Note: The following contains nasty langauge and maybe evn some sexual content. If you have never expirenced these things before, odds are you're a weirdo with a sheltered life. Sorry but it's the truth. Thans for listening.

Prolouge:

Nionia, 753 AD.

The air was thick and hot in the dungeon. As the legendary hero lay strapped to the table, about to be smouldered by a burst of magical energy he cried out to the overlord with the final plan in mind. "Evil one, you have me captured! Will you at least tell me your sinister plot?"

The overlord approached slowly and looked the hero in the eye. "No." And then he made a hero-kabob.

Nionia, 759 AD.

The heros were coming, and the overlord was not happy to have the little child screaming in his ear. "They'll come and overtake you! You will suffer!" she yelled.

The overlord looked at the child. "Ya know, you got a point. How'd you like a job?" He grinned sincerely. Two hours later the heros were put to death thanks to the Overlords newest advisor.

Nionia, 782 AD.

"Fiona, help me! I love you!" the hero cried at the overlords daughter, who looked back with longing eyes.

"I love you too! Father, you must let him go!" she yelled at him, pulling a small knife from her pocket, turning to face her father, whom had a large bolt of magic pointed at her.

"Oh come on, like I didn't see this coming." He said with a smile before killing them both. "Oopsie, heheh."

Nionia, 784 AD.

The heros crashed through the gates, expecting skull helmeted black wearing legions of death. The screached to a halt at the image before them, 7000 soldiers dressed in bright yellow, orange and red. "What the hell?" said the leader, stupified. Four seconds later they were dead.

Nionia, 785 AD.

The heros had reached the second part of their plan, the enimies were coming in fast, and only one escape; the air ducts. The first jumped in, immediately getting trapped by the abnormally small duct. They too were killed thanks to the technitian that built the fortresses remark to the overlord, "You know, I could fit in these ducts they're so large."

Nionia, 788 AD.

"Don't you have any mercy?! Do you even know the meaning of the word?!" the hero yelled.

"Oh course I do!" the overlord stated, watching the heroes smile. "I just don't like using any." Then he killed them too.

Nionia, 789 AD.

The heros finally untied themselves from the wall of spikes, but they still had the magical bomb to disarm. They ran to it and the leader smiled, "We have time! 177 seconds left, we can do it!" he started to work, the dial hit '175' and the room exploded. Eight city blocks away the overlord smiled happily.

Nionia, 791 AD.

With the newest set of heros dead, the overlord lounged in his chair happily. "Captin, how many does that make so far?"

"That makes 33 out of 33 legendary heroes that were destined to overthrow you. It looks like its over with the heros." The captin smiled.

"Ahh good, back to pilaging without these twits. Ever notice how stupid they are?" he smiled.

Aestarn, two months later;

The youg boy slowly moved through the forest, slashing his sword back and forth, practicing to one day be a hero. With each slash he felt his powers grow, soon, he would have a place in the world. Not that any of this matered to us, since the main character of our story was asleep in bed. Kelly rolled over mumbling several curses at the person in the woods making all the noise. He had just been woken out of a great dream about the village supermodel and was not very happy about it. "HEY ASSHOLE!! MIND SHUTTING THE FUCK UP?! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!" he screamed at the boy, scaring the hell outta him. "That's better." He sighed and rolled over, trying to get back to his beauty sleep. Sounds of hacking and yelling came from the forest once again. Grumbling to himself, Kelly rose from the bed and walked to the forest buck naked. He slowly walked up behind the oblivious young man, whacked him over the head with a log, and went back to his house. Curling up in his bed, Kelly gazed out the window, "Why do I have the feeling this day is gonna suck?" he sighed and went back to sleep.

A TOTALLY FUCKED-UP FANTASY!

Written by Kelly Clark

Starring a buncha people from VP and ICQ.

The Next Day; Kelly was asleep as his village was raided, the buildings burned to a crisp. The screams of his neighbors only made him roll over and mumble. Two hours later the village wasn't even a spot on the map anymore, and Kelly decided to wake up. He looked to the left of his bed, once a wall, and wondered when he put in a new window. Getting up and stretching, he reached for his pants... which was now just a pie of ash. Slumping his shoulders he left the village, walking nude down the path. "Great, Another Monday." He sighed.

***

The caravan has seen better days. Now limited to three people, the entertainers made no money at all. Limited to a dancer who kept falling off her heels, a bard who'd rather play poker that play the lute, and a tone deaf singer, they were broke, hungry, and bored. As their wagon rolled over the hills, they saw something they were not expecting. A young man, totally nude except for a leaf tied around his waist, hitch-hiking on the back roads. "Hey! Over here!" he yelled at the wagon, waving his arms minimally so not to move the leaf.

