AN: I really shouldn't start a new story but... LOL I've had this written out for awhile and couldn't resist. inspiredthoughts@hotmail.com Feedback? :) ************** Finding Happiness: Chapter One *************** Bernadette had hated Kevin Richardson for as long as she could remember. It was one of those undeniable facts of life… She was a woman with dark hair and darker eyes. The sky was blue. The grass was green. Kevin Richardson was a prick. It was a natural law. A thing as undeniable as gravity. He was a jerk. A grade A ass. Her mother, of course, adored him. “Kevin! My dear boy, you’ve grown up to be such a handsome young man… Come in, come in, your mother phoned and said she’d be a few minutes late. Bernie, come get Kevin’s coat.” Bernadette’s jaw tightened and she sighed before walking into the entry way and taking the expensive leather coat from her nemesis. She refused to look at him. Refused to give him the pleasure. Refused to see the smirk on his lips or the emerald green of his eyes… Crap. She had looked up. And sure enough, there was the smirk in all its arrogant glory and his inhuman eyes, twinkling, laughing at her, always laughing at her. Of course. Bernie was the inadvertent butt of every joke Kevin Richardson had ever laughed at. “Hello Bernadette.” “Kevin,” she snapped in greeting and, miffed at herself as much as him, whirled and hung the coat with more force than was probably necessary. “PMS?” he asked sweetly in an undertone that couldn’t be heard by her mother. Bernadette ground her teeth and tried really hard not to deck him. It was close. “Why don’t you tell me sweetie? You have that bloated look that tells me you’re retaining water…” She ducked expertly out of reach as the green in Kevin’s eyes flared and fumed. It didn’t matter if her mother was standing ten feet away in perfect view. You didn’t question Kevin Richardson’s masculinity without getting out of grabbing range. She had learned that lesson all too well as a child. And a girl. And a woman. All that crap about Kevin being a southernly gentleman was bull. Bernadette had the bruises, and the occasional scar, to prove it. Oh, she doubted he hit girls on a regular basis but she seemed to be in a league of her own. You’d think that he would have grown up in the years, decades, that she had known him. He might have, if it hadn’t been for one unfortunate incident from which Kevin would never forgive her. “Unca Kevin!” Bernadette stepped expertly aside as a brown haired whirlwind flew down the stairs and directly into Kevin’s waiting, eager arms. Her dark eyes watched her daughter’s face, then flickered to the open, unshadowed smile on Kevin’s. Funny how delighted he was to see Belinda now. He had punched a hole through a wall when he had found out about her existence so many years ago. And Belinda was the reason Kevin would hate Bernie until the day he died. Because Bernadette had ruined his cousin’s precious credibility and reputation when she had become pregnant with Belinda. With Brian’s daughter. Never mind that Kevin adored Belinda now, and that he had never even thought of being miffed at Brian. Oh no, it was always, ALWAYS, Bernadette’s fault. Her fault that she had faithfully taken the pill and that they had used protection and that, by some freak one in a million chance, despite doing EVERYTHING they could have done to prevent it, Bernie had gotten pregnant. And had Belinda nine months later. Or more specifically Bernadette had had Belinda, alone, in the hospital, without anyone there. Without anyone to hold her hand and tell her she had no reason to be terrified. But she had been, so afraid of the blood and the cold sterile hospital and all the tubes and machines. She had given birth to her baby girl in one of those white, feautreless rooms. Had held her for the first time in a silence so deep it broke Bernadette’s heart. Had named her child by herself, because no one had cared enough to help her. Oh, Brian had come out as soon as she was born. Had fallen in love with his bright, blue eyed daughter at first sight, but heaven forbid he had actually been able to be there when Bernadette had needed him, someone, anyone. He was a good father though, Bernie had to give him that. He rarely found time to visit, and the press was a nightmare, but he came when he could. He called at least once a week, and always sent birthday and Christmas presents in a timely fashion. He adored his child, even if she had been born out of self righteous wed lock, but Bernadette was an entirely different matter all together. She and Brian had dated for almost a year before she had gotten pregnant, right at the beginning, when Backstreet was just starting, a dream and not a concrete reality. They had been so damn young. SO young. Too young to be in love, let alone start a family. So they had done the mature thing and broken up. Precious Brian went on to stardom and Bernadette was left, six years later, as a single mom who lived with her parents to make ends meet. But she had Belinda