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1/15/2004: It is 12:30 AM, after midnight and I have been working on this site for several hours. I want it to be good and am committed to working on it regularly, adding pictures, letters, prayers and journals. I have asked family members to do the same and everyone seems very optimistic about this. I dreamt of Bethany and Lilly last night but I cannot remember the dream. There were several strange dreams that could be attributed to something I ate. I am glad I can't remember because when they get this wierd they can be disturbing. I am in a lull. After working so hard and battling my emotions for the past few months on meetings and the report, my mind does not know what to think. Thank God I have this site, I feel this will be a good place for me to vent my emotions and thoughts about Bethany and Lilly. As I was washing dishes tonight I was singing along to some song and I remembered how Bethany and Lilly would always sing along and even dance with me whenever we were in the kitchen, cooking, cleaning or doing homework. I remembered how silly we used to get and what good times those were. I miss them terribly, I just hold onto the vision of me on my knees, the girls holding me and my arms wrapped around them in one big hug. I can almost feel it, it is so close to me, this feeling of them inside my arms. I remember how I used to hug you all the time, so much, so much and I am thankful for that because it is so clear in my mind. Sometimes when I can't sleep I hold my bible or the dog or the cat so close and tight and pretend it is Bethany and Lilly. I will prop the blanket behind me and pretend we are a sandwich watching a movie. I miss the physical contact so much, being able to smell, feel, squeeze and kiss my babies. Just holding your hands always made me so happy.
I remember when you were taken from me, I felt like something had been ripped out of my body, I felt physical pain inside me when I lost you, I remember telling daddy about how bad it hurt inside me. This need to hold you is similar, more of an aching or yearning than a pain. It is as if my skin is reaching for you, trying to find you. I guess it is hard to understand for someone who never experienced such deep loss but for me it is the reality of my existence. That is enough for tonight, it has been a rough few days emotionally and I am just trying to work things out and make them right in my head. |
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1/15/2004: 1:10 PM, After lunch and I have been fine tuning the pages already finished on this site, making sure links work and changing text and background colors. I have decided to start searching for and collecting various backgrounds, gif's and images for these pages to give them more of a Bethany and Lilly sense. Bethany's favorite color was pink and Lilly's was purple so I want to use that as a sort of theme for these pages. I wonder how much space I will be allowed on this free geocities site. No nightmares about the girl's last night, thank God for that. I miss them and have been looking at their pictures which is always dangerous. I am about to go call Debbie and find out her impression of our work. It is strange how things can so strongly impact one person and it's effect on another can be so completely unknown. I will not let paranoia or intimidation set in. There have been so many prayers surrounding this project, it is in God's hands. I will not worry. I read something in a Worthy Ministries email last night which cinched my decision to return attacks by my enemies with love. I have decided to do what God asks of me and do the exact opposite of what is expected while under attack, offer forgiveness and love. This has been a work in progress for quite some time however I am committed to truly understanding and exemplifying this precept. Hope is not gone, there is always hope we will all be happy and good to eachother under God. God is bringing Bethany and Lilly home, I must simply focus on loving and forgiving and listening to God. |
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1/25/2004: 1:11 AM, I have been working on the book all day. It started with a dream I had last night which was cause for much introspection into myself and how I have dealt with my own childhood abuse. I have decided not to make the book non-fiction, but rather to expand on the character I created today and the fictional incidences in her life because it seems to be easier for me to deal with the abuse and my own issues and to probe them through the character as opposed to through myself. It was always so suprising to me that the rape and the abuse did not seem to bother me when I talked about it and it was easy to talk about, I felt nothing. However, through writing this book, I am more affected than I ever have been by my childhood and this has given me far greater insight and understanding into the mind of a person who was abused from childhood to adulthood. There is much growth in me, though far more painful than I have ever faced before. I suppose I was just on survival mode when it happened and put it away instead of dealing with it. As I write it comes out and I must force myself to take breaks. It is truly a challenge confronting these painful things that happened to me and why and how it changed and affected me. I find myself in a bad place often after writing and have to stop and pray. I pray for Bethany and Lillian to be spared from such difficulties and I pray over this website, my book, all of our family and everyone helping us to bring Bethany and Lilly home in Jesus' name. Thank you for your prayers and support, you are all so essential to us and we need you in our lives. I continue to experiment with keeping the girl's pictures next to me at my desk and each day becomes easier to look at them. I am now finding them as a source of comfort as opposed to the incredible pain looking at their pictures once caused me. I love you Bethany and Lilly, my precious and special little girls. We are all blessed and better people since you came into our lives. |
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