stagethree

If you have read MY STORY, then you know that it was a chapel service that God used to melt my heart and bring me to the point of surrender. Interestingly, I wrote a poem two days before that, which reveals the coldness of my heart. A day after I willingly gave my struggles of anorexia to God, I wrote the second poem. They mirror each other and reveal the transformation that only God could have brought about in my life.

Pre - Surrender 2/13/00

Seems like I have been here before,
I see the destruction, feel the pain,
Too stubborn to let go.
So deep in my sin, yet so comfortable to remain.

Waves of shame, tides of guilt,
Running in the wrong race.
Ever searching, endlessly striving.
Tears of confusion running down my face.

Each bite terrifies my heart.
Each day seems so long.
Ifeel the guilt building up.
Where's my joy? Where's my song?

How did I get here again?
I feel so alone.
No one understands.
My heart's as cold as stone.

But oddly enough, looks like I am staying.
Too afraid to trust.
I need to have control.
Someday I'll change... I must.

Post - Surrender 2/16/00

The tides have changed.
The storm has ceased.
My heart has melted.
God's given me peace.

Willing to let go;
what a relief.
Joy abounds.
Anorexia - no longer a theif.

I am so thankful,
God's given a desire
through a bag of M&M's
not burned in the fire.

He's shown me His hand
orchestrates all things.
Through the good and the bad
let my praises ring.

I am a bit scared
of the journey to come.
Afraid of the trials
that might make me numb.

But as for now,
I am willing to stay
in the arms of my Abba
forever, I pray.