Whoa. </keanu>
February 14, 2005
Today is St. Valentine’s Day. Acknowledge it, move on. Nothing to see here, these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
Someone once said:
The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and miseries which result gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of Public Liberty.
Who do you think said it? Write to me via the link on the right of the page with your answer. No cheating via Google, now. I’m not after the “right answer,” I want to know what you think.
Fun with Maps
November 23, 2004
So, for the first time, I’m going to post a picture.
That’s an example of me trying to draw a map of Europe based on my memory of its shape and the countries that are there. I think I screwed up in the area around Hungary and the Balkans.
Mood: accomplished
Music: Christmas MIDI files
Self-Help versus Self-Flagellation
October 16, 2004
I have a LiveJournal now; that‘s one of the reasons this page has gone without updating. Another reason is that I purchased a new car, so I don‘t have sad stories about my old Honda to tell anymore. It‘s a 2004 Dodge Neon, but not purchased new; it had 6000 miles on it when I bought it. Even though my Honda was largely a piece of junk, they gave me $1000 trade-in credit. I was also able to work them down to a payment range I could handle. Plus, if I can get them any new customers, who actually buy a car from them, they‘ll cut me a check for the amount of a monthly car payment.
But the subject of this entry is not about my car or my LJ. No, it‘s somewhat related to my last entry. I have been thinking a bit about the reasons why that confidence is missing from my life.
It‘s about attitude.
I sometimes manage to not feel quite so self-critical, a little bit more accepting of myself. When I can manage this feat (it seems to happen on its own, rather randomly), it not only affects the way I feel about myself, it affects the way others react and respond to me. I have seen it in action, the difference between a day when I am feeling self-conscious but trying to hide it and a day when I simply forget about my own self and just live in the moment. People are friendlier to me, and everything just seems to work out well.
This is not a secret; the same sort of things have been said by self-help authors for the last half-century. But what I am trying to work on is why it is so difficult to incorporate these lessons into everyday life. For me, I think it is because I am too isolated. When I‘m out wiht people, I don‘t have time to dwell on my faults, and eventually I stop thinking about them. But when I am alone in my house, I have too much time to be critical of my body, face, clothes, and even personality, and it carries over when I go out, until I have been out long enough to “loosen up.”
I‘d probably have an easier time of it if I were willing to consume alcohol. But that‘s a road I‘m just not willing to go down. I know too many people who have had too many problems with substance abuse, enough of them related to me to make me think that addiction may run in my family.
I am going to have to take a significant interest in finding inexpensive ways to get out of the house and be among people more often.
Mood: contemplative
Music: the Jeopardy! "think music"
Confidence and Self-Esteem: 404 Not Found
July 15, 2004
I am a rather shy person, but when I start to get comfortable, I can manage to be very outgoing. Or at least talkative. I also seem to be pretty good at getting others to talk about themselves. So, while I’m slow to warm up, I’m not a complete social misfit. And yet, I sympathize with those who are. For those first few minutes or hours until I feel comfortable, I’m a real wallflower. And there are still some things I just don’t do. I almost never dance in public, for example, though I enjoy moving to music.
But the real reason why I sympathize is because in one very specific way, I am still very shy. I am almost completely incapable of showing romantic interest in someone. I can fake it online, and be very flirtatious and have even gotten somewhat involved with people I’ve met over the net, even to the point, on two occasions, of actually ‘hooking up’ with two. One of those two is still very important to me, though we don’t get much chance to talk anymore these days.
Plop me down in the real world, though, and I don’t ask anybody out, I don’t flirt, I don’t even make significant eye contact with people I find attractive. I have been told that my eyes are some of my best features, and that when I make the right sort of eye contact, I can be quite attractive.
But I have issues. I always feel, when I’m thinking about making some sort of move, that I’m somehow imposing on the person’s life. I also become incredibly self-conscious about my appearance and aware of every little fault, and whatever I was thinking of saying or doing dies on the vine.
Some of my faults are surmountable: Things like occasionally needing to spend extra time in the shower instead of just hitting the basics, or being overweight. And some of them are not: Things like having a very strong brow ridge and large forehead, or my current anatomical status. (Yes, I know that last is surmountable, but it requires resources I don’t have.)
And even the ones that can’t currently/ever be overcome are a matter of attitude. I know that if I believe the faults in my appearance are insignificant, that the confidence that comes from that knowledge will actually make me more attractive.
