brought to you by Heineken Teletubbies

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to
sleep. Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend:

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a moment. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is

all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
I suspect that tommorrow will be a beautifal day. What does it tell
you?"

Holmes paused for a moment. "Watson, you stupid!. Some bastard has
stolen our tent."

Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, were up for the job
of homicide detective in a police dept.
They had all scored equally on tests and interviews, and the Chief of
Police couldn't decide between them.

Finally, the Chief decided to ask them all one more question.
He called the brunette in to his office and asked her, "Who killed
Jesus?"
The brunette thought for a moment and then said, "The Jewish
aristocracy killed Jesus."

The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon.
He then called in the redhead and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?".
The redhead replied, "The Romans killed Jesus."
The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon.

Then he called in the blonde and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?".
The blonde thought for a while, and then asked the Chief if she could
get back to him in a couple of days.
The Chief was a little surprised, but decided to give her the time.

That night the blonde went out to dinner with her boyfriend. He asked
her how the interview had gone.
The blonde said, "Interview, hell, I've got my first case!"

The moral of this coming story - never type an email address from memory.
As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how
easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally,
with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets
of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he
decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of
paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it
in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead
to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day
before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead
faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure it's hot down here.

 She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her
said," you must be expecting a very
important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box"..

 The blond answered "no", I am working on my computer and it keeps
telling me that I have mail."

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in
their car at a
drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The
woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the
night off.

She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy
his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at
the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the
others since several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by
himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him
into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my
dress."
He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my
stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said,
remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you
wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming
accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to
great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our
lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs
and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're
tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so
we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more,"
and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds
him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and
asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels'
you've been sending by are the best!"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, CNN and the
Cartoon Network!"

On the back of a motorbiker's jacket.
"IF YOU CAN SEE THIS MY GIRLFRIEND FELL OFF!"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented
a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting
there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to
appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started
to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures
around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure.
I've come to install the phone!"

Parent: What's that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac?

He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man
was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on
his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Drop them here we need to have a look" said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving
they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them
on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again, the guard
demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing
but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one
day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
"Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew
you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word
but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!" said the cyclist.

6 things to do to when your get disconnected from Internet

1. Dial 911 Immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the
past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
6. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.
Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician
that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you
in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally
their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they
had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the
couple took him without hesitation...

On the way home from the adoption center,
they stopped by the local college so they each
could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration
clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to
study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a
Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to
talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements; religion, royalty, sex, and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Non-sense, yes: Yet, can you tell me these are not true?
 

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it
wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end
to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six
months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you
know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a
half years ago."

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are
some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: Wow! What kind is it?

Dave: Twelve-thirty.

Back to my 'Found on the 'Net' page.