you wouldn't be talking to anyone.
Colin: That's right, and still get better answers.

Colin: [Songs of Norway] We're screwed.
Drew: How'd you like to be Wayne and Jeff?

Ryan: What do you think of when I say lattes and Microsoft?
Colin: Uncle Phil... *pause* ...his lattes made him micro-soft.

Drew: What holds you to the Earth?
Greg: Why, my love for you, Drew.

Ryan: What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?
Colin: On I guess.. a tern? An Arctic tern?
Ryan: And what kind of sound does an Arctic tern make?
Colin: (in his best bird-like voice) Backstreet boys!

Greg: What's a Dougie?
Colin: A Dougie is a ...Canadian beaver.

Ryan: What's new, pussycat?
Colin: When you wish upon a star
Ryan: Blue Suede Shoes.
Colin: ...Nice pants

Ryan: Who're you?
Colin: Beauty? Beauty Smith?

Ryan: You know Colin, growing up in the 40's as I did, there's one song that's close to my heart to this day. It's a do-wop hit... I don't know if you remember it...
Colin: No, I don't.
Ryan: I don't either. It's a Do-wop hit and its title is...
Colin: Oh, the anticipation is incredible. I bet it's going to be so hilarious!
Ryan: Have I told you how much I love working with you?

Drew: You know, just for old time's sake... (presses play)
Tape recorder: (Wayne's voice) My ass, my ass, my ass, my ass...

Colin: You know what is my favorite style of song? The blues.
Ryan: Get out of here.
Colin: But you know what specifically the blues that I like?
Ryan: No.
Colin: I like those really old blues songs when you can really not understand the words at all, where the singers seem to be so old and grizzled and filled with blues and soul, where it's more emotion than actual words?
Ryan: You mean like Pat Boone?
Colin: No.
Ryan : Then I have no idea you're talking about.
Colin: Well I think you're going to, once you hear the singing blues of ...Wet Biscuit McGlee...
Ryan: One of those rare Scottish blues singers?
Colin: Yeah, but you're gonna love it (laughs)...this is a very rare recording.
Ryan: Wow, I bet! (also laughing)
Colin: And the title of course is, Achkewodiegwhiabhedaah

Ryan: Oh, are you two married?
Colin: It's nothing permenant!

Colin: Oh, I know you can beat him... Tom...
Greg: I told you to call me by my nickname: Rip Nasty.

Ryan: [After hitting his head and breaking the neon Whose Line light] Was that lit?
Colin: Oh yeah it was...
Ryan: Oh ho ho...
Colin: It would have better if your head burst into flames.

Colin: Why, it looks like uh, a thing that measures things when you squirt.
Ryan: A baster? Is that what you're thinking about?
Colin: That's exactly - I didn't want to lose anyone with the technical terms.

Drew: Well here's what you do: take a naked polaroid of yourself, send it to "I Wanna Be On Whose Line," Care of Whose Line.
Wayne: That's how I got on!

Ryan: I was actually saying, 'Get the f*** off, get the f*** off!' ...I dunno if we can air that or not, but that's what I was saying.
Chip: I wasn't sure what he meant by that.