Fears

We all have them: crowds, heights, spiders, being alone, death of loved ones, making bad grades, and the list could go on and on. As much as I wish I did not have fears of my own, I do. At one point ranked at the top beside the fear of losing my parents to death was the fear of gaining weight. I cannot honestly say that this fear is totally gone, but it no longer dominates me. To the normal person, the fear of gaining weight would not seem even worth mentioning compared to losing a parent, but unfortunately, individuals who have struggled with eating disorders tend to have this fear which often captivates their thoughts and actions.

For so long, I held onto my fears and used them as an excuse for not trusting God. �What if�s� where constantly in my thoughts. What if I gain weight, and I can�t fit into my clothes? What if everyone notices that I have gained weight? What if they quit talking to me because of my gaining weight? What if I become many of the many Americans who are obese and overweight? What if I can no longer fit into a size __? These questions could go on. My fears kept me from surrendering my eating disorder to God. I was too afraid that if I trusted God, I would gain weight and be fat. I thought that if I completely trusted God, then certainly the consequence would be that I would jump sizes and gain more weight than I was willing to gain.

My fears all boiled down to the lack of one thing-- faith. The presence of fear indicates the lack of faith. In my mind, I had made God out to be this mean ogre who was going to zap and punish me as soon as I trusted Him. Thank goodness I was wrong. The more I read Scripture, the more I become aware of the fact that God desires the best for His children. For many years, I thought that I had to earn the love and approval of God. I clung to my fears as I stubbornly resisted God. Slowly, God began to peel my fingers away from anorexia and my fears.

At the time the counselor I was seeing recommended that I read Hinds Feet in High Places. I was able to relate so well to the main character Much-Afraid. Through the story I was able to realize that once Much-Afraid surrendered herself and her fears to the Shepherd, God transformed her life and blessed her richly. I finally realized that the God is full of grace, lovingkindness, and compassion. Even when I was clinging to my fears and stubbornness, God patiently waited beside me until I was ready to release my fears in exchange for peace.

My friend, I know your fears are so great and overwhelming. The thought of trusting God with your body and weight scares you so much that you would rather keep running and failing than give them up to God. I know how you cringe at the idea of surrendering this area to God. You may be like me and have a distorted image of God. Ask yourself for a moment this question: If you were a parent of a child and he fell down when he was learning to walk, would you laugh at him and just let him struggle to get up? If he hurt himself, would you just stand with your arms crossed and look at him? If he were hungry, would you let him go without eating? If I were a parent, I could never just stand back and watch my child hurt. How much more then, will God care for you, His beloved daughter?

Matthew 7:9-11 says, �Or what man is there among you, when his son shall ask him for a loaf and give him a stone? Or if he shall ask for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!�

I know that everything inside of you screams no at the thought of trusting God with your fears, your body, etc., but the perfect peace of God can replace all of those fears that torment you night and day. So often, we cling to the dime store possessions when God has treasures upon treasures to offer. We cling to our dime store fears of acceptance by others, control, being thin and not overweight, and so on, when God has the treasures of freedom, love, peace, joy, and life in His hands. He is waiting to exchange these cheap substitutions for the real thing.

Confronting the fears within our hearts is also part of the process of surrendering. It took me forever to realize that my friends did not base their love and acceptance on my weight and appearance. One of my strongest fears was that my friends would ditch me if I gained weight, but when I finally realized that my love for my friends does not change whether they gain 10 pounds or lose weight. Now that I look back at that fear, I cannot believe that I actually believed that. It seems so silly to me now. The Enemy was crippling me by all the fears that I so firmly held in my heart. Confronting your fears is not easy. It is not pleasant. It is not exactly the greatest way to spend your free time, but it is part of the process. If you never confront those fears within your heart, the chains of fear will always disable you. Read the Bible, and find Scripture to help your perspective on those fears of yours. Although your heart may not at first believe what you discover in the Word, keep reminding yourself of the truth and ask God to make it a reality in your life. Remember, �the Truth shall set you free.�

I can hear you now. So what happens when I step on the scales and the numbers increase? What happens when my favorite skirt does not fit? What happens when three of my seven pairs of jeans do not fit? What happens when I am within one pound of weighing more than I have ever weighed since I lost weight? What happens when my fears return? All of these �what if�s� I have experienced in the past month. Yes, I have been discouraged, but God has wrapped His arms around me and calmed my fears. In my moments of despair and heartache, God has sent little treasures to remind me that His love and compassion are constant. He has whispered sweet words in my ear. He has reminded me that He is a �shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts me head� (Psalm 3:3). Psalm 27:1 rings in my soul: �The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?�

As I jogged around a local park, the wild flowers reminded me that God clothes them in beauty and that those flowers do nothing on their own to be beautiful. My heart can rest in the fact that the same God that feeds the birds of the air, keeps the flowers alive and beautiful, sustains the amount of oxygen in the air to keep all things living, and maintains the Earth�s spinning on its axis, holds me in His arms and delights in me. Harm is far from the shelter in His wings. His compassionate heart contains no evil. His perfect peace can replace those paralyzing fears.

My heart longs for you to understand and trust God with those fears to which you are clinging. Run to your Daddy! His arms are outstretched. His heart hurts because He has so much more to give you. Those dime store fears are not even a fraction of the magnificent treasures that He has for you. He longs to wipe those tears from your eyes. He desires to mend your broken heart. He longs to bring you to His banqueting table, hang His banner of love over you, and place a crown of joy on your head. I cannot express just how much I desire for you to be able to say as David did when he wrote in Psalm 34:4, �I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all of my fears.