AN: For Brian and Leigh, because, just because. Happy Birthday Brian! ********************** Here We Go Again ********************* "Here we go again!" *You know I like to watch you sleep No I don't wanna touch you, you'll get mad at me No I don't wanna think about the bad times Anyone could have a bad year* For as long as he could remember, Brian had wanted a family. Wanted the white picket fence and the dozens of children. He dreamed of stumbling down the stairs and tripping over toddler toys. Craved finding his wife's lipstick on the collar of his shirts. Couldn't wait for the day until someone made him the luckiest man alive for so long he sometimes wondered of he'd ever find happily ever after. He had, and it had taken long enough, but he had found her. Found and wooed and loved and won her so that she slept with her head next to his on silk pilowcases, blonde hair spilling like gold ink so that he woke inhaling it along with the overwhelming scent of cinammon. So that he could wake early and watch her deep, even breaths as she slept and dreamt of things he'd never know. Happily ever after hadn't come easily to Brian and the morning after the ride into the sunset hadn't been a walk in the proverbial park. Being a Backstreet Boy was never easy. Being a married Backstreet Boy was more difficult than hard. *Now I don't want you to show me Do not want you to know me The way I used to be All these good things we have Would not mean a damn to me And I don't wanna hear those words you feel you have to say When you find out how I used to be Back in the day* Not that there hadn't been a time when Brian had glorified in the money and fame and women. They had been so damn young when they started, not much older, and so less wiser, when they finally "made" it. He wasn't proud of the man he had been but never forgot him. He had always wanted a family. Sometimes dreams were easy to loose track of when iullsions get in his way though. It had been so much easier to pretend to be happy than to search for it when everyone kept telling him he had everything. *Yeah, you know I like the way you slide Yeah, yes I like it when you do that slow glide Now, please don't badtalk all those good times Don't ask for answers, baby, that you do not want to hear* It was funny considering how many women he could, and had, chosen from in years past that when Leighanne moved, all he saw was her. There was just something about her that drew him so strongly. He loved to watch her move, loved to watch her grace. She swung her hips like a model and walked like a dancer. When she smiled, Brian saw the sun. Sometimes he wished she had been all he had known. Sometimes he wished that he didn't know quite so much. Ignorance in Leighanne's arms would have been bliss he would have been loathe to give up. He wished for so many things still. *Now I don't want you to make me Do not need you to break me Of all my childish ways I'm still the same, you know Dumb, rock hard, and good to go I still hear them voices calling me from back in the day Oh baby can't you see there ain't no place I'd rather be* Brian never worried about their marriage, or them, or the thousand of things he knew Leigh thought of all time. He wished, among so many things, that she would be more comfortable around Nick and the guys after all these years. Nick threatened her, by knowing Brian for so much longer, and by being so much closer in so many ways. Leighanne loved him desparately but she didn't always understand him. Didn't understand the silliness that drew him to his younger band mate or his passion for music. He wished she would accept that his love was unconditional and absolute. That his eyes would, could, never stray. Not when they were fixed so firmly and unwaveringly upon her. *Then watchin' dirty movies In that happy room with you Sleepin' on a mattress in the corner Eating Chinese food I hear that voice in my head Say here we go again* He cherished Saturday mornings when they were home from tour on break. When he and Leigh made it their tradition to wake leisurely and slow, content to clothe themselves in silk sheets and each others' heavy stares. Brian Littrell might be the "Brother Brian" to his fans but certainly not his wife. They had Chinese food in bed, with chopsticks and their fingers, laughing as soy sauce got on their blankets or rice in their hair. They never left bed before noon on Saturdays if they could help it. *Now here we go again* Some mornings they didn't rise till well after three. *I know you like the way I rock Sometimes I just need to drown out all that bad talk Yeah, I could not care less what your friends say Someone's always talkin' shit about the old days* As much as Brian missed his wife on tour, he loved it, loved the fans and the concerts, even when they left him panting for breath. He loved it when Leigh flew out and sat in first row. Loved her eyes when he sang to her in front of thousands. Loved the way her full lips curled into a smile meant just for him. Loved her so much, and hoped that she would ignore all the rumors and whispers of things done and buried and past. Sometimes it was enough to know people had skeletons. You didn't actually have to see them all to love them still. *You do not need to remind me That I left it all behind Those things I used to do I don't want that other life 'cause I am so in love with you I can barely hear it calling me from back in the day Oh baby can't you see there ain't no place I'd rather be* He didn't regret. Brian had lived too much to regret anything. He might have done things differently, but he'd never take things back. Every decision made had molded him into the man he had become. And that man was someone who had finally found his version of happily ever after. He remembered the fast living and faster women. The beer and long nights out. Some nights he ever felt tempted to go out with Nick or Howie or even AJ. But he never did, and never would return to his former self. There were too many things he loved about who and where he was to trade it for anything in the world. *Then watching dirty movies In that happy room with you Sleepin' on a mattress in the corner Eating Chinese food I hear that voice in my head Say here we go again* Even on tour, Brian never ate Chinese food without smiling. *Yeah here we go again Oh baby here we go again I know, here we go...* Never looked at another women without comparing her to Leighanne, and finding her lacking. *Baby baby can't you see* Couldn't believe how lucky he was to have his one real, true dream come true. *Yes I know you got some doubts I know you don't believe I know you think I'm crazy Yeah but I know you're just like me When I hear that voice inside me Makes me want to jump right in Sayin' here we go Here we go Here we go Here we go again* And he hated to see the doubts, the insecurities in her eyes but he hardly faulted her for them. He might have doubted too, in her place. But it was enough to know she loved him, despite her fears, enough to know he loved her enough to compensate for them. Enough to know that every morning he woke in their bed he could roll over and watch her sleep. Could stroke the soft strands of her hair and run a rough thumb across the smooth warmth of her satin cheeks. *Let's go watch some dirty movies Yes in that nasty little room Sleepin' on the mattress while we eat that greasy Chinese food I hear that voice in my head Say here we go again* Enough to know that Saturdays were theirs to indulge and bask in. Enough that she was Leighanne Littrell. It was all he had ever wanted, and Brian had got it. *Baby, here we go again*