PARVUM OPUS
Number 4
NEW YEAR’S MUSE
With the New Year racing in, I intended to note that 12:00 tonight will be neither p.m. (postmeridian) nor a.m. (antemeridian). But it could be both. Twelve o’clock is either midnight or noon. Meridian means noon, and on the 12-hour clock we label our hours before and after noon (antemeridian and postmeridian). Midnight is exactly 12 hours after noon, so why wouldn’t it be 12:00 p.m.? Midnight is also exactly 12 hours before noon, so it could logically be a.m. too. (Splitting time into nanoseconds, by the way, does not alter this problem.) Calling midnight p.m. would set a bad precedent, however, and encourage people to call noon “12:00 a.m.” and vice versa. Let’s not do either; stick with noon and midnight ~ much more evocative terms anyway.
Anyway, a very happy New Year to all ~ and remember, don’t drink and type!
Apostrophic
A nearby church uses several styles of signage to attract attention, if not attendance: a marquee sign on the lawn, messages mowed in the grassy bank overlooking the expressway exit, and, for the last several weeks, bright red plastic cups shoved into the chain link fence spelling out “Sunday’s @ 10:30”. I want to sneak over some night and shove the apostrophe cups out of the fence. It would be justifiable vandalism, I think. Surely someone has mentioned that you generally do not make a plural with an apostrophe, but maybe they’re going on the theory that all publicity is good publicity, and those who stop to point out the error may be persuaded to stay and consider the errors of their own spiritual dots and dashes.
Recently I heard a man on the radio talking about his retirement hobby: He and a friend have formed an apostrophe watchdog society, looking for just this sort of error, and sending complaints to companies. One politely worded letter backfired, however, when they wrote to a company ~ it was a large, well known chain, but let’s call it Joe’s Market ~ because its signs said “Joes Market” though its business letterhead correctly read “Joe’s Market.” In the interests of consistency, the company decided to go with “Joes Market” (maybe they’re going into the Joe business).
The apostrophe guys are thinking of branching out into quotation marks. You know you never feel quite sure of getting a bargain at a “Sale” or of getting good food at a restaurant that advertises:
“Good Food”, much less
“Good” Food or
Good “Food”.
Quotation marks tell you that the source of their content is different from that of the main text, i.e. I didn’t say that, someone else did. Think of the quotation marks in the above examples as meaning “so called” ~ wink wink, nudge nudge.
Unfortunately I didn’t catch the name of the apostrophe squad, but you might check out England’s Apostrophe Protection Society (www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk). There you can find rules as well as bad examples (with photos). I won’t go over all the rules for using apostrophes here, but remember:
Punctuation isn’t ornamental, it conveys specific meanings.
A plural usually does not take an apostrophe.
A possessive does take an apostrophe (except for “its” and “hers” and “ours” . . . ).
Quotation marks are not for emphasis, like italics, bold type, underlining, and other typographic devices.
Typostrophic
As Lewis Carroll wrote in preface to “Hiawatha’s Photographing”:
“In an age of imitation, I can claim no special merit for this slight attempt at doing what is known to be so easy. Any fairly practiced writer, with the slightest ear for rhythm, could compose, for hours together, in the easy running metre of ‘The Song of Hiawatha’.”
Thus, my end-of-the-year meditation on doing wrong when I know what’s right:
The Unattainability of Impeccability, or
I’m Not Bothering to Make A New Year’s Resolution This Year
In the bowels of my computer
Or perhaps my nether brain cells
Lives a typographic gremlin
Who cares not that I’m a speller,
Disregards my grammar knowledge,
Laughs to think that I’m a writer
(Let alone pretend to edit) ~
That to keep from overheating
I must give my thoughts expression,
And attempt perfect composure
When I lay them on the line.
So the gremlin jerks my fingers,
Struts and frets upon my keyboard,
Clouds with floaters my right eyeball,
Even when I type correctly,
Read and proofread till I cannot
Find and fix another error:
Everything looks just as it should be
But it’s all a sad delusion.
“Tart” is “taart,” not even English.
Verbs do not agree with subjects.
Words drop out and strange ones enter.
Print does not match with my brain waves.
GIGO ~ input leads to output ~
Garbage in means garbage out ~ does
Not explain the situation
(Though perhaps it’s instant karma
As I point my ink-stained fingers
At some harmless flubs and glitches).
Like the ancient carpet weavers
Of the fabled looms of Persia,
Should I thread a flower in backwards,
Use red yarn instead of purple,
Purposely distort the pattern,
So Allah will not be offended
By presumption of perfection?
I don’t need to fool my gremlin
By pretending to be flawless.
No god could ever be affronted
By my warp and woof of language ~
Vocabulary, syntax, spelling ~
All are ways and means to blunder.
Any god who’s worth a prayer
Won’t find hubris in these pages,
Only lots of gag material.
So I’m assigned a lesser spirit ~
Just a lowly typing demon
Copyedits all my writing.
Copyright Rhonda Keith 2002. Parvum Opus or part of it may be reproduced only with permission, but it is permissible to forward the entire newsletter as long as the copyright remains.
Parvum Opus is a publication of KeithOps / Opus Publishing Services (www.keithops.us).
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