| Stage One - Denial/Honesty with myself |
| March 30, 1996... Four months into anorexia What am I hiding from you? You think that I honest, but you've heard nothing but the truth. Let me expose just a glimpse of the real me: I have a side you never see. My thoughts revolve around one thought - unworthy. I have a heart you've never seen... so dirty, filthy, and unclean. I try to escapge from my feelings of jealousy, unacceptability, and insecurity. I have a conscience you don't see... so guilty, full of lies, and dishonesty. You say it's so plain to see: God loves you. You're his. You're holy. God made you in his image, perfectly. I can't deal with that statement because of its simplicity. Secretly, unexpectedly, mysteriously, silently, the drive for thinness overcomes me. I starve myself trying so hard to become skinny. I don't see the harm, what's wrong with me? I'll search, seek, and unconsciously fall. I'm chasing the wind. I'll never catch it, but I must persist. It's not a matter of what YOU see. It's a matter of what I need - perfectionism. What I think I see. My mind, my thoughts, and eyes deceive me. I get so confused that I don't know what to believe. They tell me that I'm not pretty, not good enough. I get so distressed I don't know who to trust. Once again, I put my mask on, so secretly, mysteriously. Trying to overcome the problem. My mask hides, covers, never reveals. It does its job well. I know, I feel, I come face to face with the sin, the problem, but I continue to ignore it. It has no severity. Once again, my actions I justify. I'm not doing anything wrong, just trying to lose weight, not destructively. It's not a fantasy. This is reality. This is me. |