| The color pink, imaginary friends, and Saturday morning cartoons all describe my childhood. I was a typical child growing up in a middle class home. Both of my parents were Christians, and we went to church every time the doors were open. At the age of nine, I asked Jesus into my heart at South Mountain Baptist Camp. It wasn�t until the fifth grade that my relationship with food began to become a stronghold in my life. Up until this time, I was a normal-sized girl. In the fifth grade, I began to eat more than my share, and the weight started coming on. By middle school, not only was I aware of the fact that I weighed more than most of the other girls in my classes, but also I was aware that I was not as athletic as them. My middle school years were characterized by feelings of inferiority and loneliness. As I entered ninth grade, all of these feelings began to explode. I remember sitting in my English class and comparing myself to all the popular, pretty girls. They were all much thinner than Iwas. Before long, I was buying into the lie that if I could just lose some weight then I too would be popular and pretty. By the end of November, I was experimenting with dieting. I knew before my destructive eating patterns began to get out of hand, that God would not approve of what I was doing. Somehow that wasn�t enough. On New Year�s eve of my freshman year in high school, I made the resolution that I was determined to lose weight. I set a goal and told God that as I soon as I reached this weight that I would stop. Before long, I was trapped. Keeping a food journal, weighing myself constantly, looking at myself in the mirror, counting calories, and exercising daily all became chains that I allowed to hold me captive. All the time, I had people fooled that I was becoming �healthy.� I hated myself and the body that God had created. Anorexia soon became my destructive best friend. Not only did I want the perfect body but also, a perfect life. I wanted to be the perfect Christian, perfect friend, perfect daughter, and perfect student. I bought into the lie that anorexia gave me a sense of control and that through it, I could achieve this level of perfection. I hid behind its disguise and locked all of my feelings inside. I finally reached the goal that I had set, but I casually told God that I would stop when I reached my new goal. I never realized that I had allowed anorexia to take me as a prisoner and that I was not in control, but that anorexia was. By the Spring of that year, I constantly found myself feeling alone and empty- two emotions with which I was extremely familiar. No one knew about my eating disorder, and whenever anyone asked me any questions or confronted me, I lied. One night, which I remember clearly, I found myself face down on the orange carpet in my room. Tears were streaming down my face. I was so empty. I felt ugly and wretched. I cried out to God. Somehow in my head I had justified that what I was doing was not wrong. That night I prayed if God wanted me to stop what I was doing to send me a sign the next day. As a stubborn and selfish person, I thought that I had just given myself the freedom to continue in my love affair with anorexia. I thought to myself, �God won�t send me a sign by tomorrow.� I was wrong. The next day I received the Christian magazine that I subscribed to in the mail. I usually didn�t get the magazine until the end of the month, but this time it came at the beginning of the month. The cover story was on eating disorders and how to stop. I finally came to terms with the fact that I was anorexic. Because God had clearly answered my prayer, I knew that it was time to stop. At this same time, my Mom and a woman who worked with the youth at our church started Gwen Shamblin�s Weigh Down Workshop. I was able to pick up her principles just by following their examples. This really helped me out a lot, especially since no one knew about my eating disorder. The woman who worked with the youth at our church began to reach out to me, and before long, she became a �big sister� to me. That summer, I told her about my struggles with anorexia. The next three years of high school were full of struggles. My relationship with anorexia was still not over. My problems with anorexia were like a roller coaster- up and down- and, I still strived for perfection in all areas of my life, especially with my grades. I thought that I had given God control of this area, but my hands were still clinging tightly to anorexia. I couldn�t let go. The summer before college, I started slipping more than I ever had. I remember the week before I came to college, my �big sister� looked at me with tears in her eyes because of the condition I was in as far as my weight. My heart ached because I realized that I was hurting others as well as myself. My first few weeks of college were difficult because I was all alone, but with time I made friends. Everything revolved around food though. Before long, I was eating all the time. My weight was starting to go back up, and I was starting to panic. One night toward the end of October, I called my �big sister� in tears and she suggested something that I had never considered- a counselor. Because my parents didn�t know about my eating disorder, professional treatment had never been an option unless I wanted to tell them my secret, but at college they offered a counselor for free. I promised my �big sister� that I would make an appointment and give it a try. Once a week, I went to counseling. By Christmas, I was flirting on and off with anorexia again. As soon as I got back to school, I embarked on a downward spiral. I began to isolate myself from my friends, and once again, anorexia reared its ugly head. My heart was cold as ice, and I did not want to have anything to do with God. I did not want to listen to anything or read anything about God because I did not want to change or give up control. I found myself at the same place I was in ninth grade. I realized the condition of my heart, but I did not care. Once again, I was empty and lonely. I was scared at what it was going to take to melt my heart, but I was too stubborn to change. On February 6, a Sunday night, smoke and flames surrounded the main building on campus as my parents and I drove up. Several weeks after the fire, a speaker spoke during our chapel about this fire. He told us of several examples of how God�s hand was in the fire. Little did I know that God would use a bag of M&M�s to change my life. The whole third floor of the building was a loss, but in one of the offices a pound bag of M&M�s survived untouched. The M&M�s still maintained their form, and the bag was still its original color. As the speaker continued, I realized that God preserved that bag of chocolate from melting and burning in the fire. Finally, I realized that the same God could take care of my body. At that moment, my heart melted. For the first time in five years I was willing to give up and trust God. I realized that there is more to life than wearing a certain size or weighing a certain number. Anorexia had become my god, and I was locked up in its prison by my own choice. I begged for God to free me from my chains and release me from this prison. Finally, in my despair, I went to the throne of God and realized that I had never truly surrendered my struggles with anorexia to God. I have come to realize that this surrender must be constant because often I take it back into my own hands. With God�s help, I have learned to enjoy the food that God has created by eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full. I have learned to trust that God will take care of my body. For the first time in my life, I can look at myself in the mirror and be pleased with what God has created. I admit, I do still struggle from time to time, BUT.... my good days far outnumber my bad days. God is the only One who brings peace to my soul and gives me freedom. I find comfort in the fact that He doesn�t love me for my outward appearance or what size I wear; it�s the heart of the matter that counts. |