The wagon pulled to a stop. The two girls took a look at the guy turned red, the guy snickered something about how'd he would have used a larger leaf. The blonde girl looked at him again, and then out of nowhere said, "Get in."

"Thanks a lot." He said, climbing into the back of the wagon. "The names Kelly, whats yours?" he smiled at the girl.

"Jaime. That's Becky, and that's--" she was cut off by the man.

"Bard. James Bard." He said, looking Kelly over. "And put some pants on."

"Gryph shut up!" Jaime smacked him, "You don't have to put pants on, really!" she grinned. He shruged, not caring, then laid back in the wagon, taking occaisional glances at Jaime when she wasn't looking. He didn't notice she was doing the same. "Where are you headed?"

"Anywhere. Ever been to Aestarn?" he asked.

"Yeah, it was great!" Jaime smiled.

"Especially the women... " Gryph muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Hope you took a few pictures, cause it aint there no more." Kelly grinned, acidently glancing at Jaime's... erm... hehe... He noticed that he liked what he saw, and pretty soon another thought was coming to him... the leaf was getting smaller. "Um.. Gryph, you got some pants I could borrow?"

"No way in hell." Gryph growled. "I don't care if you are naked, I'd rather go without having you hanging around in my shorts!"

Jaime bopped him upside the head, "Stoppit. C'mon, we'll see if theres anything in the costume section our last actor left." She grabbed Kelly by the wrist and pulled him to the back car. Gryph looked around and looked at Becky. He grinned wolflike and winked.

"You wanna?" he grinned.

Back in the last car you could still hear the slap, joined with Becky screaming and swearing at someone. Jaime and Kelly were climbing over various boxes, looking for clothes. "Ooo, cool." Kelly said, grabbing a few choice items. Carefully taking his leaf off, lest get a leafcut on his valuables, he put on the stuff and posed in front of the mirror. "Ohhh yeah." He grinned.

"What did you find?" Jaime looked back at Kelly, dressed in a tunic and pants, with a few odder items added on. "Nice."

"Yeah, and the leopard G-string is a big bonus too." He flexed in front of the mirror, then looked back at Jaime, noticing the look on her face, "What?"

"I think the cup on the outside of the pants is a bit much." She said, raising an eyebrow and looking at the jock strap he was wearing on the outside.

"I gotta protect my valuables, thieves are everywhere ya know."

"And how do you know I'm not a thief?" she grinned evilely at him.

Roughly twenty minutes later, Gryph sat in the front wagon, rubbing his cheek and complaining about the noises in the back cart. As they approached the woodland area, they heard a loud squeeking, and the carts pulled to an abrupt halt.

"Thanks for your cooperation!" said a young man in a rusted suit of armor, "Now if you'll just hand over your valuables, you can be on your way." Three more figures emerged behind him, looking as threatening as possible.

"Yeah right." Gryph rolled his eyes, "Be afraid of you?" he broke out laughing. The knight kicked the cart, throwing Gryph off of it and onto the ground. He slowly rose and brushed himself off, "Okay, now I'll kick your ass." He pulled out a staff and swung at the knight, who barely tried to dodge, most likely cause the rust was getting in the way. The comotion grew louder and louder, really ruining the mood in the back cart. Slowly walking up behind them, a lingerie clad Jaime twacked the knight over the head with a log. "Ooo, nice job." Gryph grinned at the now unconncious knight. Then Jaime hit him with the log too.

Kelly looked out of the back window, "My kinda woman." He grinned. Returning to the back cart, she gave a quick smile, then jumped back onto the cushy pile of clothes with him. About four or five hours later they came out, to see Gryph and the knight sitting around a campfire, with bags of ice on their heads.

"Okay, I guess now its time for the thieves origion part." Kelly said as he sat down. "You go first." He said, pointing at the knight.

"I'm Sean, knight of Hentaishia. I lost my job thanks to the overlord, and then started wokring as a theif with these guys. But it started really when I was just--" the knight started

"Fine. Next!"

"Jay... I fight stuff... I think..."

"I'm Chibi, a thief... I steal stuff. That's basically it."

"I'm Jinx, I do magic... except the scary spells... like pulling a rabbit out of a hat..." she shuddered.

"I be mastah samuri oh the Samuri Suck Slut Clan. Call me Ishmal." Said the last one, getting a look from the others he sighed, "Alright, call me Nick." The night went quietly... kinda. After Jinx made the campfire cappachino everything calmed down a lil and the four new people desided to get a ride on the caravan. The only major things that woke people up were Jaime and Kelly's wagon rocking up and down in the middle of the night, and Nick's new one he had to himself doing the same...

Three days later...

The caravan came to a abrupt halt just outside of the huge trade city. Armed troopers were searching every wagon coming into town for something, and Nick, Jay and Sean were getting nervous. "I think we're gonna get caught..." Jay nudged Nick.