Knowing these things and putting them into practice, though, are two entirely different matters.
And then there’s my tastes. I have always identified with people younger than myself. When I was in late middle school, I hung out with kids in late elementary school. When I was in my early 20s, I enjoyed the company of the high school students I worked with at the supermarket. Now that I’m in my 30s, I find my tastes have even widened a bit; I like the company of pretty much anybody old enough to vote, up to my own age — but not much above that. So, I feel that my tendency toward people younger than myself puts me at a disadvantage of seeming like some old biddy trying to recapture her youth.
Add all these factors together, and you’ll see why in most public situations, I’m almost completely asexual and non-romantic. And it shows; people in my real life don’t usually seem to even really think of me as having sexuality.
So, yeah, I can sympathize with those who are terminally shy, because in this one way, I am too.
Mood: reticent
Music: Blue Man Group (featuring Venus Hum) - I Feel Love (Human Mix)
It’s All About the Shoes
July 6, 2004
Argh.
Too much going on.
Let’s start with the simple stuff. My car and I have finally reached a relatively comfortable stalemate. I disconnect the battery whenever I’m going to be away from the car for more than a few hours, or whenever it gets hot outside. This seems to alleviate the problem of the relay sticking and the other problem with the short circuit that drains the battery. I still need to get it fixed. I still need money to get it fixed.
Mom does / does not / does / does not / does / does not have Alzheimer’s. The neurologist was asked about it, because of her earlier equivocation on the subject. She said Mom does indeed have the condition. She said that she didn’t want to say to Mom’s face that she had it because Mom was being so hostile anyway. Mom has since invoked patient privacy laws, and now we can’t get any more information nor any written documentation of her condition. And when Mom went back for her follow-up visit, she insisted that she be allowed to go alone. She reported back that the doctor said there was nothing wrong with her at all: no Alzheimer’s, no other form of dementia, no depression.
We’re sure Mom is lying. Well, I’m pretty sure. Here’s my problem: I have not heard anything directly from anyone in a position to make a diagnosis. All I have heard has been through my sister or my aunt. I have no reason to believe either of them are lying. They don’t stand to gain anything. Mom, on the other hand, stands to retain control of her affairs, and even regain them in some respects.
Regain, because she has already lost control regarding the divorce. Due to her inability and/or unwillingness to respond to motions and requests for discovery in a timely and appropriate manner, and the earlier trickle of information regarding her condition, her attorney was able to get a guardian ad litem appointed to handle Mom’s divorce case. He’s off the job now, unless Mom can demonstrate that she is of sound mind. The case has been handed over to another attorney, who will represent Mom’s interests and will be empowered to act on Mom’s behalf and respond to motions and requests without requiring Mom’s direct input.
Mom is not going to like that. She’s going to like it even less that my aunt and I were actually there in court that day when the appointment was made, and if she talks to her old attorney, he is bound to tell her. She’s supposed to be going to an appointment with him today. The defecation is about to impact the ventilation device.
My sister is out of town. She went to Florida for a summer vacation with her two younger kids, and they’ll be gone for a week. When she comes back, she wants to delegate the problem of making sure Mom takes her medicine correctly to me. Problem is, Mom’s probably not going to want to have anything to do with me either.
Well, this will all sort itself out in time. There’s nothing I can do about her reactions, so I have to choose not to worry about it. Heh. Yeah, right. Not worry about your mother being angry with you. Sure, I can do that easy no problem.
Anyway, on to the next topic. My love life, or lack of same. Yeah, I usually cry and moan about it. This time I have some rhetorical questions. Recently (like a month ago), I had a discussion on an online forum about my lack of companionship, and the person I was discussing it with said that I needed to know not just what I wanted in a mate, but what I wanted out of a mate and out of a relationship. The idea being that I can’t find love until I know what I mean when I say “love.” Makes sense, right? You have to know what you’re looking for or else you’ll miss it even when you see it.
I was also told that it wouldn’t appear in my life until I needed it enough. And that made sense in a kind of Celestine Prophecy sort of way, but after thinking about it, now I’m confused. Popular wisdom says that desperation drives people away, and that you only find love when you’re not looking for it. How do you avoid looking for something, when you need it? How do you avoid being desperate, when you have to need it badly enough before it’ll appear?
