kei_fic_reflections

     When my sister died, I felt as if I could no longer go on. Ryuuen's life ended the same day Kourin's life did. I vowed to live as my sister, to do the things she had never done and will never have a chance to do. I took up the identity of Kourin, dressing like my sister, living as my sister. Ryuuen had disappeared forever. But even as my mind thought like Kourin, a little part of myself remained Ryuuen, though I did not know it.
      When I became one of the many girls in the harem of the young Konan emperor, I thought, here's my chance to make Kourin an imperial concubine. I thought that perhaps Kourin would have fallen in love with the emperor, who was rumored to be very beautiful, so I tried to do the same thing. I tried to catch a glimpse of the emperor, and when I did, I thought, Wow, this is a man worthy of my Kourin. I watched him, sought him out whenever possible, but never made myself known to him. When he took walks in the garden alone, I would follow, close behind, where I could observed unnoticed. I saw him as no others had ever seen him, when he was alone and dropped his mask. I saw how fatigue and loneliness crossed his face, and at times, even sorrow. I gradually came to know this man like no other. I saw his gentleness, his caring, his patience. I saw the man behind the facade of emperor, the lonely man who had so much love to give, but had no one to give to, and who desperately wanted someone to love him in return.
      When I realized that I, not Kourin, was in love with the young emperor, the tiny part of my being that was still labeled Ryuuen reared its head and cried,"Impossible!" I was in so much shock at my realization. I needed time to think, so I told all that I did not feel well and wished to left alone. I even stopped going to the garden to be the invisible companion of my emperor, because of the utter chaos of feelings that I felt at the sight of him.
      Thus I remained for days, quiet and withdrawn. Unknown to me, I stopped being Kourin during this time and became, once again, Ryuuen. As Ryuuen, I thought and thought. Eventually, I accepted my feelings for the emperor, though I still felt hopeless about my situation in the harem. I had stopped being Kourin, so I felt I could no longer stay in the palace. But if I left the palace, I would never see my love again. My inner debate over my love for him had kept me awake for countless nights. My heart yearned for my heika-sama, while my mind screamed the hopelessness of it all. Since we were both men, there was no way we could ever be together. My beloved Heika-sama was also known to be one of the Suzaku seishi named Hotohori, one of the seven celestial warriors of Suzaku, sworn to protect and defend the Suzaku no Miko, a girl who would come from another world. With that status, my emperor was a world away...
      Then one night, I woke up to find the character "Willow" glowing an intense red on my skin. I realized that I was also one of the Suzakus Seishi. I knew then that I was Nuriko, and my powers of incredible strength awoke the minute I came to my realization. I felt great joy at this new turn of events, since this meant that I could be with Hotohori as a fellow seishi. All that was left to do was to find a good time to reveal myself to Hotohori-sama.
      I declared the end to my mysterious illness, and went back to prowling the gardens as Hotohori-sama's silent companion. Now, I felt a great sense of happiness and a deep love within me every time I saw him. The carefree days passed as if in a dream. I treasured those days, because somehow I knew they wouldn't last long. And I never revealed myself to him during those days, content just watching him from afar.