| To Whom It May Concern... If you've somehow come across this site (and perhaps it's worth asking what you, or whomever directed you here, were doing perusing sites of "this" nature) and have put two and two together and figured out who Kellie is, what are your thoughts right now; surprise? anger? disbelief? embarrassment? Are you disappointed in me, that I'm not the person you thought you knew, or believe that I've been "pulling something over" on you, for years? Do you believe that the person you thought you knew was all an elaborate ruse or lie? If you're angry at, or feel somehow betrayed by, this discovery, I apologize- that was never my intent. I would hope that, if you spent enough time here, checking out various pages (besides my pics :) you'd see that most of my attitudes, thoughts, and interests are pretty much the same as those of the person you've known for however many years, even if "this" is probably the last thing you would have expected of me. The person you know, or knew, wasn't- and isn't- a lie, but rather a part of the totality of who I am. Where did this come from? Good question. I don't know; it wasn't any "failing" or the result of any abuse suffered as a child, or any similarly lurid tale; I'd been doing this and having these feelings, desires, etc...ever since I was a small kid, sometimes to a greater, sometimes to a lesser, extent. There are numerous theories and such as to what causes some folks to have these feelings. All I know (and this seems to be relatively common) is that, over time, as I've gotten older, this, these feelings and desires, has only grown stronger and stronger, more and more an important part of me, ever more difficult to dismiss. There was a considerable stretch of years where I truly had little or no desire for this; further, especially for those who have known me for a long time, there were many things I did, perhaps not consciously, but nevertheless did that made doing this, or at least presenting a somewhat realistic appearance of this, a non-issue. But over the last several years these feelings have become stronger and stronger. Had I made more of an effort to lead a more "normal" life over the last several years, would that have kept me suitably busy or occupied enough so that this wouldn't have had as much opportunity to take root as it has? Perhaps, but perhaps not. Again, for many, this seems to be something that they can "put aside" for quite awhile, but that ultimately rears up again, stronger, often in one's late 20's to mid 30's, as has been the case with me for quite some time now. For those who haven't known me quite as long, who know me only as Kellie, and perhaps get frustrated over my seemingly sparse free time to meet and so forth, again, my apologies. It has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with me not wanting to hang out /spend time with you. I do have commitments to keep, and, yes, I do keep busy; probably busier than I should. And when I do have free time, I try to use it in a way that shows loyalty to those I've known longest; meaning, first I try to spend time with family, then long-time friends (and currently, these mean spending that time in my "male" persona) then with whatever time I have left, as- and with people who know me as- Kellie. And on some level, I suppose the tension between wanting, needing, to go further, to live more this way vs. trying to retain some semblance of my "other" self often keeps me in a holding pattern, a pattern that perhaps serves to keep me from more fully facing up to this, from going further and living a more full life this way than I presently do, "running from my devils" as it were, while sadly perhaps "losing all I loved along the way." If I've inconvenienced or hurt anyone as a result of this, I'm sorry as well. I hope you can forgive me a little bit, perhaps somehow understand, or at least be patient with me. Where am/will I ultimately be going with this? Another good question. There are so many times when this seems so all-consuming, that to deny it is to deny myself, and deny any chance of life fulfillment. And yet, whether it's simply years of conditioning, or an unwillingness to disappoint those I've known the longest, or whatever, there is still that "other" side of me that has yet to be banished, aspects of which, I admit, I enjoy as well. Perfect world- I'd probably already have transitioned. Realistically, tho' it is something I often believe I really need to do to feel more fulfilled, more comfortable, more happy, I don't know if I could subject those around me, my family and long-time friends (yes, that means any of you who may be reading this!) to such a change. This is the kind of thing that, once you tell folks, you can't "untell" them. (*Addendum- my sister now knows of "this," due to unfortunate and irresponsible behavior on my part, and to date has been more understanding, accepting, even helpful, than I could have imagined or expected- thanks! *) I have been seriously considering taking this the next step, if I find I can swing it/maintain it financially, beginning perhaps at some later point this year. We'll see. If I do that, many of the issues that to date I've largely kept to myself will eventually have to be addressed to some degree. (*Addendum 2- as of spring '09 this has resumed.*) I hope this didn't come off as TOO ponderous or self-absorbed; thanks for reading! :) |