Looks like this is something I’ll have to choose not to worry about too.
Last, but not least, the tie-in to the title. On IRC, I occasionally run into a woman who likes wearing high-heeled shoes. She has lately been trying to convince me to buy a pair of spike heels. The only pairs of high-heeled shoes I have are stacked heels. I barely have one decent pair of running shoes, my wardrobe is almost exclusively blue-collar casual, and yet I’m to buy a pair of heels. I have no idea how to let her down easy that dress shoes are low on my list of priorities.
Mood: overloaded
Music: Carbon Based Lifeforms - Rise to Tomorrow
Everybody Wants Prosthetic Foreheads on Their Real Heads
June 16, 2004
The following is shamelessly stolen from a mailing list that I subscribe to:
I should explain my Political Party. This is not the Democrats, not the Republicans, it’s the Responsibles. A thing, at least sometimes, that neither big party seems to condone.
We (and I use that term loosely, since right now, the only registered members are me and my cat) believe, foremost, in personal responsibility. This means many things. For one, it means we’re RESPONSIBLE for our actions. If you fall (financially), the government should help you up, sure. But then you are going to have to walk, on your own.
Corporations, and those running them, are also RESPONSIBLE. If a corporation pollutes a lake, they are RESPONSIBLE for cleaning it up, once they’re caught. 100% so. If necessary, they will be sold to pay up. The people in charge will also be held personally RESPONSIBLE for their actions in such matters. If government officials do a similar screwing-of-the-pooch with Your Tax Dollars, they will be held RESPONSIBLE, which means fines and jail time, for abusing the taxpayers’ trust.
If you make huge sums of money, a larger chunk of that is going to the government. You won’t starve. The government, in turn, has to be RESPONSIBLE for spending it wisely, as mentioned. If the army doesn’t want a particular weapon, that weapon is not made. Corporate welfare is a capital offense — corporations are RESPONSIBLE for their own welfare, they do not get hand-outs from the government.
If you do a crime, and are not criminally insane or some-such, you are RESPONSIBLE for that crime. Not your lot in life, your lousy upbringing, etc. If you’re a bad guy, doing a crime, you’ll get your due process and go to jail. You do not get to sue for the fact that you slipped and broke your butt running from the crime scene. And if you try, you get both the public ridicule thing for a week, and a 6’8", 350lbs. cellmate known only as “The Maneater”.
If you got to jail, you don’t get a free ride, you work. Not death-camp work, but regular, ordinary everyday manual labor. You don’t cost the government. You do learn a skill of your choice. You are RESPONSIBLE for doing this work properly. If you’re too much trouble, you get transferred to the Hard Case Prison in Northern Alaska, where you’re RESPONSIBLE, or you wind up on an ice floe (well, at least while Alaska still has them).
We also don’t take crap. Especially from California. If you spill a cup of hot coffee on your genitals, too bad — next time, be more careful. If you decide to sue the drive-through fast food place for making your coffee unsafe for application to your genitals, you not only get your case thrown out, you pay all costs, INCLUDING the cost of putting you on display, for public ridicule, for no less than one week. You are not legally required to not behave like a moron, but you will be held RESPONSIBLE for any actions of your that attempt to impose this lifestyle, or the outcome of such, on the public at large.
If you make a baby, you take care of that baby; you are RESPONSIBLE for a kid that can’t yet take care of his/herself. If you try to duck that responsibilty, you will be tried in-absentia for child abuse, and sentenced. Once you’re caught, your prison-work salary will then be sent to the guardian of your child. All of it. If you don’t want a child, don’t have one. Condoms are available, free, at dispensers on every street corner. They come with directions and a map.
Then there’s the land. It’s not yours to f— up, not remotely. You aren’t here very long, in geological terms. You are RESPONSIBLE, individually and as a corporation, for leaving things as you found them, as any hiker understands. If you mess something up, you WILL pay to fix it, and you’ll pay the full cost. The government isn’t bailing you out. If your shareholders don’t like that, they can sue you. They’ll win, and you’ll have to pay them, too.
We’re RESPONSIBLE for our own international security. Undue dependence on any foreign government is illegal. Oil, technology, manufacturing, doesn’t matter. International cooperation is fine, dependence is not.