and she loved her child with all her heart because, in many ways, Belinda was all she had. She regretted a lot of the decisions she had made in her life but she NEVER regretted Belinda. Bernie turned her attention back to Kevin and her daughter as Kevin stood and started fishing in his pockets. “Humm… I think, I think I have a present in here from a certain Father…” She smiled weakly as Belinda squealed and started to hop up and down excitedly. Kevin finally pulled a key chain from his pockets with a flourish and grinned as Belinda grabbed it and began to gush thank yous before running back up the stairs to add it to her ‘collection’. It was a sweet tradition Brian had started, years ago. Whenever he was in a city long enough to think about it, he bought Belinda a key chain. Most of the time it just had the city’s name on it, other times it was some wild or tacky thing. Belinda kept her beloved key chains everywhere, hanging from her backpack, her room, her bike. Kevin looked up and caught the tender, unguarded and slightly vulnerable look on Bernadette’s face and felt his heart soften a bit. She made it so damn hard to stay mad at her. Not that he didn’t try. “Brian misses her,” he said in the silence that had befallen them. He was surprised by the bitter regret that flashed across her usually happy features as Bernadette shrugged, hard. “Well that’s Brian’s choice. Besides, he has Leighanne after all. He should be happy.” And then she vanished up the stairs after her daughter and his niece. Kevin regarded her for a fierce moment before following her up. The laughs of Belinda and her grandmother could very clearly be heard from his niece’s room. He went to Bernadette’s room and shut the door behind him, locking it. Bernie stood facing the window that overlooked the well kept street the two story house was on, arms crossed, her back rigidly to him. Well too damn bad. “Explain that little comment Bernie, NOW.” She flinched and he knew she felt him looming behind her, menacing, tall and dark. Not that she was intimidated by him. Bernadette could remember him from first grade, when he had cried because a girl has kissed him and he had been afraid of catching ‘cooties’. It didn’t stop him from trying intimidation though. And failing. She whirled and glared up at him. Bernadette was an average height for a woman at five six but she was dwarfed next to him. “Why should I?” she demanded angrily, eyes snapping and dark as a starless night. How many years had he known her? How could she STILL get to him?! “Oh come off it Bernie. What, are you still in love with him? He’s married, happy. Don’t screw his life up with your petty jealousies.” She snorted. “You think I’m JEALOUS of Leighanne? You come off it Kevin. I loved your cousin a long time ago. I’m not jealous and spiteful because he’s happy, but because I’m NOT! Dammit, he has a perfect freaking family, a job doing what he loves most in the whole entire world, four other men who call him brother and would KILL for him, a daughter with an amiable ex girlfriend, visitation rights, his good health, and the adoration of thousands whose lives he’s touched. “He has EVERYTHING Kevin. He has the world and I don’t begrudge him it because he’s a good man. I’ve never said any different. But what about me, Kevin?” Her voice lowered to a soft painful whisper and he swallowed heavily. “I never went to college Kevin. I work in a dead end job for minimum wage and live with my parents. I’m twenty seven and I feel like my life is already over and the only thing I get up in the mornings for is my daughter, my Belinda. And then you breeze in here all self righteous and loathing and have I EVER done anything to deserve that kind of scorn? “I’m a disappointment Kevin. My parents remind me THAT on a regular basis. I got knocked up and I let the guy get away. I could have asked Brian to stay with me, you and I both know that, and he would have. He would have been miserable but he would have stayed if I asked. I didn’t. And he went on to bigger and better things but you know what keeps me up at night? “I’m a failure and what father would want his little girl to grow up with that? You know what I’m most afraid of Kevin? My worst nightmare is that one day Brian will realize that he wants his perfect little blonde family to include a bubbling, blue eyed daughter. “But a baby would be bad for Leighanne’s career. Oh wait, he already has a bubbling, blue eyed daughter who’s half grown and raised and who thinks her daddy hung the moon. And he’ll walk through my front door and take her away from me and never look back and you know what that would leave me with Kevin? Less than nothing… “So don’t you dare and stand there and demand explanation and poise accusations at me Kevin Richardson. When you’re broken and ruined and half dead inside then you can stand there and glower and judge all you want but until that cold day in hell, screw you. “Screw you!” Dinner that night, even after Mrs. Richardson arrived, was understandably tense.