You know when you watch RAW or Smackdown, and you see those lame-asses in the front row who are totally not into it? HHH could be punching Rocky in the head not half a foot away from them and they just stand there like deer in headlights. Those people are retarded, because being that close to a WWF show is the greatest fucking thing ever.

Me and the lads went to two house shows on January 4th and 5th, even though they were virtually identical in content. I expected that, but what I didn't expect was how much of a difference being close to the ring would make. The first night we were pretty far back, but I was still excited; my first WWF show, seeing all these people live, it was definitely great. But in the back of my head I knew it was also very different, no changing camera angles, no announcers, and a crowd that was strangely not into it. So me and my friend Sean kept ourselves occupied by being loudmouthed fucking jerks, and through the quietness that most of the matches received our hilarious comments could be heard loud and clear. Don't worry, I assure you that we were the most gentlemanly and very wittiest of loud, obnoxious assholes.

The next night we saw the show again in my home town of Fredericton, only this time my friend Matt had waited in line for a lot of fucking hours to get us 2nd row floor seats. That combined with the smaller barricades and smaller ring used by WWF 'B' Shows (5000 seat or less) left us really close, even closer than the people you see in the front row at televised events. That alone has made me respect and revere the House Show, because otherwise we would never have gotten seats that good, let alone had the WWF come to Fredericton at all.

Most peculiar, I think our "B" show was actually better than the 'A' show that went on the same night. Check it out:

Binghamton, NY 'A' Show Match # 1 Crash vs. Rico Constantino Match # 2 Spike Dudley vs. The Brooklyn Brawler Match # 3 Jazz vs. Jackie (replacing Trish Stratus) Match # 4 Lance Storm vs. Brock Lesnar Match # 5 Scotty Too Hotty & Albert vs. Billy & Chuck Match # 6 Justin Credible vs. Ron Waterman Match # 7 The Dudley Boyz vs. The APA - Tag Team Titles Match # 8 Diamond Dallas Page vs. Booker T (w/ Big Bossman) Match # 9 Triple H & Kane vs. Chris Jericho & Kurt Angle

Fredericton, NB 'B' Show Match # 1 Tajiri vs. Kidman - Cruiserweight Match # 2 Lita vs. Molly Match # 3 Stasiak (replacing Raven) vs. Randy Orton Match # 4 Hurricane vs. Funaki Match # 5 Big Show vs. Hugh Morris Match # 6 Christian vs. Rikishi - European Match # 7 Hardyz vs. Steven Richards and Tommy Dreamer Match # 8 Edge vs. Val Venis - Intercontinental Match # 9 RVD vs. Test

They got HHH mere days before his return, which cannot be overstated in coolness, as well as Jericho and the Dudleyz, but considering how small a 'B' show is comparatively, I couldn't believe how well our card stacked up. We had only one unknown vs the 'A' show's three, a women's match that destroyed the shitty Jackie and Jazz match they got, we got a Hurricane/Funaki good vs. evil match, we got the Hardyz, we got Edge, we got Christian, we got Tajiri, we got Rob Van Dam. The Big Show and Stasiak matches were both good, the Big Show's being funny and the Stasiak/Orton match being legitimately decent, as well as Stasiak tripping and acting like a dumb-ass for our amusement. All in all a really strong card. Seeing HHH would have been great, but I was shocked to find out how crappy the 'A' show was. No Rock, no Austin, no McMahon, no Old Man Flair. Things really couldn't have stacked up better for us 'B' show plebs.

(Click for a larger pic of RVD)

If you ever get a chance to see the WWF that close, say, anywhere in the first three or four rows on the floor (after that being on the floor actually becomes a liability, because of all the heads in your way), do it. When the Insane Clown Posse called WWF The Greatest Show, they knew what they were talking about. The crowd in Fredericton was definitely livelier than the one the night before, but some of that might have been our perception by being right in the middle of it. A couple of my friends got RVD sweat on them, how fucking cool is that? We also got a real nice view between Rikishi's legs when he fell down just right, which caused rows of people to avert their eyes in fear and disgust. That's awesome.

I also learned something about myself -- I can't help but yell at wrestlers. A lot. Both nights me and Sean were ten times as vocal as anyone else in the arena, yelling our opinions and making hilarious burns. Stupid shit like "You're on your own, Christian!" and "Keep dreaming, Tommy!" may not be funny on paper, but they seemed hilarious at the time. Or "WCW forever, Morris!" and "Where's Kronik, Steven?"

