Index
Anonymous
Lord Acton
Aesop
Pietro Aretino
Isaac Asimov
Marcus Aurelius
Kenny Ausubel
Russell Baker
James Matthew Barrie
Dave Barry
Mildred Barthel
Bruce Baum
Saul Bellow
Georges Bidault
Ambrose Bierce
Humphrey Bogart
Elayne Boosler
James H. Boren
James Boswell
Alec Bourne
Ashleigh Brilliant
Eustace Budgell
Robert Byrne
G.K. Chesterton
Winston Churchill
Cicero
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Charles Caleb Colton
William Cowper
Rodney Dangerfield
Clarence Darrow
Emily Dickinson
Benjamin Disraeli
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Bob Ettinger
David Everett
W.C. Fields
Henry Ford
Benjamin Franklin
Sigmund Freud
Robert Frost
Dave Tyson Gentry
Kahlil Gibran
Henry Glassie
Oliver Goldsmith
Abraham Lincoln
Theodore Roosevelt
Various Authors
Anonymous
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.
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Lord Acton
Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
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Aesop
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
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Pietro Aretino
I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship.
--1537
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Isaac Asimov
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
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Marcus Aurelius
Accept the things to which fate bind you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
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Kenny Ausubel
Each of us has a spark of life inside us, and our highest endeavor ought to be to set off that spark in one another.
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Russell Baker
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperatelly? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
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James Matthew Barrie
Let no one who loves be unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.
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Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
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Mildred Barthel
Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.
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Bruce Baum
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
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Saul Bellow
Now I understand everything.
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Georges Bidault
The weak have one weapon: the errors of those who think they are strong.
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Ambrose Bierce
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
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Humphrey Bogart
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
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Elayne Boosler
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
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James H. Boren
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.
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James Boswell
A companion loves some agreeable qualities which a man may possess, but a friend loves the man himself.
--1763
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Alec Bourne
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.
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Ashleigh Brilliant
I could do without many things with no hardship - you are not one of them.
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Eustace Budgell
Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another.
--1711
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Robert Byrne
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
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G.K. Chesterton
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
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Winston Churchill
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
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Cicero
Friendship makes prosperity more brilliant, and lightens adversity by dividing and sharing it.
--44 B.C.
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Samuel Taylor Coleridge
He prayeth best who loveth best,
all things both great and small;
for the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.
--Rime of the Ancient Mariner)
Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold :
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Night-mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she,
Who thicks man's blood with cold.
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Charles Caleb Colton
True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
--1825
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William Cowper
Variety�s the very spice of life.
--The Task
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Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Clarence Darrow
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
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Emily Dickinson
Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne�er succeed.
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Benjamin Disraeli
When I want to read a good book, I write one.
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Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
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Bob Ettinger
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
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David Everett
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.
--"For a School Declamation"
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W.C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
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Henry Ford
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Whether you think you can or think you can�t, you�re right.
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Benjamin Franklin
All would live long, but none would be old.
In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Our constitution is an actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
God heals, and the doctor takes the fee.
To find out a girls faults, praise her to her girl friends.
He�s a fool that makes a doctor his heir.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.
--Ibid
Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
--Ibid
Plough deep while sluggards sleep.
--Ibid
Never leave that till to-morrow which you can do to-day.
--Ibid
Three removes are as bad as a fire.
--Ibid
Little strokes fell great oaks.
--Ibid
A little neglect may breed mischief: for want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the rider was lost.
--Ibid
He that goes a borrowing goes a sorrowing.
--Ibid
A man may, if he knows not how to save as he gets, keep his nose to the grindstone.
--Ibid
Vessels large may venture more,
But little boats should keep near shore.
--Ibid
It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
--Ibid
Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.
--Ibid
Remember that time is money.
--Advice to a Young Tradesman, 1748
Idleness and pride tax with a heavier hand than kings and parliaments. If we can get rid of the former, we may easily bear the latter.
--Letter on the Stamp Act, July 1, 1765
Here Skugg lies snug
As a bug in a rug.
--Letter to Miss Georgiana Shipley, September, 1772
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
--Letter to Josiah Quincy, September 11, 1773
We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.
--At the signing of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776
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Sigmund Freud
The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.
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Robert Frost
Before I built a wall I�d ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out
--Mending Wall
Good fences make good neighbors
--Mending Wall
The loneliness includes me unawares.
And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
--Desert Places, 1936
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Dave Tyson Gentry
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
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Kahlil Gibran
Beauty is not in the face, beauty is a light in the heart.
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Henry Glassie
Human reality is too important to leave to novelists.
Individualism signals the point at which the face-to-face community dies.
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Abraham Lincoln
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends with them?
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Theodore Roosevelt
Death is always and under all circumstances a tragedy, for if it is not, then it means that life itself has become one.
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Various Authors
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'
--Jason Alexander
Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!
--Patricia Arquette
(On going to war over religion) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
--Yasir Arrafat (PLO leader)
Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.
--Richard Bach
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
--Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people, don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people, don't blame everything on Satan.
--George Burns
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
--Barbara Bush
Time-saving tip for weight lifters: Keep in mind that 10 reps of 100 pounds is the same as 1 rep of 1000 pounds.
--Jeff Chastain
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
--Courtney Cox
I think I'm allergic to latex, because I got a rash last time I wore a condom. Or maybe I'm just allergic to poodles.
--Zac Cropper-Alt
It is the Law that any difficulties that can come to you at any time, no matter what they are, must be exactly what you need most at the moment, to enable you to take the next step forward by overcoming them. The only real misfortune, the only real tragedy, comes when we suffer without learning the lesson.
--Emmett Fox
Pain and foolishness lead to great bliss and complete knowledge, for Eternal Wisdom created nothing under the sun in vain.
--Kahlil Gibran, The Voice of the Poet
When I think about the land of milk and honey, I think, "I bet they don't get as many visa applications as the land of Scotch and hookers."
--Christopher Hansen
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
--Sydney Harris
If an infinite amount of monkeys were given an infinite number of microphones, would we really need Britney Spears?
--Rosey Kirkbasserlake
In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest.
--Henry Miller, The Books in My Life
My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
--Dan Rather
Some days I'd like to track down this Murphy guy and beat the living crap out of him. But that would only add weight to his theory.
--Frank Reeves
The first thing you should do when you get up is read the obituaries. You never know when you'll see a name that will just make your day.
--Ed Salisbury
I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?
--Arnold Schwarzenegger
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
--Sharon Stone
I think future historians will date�the fall of western civilization from the decision to put artificial nipples on the mannequins at J.C. Penney.
--Bob Van Voris
Wouldn't one or two anal probes tell aliens everything they need to know about that particular facet of human physiology? Maybe their ships run on methane and they're just re-fueling.
--Kevin Wickart
(On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
--Bruce Willis
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
--Tiger Woods
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