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"Yeah, this is just what I wanted to spend my vacation doing...
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...fucking little sumbitch, I'll kill him..."
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Just when I start to lose my faith in the WWF, they come blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated... they redeem themselves. I was watching a recent RAW and stroking my bearded chin, commenting of how unsatisfied I was with this less-than-jaunty episode in the lives of my favorite WWF superstars. Then, at the end of the main event, The Rock and Austin started singing to each other. It was the most retarded, fucked up thing I'd seen in weeks, and I totally loved it. I walked away with a giant grin and laughter in my belly, so bless you, WWF. Even you, little Test. Even you. Of course, there are fans who didn't like it, but that's why wrestling fans scare the shit out of me. The day that two mortal enemies singing with each other is considered a bad thing is a day I don't want to see. I just don't wanna see it. I don't.
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I can't say anything bad about Foley. He's kinda fat, I guess.
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I love Austin. I used to hate him; I remember watching the 2000 Royal Rumble at a local bar and being part of the only table that booed when he won. Of course, we were surrounded by rednecks (or "little people", as I like to call them) at the time. I started watching WWF after Mick Foley had retired and while Austin was away with a neck injury, and I'd heard a lot of great things about both guys. With Foley's return and some research into his career I ended up loving the guy, and now consider him part of my illustrious "four most influential people on the earth". Austin, on the other hand, had nothing. I couldn't understand why he was so popular. As a mid-carder he would have been sorta funny, but as the greatest wrestling phenomenon since Hulk Hogan I bit my thumb. "Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?" my Austin fan friends would ask, and I'd reply, "I do bite my thumb, sir."
"Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?"
"No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir."
"Do you quarrel, sir?"
"Quarrel, sir? No, sir."
"But if you do, sir, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you."
"No better."
"Well, sir."
Man, I love Shakespeare. He doesn't suck, I'll tell you that. What's the opposite of suck? Whatever it is, that's him. He's the reversal of suck. He doesn't suck even a little bit, and certainly not entirely and completely. I'd bite my thumb at that guy any day.
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You ever see that A&E Stone Cold biography?
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He's a really nice guy. He reads to blind people.
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So Austin, he had his moments, but basically I couldn't wait for him to get off the screen. A lot of people criticize the Rock for relying on preset catchphrases, but the old (or "classic") Austin was way worse. Come down to the ring, call somebody a sumbitch, ask for a "Hell Yeah", stunner, drink some beer. Oh yeah, and some middle fingers. That's just fantastic.
Austin 3:16 I had to respect, because any burn on religion is a gold star in my book, but even that's been truncated. "You sit there and you thump your bible and you say your prayers, and it didn't get you anywhere. Talk about John 3:16... Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!" That first line about the bibles and psalms, you never hear that anymore, I assume so as not to offend any fucking religious people. Or, as I like to call them "stupid fucking religious fuckers who can fucking fuck themselves straight to fucking fuck". Then I cover them in gasoline and set them on fire, before pissing on their ashes and shitting on their graves. Then I kill their families and bomb their communities while stabbing their pets and cursing the day they'd been vomited onto this earth. So yeah, I kinda like the whole 3:16 thing, except that instead of using it as a bash against the religious the little people just write it on signs so they can get on tv. They don't understand what it's really about: It's about whipping ass, religious ass, Jake the Snake's religious ass. You just can't trust the little people. They're queer wee folk.
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"Tell my one o'clock she makes me sick. And give her the finger.
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Then call her trash and give her both fingers. And bring me some beer."
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When Austin turned at Wrestlemania, I was the happiest guy. I thought it was great. Then he went through a series of changes, and with each one I loved him more. The guy can act, he's got what you call range, and an eye for comedy I never woulda guessed at. From what people tell me he was great back in the old days, 96-98, but I wasn't watching then, was I? No I fucking wasn't, I was busy sitting around not getting laid. You'd think if I was gonna not get laid I could have at least been watching wrestling. Shit. Anyway, after Austin's turn he was more or less himself and having a hard time getting over as a heel, but then he started going nuts. He'd shine his Championship belt all the time, and hug it when people weren't looking. Then he graduated to hugging other men, and the crazy look on his face the first time he hugged Vince McMahon was one of the best things I've ever seen. Once he broke out the guitar and started serenading people I was totally sold. Austin is one of the greatest performers ever.