"You suck, Test! Do the job!" Man, did we rail Test. I hate Test, I can't stand the guy, he's like a plain fucking donut, but by the end of the 2nd night I was glad he was in the main event. I never had so much fun giving a guy shit. I think he was legitimately pissed by the end of the match, our whole section just wouldn't lay off of him. A nice "testicle" chant broke out, and it didn't help that Test's fly came undone halfway through. We laughed at him bad for a particularly crappy flurry of blows to RVD's head, which from our angle we could tell were totally fake. He finally snapped and yelled "Shut up you fat mark!" at this chubby kid in the front row. I never laughed so hard, that was the shit.

We gave Molly some very vocal support over all the Lita worship, and it's great being that close and knowing that the wrestlers can actually hear you. Not that I have anything against Lita, but Molly's the best. The first night of the good vs evil match I was behind Hurricane all the way, but the second night I decided that Funaki was my man. He was getting booed by everybody, so the eight of us started a "Sho! Sho!" chant. He came to our side of the ring, nodded at us and mouthed "thank you." Man, that was fucking great.

Speaking of being recognized, Shawn Stasiak told Sean to shut up, and Billy Kidman was leaning over the guard rail, daring him to come closer to the ring and get his ass kicked. Our crowd was mouthy as hell, but Sean was so mouthy that he stuck out, and I think that's something to be proud of. How many people get singled out by two separate wrestlers in one night? Sean held his ground too, daring the fuckers to come get some, but come on, it was Kidman and Stasiak. He coulda taken them both easy.

Finkle even gave us a dirty look because we wouldn't shut our fat faces, which was kinda cool.

I think Edge saw my E+C Pose-Itively Awesome shirt, which I was pointing at wildly. Next to RVD, Edge was the star of the night, with his maple-leaf hat and the fact that he used to live in New Brunswick. Val Venis was doing his conservative RTC character and burned the hell out of Canada for its shitty money and bullshit health care system, which got him booed by everybody but me. I totally agreed with the guy, but I still forgot to scan a picture of him. Sorry there, Val.

Even just the little things, like Rikishi smiling his big fat man smile and having his eyes connect with you for a second, that's awesome. It's also great going with that many people, we could pretty much maintain a chant by ourselves. It'd be tough to get a chant started on your own, but when you've got six other guys and one chick as immediate backup your chants can catch on pretty quickly.

We all yelled "HOOOOOOO!" when Matt Hardy hit his second-rope-leg-drop-of-doom, and most of the crowd yelled "HOOOOOOO!" for every high spot the Hardyz did from then on. It's a weird feeling, being connected to a few thousand other people through one word. I think that's why Austin's "What?" chant took off. It's something to connect the crowd, and something that people kept saying at our show even though nobody it would apply to was actually there. Val Venis got totally pissed, it drowned out his whole speech.

It also did a number on Christian's, but I've got it on tape to commemorate the time Fredericton was burned by Christian. Check out:

Christian Burns Fredericton (1:21, 477k) When I showed up at the arena here tonight, there was a group of people standing out back and I couldn't believe my ears, because they were chanting "Christian sucks". It actually hurt my feelings a little bit because as we all know, I too am a canadian. As I thought about it a little more I realized I really don't care what you morons here in Fredericton think, because as you people well know, anything east of Toronto doesn't count anyway. So I'll tell you what: You people show the Champion of Europe a little more respect. I don't want anybody chanting Christian sucks!

"You got him, Kidman!" when Tajiri was obviously kicking his ass.

"I know your secret identity!" to Hurricane at the absolute quietest point in his match in Matt's loudest voice -- I'm certain the whole arena heard him.

"Show us your tits, Hugh!" but then he actually did by getting his shirt ripped off by Big Show, so that wasn't cool.

"Who are you?" chant for Randy Orton.

"I came to see Orton!"
(Then a guy behind us started a "Horton" chant, and by the end of the match we were cheering for "Horty")

(Click for a quality picture of Test)

"Go horse face!" was Sean's addition to the Test match, and it totally cracked up our whole section. Man, Test must have hated us so much...

And on that note...

Fredericton Burns Test
(1:06, 392k)

Feb.12/02