WHO'S YOUR DADDY? OR WHAT?

In America Alone by Mark Steyn (which is about demographics), he writes that in Spain, "...the government decided to replace the words 'father' and 'mother' on its birth certificates with the less orientationally offensive terms 'Progenitor A' and 'Progenitor B.' This was part of the bureaucratic spring-cleaning of traditional language that always accompanies the arrival in law of 'gay marriage.'" But the Spanish fertility rate is down to 1.1, about half replacement rate, so the birth certificate issue won't be relevant very long for the native Spaniards. As if that weren't a sufficiently stimulating fact, "...in 2006 Spain's ruling socialist Party introduced a bill in parliament legislating that apes be included in 'the category of persons, and that they be given the moral and legal protection that currently are only enjoyed by human beings" because [humans share a large percentage of their genetic makeup with various apes]. Might as well put Ape A and Ape B on the birth certificates. Maybe apes will get the vote too. I see this as the future of the dwindling population of the European Union.

LET US DEFINE OUR TERMS

In Jesus in Beijing by David Aikman, he writes that when capitalism began to seep into China, the Deng "regime call the new system 'socialism with Chinese characteristics'." Don't try using this definition on a test in an economics class.

RIGGING

Don't know where I read "jury-rigged" for "jerry-rigged", in reference to a wi-fi setup, not politics. Jerry-rigged means built or repaired quickly in an unprofessional manner; makeshift. The writer confused the expression with rigging a jury (illicitly influencing a juror's opinion).

SHE MUST BE JOKING, MAYBE

How can you tell someone is joking in written material without emoticons, the keyboard's wink wink nudge nudge? Sometimes Fred tells me I should make it more clear when I'm joking, when he thinks my jokes are a little too dry or esoteric. Singer Sheryl Crow, who's on a Stop Global Warming Tour, wrote in her blog (typos are hers):

I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required. When presenting this idea to my younger brother, who's judgement I trust implicitly, he proposed taking it one step further. I believe his quote was, "how bout just washing the one square out."

I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the heighth of wastefullness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve". The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product.. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

I know nothing about Sheryl Crow, but I'm sure she's joking, except maybe about the paper napkins. I used to buy cloth napkins at garage sales and keep a basket full of them by the kitchen table, and had enough to have clean ones ready all the time. But the other stuff ... nah. One, her little brother's suggestion is impossible. Two, I think performers are into fashion and Crow would not wipe her mouth on her sequined sleeve. But if she's joking here, is she serious about everything else, politics etc., in her blog? Anyway, if she's serious and the government gets hold of this idea, we may have to go to the personal hygiene system used in some countries that shall be nameless, of using the left hand and then washing up. Assuming there's enough water. Unless they promise bidets for everyone. Well, let's all do some thought experiments to test this theory.

Dennis Miller, who has a new radio program that airs on the web every day, did a funny bit about Crow's TP proposal (April 23 broadcast). Miller's pretty amusing talking about the news, and I for one need more amusement from the news. He is very literate, and relies on a formula of outrageously funny similes and metaphors, although he occasionally uses the wrong word, or uses a word wrongly, maybe because he talks so fast. He's from Pittsburgh and he has identified some of the Pittsburgh expressions that have stuck with him: gum bands, for rubber bands; red up your room, meaning clean up your room, which we've discussed before (it's not just a Pittsburgh expression); and you'ns as the plural you, equivalent to y'all in the south and youse in New York and New Jersey.

ASCENDANTS

I heard another person say he was of "African ascension" rather than descent. Now it strikes me as a very positive expression. Will anyone of other races take it up?

STRAIGHT, GAY, OR OTHER

Ann Coulter, right wing writer, caught some flak when she used the word "faggot" in a joke about John Edward's $400 haircuts. Although like the N word, the F word is used by people toward themselves, it's generally considered an insult. "Faggot" also means a stick of kindling, and one story is that when people used to burn witches, they would sometimes use homosexuals as kindling, or so I was told by a homosexual many years ago. Left wing writer Maureen Dowd, on the other hand, used the word "metrosexual" in writing about John Edward's $400 haircuts. A metrosexual may be heterosexual, thus the word play, but he's not the kind of rough trade that I prefer. A metrosexual fusses too much with his hair, clothes, jewelry, and possibly makeup. So John Edwards is losing favor on all sides. The question is, which is the worse insult?

QUICK, BEFORE THEY'RE GONE

You may have noticed that some clothing manufacturers are printing their labels with brand names, sizes, etc. directly onto the garment instead of sewing in a printed or woven label. This is an improvement, since it's undoubtedly cheaper for them, the labels are so often scratchy, and too often a tag sticks up from the back of the neck, which always makes me want to reach out to perfect strangers and tuck it back in. The new printed info probably means the cloth labels will be disappearing, for the most part. But I've always liked the different designs on cloth labels, especially the woven ones, and of course ~ they have words on them. Some years back I started collecting them. I used some to make a couple of miniature quilts, and someday in my declining years, I'd like to make a big wordy quilt. Before the labels completely disappear from the landscape (like wooden thread spools did suddenly), I'd like to send out a request for your clothing labels, if you care to remove them from old clothes before you throw them out, or even from the clothes you're actually wearing. If you'd like to do that, write to me and I'll send you my address and postage.

NEXT WEEK

Next week, more on the Virginia Tech shooter from some PO readers.

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Parvum Opus CafePress shop: New: "I am here"; "Someone went to Heaven and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" T-shirts; "I eat dead things" doggy shirt and BBQ apron; Parvum Opus mouse pad; and more!

HUR HERALD

Parvum Opus is now being carried by the Hur Herald, a web newspaper from Calhoun County, West Virginia. See Editor Bob Weaver's interview with me (February 10, 2007 entry), and the PO every week in Columns.

NEW! SHORT ORDER

Short Order is a new series of my short stories in 5 1/2" x 8 1/2" booklet format. The first two are available now for $5 each (includes mailing).

/// In Carl Kriegbaum Sleeps with the Corn, a young computer guy who dreams of becoming a big-time gambler sets up web sites for his role model, a real big-time gambler, Stockyard Stan of Kansas City. But when Carl comes up short on his gambling debts, he finds himself wearing concrete boots in the middle of a Kansas cornfield. 26 pages.

/// Still Ridge is about what happens when the old-time moonshine business meets up with a predatory modern bottled water corporation. How far will Kate, a newcomer to the mountains, go to protect the water supply? 22 pages.

THIS IS REALLY NEW! For women who get massage or chiropractic treatment, who sleep on their stomachs, or have implants, try Rhonda's original Breast Cushion to take the pressure off. Go to www.keithops.us/cushion.

WHEN SONNY GETS BLUE! Check out the video clips of Sonny Robertson and the Howard Street Blues Band at www.sonnyrobertson.com and www.youtube.com/rondaria, with his new original song, "A Different Shade of Blue".

SEARCH IT OUT ON AMAZON : It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter. Proverbs 25:2

The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is not composed of atoms, but stories. The physicist Werner Heisenberg said the universe is not made of matter, but music.

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Parvum Opus is a publication of KeithOps / Opus Publishing Services. Back issues may be found at http://www.keithops.us/. Feel free to e-mail me with comments or queries. The PO mailing list is private, never given or sold to anyone else. If you don't want to receive Parvum Opus, please reply with "unsubscribe," "quit," "enough," or something like that in the subject line, and I'll take you off the mailing list. Copyright Rhonda Keith 2007. Parvum Opus or part of it may be reproduced only with permission, but you may forward the entire newsletter as long as the copyright remains.