"That's not what we need now, Vince. We don't need violence - it's not the answer to our problems, man! Vince, let me explain something to ya. Ever since I was a little kid, if I ever had a problem, my dad would break out the ol' geetar and sing me a few songs, and I'd forget about the bully next door pickin' on me, or whatever the problem was. I couldn't do the homework right, I'd forget about it! All through words and music, provided by my father. That's what I'm offering here, words and music, inspiration for you! Look at me! Stone Cold is here to sing to you and solve your problems! This is inspiration, man, can't you feel it? This is like chicken soup for the soul!"
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"God no, Austin, please! I have a career!"
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Eventually he started saying "what" a lot when he had some spare time from breaking cinder blocks over Tazz's head. I was kind of surprised that "What" lasted for so long -- the rest of his heel gimmicks only lasted a couple of fortnights, which my european friends tell me is about two half-months. At first I thought he was making a mistake by running with it for so long, because the fans didn't really seem to appreciate how funny his precise timing and hammering repetition actually was. But slowly, it won them over. At this point the crowd is shouting "WHAT?" after every sentence, and Austin can spend half a minute staring down the Rock with backup from the crowd saying "What?" WHAT? "What?" WHAT?
I love it when the crowd gets involved, even when it's something as completely stupid as saying "what" seven dozen times. The crowd wants to play along, like that time Eddie Guerrero's head came off and everybody threw it around the arena like a beach ball, which I think everyone agrees turned out to be a life altering evening. A lot of friendships were forged that night that will never be broken, and it made the whole show a lot better. Plus, Eddie got addicted to pain killers when they reattached his head and because his eyeballs weren't used to being attached to his neck he got drunk and drove around and was eventually fired. Good times.
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"HOLY FUCK WE'RE GAY! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!
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OH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?! FUUUUUUCK!!!"
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A great example of crowd participation is the Road Dogg; I never liked the guy, and his Shake Rattle And Roll was right up there with X-Pac's Bronco Buster for moves that made me want to become a wrestler just so I could "accidentally" cripple their perpetrators. I actually saw Road Dogg do the "Doggy Style" once, which involved him pretending to fuck his opponent in the ass, and I had to use coarse sandpaper to scrub my eyeballs before I set my head on fire. Plus, I killed a guy. But when Road Dogg was in the New Age Outlaws with Billy Gunn, another wrestler I'd pretty much like to chop into hamburger and feed to the other wrestlers, they were great. They were great just because they came to the ring while Road Dogg recited "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, Degeneration X proudly brings to you..." Everyone knew the words and everyone shouted along, and for me, that was enough. I'll admit it, give me a good gimmick and I'll overlook any amount of blows that don't connect and moves that couldn't possibly hurt. I'll even watch a People's Elbow and only complain maybe forty or fifty times as long as the Rock mentions someone's candy ass without pretending that he's gonna fuck it. Great wrestling can save a boring gimmick, but it's a lot easier for a good gimmick to save unexceptional wrestling. A good gimmick is like leprechaun gold -- everybody wants it, but use it too long and it turns your balls green and fills your cock with puss. I mean, just look at The Godfather. Actually, he was a victim of the PTC, but don't doubt for a minute that that guy had a puss filled cock. I actually saw some squirt out in a match once, and it was more embarrassing than spotting one of Jericho's blood capsules. It hit a ho in the face and burned until I could see bone.
Come on, you've gotta remember that. I know I'm not the only one who saw it.
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"Was I popular because of the mic skills? The hos?
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No, mon! It was voodoo!"
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BACKSTAGE WITH UNCLE PAUL
I've been reading that Paul Heyman is having a bit of a tough time adjusting to being part of a WWF committee, when back in ECW he called all the shots. It's gotta be tough. Instead of being constantly shot down, a standard night at ECW went more like:
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"Okay Rhino, you're wrestling Kid Kash, and Tajiri, you're against Taz- oh, wait, Taz already left so he could get thrown out of the Royal Rumble in less than 8 seconds. My mistake. Okay, so Justin-"
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"Hey Uncle Paul, can I eat this whole can of frosting for dinner?"
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"Yes RVD, yes you can. You're my favorite child. You can do anything you want."
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"Can I drive a metal chair into somebody's skull until I can see their brains come out?"
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And they lived happily ever after.
Nov.14/01
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