Playboy is releasing a DVD called Joanie Laurer Nude: Wrestling Superstar. I'm only mentioning this so I can mention her WWF "workout" tape, Chyna Fitness. Now I've never seen this tape, but I did happen to stumble across a couple of vidcaps...

Hello! What's this? Could it be... softcore porn? Wow! Look at that! Who woulda thought the WWF would resort to those kinds of shenanigans? Golly!

To put all speculation to rest, I'm here to say that Chyna never wanted to be a wrestler. She wanted to be a porn star. She wanted guys to get boners when they looked at her. It took awhile to save the money for this new look, and wrestling helped out, but wrestling was never her real goal. She wanted to show her titties and have people pay to see 'em. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just want to make sure the whole thing's clear.

Congratulations, Chyna, you finally made it. This truly is the merriest Christmas of all.

Now, on to Stephanie: As soon as she said she had an announcement, we all guessed that she was pregnant. Actually, only my friend Lars guessed, but fuck off. Anyway, it's certain that Chirple H, as she calls him, isn't the father. He's so roided up that his dick has fought its way into his enlarged veins and now swims freely and gayly throughout his body. Nope, the dad's gotta be someone else. But who?

Kurt Angle? Nah, too obvious, and that whole deal with Stephanie last year was just to piss off Chirple. Kurt knows Steph's a slut, and no condom will cover his ten foot long olympic pole-vaulting penis. That's really true, I read it on a website. It was this website and I just wrote it, but that counts.

Golddust? Now there's an interesting one. Gay... or is he? No, he's definitely gay. Not as gay as Billy and Chucky, but pretty gay. Lemme say for the record that I love Billy and Chuck. They're like Edge and Christian with ass-slapping, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Finkle? Haha. Yeah. Finkle.

Molly. Molly and Steph, damn, that's hot... I guess that'd mean Molly'd have to have a dick, but whatever. Mmm... Molly...

Crash and Spike... at the same time? Stop the contest, we have a winner! Lord knows which one of them actually impregnated her, but Spike can sit on Crash's shoulders and they can father the child as one. Or they can each suckle at Steph's tits, leaving no room for the baby, who will wither and die. There's some feud material, right there.

The real question is, as the pregnancy progresses, will Stephanie's gigantic breasts grow even larger? Will they be bigger than her head? More so? When she lays on her back to give birth, will their weight suffocate her, snapping her feeble ribcage? Only time will tell, and time says yes. Stay tuned, folks. And watch the skies...