Anyway, that’s my party. But hey, at least I don’t have to consult Republican HQ before I know how to think. I’m RESPONSIBLE for that, too. So’s the cat…
A smart man, the guy who wrote this…
Mood: political
Music: Robin Hackett - Come On Love
And I Think to Myself…
May 27, 2004
Well, the previous entries have been archived again. I went over 64K again, so for people still on dialup (like myself), in the interest of keeping the page load time down, my previous entries are now on a separate page. See the bottom of the entries section for the link to previous entries.
In other news…
Mom was provisionally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, but that’s at the word of a general practicioner and a radiology technician. When we went to the neurologist, she said that Mom had what’s called white-matter disease, where cholesterol and high blood pressure and heart disease can have an impact on brain tissue. But this was not usually a cause of confusion or disorientation or memory loss. Also, there were some atrophied places that showed up, but that may not be Alzheimer’s, simply age-related atrophy.
So, we’re basically back to where we were in that Mom’s recent difficulties have been pegged to her emotional state. Depression and stress are major factors. I’ve also been looking up the effects of long-term high-dose tranquilizer use. Mom has been taking oxazepam for 30 years, and I think she’s gotten a little dependent on them.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The biggest thing was that Mom was not cooperative with the doctor at all, and her hostility was so evident that between that and what the rest of the family said, the neurologist recommended that Mom see a psychiatrist.
Back to what I was saying before: Long-term use of oxazepam can also apparently lead to confusion and disorientation. What’s more, when Mom’s disoriented, she tends to take her medicine incorrectly. My sister and I were present for a day when Mom tried to light her cigarette with another cigarette (not one that was lit but just another one out of the pack), tried to claim that her oxazepam was her blood pressure medicine, and was going to take ibuprofen over and over again because she had a headache and didn’t remember that she’d already taken a dose. Fortunately we were there to intervene.
I don’t know what she does when she’s alone in the house, but it seems pretty easy to me to assume that she occasionally gets disoriented enough that she takes too much of the very medicine that causes her to be disoriented in the first place. I think we may have to wean her off of the tranqs altogether. In fact, at the time that she did see a psychiatrist, a few weeks before the neurologist, he mentioned that oxazepam could be a contributing factor.
She goes running for the shelter of her “mother’s little helper...”
At least now she seems a little bit more willing to go forward with the divorce proceedings. That wasn’t an easy one to get through to her.
And now, for something completely different.
Yep, big entry today. I’m having another one of those ends of the month where I’m cutting it close to the bone. But this time, I saw it coming. I bought some actual meat and vegetables to eat. Enough to last me through this. Chicken and canned tomatoes, yum.
But that, combined with not wanting to leave Mom alone, means I’m not going to be able to leave town to go see Quinn. Quinn and I don’t talk much anymore, but she’s got a lot going on right now. Well, so do I. And I think we kind of stay away from each other so as not to burden each other with our problems. Life goes where it goes, but I do hope I can manage to stay in touch with her.
I still make the occasional comment on Faraway Girl’s journal; it’s fun to read her work. She writes stuff that I’d have to call “ironically ostentatious;” she’s not all that well-to-do, but she has expensive tastes and a bizarre social life. Perhaps a sideways version of that British show Keeping Up Appearances. I don’t know if the irony is intentional or not, and if it isn’t, and she reads this, she’s probably going to be very mad at me.
I got re-elected to the board of directors, or should I say, elected, since last time I was pretty much appointed to the job by the previous board. This board seems to be settling into the groove now. I’m the only one who is holding the same position, so I’m like the continuity. I won’t run for this same position next year, though.
I think I have a crush on the girl who works at the Subway I usually go to. Well, maybe not a crush. I certainly find myself paying a lot of attention to her when I’m there and she’s working. I also found out that the one day a week I usually went there was usually her day off, and now all of a sudden I’m not as regular about going there on that day of the week and tend to switch it up a little. But I’m not swooning over her.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a real crush. There have been people that I liked to spend time with, and people I’ve wanted to get to know better, and people I’ve had lust for. But never that borderline obsessive, get weak when they’re around, acting giggly and goofy kind of thing. I’ve had sort-of crushes, though. I’ve had times when I couldn’t get certain people out of my head, sometimes but not always accompanied by lust.
Am I missing out, or am I lucky that I’ve not yet been so involved? I’m sure there are people on both sides of that issue.
Mood: contemplative
Music: Howard Jones - City Song