"Most likely... ya think they know?" Sean asked in a whisper.

Nick grined, "Prolly not."

"Now what are you gonna get caught for?" Kelly asked from his possition right behind them.

They all sighed. "It all started about six weeks ago..."

"The SHORT version." Gryph muttered from his spot right next to Kelly.

"We stole a magic thingamabober dohicky from the evil overlord guy and now hes pissed." Nick shrugged. "And basically if we get caught with it, everyone in the caravan is dead."

"Then we don't get caught."Kelly grinned. Everyone looked at him, "I got a plan."

About two minutes later, Kelly Nick, Gryph, Jay and Sean walked outta the costume section dressed as a Blacksmith, an elf with a nice headdress, a constable, a Rider and a merchant. Running from the dogs on their heels they hid in a crowded bar, not knowing they had stepped on stage. The band started playing when they saw the five oddly dressed people. It was then that they noticed it was a gay bar.

"Do it girls!" yelled the bandleader as the music started. The men in disguise began to dance along with the music, the YSKA.

(Sung to YMCA if ya hadn't figered it out)

"Swordsman... Theres no need to get loud, I said; Swordsman! Pick your sword off the ground.

I said; Swordsman. Cause your buds are all dead, doesn't mean you can't get out the lead.

Swordsman... theres a place you can run, I said Swordsman, when you're life's about done

You can fight there, and I'm sure you will find, many ways to prolong your life (Da da da da)

Its fun to stay at the YSKA (Young Swordsman Killers Asciation) Its fun to stay at the Y-S-K-A!"

Meanwhile all five of them are working their asses off trying to look semi professional, and failing miserably. Spelling out the letters gets harder when Gryph starts spelling in french... The crowd booed him offstage and then tried to buy him drinks. Kelly leans over to Nick and whispers quietly, "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Both nod a bit. "It'll be over soon!"

Twelve hours later...

"MACHO MACHO MAN! I WANNA BE A MACHO--" all five run offstage screaming.

Later in the wagons, the number of travelers I'm to lazy to scroll back up and count were sitting around the fire. "So what does this thing do?" Jaime asked, poking at the Dohicky.

"Hell if I know... It scares me... nothing scares me but that thing... and Ted Copel's hair." Everyone shudders at the thought.

"Why don't we just give the thing to the King? He should help." Becky muttered.

"No good, he's a fat sex craving slob with more scandals than hairs..." Sean said.

"That Damn Clintan!" Kelly yelled.

"Why not just sneak the fucking thing back in?" Gryph said sarcastically from the background. Everyone looked back.

"That's not a bad idea." Jay grinned, everyone else nodded. He pulled out a scroll with the heading 'How to break into an overlord's lair.' He smiled and showed it to everyone. "But first we'll need the 3 keys of ENTERANCIE to get in... they're located East, West and Middlish."

"Um... bro, that says the keys of 'Entrance' as in, the door keys." Sean pointed out.

"Oh... Well its dark in here." Jay muttered. No one decided to point out there was a roaring fire 3 feet in front of him.

"Then it's off to find the keys!" Kelly stood and yelled.

And so the true adventure begins, as the team splits into 2 teams, Jinx, Chibi, Becky, and Trist on one, Kelly, Gryph, Sean, Jay, Jaime, and Nick on the other. Since team 2 is larger and much more comedic, we'll stick with them most of the time, with occaisional updates on team one.

Two days later outside the eastern part of the world, near the city-state of Delicat (not the pet food!) Six darkly dressed swordsmen rode fiercly towards the east, a strong agenda with them. Down in the ditch beside the road, the six members of Team 1 hiked along side the trail, coughing at the upturned dust and swearing at the showoffs. But high on the cliff, seven riders looked down on our team, noding silently to each other as the magic thing was detected.

"We attack. Leave none alive." The leader whispered to the other. Then they charged at full gallop at the team. (note from writter (aka; me!): For added effect, ya might wanna put in some hard rock or techno music, or whatever to up the excitement, which will definetly need help in being exciting.thanks.)

"Why didn't we take the wagons?!" Gryph yelled at anyone who wanted to hear complaints. He looked back at the trail, and seven swordsmen riding at full speed towards them, blades drawn. "Oh Fuck... Um Kelly..." No response, "KELLY!" Kelly raised his head. "We're being attacked." He muttered as an arrow wizzed by his head. The party drew what weapons they had, Sean with an extremely rusted sword, Gryph whipped out his lute, Jay with his foam rubber coated metal pole, and Kelly grabbed a heavywieght bedsheet. The riders dismounted, took one look at the weapons and people and burst out laughing.

TO BE CONTINUED