Number 32
A bumper sticker says "Celebrate kids!" I've never liked this usage of "celebrate" and when I look up the word, I find even less excuse for this cheap, feel-good word litter and more reason to avoid its ubiquitous application. It means:
I adore my kids, and I used to give them birthday parties, but not solemn rites, nor did I toast or salute or glorify them, at least not to their faces. We caroused together, moderately, but that's not the same as celebrating them, them being the object of the verb.
"Celebrate kids" is so impersonal too. Some people love all children indiscriminately, which is admirable, like, you know, loving all human beings. As we should. But the nice person who had that bumper sticker, probably a grade-school teacher or a mother or a coach or a probation officer, might give us a more explicit command. Try throwing confetti at the next kid you see.
The impulse to explain on bumper stickers how you "do it" is fading at last ~ you know, "Librarians do it in novel ways," "Assassins do it from behind," and so on. But at least now we know what "it" means, even if we don't know what "is" is.
You've probably noticed that wearable logos and messages are moving from T-shirts to the bottoms of shorts and workout pants. Years ago The National Lampoon summed up the import of many of the T-shirt messages as "Note These Knockers!" Now the wit of America is migrating to its rear echelon. It's become impossible for females to take offense when someone stares at their chest instead of their face. The next fad may be funny remarks and school names printed on pants zippers. Once I saw a beautiful young girl on a bus in Boston wearing a hat that said "Orgasm Donor." It was witty, but I felt a bit sorry and worried for her.
What's the point of wearing the company logos of clothing prominently displayed on that clothing? They should be paying us to carry advertising, like hiring someone to wear sandwich boards. It's peculiar. Some people, of course, are so eager to have others know that they can buy expensive items that they are even willing to carry purses covered with the very ugly brown Louis Vuitton logo. But why bother to flash a logo of a moderately priced or sometimes even a cheap or unknown label? Does anyone really need to ally themselves with Tommy Hilfiger, a complete stranger?
Some clothing carries fictional logos, perhaps to convey something like nostalgia. I can't imagine what teenagers are supposed to make of clothing art or logos referring to, say, the lost days of the British colonial empire, when those same teenagers hardly know what or where Great Britain is.
The Japanese use English on clothing and packaging in a weird, wacky, wonderful way, for purposes known only to themselves. They may continue. See www.engrish.com.
The Speech Accent Archive web site of George Mason University allows you to listen to a passage of English as spoken by 255 real people from countries all over the world. Useful for teachers, actors, detectives, but there is also technical linguistic information. You may have to install QuickTime in order to hear the clips.
Several readers sent comments on the problems of teaching and teacher evaluations.
One parent asked, what are we to do about poor teachers who are tenured? His daughter had teachers from Germany and China who were difficult to understand. I don't know what subjects they taught, but presumably not German and Chinese. My son also had a Chinese instructor who was hard to understand ~ and he taught English; however, apparently he knew his subject. I refer all students to the Speech Accent Archive, above, for study.
A friend of mine who teaches, and has a Ph.D. (all but dissertation), says she would have difficult passing competency tests that include math. She just doesn't get it, and ~ the universal cry of students everywhere ~ she has never had to use it in real life. Actually, I think the concepts sink in somewhere, to a degree. Everyone who handles money has to use simple arithmetic. The precepts of algebra are basic to logic. She says she understands geometry, and I expect she uses simple plane geometry, at least unconsciously, in planning her landscaping. Fred said when he was a young student, it helped him to think of math as another language, since he's good with languages. His brain must have believed him.
It's reasonable for teachers to be expected to pass a proficiency test in their subject, even years after college. It's reasonable for students to be able to pass some sort of test in all subjects before being issued a high school diploma. The average student could argue that he or she doesn't expect to use anything ~ not history, biology, chemistry, grammar, advanced math ~ but kids have no idea how all these ideas tie in together, and into their lives.
Another reader who assigns blame to the "self-esteem stuff" says:
Even in elementary and middle schools, teachers who "mark hard" are ~ um ~ counseled about their grading policies and teaching methods if enough of their students "are not successful" in their class. It's always the fault of the teacher, of course, if the student doesn't "get it" ~ even if little Eddie has just realized he has a body part that makes him feel good when he plays with it, and he chooses that activity over participating in a class discussion of "The Red Badge of Courage" that he hasn't read, anyway! (True story from my very own archives ~ sort of disrupts the entire class, believe me!)The first indication I had of the seriousness of the "dumbing down" problem was when the folks in Princeton "adjusted" the SAT grading policy so more students would be "successful" and get good scores. A side effect, of course, was that the achievement of earlier good-scorers was diminished ~ a perfect 600 on either part of the SAT no longer meant the student really knew his stuff, but rather that he was able to get enough right answers that he made the cut, so to speak. Hogwash.
Last week I mentioned Patrick Moore's site. Because Patrick Moore is a tenured professor, he is protected from fallout of evaluations complaining ungrammatically that he is a hard grader, which you can find on his web site. See also "Declining Standards" by writer and professor Walter Williams; and Larry Crumbley's page, Society for A Return to Academic Standards (I erroneously attributed this title to Moore), for numerous articles on student evaluations.
Once again a short-short story of mine is a runner-up in Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine Mysterious Photograph contest, and once again the story won't be printed, just my name, in the September 2003 issue, on the stands now. This means you are among the few who will be able to read "Carry a Big Stick" on my web page.
Copyright Rhonda Keith 2003. Parvum Opus or part of it may be reproduced only with permission, but it is permissible to forward the entire newsletter as long as the copyright remains.
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